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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

293 replies

LampsAndWatches · 07/05/2023 22:26

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 07/05/2023 22:33

On the premise you know or think she’s gone somewhere safe/sofa surf, let her go - for now. Shes 19 and presumably has a social network?
Let the dust settle and see what happens.
Stay calm. She’s on a learning curve.
I m sure you’ll all find a way forward. Keep the lines of communication open.
I hope it all works out. You are still her parent so in time maybe she should apologise to her dad.

Coxspurplepippin · 07/05/2023 22:36

You know about the balloons but there could be other drugs involved, especially if her mates were there. Let the dust settle and keep the doors open, unless you think she might be in danger, either from herself or others

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 07/05/2023 22:44

Thank you, I believe she is safe. Her friends x 2 sent me fb requests, they were apologetic about the physicality of it all and how I had to get involved, they asked if I’m ok and told me where DD is for now.

not sure she has many places she could turn up with 5 bin bags of belongings.

the drugs worry me although I appreciate it’s her choice her personal care has deteriorated, she is lazy at home, entitled and just not very pleasant to be around over the last 6 months

I never worried or thought about physical violence before tonight and I’m in 2 minds on how I feel about it
i can’t condone that and we also have DD3 in the house to protect (she wasn’t involved or downstairs when this happened)

OP posts:
Sheepsheepeverywhere · 07/05/2023 22:47

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Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 07/05/2023 22:50

Well, obviously it's fuelled (to me sounds like drugs) by something and everything she is saying and doing tonight isn't actually real.
She'll be back tomorrow or the next day with all her stuff.

Does she have any savings etc or how is she going to find her new free lifestyle.

Tonight is focus on your eldest DD who was attacked. Your other daughter will be fine tonight and is acting like a knob.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 07/05/2023 22:55

Coxspurplepippin · 07/05/2023 22:36

You know about the balloons but there could be other drugs involved, especially if her mates were there. Let the dust settle and keep the doors open, unless you think she might be in danger, either from herself or others

How would I know that though and would knowing make things any different?
I know it sounds horrible but she crossed a line for me tonight and I’m not sure how we can ever come back from that.

the physical violence, the awful things she screamed in my face that really aren’t true and then throwing a glass bottle in her dads face.

our house is peaceful now and that’s because she isn’t here. What lines of communication should I keep open? I’d happily (right now at least) leave her to her own devices.

I do feel guilty and awful but I honestly can’t have that happening ever again in our little home and she instigated all of it.

OP posts:
Sheepsheepeverywhere · 07/05/2023 22:58

I threw my ds out under a cloud. Left him to it for a few weeks. He came and asked that I help him sort out a flat. Which we did. He knew he had overstepped. And accepted he needed to move out. Do not apologise op. She needs to be doing that.

Coxspurplepippin · 07/05/2023 23:00

And that's fine - you were there, you know how it affected your family, if a line was crossed and you don't want her there, that's absolutely a valid response to her awful behaviour.

As to drugs - you've said you don't know where the behaviour has come from, so it could be that she's taken something either 'new' to her or more of something.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 07/05/2023 23:00

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It is a sigh of relief for now

she said balloons aren’t drugs and aren’t even illegal

I have no idea. Although I’m not as stupid as she is to believe driving around with 30 canisters (big ones, not the small silver ones) in your car is a good idea and likely to kill anyone including herself if and when she has a car accident or someone has one with her car.

she knows everything and I’m just a fucking stupid cnt apparently

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2023 23:01

My DS went through this stage at 17 and a half- shortly after he ditched6th form, got into a good apprenticeship and gradually turned into a much more pleasant lad. He's now 25 and I'm very proud of him

leave her to it - let the fence mending come from her.

Desperatelyseekingcommonsense · 07/05/2023 23:01

Honestly I’d be concerned that she has moved on to harder drugs. Methamphetamine or similar can cause sudden outbursts of rage. I suppose the question is where do you go from here?

