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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I deal with this hurtful behaviour?

154 replies

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:41

My DD15 can be so moody and spiteful, she will stomp around the house grunting. I went to give her a hug this morning, she shook me off and recoiled. Now, I know she doesn’t have to accept a hug from me but I also want her to realise that the way she speaks and acts towards people does affect them. It’s so hurtful. If she is tired or grumpy she makes our lives miserable. I’d say this is her personality 75% of the time.
I have to take her to collect her new glasses tonight and we’ll normally call in for Macdonalds…but I don’t want to. I know it’s childish but I’m hurt.

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 26/04/2023 10:43

Being disrespectful in general should carry consequences.. Not hugging you is her right. In your shoes right now my hard earned cash wouldn't be paying for her a treat... Specs and home. And tell her why.

dietcokelime · 26/04/2023 10:47

Sounds very normal teenage - but are you tying in treating her to a McDonald's post buying glasses into her giving you physical affection? That makes me uncomfortable, the idea of rewarding physical contact with treats seems icky.

If she'd been shouty / swearing / horribly rude then yes, not getting a treat would make sense due to behaviour - but not being happy with a bit of physical contact is different imo. I think you're allowed to let her know you find it upsetting when she's rude, but I wouldn't link that to anything physical like not giving you a hug. Link it to her being rude / disrespectful, not the hug.

Paq · 26/04/2023 10:49

Ignore generic moodiness but make it clear that actual rudeness is not acceptable. Remember that 15 year old girls have a lot of hormones swirling round and don't take it personally. I'm sure she loves you!

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 10:51

If she is tired or grumpy she makes our lives miserable. I’d say this is her personality 75% of the time.

Sounds… teenage? When you say ‘makes our lives miserable’ what do you mean? What behaviour exactly?

I understand you were hurt not to get a hug but as the old saying goes, you catch more flies with honey. So I’d be inclined to treat after school and the glasses pick up as a separate occasion- like a toddler, there’s no real point divorcing the consequences later on from the behaviour this morning. If she’s nice after school, do McD’s as usual and have a good time together. If she’s grumpy, come home and tell her why.

Original poster
Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:52

No, I’m not not buying Macdonalds because she didn’t give me a hug. It’s the behaviour, barely speaking even to reply to a question, no please or thanks, I say “have a nice day “ when she leaves the house and she blanks me completely. Here’s your lunch for school…. Grabs, no reply.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 10:54

I don’t know. I think she sounds a bit moody but I would completely let go of manipulative language like ‘I’m so hurt’ as an excuse to remove a treat because she didn’t want to hug you.

Have you thought of sitting her down and just saying ‘hey is everything ok? You seem down/grumpy and I was wondering if something was happening.’

Nimbostratus100 · 26/04/2023 10:54

dont let her make your life miserable - there needs to be consequences every time she is rude and disrespectful.

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 10:54

A lot or stuff too you could just avoid totally. If she’s thankless when you do favours stop doing them. Let her have a bit of independence and sort her own lunch and things, maybe then she’ll see it as more of a favour and be more grateful.

Original poster
Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:55

I know teenage girls can be moody, but she brings down the whole mood of the house. How far do I let it go? When is it just plain rude and unacceptable?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 26/04/2023 10:55

Honestly it can be so awful having teenagers. Both of mine were horrible for a time.

As adults they are utterly wonderful and we have a great relationship.

Just be consistent try to avoid conflict. Pick your battles
It does get better

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 10:56

They do come out of the other side. Give her space. She’s a teenager.

pick your battles - recoiling from a hug is not a hill I’d want to die on for

SavBlancTonight · 26/04/2023 10:57

We are only in the early stages of this but I try to let generic bad moods wash over me. But actual rudeness I call on. So, general stomping round the house - I roll my eyes. Grabbing his lunch without saying thank you gets a reminder/reprimand etc.

General snippiness I ignore. But outright rudeness to me or anyone else and I tell him it's not okay and he can't speak to me like that. If it continues, I refuse to continue the conversation.

I already know I'm not getting it right 100% of the time, but I am trying.

Original poster
Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 11:00

It’s just an accumulation of her recent behaviour. I try and try, I ask her if she’s ok, if Anything is bothering her, if she’s sleeping ok, if she needs anything etc etc this morning though, it just peaked me. I’ll never stop trying, I love her, it just hurts when you get nothing back.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 11:01

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:55

I know teenage girls can be moody, but she brings down the whole mood of the house. How far do I let it go? When is it just plain rude and unacceptable?

