DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

[LampsAndWatches]

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

Are you sure there’s no other drugs involved? If she’s promised she’s suddenly stopped sniffing could the outburst be a result of being psychologically dependent and therefore lashing out as a result of being unable to cope with whatever has been causing her to self medicate? The fact she’s taking so much she’s losing control of her body is a worrying sign.

Her behaviour is not acceptable.
Her drug use is not acceptable.

However, she's still OP's child and quite a vulnerable one given her diagnosis of ASD and ADHD.

I really hate to say this but don't insist she is drug free before she can come home. Drugs are hard to kick and almost impossible if you don't have a stable home.
I know you have other children and people on drugs are horrible to be around but what do you honestly think will happen if you push too hard?

I don’t agree. And check above!

"I’m choosing peace and comfort over her."

That is one of the most awful things I've read. We don't just parent when it's easy! If this is the first time she has lost control like this and the above is your reaction that says a lot about you.

If my dd did something like this totally out of nowhere, yes, I'd be appalled, furious, upset - but I'd also be worried sick about HER. This isn't normal behaviour, something is going very wrong with dd2, and your response is 'well we're not having that in our home, out she goes'.

Behaviour comes from feelings about experiences, if you want to support someone to change their behaviour you first have to discover what caused the feelings that caused the behaviour.

But it's easier to choose "peace and comfort".

I work with troubled teens, and I could cry over that statement. I'm sure dd2 already knows how you feel - it's probably part of the background experiences.

Thank you
i love her
i can’t condone this
but I still love her
i don't think her sisters will forgive her
thats another story for another time

I'm sorry but there's harder drugs at play here than just laughing gas.

She needs professional help, but won't accept it until she's at rock bottom.

@MsCactus

its absolutely not normal teenage behaviour

Your other DCs will also be seeing that you are choosing 'peace and comfort' over their sibling. That lesson is hugely damaging. It creates a subliminal message that if they become difficult or vulnerable, then you'll put yourself first rather than wrestle with any difficulties.

I stand by it. Its completely ableist to assume that anyone having an emotional outburst must be ND even if in this particular case they are. Especially when there is so little surrounding context about their normal behavior.

I have ADHD, I am related to several others with ADHD, a close friend is autistic. None of us have ever behaved like this but every time this 'guess' gets trotted out as an immediate response, it colours peoples views and makes it so much harder to discuss.

@Gagaandgag its really not that black and white. Just because she is neurodiverse doesn't mean they are the cause of the issue. Being neurodiverse is only element of her being, not everything.

@LampsAndWatches let the dust settle for a bit.

Find out what the argument was about/how it started. Not to look for excuses ,but by understanding why you will be better positioned to help. The same with the drug use.

You say it's all quite sudden. So what happened? What prompted it? It can be anything from struggling with her neurodivergence, to something traumatic, to simply a new set of friends that make her feel accepted and comfortable but are into this kind of stuff.

Once you figure out why things are happening you will be better positioned to help her or at least signpost to what kind of help she needs.

However, that's for the future. Too much has happened and has been said tonight and emotions are running high. There will be a lot of hurt and confusion and anger on all sides.

How sad that your conclusion to all of this is that “peace and comfort” come before your child’s (clearly quite urgent) needs.

when the dust settles and you have time to feel with rational head, please don't loose sight of the messages you give the other kids. both older and younger.

boundaries and standards of behaviour = good

willing to completly write off a child, or choose and easier life = completely terrifying and impacts attachment styles and personality development for both

It’s night time, we are going to sleep

tonights horror is seated tonight, hopflully

Autism doesn’t make you abuse drugs and alcohol or make you assault*. These are choices.

I would be reticent to allow the teenager back home unless she agrees to start a substance abuse treatment program.

*I will caveat that there is a subset of individuals who lack the ability to self-regulate and require incredible levels of support, but those individuals would not be attending a party of this nature.

Her sisters will forgive her!!
We had a not dissimilar problem when 3 of mine were teenagers ( boys though). There were a few proper fights. They are now all in their 20's and great friends. The two others occasionally help out the one who has "issues" - ADHD and drug use in late teens so very similar. He's quit the drugs and now they all get together regularly . Leave the sibling relationship to sort itself out but don't assume it's over.

I don’t think this is at all accurate actually.

First she is an adolescent which means her pre frontal cortex hasn’t fully formed or joined up completely with her limbic system. This makes teens impulsive and reactive.

Second she has been diagnosed with adhd and autism, the first of which impacts on impulsivity and the second can lead to masking resulting in autistic meltdowns.

Op I am sorry you are going through such awful stress but your dd needs help. She needs therapy and possibly medication. She literally sent up a cry of distress tonight. I’m not excusing her behaviour but it’s a massive sign written in 6 ft high capitals that all is not well with her.

I know it’s so hard not to take what she said personally, but please don’t listen to her words, listen to the emotions behind it. When they are acting out in the worst possible way like this is when they often need the most love and understanding (and proper love includes boundary setting and confronting difficult issues) and insistence on compliance with therapy.

The taking of substances is another waving flag. Drug taking is usually avoidant behaviour. What is happening in her life that she finds difficult to face? How is she coping with her adhd and autism? The two together are a big deal. How has she been behaving generally recently? She may have been masking a lot of her worries. The drug taking may be to quiet her over active mind. Does she seem depressed or anxious?

She still very much needs you and her dad. Please keep the lines of communication open. She sounds as if she has good friends and that’s a start.

This organisation may be of some help to you: PEGS UK who offer parental support for Child to Parent Abuse.

I grew up with a violent sibling and I wish my parents did more to protect me. Therefore you should protect your older daughter and not allow the violent one back without ground rules or consent. You also shouldn’t write off a police report in case there’s a pattern of behaviour, I know she’s family and it isn’t usual of her, but even when she came back she threw a glass bottle at someone? Abuse shouldn’t be tolerated by family at all.

I think you should use her friends as a mediator and get them to collect the rest of her belongings. I wouldn’t risk having her over or moving back in. I also moved out at 19 (for university), she’ll get used to living independently quickly. If she has health conditions, the council may urgently find her housing too.

Or maybe the other sisters will feel safe that their abusive aggressive sibling is no longer in their home?

Op you are in a very difficult situation. Do you think that the friends know something more - it seems strange that they are apologising? My guess is that your dd is on more drugs than you know. Good luck.

She's an adult and her behaviour is vile. If she'd laid into me I'd have her up for assault. Prioritise your family and keep them safe from your druggie daughter

Normal behaviour? What planet are you on?

For those saying this is normal behaviour then I truly despair of family life. At 19 years old I wouldn’t put up with it my house either, at 14,15,16 I would expect to deal more closely with it, and I would, but 19 ? no way, it’s time to go until you can grow up and be civilised. Genuine question as I’m obviously out of the loop these days, but balloons ?? What, how, why ! I’m intrigued.

Yeah, because putting her in a locked psych ward to be raped by the staff will really calm her down. I don't think people realise how dangerous mental wards are for women.

Balloons is slang for nitrous oxide, laughing gas.