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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I deal with this hurtful behaviour?

154 replies

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:41

My DD15 can be so moody and spiteful, she will stomp around the house grunting. I went to give her a hug this morning, she shook me off and recoiled. Now, I know she doesn’t have to accept a hug from me but I also want her to realise that the way she speaks and acts towards people does affect them. It’s so hurtful. If she is tired or grumpy she makes our lives miserable. I’d say this is her personality 75% of the time.
I have to take her to collect her new glasses tonight and we’ll normally call in for Macdonalds…but I don’t want to. I know it’s childish but I’m hurt.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 27/04/2023 13:05

Some really great comments and I would add that it could be time for your daughter to be trusted to make her own lunch (or cakes to add etc) and possibly a meal for the family every now and again.
A fifteen year old enjoys learning adult life skills and they learn quickly and like to add their own flair.
Does she have access to a sewing machine?

momtoboys · 27/04/2023 13:36

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 11:00

It’s just an accumulation of her recent behaviour. I try and try, I ask her if she’s ok, if Anything is bothering her, if she’s sleeping ok, if she needs anything etc etc this morning though, it just peaked me. I’ll never stop trying, I love her, it just hurts when you get nothing back.

She wants you to keep trying. She may not act like it but I believe she does. Being a teenager is so hard and them and on the parents. You will come out the other side.

TeenLifeMum · 27/04/2023 13:44

I’m not surprised but heavily disagree with the number of posters saying it’s normal. I think it’s only normal if you allow it but if you deal with instances early and are clear re expectations then this shouldn’t be a daily treatment you accept. Yes teens push boundaries but they need clearly defined boundaries that sometimes move due to age etc.

i have 3 dds 12-15 and we’ve had stroppy moments and hormones but always followed by a calm conversation and apologies.

Whichnumbers · 27/04/2023 13:46

I have to take her to collect her new glasses tonight and we’ll normally call in for Macdonalds…but I don’t want to.

well don't then and if asked, just say - I don't feel like it today, as your behaviour is very grumpy 75% of the time now its not pleasant

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 27/04/2023 13:58

I was like her as a kid and honestly you sound quite suffocating which would make me even more foul as a teen 😄 just fuck offfff let her live man! As a teen I would have thought ‘obviously you hope I have a good day, why do you need to SAY it to me, so annoying!!’
Obviously I see now as a fully grown adult that that’s not rational, but I also think it’s a normal teen process really. Since when have teens been known to be rational 😵‍💫

Hellybelly84 · 27/04/2023 13:58

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:52

No, I’m not not buying Macdonalds because she didn’t give me a hug. It’s the behaviour, barely speaking even to reply to a question, no please or thanks, I say “have a nice day “ when she leaves the house and she blanks me completely. Here’s your lunch for school…. Grabs, no reply.

I wouldn’t make (or ever pass) her lunch to her until she can say thank you and tell her that in a calm way. Explain that its basic politeness to say please and thank you and you are not prepared to do anything extra for her until you get this. Its fine to be a teenager and sometimes moody, but thats just downright rude. She needs her glasses so get those and then straight home.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 27/04/2023 14:00

momtoboys · 27/04/2023 13:36

She wants you to keep trying. She may not act like it but I believe she does. Being a teenager is so hard and them and on the parents. You will come out the other side.

Show quote history

God no I absolutely think STOP trying. Just back off and get on with things and if she wants to engage she will but it feels like OP is hovering and intrusive (from a teen perspective). She’s heard that you care enough, she knows should she need it!

PhillySub · 27/04/2023 14:09

Arucana · 27/04/2023 12:42

Is it bad manners though or wanting to interact differently and rebelling a bit when that isn’t accepted. Also once teenagers it is up to them how well mannered they want to be surely?

Show quote history

I wouldn't be particularly worried initially about psychoanalyzing the reasons behind it but be more focussed on bringing socially acceptable behaviour and some tranquility back to my house. No, it is not up to them to be ill mannered and loutish. This is down to good parenting to nip it in the bud. How can they expect to exist in the real world if they don't learn boundaries?

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 14:16

TeenLifeMum · 27/04/2023 13:44

I’m not surprised but heavily disagree with the number of posters saying it’s normal. I think it’s only normal if you allow it but if you deal with instances early and are clear re expectations then this shouldn’t be a daily treatment you accept. Yes teens push boundaries but they need clearly defined boundaries that sometimes move due to age etc.

i have 3 dds 12-15 and we’ve had stroppy moments and hormones but always followed by a calm conversation and apologies.

