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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

293 replies

LampsAndWatches · 07/05/2023 22:26

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

OP posts:
Fansandblankets · 08/08/2023 18:42

MsCactus · 07/05/2023 23:08

This is normal behaviour for teenagers I'd say - their hormones are going crazy. Feel like most teenagers get into fights with siblings/tell parents they hate them/storm out and leave house at one time or another

Dear god it’s really not normal behaviour for teens! I’ve got 2 adult children and two teens and none of them have ever shouted at us, stormed out of the house or told us they hate us. Some of what you said is very common in teens but 19 is way past the stage of hormones and this lady’s daughter isn’t storming out of the house, she’s taking drugs, attacking her parents and staying out all night!

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 22:32

MsRosley · 08/08/2023 16:44

Putting it in writing might not be a bad idea, especially if she's neuro divergent and needs time to process. But I think you have to be prepared for her just ignoring what you say, because it's worked for her in the past. The boundary stuff is more something that needs to go on inside you, if that makes sense. It's about you deciding where you need to draw the line and finding the strength and resolution to stick to it. Easier said than done, but if you want sanity and peace in your life, it will be worth it. Good luck, OP x

Show quote history

Thank you, so much. I gave her a 2nd chance to have an adult conversation with us or would she prefer I sent what we need to say in a message.
she chose msg
and agreed to a curfew and paying for her own counselling to remain in our family home.
early days and every time it feels ok it goes wrong again because of her decisions.
so I’m not holding my breath but I am in therapy myself and I feel a lot clearer about the boundaries and what we need in our home.

she has looked up therapists locally and she wants face to face (I think this is a great choice v online) she tried to complain that £60 per week wasn’t in her budget this month.
she backed down when I reminded her that £130 for a case of canisters last Saturday also wasn’t budgeted for so she needs to work it out and suck it up because we can’t help and she won’t be here if she doesn’t seek some help outside of the family home.

OP posts:
7eleven · 08/08/2023 22:41

Well done, OP.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 22:44

7eleven · 08/08/2023 22:41

Well done, OP.

It’s so hard but I’m very consistent when I’ve made my mind up
i appreciate it’s taken a while, but I have made my mind up and written it down to her
lets hope she keeps up her side other wise I’ll have no choices left Sad

OP posts:
CabernetSauvignon · 09/08/2023 00:28

Have you pointed out to her that there is a high chance of her being arrested, and that if that happens she can forget about any chance of a police career?

wishmyhousetidy · 09/08/2023 17:55

Hi Op
Really hoping things go ok for you and your daughter. Going through something similar, different drug but also ADHD. We are at the endgame in so far as we are no longer willing to go through same horror again and again but they are still your child and you love them and it is not easy to just chuck them out when you know then the people they probably stay with will have absolutely no boundaries. Really hope things improve for you all.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 09/08/2023 19:08

@wishmyhousetidy exactly. She has very little friends and the friends she does have aren’t the right choice for her.

it’s a massive fear that her risking taking would go to far being around people encouraging the behaviours.

she spoke to a gp today and asked to go back on her meds, but as she hasn’t had them for 5 years she has to go on a waiting list of 18 months for a specialist to prescribe them.

it’s just a joke trying to get any help

i really hope things improve for you all as well Flowers

OP posts:
LemonSwan · 12/08/2023 00:53

I would call the police on her. Get her sectioned, put in young offenders, anything. I don’t say that lightly. I have done plenty of drugs, seen people do plenty of drugs. Never seen anyone screaming and wetting themselves from taking nos. That is such chronic chasing of a high and such a relatively minor drug - it’s unreal. She’s going to kill herself. You need to stop it. Perhaps even kidnap her and move her to an obscure isolated hebridie island. I am not joking.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 13/08/2023 09:45

LemonSwan · 12/08/2023 00:53

I would call the police on her. Get her sectioned, put in young offenders, anything. I don’t say that lightly. I have done plenty of drugs, seen people do plenty of drugs. Never seen anyone screaming and wetting themselves from taking nos. That is such chronic chasing of a high and such a relatively minor drug - it’s unreal. She’s going to kill herself. You need to stop it. Perhaps even kidnap her and move her to an obscure isolated hebridie island. I am not joking.

She is unlikely to be sectioned for taking nitrous, the bar for involuntary detention in a mental ward is very high and rightly so. She is also not committing a crime because nitrous isn't illegal, so she cannot be sent to YOI.

LemonSwan · 13/08/2023 11:40

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 13/08/2023 09:45

She is unlikely to be sectioned for taking nitrous, the bar for involuntary detention in a mental ward is very high and rightly so. She is also not committing a crime because nitrous isn't illegal, so she cannot be sent to YOI.

Show quote history

It is illegal to distribute as a drug. In a car of 4 someone’s distributing it. Having the quantity it appears she has is supply volume (even if it is for personal - they go on volume not your say so). It’s also not the only drug there on. A bunch of people don’t scream on straight nos. That night they were using it as booster on top of something else. Go look at the Reddit posts tagged with nitrous oxide.

Being in a car on drugs or drunk also some kind of crime - don’t ask me which one. Never heard of people being arrested for sleeping whilst drunk in their car after the club? Sure maybe they don’t end up being charged but if the police think they have potential to drive they will obtain them temporarily to stop that happening.

Breach of the peace and disorderly behaviour - pretty sure screaming outside the house in the middle of the street reaches that bar.

The police have flexibility, they sure did get creative back when I was younger. Even if they can’t charge they will stage some kind of disruptive intervention. The threat is half of it. Same with a mental health assessment.

