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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

293 replies

LampsAndWatches · 07/05/2023 22:26

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

OP posts:
bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 10/07/2023 10:53

LampsAndWatches · 09/07/2023 15:53

No, I can’t do that. I need to find a way to support her, find out why she is making a conscious choice to do it. I’ve offered to pay for counselling, she won’t go.

dd3 is scared of her, with both are.

Show quote history

A run-in with police might be the frightener she needs.

Azandme · 10/07/2023 11:01

I'm so sorry it has come to this.

It's time for her to move out. Not a dramatic "Leave home now!" - but a "You cannot control your rage, and we won't be assaulted, so we'll support you to move out, and be there for you, but you cannot live with us now."

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 10/07/2023 22:32

I don’t know how or where she would go.
she has no friends we have no family apart from us
there is a new man on scene, just like last time. She tells lies and believes only her own version of events.

I’ve agreed she can stay here because I have her car and keys, it’s up for sale and I’ll keep anything in my savings, she has agreed for now but she isn’t angry right now so no idea if that will work.

DD3 is doing well, we are spending lots of time together. I’m conscious DD2 has this new man so everything could turn again.
we are doing ok though, for now

OP posts:
7eleven · 10/07/2023 22:43

Is she still friends with the people you originally mentioned and what does your husband think?

Stressedafff · 10/07/2023 22:52

You can support your daughter without sharing her home. She thinks it’s acceptable, she manages to control her rage in the street, in shops etc.
You’re not her punchbag and by keeping on putting up with this and allowing her to harm you it’s just teaching her that there is absolutely no consequence for her actions

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 07/08/2023 23:34

Sad to say we are back again

I've tried to direct DD back to the GP to talk about meds. She wants to join the police and they need her 6 months free from anti depressants

she has done 3 cold turkey and for me that wasn’t a good idea for DD,
this weekend and the past proves she needs those meds. She will not listen or have a conversation with us.

all has been well although she works from home all day and I’ve take her car away - the gym, shops and rec areas are all a walk distance.

I know I need to set boundaries with our 19yr old, she left here at 2345 on sat
we let her know where the key was, as usual at midnight and went to bed

7.45am lots of ring door bell activity
she was demonic
multi canisters in the car
she refused to leave the car unless she took 3 canisters with her
i was having a lie in so this shocked me]I did manage to get her phone and also get her indoors, she was screaming

spent hours settling her, she had wet herself in the car and maybe again on her bed

changed her sheets, disposed of the very large canisters
she slept for hours with no food
ive researched this and I know the dangers and signs
right or wrongly I’ve told her we need an adult chat and she is on pause until she twos to us

OP posts:
7eleven · 08/08/2023 00:05

How many times is this going to happen before you set boundaries? Why are you washing her piss stained sheets for goodness sake! This is happening because you are allowing it.

Do something about it or stop complaining. Your poor other children!

7eleven · 08/08/2023 00:07

And if you’ve taken her car away, how was she in it, passing the seats, at 7:45am.

You might need to be a bit more steadfast or this could all go tits up very badly.

Jellycats4life · 08/08/2023 00:10

No way is she well enough or stable enough to join the police. I didn’t know they stipulated no antidepressants (sounds archaic to me) but coming off them was a really bad idea. Possibly the trigger for the latest binge, even.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 08/08/2023 00:29

She's not fit to be a police officer whilst ahe is abusing balloons.

Going cold turkey on ADs is a stupid idea because of the withdrawal symptoms discontinuation effects. They have to be tapered off and I'd say, given her continued balloons attempts to self-medicate with balloons, that she still needs to be on ADs (although she might find that a different type works better).

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 10:37

7eleven · 08/08/2023 00:05

How many times is this going to happen before you set boundaries? Why are you washing her piss stained sheets for goodness sake! This is happening because you are allowing it.

Do something about it or stop complaining. Your poor other children!

I know we are enabling her. I want to put clear boundaries in place, but she won’t talk to us

I’ve started therapy myself a few weeks ago so I can gain some support and clarity, it’s a difficult situation and something we have never had to deal with before so, yes I appreciate I might be handling things wrong but I’m also drowning.

OP posts:
Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 10:39

7eleven · 08/08/2023 00:07

And if you’ve taken her car away, how was she in it, passing the seats, at 7:45am.

You might need to be a bit more steadfast or this could all go tits up very badly.