She will come back at some point. I know that you love her but I’d strongly advise you to prioritise your other children/ your dh. Drugs change people and the more you bend to her the worse it gets for everyone. Tough love she has to be drug free to return.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/05/2023 23:01

Im so sorry. It sounds horrible

Undiagnosed autism or ADHD sprang to mind when I read the thread. Looking back on her life generally, do you think that is a possibility?

You know she is safe. Her friends sound like they might give her some good advice about her behaviour too

I’d be focusing on DD1 for now.

LadyJ2023 · 07/05/2023 23:07

If that was our teen and on drugs she wouldn't be allowed in the house again or around siblings unless rules were in place no going out no drugs and getting professional help. Disgraceful behaviour she could have seriously hurt one of you, she needs more respect for you all.

MsCactus · 07/05/2023 23:08

This is normal behaviour for teenagers I'd say - their hormones are going crazy. Feel like most teenagers get into fights with siblings/tell parents they hate them/storm out and leave house at one time or another

AutumnCrow · 07/05/2023 23:10

You can use this episode to 'reset' your home life. She will want and need to come home, in all likelihood. (Anyone taking her in will probably only be happy to do that for a couple of days.)

Who pays for her car? Does she have money?

You can set rules for her return, that are focused on the household as a family, not a battleground. You have a lot of leverage here.

EmmaEmerald · 07/05/2023 23:13

Do you think she's driving while she's off her face? Did she get in the car just now?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 07/05/2023 23:16

I would reach out and just tell her you are there when she’s ready to speak. If you can afford it, insist on therapy. My DD (now 21) used to lash out a lot, it got physical once and she left and stayed at her friends for a couple of nights. I told her she could come home as long as she had therapy. She had weekly, or on a bad week twice weekly sessions and it made the world of difference. We get on amazingly well now and she says the therapy saved her.
What your DD did was awful but try and see that it may be coming from a place of pain. I say that as someone that genuinely disliked mine for a good couple of years. If there are drugs involved then you need to offer support before it becomes a lifestyle. Let her know how much she’s hurt you but also let her know there is an alternative.

Casba · 07/05/2023 23:19

I'd want to get to the bottom of why she got so upset. What was said that caused that reaction.

Original poster
LampsAndWatches · 07/05/2023 23:19

Coxspurplepippin · 07/05/2023 23:00

And that's fine - you were there, you know how it affected your family, if a line was crossed and you don't want her there, that's absolutely a valid response to her awful behaviour.

As to drugs - you've said you don't know where the behaviour has come from, so it could be that she's taken something either 'new' to her or more of something.

Thank you
I really agree with you
i do feel bad but, I can’t have a repeat - actually I won’t have a repeat and I’m putting boundaries down
she can hate me all she wants - that is her choice and I’m choosing peace and comfort over her.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/05/2023 23:21

Rainbowqueeen · 07/05/2023 23:01

Im so sorry. It sounds horrible

Undiagnosed autism or ADHD sprang to mind when I read the thread. Looking back on her life generally, do you think that is a possibility?

You know she is safe. Her friends sound like they might give her some good advice about her behaviour too

I’d be focusing on DD1 for now.

🙄

I'd let her go, she has massively over stepped and is lucky dd1 hasn't reported her for assault.

Worriedmotheroftwo · 07/05/2023 23:21

What does DD1 say happened?!

BackAgainstWall · 07/05/2023 23:26

What would you do if she tries to come home tonight or tomorrow and it’s too soon for you?

Would she kick-off if you didn’t let her in?

XVII · 07/05/2023 23:26

She crossed a line. She’s 19 not 14 so absolutely no excuse for ‘typical teenage behaviour’
bollocks to that.

You dont have to feel guilty for anything and the needs of your family trump the needs of 1 member of it.

Thewitcherswolf · 07/05/2023 23:26

You can do serious damage to yourself messing with nitrous oxide. There have been cases of paralysis irreversible damage to the nervous system.

Houseplantmad · 07/05/2023 23:27

Has Dd1 said what triggered this? It sounds like DD2 may have been on something more than balloons.
It’s a horrible situation for everyone but I hope time and space will allow her to reflect on her behaviour but I imagine it’s going to be a while before you can move on from this.

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