Moody, spiteful, dragging the house atmosphere down, thats at the really excessive end of things.

Definitely give them space, but the teen years go on for years so taking the chance that this is a little phase is not the way to go IMO.

Picking your battles is definitely a part of rearing teens, but good parenting is not allowing anyone to think being spiteful to those closest to you is the way to go when things aren't going great for you.

That so many think its ok explains a lot.

It is possible to parent calmly in a supportive loving way, whilst not allowing their moodiness and spiteful behaviour sour a house 75% of the time.

That is a massive percentage, and if it was a man I would be advising someone to leave!

Why should her siblings have their lives impacted by her foul moods?

They have every right to live in a home thats atmosphere isn't soured most of the time by one person.

JulieHoney · 27/04/2023 14:35

Give her some space and try very very hard not to take it personally.

I empathise - at times my DD treated me like dirt so much her friends pulled her up on it. I learnt to grey rock that stuff.

She has big feelings and doesn't know what to do with them. You are a safe outlet. That's a credit to your parenting; she knows you'll still love her when she's behaving unloveable. Puberty is hard going, and young people are subjected to pressures we never had to deal with.

Pull her up on actual rudeness, shrug off the moodiness and attitude and be reassured that your lovely caring friendly daughter will emerge from this eventually.

It gets better, I promise.

cestlavielife · 27/04/2023 14:37

Go to mcdonalds
Start a conversation about her favourure weeken plansd or holiday
Or who is her best friend
Or anything
Maybe she will open up
Listen to her

Dinoswearunderpants · 27/04/2023 14:41

I was sadly this teenager however my relationship with my Mum wasn't the best ever. Just give her some space but try and speak with her when she's calm and explain how her behaviour affects others.

As a parent, this must be so heartbreaking.

Also I find vitamin B6 really helps me with my mood swings around my period so this might help her too.

Sending you hugs.

mainsfed · 27/04/2023 14:50

Don’t reward the surly behaviour with McDonalds.

And she is old enough to make packed lunches.

WisherWood · 27/04/2023 14:59

TeenLifeMum · 27/04/2023 13:44

I’m not surprised but heavily disagree with the number of posters saying it’s normal. I think it’s only normal if you allow it but if you deal with instances early and are clear re expectations then this shouldn’t be a daily treatment you accept. Yes teens push boundaries but they need clearly defined boundaries that sometimes move due to age etc.

i have 3 dds 12-15 and we’ve had stroppy moments and hormones but always followed by a calm conversation and apologies.

I think people are saying that it's normal as in 'commonly occurring' not as in 'acceptable'. I agree about the drawing of boundaries but I also think there's a difference between rudeness and just basically being unhappy.

I remember getting to the stage where I would make my breakfast and take it upstairs to eat in my room each morning because otherwise I'd get 20 questions before I'd had a chance to eat anything. Low blood sugar and teenage hormones are not a happy mix. I'd have been fine if people had left me alone to get on with things. I wasn't being actively rude. But I didn't want anyone in my space and continually badgering provoked a rude response whereas being left alone meant little or no response. If someone had tried to hug me I think I'd have gone full on Hulk.

So yes, draw boundaries. But also think about her boundaries and respect those.

Gymnopedie · 27/04/2023 15:14

Arucana · 27/04/2023 12:42

Is it bad manners though or wanting to interact differently and rebelling a bit when that isn’t accepted. Also once teenagers it is up to them how well mannered they want to be surely?

Show quote history

But if you assert that right to the teenager then you also have to assert the right of the parents to decide how helpful they want to be, beyond the most basic functions.

Making their lunch, giving them lifts, treats or money, new phones, the latest trainers are not basic functions and the parent has the choice to engage with those things or not.

Arucana · 27/04/2023 15:24

PhillySub · 27/04/2023 14:09

I wouldn't be particularly worried initially about psychoanalyzing the reasons behind it but be more focussed on bringing socially acceptable behaviour and some tranquility back to my house. No, it is not up to them to be ill mannered and loutish. This is down to good parenting to nip it in the bud. How can they expect to exist in the real world if they don't learn boundaries?