She left to meet some random person so she was in their car.
and they were all (4 people inc DD) outside with her screaming that morning

It’s embarrassing and not something we have ever had to witness or try to deal with before
we are at a loss on what to do next hence diarising here

OP posts:
7eleven · 08/08/2023 10:40

I know it’s tough. Dig deep and find your mama strength. Sell her car for a start.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 10:41

Jellycats4life · 08/08/2023 00:10

No way is she well enough or stable enough to join the police. I didn’t know they stipulated no antidepressants (sounds archaic to me) but coming off them was a really bad idea. Possibly the trigger for the latest binge, even.

I agree
i didn’t know she had come off them cold turkey as that is a very bad idea. I want to encourage here to try going back in ADHD meds again but she is fixating on joining the police, re sits are in Dec.

she is refusing to talk to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 10:44

7eleven · 08/08/2023 10:40

I know it’s tough. Dig deep and find your mama strength. Sell her car for a start.

Cars gone
she was in a friends car
the thought of her driving in that state kept me awake at night so I sold it

the state of her on these things is unreal, the fear that she will end up killing herself by a burst lung or paralysing herself due to B12 depletion is haunting me.

OP posts:
7eleven · 08/08/2023 10:45

The way she’s going she has more chance of being arrested by the Police than joining them.

I guess she will find that out for herself the hard way. It’s good she’s got a goal, of course.

barbarahunter · 08/08/2023 10:52

You poor poor soul OP. I have nothing to add except I was the sibling of an older child who behaved in similar ways, I am so glad you continue to look out for your other daughters.

Motnight · 08/08/2023 11:15

So sorry that your family is still going through this, Op.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 11:16

7eleven · 08/08/2023 10:45

The way she’s going she has more chance of being arrested by the Police than joining them.

I guess she will find that out for herself the hard way. It’s good she’s got a goal, of course.

She is fixated on joining. It’s a little part of her autism, she obsesses on one subject and it’s very difficult to steer her away from what she wants to do.

I’ve now realised she is self medicating

OP posts:
MsRosley · 08/08/2023 11:26

I know we are enabling her. I want to put clear boundaries in place, but she won’t talk to us.

OP, you don't need to talk to someone to put boundaries in place. You clearly state the consequences of certain behaviours withing their earshot, then follow through with those consequences. It doesn't need a conversation.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 12:02

MsRosley · 08/08/2023 11:26

I know we are enabling her. I want to put clear boundaries in place, but she won’t talk to us.

OP, you don't need to talk to someone to put boundaries in place. You clearly state the consequences of certain behaviours withing their earshot, then follow through with those consequences. It doesn't need a conversation.

Thank you, I hadn’t thought of that approach.
I’ve thought about putting it in writing to her?

OP posts:
Wheredoesyokoshairendandpubesbegin · 08/08/2023 12:51

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine the worry you must be going through. sending my love to you all. Do you think you could ring her Dr and ask for some advice r.e her capacity to make medical decisions for herself?

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 08/08/2023 15:36

I keep thinking "what would have got through to me if I had behaved like that?" and I can't think of anything. I mean, I wouldn't have used those balloon things after wetting myself the first time.

brainwave moment

OP: when she next wets herself, don't clean it up. Tell her to. She wets her own bed and you are sorting it out, and by doing so you are removing the obvious consequence of her actions that she should have to deal with herself.

MsRosley · 08/08/2023 16:44

LampsAndWatches · 08/08/2023 12:02

Thank you, I hadn’t thought of that approach.
I’ve thought about putting it in writing to her?

Show quote history

Putting it in writing might not be a bad idea, especially if she's neuro divergent and needs time to process. But I think you have to be prepared for her just ignoring what you say, because it's worked for her in the past. The boundary stuff is more something that needs to go on inside you, if that makes sense. It's about you deciding where you need to draw the line and finding the strength and resolution to stick to it. Easier said than done, but if you want sanity and peace in your life, it will be worth it. Good luck, OP x

mummymeister · 08/08/2023 18:40

Her actions have no consequences. she wets herself she stays in it and she cleans it up. she knows that if she takes this shit she wets herself so thats on her. You love her of course you do. but at the moment what you have tried isnt and hasnt worked so you have got to do something different. she isnt a baby she is 19 fgs. Only you can draw the line, she cant she isnt capable. only you can set out the consequences. and tell her about the police. they will not take her it is hugely competitive and they will drug test her using hair samples. You dont need to steer her away from it because they will not take her. she wont believe you so let her hear from them.