How do I deal with this hurtful behaviour?

[Changeling78]

My DD15 can be so moody and spiteful, she will stomp around the house grunting. I went to give her a hug this morning, she shook me off and recoiled. Now, I know she doesn’t have to accept a hug from me but I also want her to realise that the way she speaks and acts towards people does affect them. It’s so hurtful. If she is tired or grumpy she makes our lives miserable. I’d say this is her personality 75% of the time.
I have to take her to collect her new glasses tonight and we’ll normally call in for Macdonalds…but I don’t want to. I know it’s childish but I’m hurt.

This.

Welcome to the world of 15 year old grumpiness.

This 💯% for me. I'm onto my 3rd teen, 2nd girl and it's just the same here. I remember when I was 15 and I was horrid sometimes, all hormonal, and teenage issues, exams, boys, general crap, but i totally adored my mother always.

Some hills I also wouldn't die on.

Aren't they all like this?
I know my Dd was at 15. I really didn't like her very much some days. However I would have still followed the routine of getting her glasses and going to MacDonalds as I found that following this kind of nice activity/treat whatever you want to call it, seemed to soften her even if just for a few hours and I hung on for those nice times. She's 18 now has has mostly come out the other end of it.
I carried on regardless of her prickly attitude and when she made any cutting remarks would correct her and say, 'what you mean to say is, I love you Mummy" She'd roll her eyes a lot and walk off but it made me feel better.

DD is like this at times, I just remind her it’s ok to be upset or moody but it’s not ok to take it out on us. If she wants to talk about it then we can get a cuppa and a chat but if she wants to feel pissed off then that’s ok too, just don’t lash out at the rest of us. She always picks one of the other but the mood doesn’t last for much longer and she comes and chats to me about why she’s not feeling great after - even if it’s just her saying she doesn’t know why she doesn’t feel good. It’s working so far but she’s a couple of years off 15 yet!

I think it is right to tell your teen not to be rude or grumpy and to call them out on their behaviour.

But do not look to them for affection and don't let them "hurt" you and certainly don't be retaliatory. You don't need to feel hurt - she is a teen and this is how teens behave, it is not personal to you.

You're the parent and they are the child.

Don't make lunch one day - that'll be sure you get a thank you next time.
If there's pushback change the WiFi password or 'pause' her phone contract (if you pay for it) - kids (even teenagers) need to learn that they can't be rude to adults.

The above helped bring my DC back into check remarkably quickly!

Thanks for all the replies, she was chirpy when she returned from school ( excited about her new glasses). We chatted on the way and she was half decent. I didn’t stop at MacDonalds but I just told her I’d already made food.
I didn’t bring her behaviour up as I didn’t want to bring the mood down and she is going away with school today so I didn’t want it hanging over her head. Next time she behaves that way, with the rudeness, I will definitely call her on it.

I think In regards the hugging….my parents didn’t hug or maybe they gave up hugging teenage me, and now we rarely hug and if we do it feels really awkward. I know not everyone is a hugger but what if I stop trying and then it just becomes awkward. I’m not a big hugger btw, only with my oh and dc.

I know that some parents find that communicating by text sometimes works with their teens - not all the time obviously - but there might be times when this might help.

My DDs hug me all the time now - they didn't when they were 15!!

I feel sorry for teens now - so much pressure - exams, friendships, online puzzlements, sexual activity pressures which tell them what unrealistic things they should be doing and which bits to shave etc., concern about looks - all this on top of hormones. It is so hard for them.

I agree.

I believe it is ok to tell her you love and are there for her if she needs you, BUT her behaviour is NOT acceptable.

IF she CHOOSES to behave in such a way, she will have to ACCEPT the CONSEQUENCES.

These consequences can be a variety of things.

No lifts.
No money.
Buy her zero treats.
Stop do her lunch.
Stop doing her laundry or anything that benefits her.

A home is more than one person and there is absolutely no way that I would allow one person drag the whole atmosphere down.

If she has issues or worries, absolutely encourage her to tell you and let her know that you will help and listen in any way.

HOWEVER, you will no longer accept her rudeness and disrespect and that you will no longer facilitate her within the house if she doesn't cop herself on.

I have 4 children teens-20's and have had to have a variation of the conversation above when necessary.

None of them have been as extreme as you describe, but that is because I will nip it in the bud quickly.

I have found a very fast reversal of rudeness when "operation zero tolerance" is instigated.

The not buying treats illicits a quick response as does "get the bus" etc.

Making their lives less comfortable is most effective.

You do her no favour accepting this.

In my experience from friends, it only gets worse, so being kind, but VERY firm is the best policy with children.

Teens are largely inherently self absorbed and will only change their behaviour through self interest.

Making their lives less pampered hits the spot IMO.

So in response to any further rudeness just disengaged and refuse her requests for anything.

She thinks she can behave poorly and you will suck it up.

This is a very bad message to give her.
You have feelings and are allowed to be hurt by her behaviour.

As she grows up, her friends won't be long walking away if she takes that attitude with them.

I never show anger, I just start saying No to everything and take a break for myself😁.