I am just saying if it was me I would be banging everyone’s doors down and/ or picking up sticks and moving. The high she’s clearly chasing is barely obtainable with nos - hence the chronic continued use. She’s either going to kill herself trying or one of these idiot friends will give her something stronger and she’s clearly the personality type that can’t say no.

wishmyhousetidy · 13/08/2023 19:27

LemonSwan · 13/08/2023 11:40

It is illegal to distribute as a drug. In a car of 4 someone’s distributing it. Having the quantity it appears she has is supply volume (even if it is for personal - they go on volume not your say so). It’s also not the only drug there on. A bunch of people don’t scream on straight nos. That night they were using it as booster on top of something else. Go look at the Reddit posts tagged with nitrous oxide.

Being in a car on drugs or drunk also some kind of crime - don’t ask me which one. Never heard of people being arrested for sleeping whilst drunk in their car after the club? Sure maybe they don’t end up being charged but if the police think they have potential to drive they will obtain them temporarily to stop that happening.

Breach of the peace and disorderly behaviour - pretty sure screaming outside the house in the middle of the street reaches that bar.

The police have flexibility, they sure did get creative back when I was younger. Even if they can’t charge they will stage some kind of disruptive intervention. The threat is half of it. Same with a mental health assessment.

I am just saying if it was me I would be banging everyone’s doors down and/ or picking up sticks and moving. The high she’s clearly chasing is barely obtainable with nos - hence the chronic continued use. She’s either going to kill herself trying or one of these idiot friends will give her something stronger and she’s clearly the personality type that can’t say no.

Show quote history

Been there and called police when I felt my child wasn’t safe due to drug use and the gang of people screaming at our front door and they said the children nowadays knew their rights and they would not even search them for drugs. If your child takes serious drugs and will not actively reach out for help it is devastating and there is not much you can do despite how many door you knock on. Mental health can’t do much and the police won’t do much unless they actually catch them in the act of taking the drug.
How exactly do you get an 18 yr old to move away if they don’t want to? You have to hope they reach their rock bottom and want help before they do irreparable harm - I know where the Op is and it is both heartbreaking and devastating and it makes you feel utterly powerless

LemonSwan · 13/08/2023 20:00

@wishmyhousetidy

I am sorry you have been through what sounds awful but that’s not my experience at all. Police can and will search kids. Being in a vehicle they don’t even need a reason to stop and search.

Going to leave this here now because it sounds like we have wildly different experience. Both probably true as I don’t see why you would lie. Sounds like a postcode lottery and so sorry you didn’t get more support. I hope your child has recovered now.

wishmyhousetidy · 13/08/2023 20:06

Thank you for your reply and yes probably postcode lottery. No she hasn’t recovered, we have just had a terrible weekend with her drug use and violence and I feel I have lost my beautiful clever daughter. I hope , like I hope for the Op that things will improve. As parents you do the best you can do and sometimes it obviously isn’t enough for the child that you have
Thank you got your reply

LemonSwan · 13/08/2023 20:23

@wishmyhousetidy So sorry to hear it’s still ongoing. I hope too it will improve for you and her. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Goodluck

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 14/08/2023 19:14

wishmyhousetidy · 13/08/2023 20:06

Thank you for your reply and yes probably postcode lottery. No she hasn’t recovered, we have just had a terrible weekend with her drug use and violence and I feel I have lost my beautiful clever daughter. I hope , like I hope for the Op that things will improve. As parents you do the best you can do and sometimes it obviously isn’t enough for the child that you have
Thank you got your reply

@wishmyhousetidy I’m so sorry you had an awful weekend. It permanently puts me on edge, even when we have good days I’m just thinking when will it all go wrong again.

DD agreed to see a counsellor she has her 2nd session this week, she said she really took a lot of good advice from the session, I so want to be pleased for her, but…

the best thing I have taken from my own therapy is acknowledging our parenting hasn’t caused DD to make these atrocious decisions and that I’m not responsible for her making them either.
still so very difficult though. I wish you all the best and I hope things change for the better sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
wishmyhousetidy · 14/08/2023 19:42

Thanks Op and I am really pleased your daughter is engaging with therapy. I agree it often is little to do with parents really, just in our case poor mental health and self medication with drugs- though i was naive about the drugs and literally had no idea there was drug use at all, and a lot of the rage was caused through this. I blame myself for not noticing earlier- but it was a whole new world to me
Last night I couldn’t see how this could have a good outcome- I was in despair that she would eventually end up homeless or dead but this morning I am calmer-things can get better and for many they do
Our Camhs Dr feels DBT is v helpful at questioning their thought process as there is a lot of ‘this is your fault, you drove me to this’ a lot of lashing out, but DBT helps them consider their choices
Who knows, we try until we can try no more
Good luck Op

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 25/08/2023 21:57

@wishmyhousetidy i have been thinking about you, I hope you are having a peaceful week? I also hope you have stopped blaming yourself?

I’m not taking on blame for DD, she is nearly 20, earning her own money and I’ve read her the house rules to compile or leave

it’s so stressful, worrying and all of the above. I remember these days to breath and take on that I’m. Not responsible for her choices or the outcomes. I won’t pretend it’s easy though.

OP posts:
wishmyhousetidy · 26/08/2023 18:21

Thanks LampsandWatches, and yes I don’t blame myself really but when they don’t want to take responsibility for their behaviour in the early hours of the morning I ruminate!
Her dad has said she cannot do any drugs in the house or she cannot live here and I agree, it’s a pretty low bar to set and one you would have thought she could adhere to…
But I agree, I am not taking on the blame- ourselves and the agencies involved are putting effort in to help her and now she must step up. Her dad says she can blame others all she likes but she will still have a pretty crap life. Instead walk towards the help and we will all be there to help. Anyway, hope things calmer your end too

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