DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

[LampsAndWatches]

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

Sorry you went through this.

balloons are sometimes used when they can’t afford gear.

the sudden change in mood as well could indicate some kind of drug habit. Keep the line of communication open but obviously keep yourselves and other children safe.

been here , if you want to chat PM me and ignore people who are judgey. Normally find those people have the biggest skeletons in their closet xxx

Agreed. And it's also hugely offensive to those of us with autism who don't use our disability as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

I think it's important to let her know that what she has done is absolutely unacceptable and you will not put up with it. You should say this and also say that you love her very much and the door is open if she wants to sort this out.

FFS !!! Iwondered how long it would be before that old chestnut was wheeled out.
not everything is a SEN!

Has her behaviour suddenly changed? How does she usually get on with her sisters? What would have been her reaction in the past if someone had hit her sister and throw a bottle at her dad?

Obviously I know that her behaviour has changed because of the drugs but has it changed radically anyway?

Obviously the violence is wrong. The drugs are wrong. The bottle throwing is wrong.
However, I would take a good look at your family situation and dd2's position within that. She's the middle child of 3 daughters. Is the oldest the 'clever sensible' one? The youngest the 'cute' one? How does she fit in to your family dynamic? Has she been the 'problem' one previously?
It was her birthday - why were her elder sister's friends there? What was happening? Why wasn't it just her party? Does that normally happen?

What does your eldest say about it? She must have said something? How do you know if you didn't see it that she got 2 punches in before eldest retaliated with a hair pull?
You say that two of her friends have friend requested you. They sound sensible and kind. They also sound like they have something to say.

I have been sectioned myself so don’t say it lightly. Yes it’s no picnic but rape didn’t even cross my mind. If something like that happened to you then that is beyond shocking and I am so sorry!

I suggested section because this girl is going to kill herself. I used to do drugs and occasionally balloons. Knew a lot of hardcore drug takers. Never once known someone to do balloons until they wet themself. That’s chasing highs beyond any reasonable measure.

dropthevipers and HerMammy the DD in question has been diagnosed with autism and then was diagnosed with ADHD five years ago. No it's not an excuse for shitty behaviour but as you well know autism can make communication harder, it can make social cues difficult to interpret, it can make someone prone to black and white thinking and it can make you susceptible to joining in with an unsuitable group of people in order to fit in. All of this behaviour may be hidden away behind autistic masking. ADHD can make you very impulsive and reactive and exhausted by the thoughts in your head.

Some autistic people can have full blown autistic meltdowns. Some people with ADHD can take drugs to stop the constant thoughts in their head. Every individual is affected in a different way. So I don't really understand why the op would not flag this up straightaway, even if her DD has masked these behaviours before, perhaps she has reached her limit, and can no longer do so?

As you know each person is individual and autism and ADHD affects everyone differently too. So although this isn't "normal" teenage behaviour, whatever normal is, it isn't completely unusual for SOME teens with autism, or teens with ADHD, or both, to display some aspects of these behaviours.

It sounds as if she has been spirialing for the past 6 months - have you done anything to help or support her.

because last night was a breaking point where clearly everything just came out, all the bottled up emotions and she had a complete meltdown. Not acceptable but a huge cry for help for someone who clearly feels they aren’t happy or in control.

Your DD needs help and support

Look it's a very upsetting and distressing situation but I think you're over-reacting when you say she'll never be back. Just give her some time and space to calm down and let her come to you when she's ready.

It's nothing to be proud of, but this sort of dynamic is much more common in families than Mumsnet would have you believe. Nearly every family I know of has had a similar incident with volatile teenagers on at least one occasion, including my own.

I'm sorry you were treated this way in your own home by your daughter.
You are obviously concerned for her welfare at this point and her possibly use of other substances.
Of you can get a message to her that you are still there for her if she wishes to talk at anytime. Until she makes the move I would just wait until she can understand the consequences of her actions. She'll soon realise that she had a nice life at home with a warm home, food and laundry. Sometimes we make poor decisions and then realise that in the heat of the moment we were foolish.
Maybe you could contact some support for yourself for coping with addiction in the family and personal support for the loss and trauma.
I hope she comes to her senses soon,her friends seem to understand you needs to know she's safe.

You said this behaviour is out of character so why aren't you more worried about what's triggered it?

I guess it's because her and members of her family were violently assaulted shortly before she posted and probably needs a short time to process THAT first

I understand everyone is upset with your DD right now and of course have every right to be but sometimes the people who seem least deserving of love are the ones who need it the most. She's obviously going through something, whether that's drugs or something else, she needs her family I hope once everything has calmed down you can have a chat and maybe she'll open up to you.

Just a thought but has she recently started taking birth control? I can't take any form of hormonal contraception because it leaves me incredibly unwell mentally - short tempered, aggressive, suicidal ideation etc

The OP has confirmed her daughter is diagnosed with autism and adhd.

Does she have a job? How does she pay for running a car?

Something is clearly up and as long as you shut her out you'll never have a chance of finding out what it is or helping her overcome it and being there when she comes out the other side.

I'm a bit sceptical because I remember the versions of events my parents used to tell people and everyone would be completely mystified...there was just no reason at all, according to them. I could have explained it all but my parents left out all that stuff.

I'm absolutely not accusing OP of anything. I'm just saying that stuff like this doesn't happen in a vacuum. Something has happened even if OP truly doesn't know what.

Agree and the OP should really have put this in the original post. It’s very relevant and makes a massive difference to what advice people give. My son is severely autistic and due to communication difficulties can be very aggressive and challenging. He’s not being an “arsehole”.

It definitely sounds like her drug use is the culprit and, as others have said, people seldom use “just” balloons. They tend to also use something like cocaine.

I think you have absolutely done the right thing letting her go. It’s breathing space for you both and I think she needs you to set that boundary. If you are happy that she is safe then, her being out the out is best for everyone right now.

One strike and out?

Wow OP, wow. I am shocked and saddened by this post.

You say your dd2 has never behaved like this before? You haven't intervened in a serious manner to tackled her drug use? You chose peace and quiet over doing everything you can for your family?

And those saying OP's dd chose to be violent, have no idea, people do not chose to be violent, it's a rage and in the case of this girl probably due to being ND, taking drugs and CPTSD.

OP, dod not take the easy way out and wash your hands of her. Also, if your dd has ADHD and ASD (?) other people in your or your dh's family are very likely to also be on the spectrum, maybe even you, her dad or her siblings.

You all need help. Family therapy is what I suggest.

What I'd like to know is what DD1 says happened right before the fight? How did the party go? Having your sister's fieriness at a party is a bit unusual, how did this come about?

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder I agree with you it’s not a blame situation it’s a sad out of character 19 year old who is having addiction issues and has lashed out for a reason (in her version of events anyway). What’s called for here is love, understanding and exploration of how the family unit can heal and move on from this traumatic event. Also getting 19 year old some help asap.

I agree with you @DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder.
There are a lot of holes in OP's story.

Has she blocked your other daughters from SM?

Having your sister's friends