I try to use a lot of humour and stay extremely calm. So if there’s no thanks for lunch made I do say something but try to keep it light - ‘Hey, thanks would be nice!’ If I get a rude pushback on that (rare) then I’ll remind them I don’t have to make lunch, they’re welcome to make their own. But I’ll be as neutral as poss in tone and language. Keep the emotion out if it e.g. - I do this, you say thank you; I can not do this - that’s fine by me. That’s for ungratefulness. For general grump I deploy humour or ignore it entirely.

endofthelinefinally · 26/04/2023 11:03

Going against the grain here, I think that we shouldn't just give teenagers a free pass to behave in a selfish, inconsiderate way. I don't think it is normal or acceptable. I think our job as parents is to accept that teenagers have their struggles, but part of growing up is learning to function as a member of society and parents need to be proactive in that process.

Original poster
Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 11:08

@endofthelinefinally that’s where I’m at. Does me brushing it aside make her think it’s ok to behave in that way? I know that I’m her safe person and she knows I’m not going anywhere even when she behaves terribly, but will that spill over into the real world?

OP posts:
Paq · 26/04/2023 11:10

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:55

I know teenage girls can be moody, but she brings down the whole mood of the house. How far do I let it go? When is it just plain rude and unacceptable?

You have to manage your own feelings and emotions in reaction to her moods. It's tough but don't let her get you down!

endofthelinefinally · 26/04/2023 11:23

I remember reading a very interesting book, many years ago about owning our feelings. So, for example, instead of saying to your teenager "your behaviour is selfish/hurtful", you say "when you say/do/whatever, I feel hurt, sad."
It is a useful skill within all relationships.
I think teenagers can get used to taking their parents for granted.

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 11:30

endofthelinefinally · 26/04/2023 11:03

Going against the grain here, I think that we shouldn't just give teenagers a free pass to behave in a selfish, inconsiderate way. I don't think it is normal or acceptable. I think our job as parents is to accept that teenagers have their struggles, but part of growing up is learning to function as a member of society and parents need to be proactive in that process.

I don’t give my teens a free pass to behave in selfish or inconsiderate ways. But I do try to praise the good and ignore the bad as far as possible. And when I do need to say something, that means it’s more likely to be listened to than if I insist on them being perfectly behaved all the time.

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 11:31

endofthelinefinally · 26/04/2023 11:23

I remember reading a very interesting book, many years ago about owning our feelings. So, for example, instead of saying to your teenager "your behaviour is selfish/hurtful", you say "when you say/do/whatever, I feel hurt, sad."
It is a useful skill within all relationships.
I think teenagers can get used to taking their parents for granted.

Yes - definitely this approach, 100%.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/04/2023 11:35

Txt her - either you start showing manners and thank me for making your lunch or I will stop making it. Your choice.

Same with other behaviour. There needs to be consequences for rudeness, right now there isn't any.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 26/04/2023 11:50

My DD15 was similar. It's bloody awful. The ignoring, eye rolls, disagreeing with everything I said. Grumpy with her sister etc etc.

DH and I sat her down and said it was unacceptable to behave like this. We acknowledged that we can all be in and moods but rudeness and sulking etc would not be tolerated.

It was honestly like a switch was flicked. She's been so much nicer and pleasant to be around. I still let her have teenage time in her room and respect her boundaries etc but it's like she realised such grumpiness just fed into her feeling crap. She's not perfect. She's a good kid and works hard at school. But the conversation did help.

Mariposista · 26/04/2023 11:58

endofthelinefinally · 26/04/2023 11:03

Going against the grain here, I think that we shouldn't just give teenagers a free pass to behave in a selfish, inconsiderate way. I don't think it is normal or acceptable. I think our job as parents is to accept that teenagers have their struggles, but part of growing up is learning to function as a member of society and parents need to be proactive in that process.

Totally agree with you. How about if she gets pregnant in the future? Again with hormones all over the place. She would not have a free pass to behave like a dick, if she acted up at work she would be disciplined, and would piss of her husband/partner. She needs to learn to cope with her body changing as a functional human being.

endofthelinefinally · 26/04/2023 12:04

HavfrueDenizKisi · 26/04/2023 11:50

My DD15 was similar. It's bloody awful. The ignoring, eye rolls, disagreeing with everything I said. Grumpy with her sister etc etc.

DH and I sat her down and said it was unacceptable to behave like this. We acknowledged that we can all be in and moods but rudeness and sulking etc would not be tolerated.

It was honestly like a switch was flicked. She's been so much nicer and pleasant to be around. I still let her have teenage time in her room and respect her boundaries etc but it's like she realised such grumpiness just fed into her feeling crap. She's not perfect. She's a good kid and works hard at school. But the conversation did help.

Exactly this. Communication and expectation of reasonable behaviour.

Eggseggseverywhere · 26/04/2023 12:25

Lack of respect sees perks of having a nice dm removed here ! My dd 16 has done her own laundry for 2 years because I was sick of cleam stuff being dumped on the floordrobe.. Hers to deal with now. Yabu to make her lunches if it isn't appreciated imo. And no lifts of she isn't polite. WiFi password changed is a great tool for better attitude.. Works faster than a Maccy's!