DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

[LampsAndWatches]

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

Thank you! I had wondered what "balloons were". I was thinking helium. blush

Does DD2 have a job so she won't be asking you for money?

If she does ask, you already know what to tell her. Just don't fall for her "sob stories", because she will have them.

Jesus - it really isn't normal behaviour! How can you even say that?

It’s really not normal behaviour! . Me and my sisters used to physically fight, tear chunks out of each other when we were kids But not when we were that age! And throwing a glass bottle at her dad? That’s not normal behaviour either.

I forgot to add that if she realizes she is falling down a never ending hole, you should offer her help with getting a therapist, medication, drug counselling etc.

Handing her cash should not happen since you know where it will go.

Nitrous Oxide sounds so harmless...until it isn't.

No excuses for her behaviour but she is likely in pain emotionally and suffering herself.

I know it’s very hard but it’s important that whatever she is taking drugs wise is not her only option to turn to.

Please speak with your younger daughter today and express to her how very serious this junction is in your 19 year old daughters life and ask if she can think of anything she might have said which possibly led to your 19 year old daughter initiating a physical fight with her.

Your 19 year old has a substance misuse problem and if she is getting so intoxicated/high enough that she is losing control of her bladder she is in deep. You also mention her self care has deteriorated too. These are both very worrying signs.

If 19 year old daughter wants to come home make seeing the GP a condition because she is at a crossroads now and she obviously has an addictive personality and she will either go one way or the other but without an intervention she will likely end up a drug addict.

You said her friends reached out to you I suggest you try and meet up with them and see if they have anything to say about your daughter they obviously are open to communication with you.

I’m sorry this happened and I hope now the dust has settled you are all feeling a bit better at least this morning.

You said this behaviour is out of character so why aren't you more worried about what's triggered it?
If she's normally calm and ok this is a huge change and like others have said understanding why should be top of your list- not a quiet house while she's out somewhere on her on dealing with her raging mental state and the guilt and shame she'll no doubt be wracked with.
And she'll be humiliated having done that in front of so many people. I'd be in touch to say when she's feeling ready to come back she can apologise for going crazy and have a massive cuddle from mom and dad - I would absolutely want her back under my wing asap to check how she was doing.
You as parents have the most crucial role in calming her down and you can role model caring forgiveness and discipline to her siblings.
Then I'd be saying the car needs to go and go through the dangers of balloons.
She might be using the car as a drugs delivery service or anything not to mention the risk to herself and others. The car has got to go she's not mature or reliable enough to have that - it's a massive privilege and she needs to take the responsibility seriously before she kills someone or herself.
This age can be hugely volatile- my DSS had similar for a few years with violence police etc and my DH was threatening to "disown" him but we held firm gave him strong guidance and reassurance with very strict rules and lots of advice (lectures lol) about how these few years can dictate the rest of his life and he's a good clever kid, it's not too late etc and he found his way- we found a job he enjoys and now he's doing really well and calmed down again.

Hope it all improves for you but you really do need to step up and show her the way show her all is not lost who hasn't done things they regret etc.
she can turn it all around if you help and reassure her x

She sounds very unhappy although if her outburst was under influence of drugs/alcohol the you may get sense out of her later. OTOH she may just have also got to stage of really needing her own space.

This is important. Nitrous oxide use can cause vitamin B12 deficiency Episodic, abrupt-onset, and brief, agitated violent behaviour has been described in isolated cases of B12 deficiency. She needs to see a doctor.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5925601/#:~:text=Nitrous%20oxide%20abuse%20can%20produce,been%20mentioned%20in%20the%20literature.

It may be in your household but certainly not in mine or anyone I know.

This. You say she has 30 large canisters of (presumably nitrous oxide) in her car, which she inhales in her car? It’s a dissociative anaesthetic - separating brain from body. I’d have taken her car keys away at that point to save her killing or injuring someone else or herself.

It sounds like she’s graduated onto something much nastier, already, so even more reason for her not to be driving.

@Rainbowqueeen

can I ask why you immediately assume neurodivergence as a source of violence in a drug-taking you adult with no history of SEN, social or academic struggle ?

I remember my brother going through similar, when addicted to drugs. He suddenly became aggressive and violent towards us, even his 10 year old sister. Was a sad time for all.of us. I think its best she leaves to keep the siblings safe. Hopefully she'll reach rock-bottom before returning. Are there any support groups you could both go to, in your area.

I think my sister and I stopped physical fights long before we were 19. I remember we just stopped doing it and after that it felt like a really childish thing to do.

We are quite senior now, but the arguments (she just won't accept that I'm always right and vice versa) continue to this day...

Oh bloody hell, what a nightmare for you all. As I started reading your initial post, I immediately wondered if it was drug related (I don't know what 'balloons' are but gather it's like laughing gas?
I'd leave her to calm down and reflect on her behaviour but then open lines of communication to try to find out if something specific has happened for her to turn to drugs or whatever.
I don't blame you one little bit for not wanting her in the house though. Hope today is better

What if fudging why is there ALWAYS one that pops up with this? ADHD or autism isn't a get out of bloody jail free card even IF that is what happened here. But if you actually read the post, she was drinking and most likely doing drugs. I wish people would stop trying to be pop up phycologists on here. She was a twat, she's 19, that happens lot

Suggesting autism is extremely offensive.

Really sorry you are going through this. it’s very painful. My DS (who is Asd and Adhd) went through some awful times also.
People say don’t put it down to neurodivergence but as far as I can see neurodivergents seem to struggle much more
through puberty and this can cause them to get involved with drugs. My DS is much more
stable now; when he was like this I told him to
go and stay with his Dad, I did not want him in the house again. He did this and while he is now back
he at least knows now that I do have boundaries. He did have quite a few appointments with Change Grow Live who are the agency around here. It didn’t stop him using various drugs but at the very least he was much better informed about the dangers. It is an awful time and I massively sympathise but borders are important. Hope things improve
soon for you all.

Yeah I definitely think there are drugs involved and she’s been on some type of come down. I’d maybe scower her room to see if you find anything and you might find an explanation for her behaviour.
Im not sure if balloons would cause this sort of come down, she’s probably using them to chase a cheap high if moneys too tight to buy what she’s actually taking.

This is the most idiotic thing I've seen on here all weekend

Except that OP's daughter is diagnosed with both.

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds so stressful and like it really took you by surprise.

I’ll echo what others have said regarding you prioritising the DC at home. Keep communication open with DD2 but I wouldn’t have her back in the house any time soon.

I don’t agree with others suggesting that this is normal hormones though. Sure siblings fight, I’m one of 4, but we sure as hell haven’t ever had physical fights as adults. Or throwing things at my dad. It sounds like she’s going through a time of experimentation, but that can’t be happening around your other children or yourselves.

I'm aware of that, my point still stands. A diagnosis isn't an excuse for her behaviour. Her mum even said the diagnosis isn't the cause it's the drugs etc