Show quote history

Can’t disagree with any of that but I do personally allowed more behaviour in the house than I would accept out of the house and I do think tackle any emotional cause first and help them with that and then secondarily address the behaviour. Chances are any teenager who is moody at home but not getting trouble at school is likely to know social norms regarding behaviour well enough.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 27/04/2023 15:26

It is important for girls to know they can decline unwanted physical contact.

Arucana · 27/04/2023 15:28

Gymnopedie · 27/04/2023 15:14

But if you assert that right to the teenager then you also have to assert the right of the parents to decide how helpful they want to be, beyond the most basic functions.

Making their lunch, giving them lifts, treats or money, new phones, the latest trainers are not basic functions and the parent has the choice to engage with those things or not.

Show quote history

Well it depends how you view things I guess. I view parents as having a responsibility to parent at all times no matter what. I would rather let some less than ideal behaviour go unchecked than miss a sign my child was struggling emotionally and it was being demonstrated by their behaviour. But I’ve done that consistently all their lives and I do expect to be treat with respect and have children that do treat me with respect - so when they occasionally don’t, I know there is an issue. I didn’t nip disrespectful behaviour in the bud when they were teenagers though. In my opinion that’s way too late. I tackled it when they were more like 3-7 years old when I could say, I’ll think about that when you remember to use your nice voice etc.

Arucana · 27/04/2023 15:30

cestlavielife · 27/04/2023 14:37

Go to mcdonalds
Start a conversation about her favourure weeken plansd or holiday
Or who is her best friend
Or anything
Maybe she will open up
Listen to her

That’s what I would do. If my teenager is getting moody with me, I get a trip to the cinema or watching a movie together at home sorted. It connects us again without pressure.

goldfinchfan · 27/04/2023 15:40

There are PPs here w far tlly.oo persoani took nable
The wisedom is in letting go. They want to be contraary and difficult. Don't buy the MacD's. don'tn reward bad behaviour.

She will come through the othrside and does love you. But it does hurt when they are nasty.

I went thru this ovr 40 years ago and there was no where to get the support and knowledge like there is now. So I took it far too personally which made it worse.

TellySavalashairbrush · 27/04/2023 15:41

Sounds like perfectly normal teenage behaviour to me. Let her know you love her and are always there for her and leave it at that. Mine is now 25 and only now really starting to become a pleasant, kind young person towards me. She was permanently grumpy, but knew she could talk to me if she felt she wanted to.

goldfinchfan · 27/04/2023 15:43

not sure wht happened to my post !
There are PP's here who haven't yet had the expeience for real !

The DD as teen son't want nice and reasonable they want conflict.
Don't take it personally. That was my mistake it was over 40 years ago and there wasn't the support and wisdom there is now.

itsmylife7 · 27/04/2023 15:57

You're allowing her to be very rude to you and its extremely disrespectful. I had moods as a teenager but I never spoke to my parents rudely.

All this teenagers are moody crap needs to stop.... she's rude to you because you say nothing and allow it.

Miajk · 27/04/2023 16:11

Whichnumbers · 27/04/2023 13:46

I have to take her to collect her new glasses tonight and we’ll normally call in for Macdonalds…but I don’t want to.

well don't then and if asked, just say - I don't feel like it today, as your behaviour is very grumpy 75% of the time now its not pleasant

This is so silly.

Unsolicited hugging and touching can also be unpleasant. Clingy nagging parents can be unpleasant.

We expect teens to just accept everything because there's some kind of power dynamic there - what is the teen supposed to do really?

I would hate someone constantly nagging, being clingy, etc. - as an adult luckily I have the choice to avoid these people but if it's your own parent what are you to do?

The OP is being nice by most people's standards, but she keeps doing things that she knows Annoy her daughter. She goes above and beyond but then is mad that teen reacts in a specific way when I doubt the behaviour is wanted or appreciated anyway in the first place.

concertgoer · 27/04/2023 16:14

So tell her !!!

shes 15. She can hear a few home truths. Put diplomatically.

if she REALLY wants to go to McDonald’s, can she pay?
because clearly you don’t feel like treating/rewarding her because she’s been a little cow !!

don’t mention it. Just head home & if she doesn’t open the conversation as to why. You can.

do you drive? I find the car an excellent space to speak to a teen because they can’t escape !!