Will you drop me somewhere? Nope.
Where's MY lunch? No idea.
Is my laundry done? Nope
Are there any treats? Nope.
May I have money for X? Nope.

You get the idea.

Do NOT bring her to McD's and take that opportunity to tell her why and that you are finished tolerating her appalling behaviour.

Do it calmly and then let her see you mean business.

IMO children of all ages respond well to boundaries and knowing where they stand.

Good luck!

My youngest was a total pill at that age - vile to me unless she wanted something, when she would turn on the charm.

The second she left home for Uni our relationship blossomed. She needed my help and advice navigating the world and just generally grew up and became the lovely, sweet, caring person she is today.

She has an important professional job in a caring role and i am so proud of the adult she has become. I look back and honestly think hormones have a lot to answer for. Before I started HRT I had hideous mood swings and it made me more sympathetic to what she must have been going through. So my advice is hang in there, recognise a lot her behaviour may be outwith her control and it really is just a phase.

Thats positive.

Keep the hugging up.

Also telling them you love them.

It's good not to get out of the habit of it.

I consciously say it to mine whenever I drop them off, as a habit.

Life can be hard for teens, I absolutely agree with that, and home is a safe place.

I understand they can be tired and fed up, all very normal.

However, souring an entire house 75% of the time with your mood and attitude is a whole different ball game.

She needs to learn to control herself and that the whole house isn't her emotional punching bag.

Reminding them every so often that infact they are not the only ones that can be difficult does them no harm at all.

We do a lot for them, basic courtesy and respect isn't that too much to ask for.

She's 15. She's not being like this because she wants to be, I'm sure she'd much rather be full of the joys of spring.

She's feeling awkward, and crappy and unsure of both her own body and her own mind. She's trying to work out who she is. Her hormones and brain are telling her she needs to be pulling away from you and seeking acceptance from her friends and she is likely feeling physical revulsion at the idea of a hug from you.

And the worst part is that she has no idea why she's feeling like this. The fact that she flinches at a hug, can't help but reply with an eye roll when you speak despite the fact she respects you, can't get more than a few words out because she feels like she's about to cry and she has no idea why. All of these things just make her feel crappier about herself.

I swear that some people completely forget what puberty is like to go through, how alien you suddenly feel compared to everyone else, how little you can deal with your emotions. I'm male and remember a couple of years being horrendous, I can't imagine how much worse it probably is for girls, with periods and men suddenly showing an interest etc.

DD 15 is coming out of the other side of this. Like your daughter @Changeling78 she was sullen, grumpy, endless eye rolls, uncommunicative. She wasn't actively rude, her words were never intended to hurt us, but by god the tone of voice she said them in could strip paint at times.

Me and DP let her know we were there. If she wanted a hug she could come to us. Occasionally if she looked like she wanted a hug then I'd just open my arms and she could come over if she wanted to. We ignored the low grade stuff if it was just us around, the eye rolls, the tone. Any hurtful words weren't tolerated, but to be honest there weren't many of them. And we asked her to try and be a bit upbeat and cheerful with family.

The best way I found to spend some quality time with her was to go for a walk. I started going out for an hour after I finished work, and I'd invite her every day. 4/5ths of the time she wouldn't want to come, but sometimes she would, and sometimes she'd talk. I'd be chatty, but not afraid to just leave a companionable silence. There's an activity involved, so you're not just awkwardly sitting there. More often than not she'd start filling the silences, and I'd start to hear about her day, or her friends problems, or something she'd learned, or we'd argue about something stupid like Doctor Who etc.

DP and DD had Strictly Come Dancing, or Gogglebox etc. I'd make myself scarce and they'd have something daft they could watch together, have a hot chocolate and comment on the show. More often than not they'd carry on chatting after the show finished.

Boy problems were her Aunts territory. She'd talk to her about stuff she wouldn't tell us, so we'd engineer a reason for us to go away and Aunt stay here, or Aunt to have her to stay for the night, just so they could have that 1 on 1 time every so often.

As I said, she's coming out the other side now, the good days are far more frequent than the bad, and she actively wants to spend time with us.

I'd try giving her evening primrose oil to balance out her hormones, it works for teens the same way it does for women heading through the menopause. The teen years don't have to be this tough, sounds rubbish f

For her and you that was meant to say! Good luck!

@Changeling78 I would be surprised if a 15 y.o. girl DIDN'T behave like this tbh. They can be very hurtful and cruel. My DD said some really sharp and hurtful things when she was about 15-19. Really cut me and DH quite deeply.

She has acknowledged how nasty she was sometimes though, and said she didn't mean any of it, and has said sorry 100X over! It's just one of those things. The behaviour of teenagers can be brutal sometimes

It’s just an accumulation of her recent behaviour. I try and try, I ask her if she’s ok, if Anything is bothering her, if she’s sleeping ok, if she needs anything etc etc this morning though, it just peaked me. I’ll never stop trying, I love her, it just hurts when you get nothing back.

She's in a swirl of resentment-inducing hormonal fug, & your solicitous questioning obviously isn't working. So stop doing it. She doesn't want your concern (right now) & she doesn't want hugs. Have you tried asking her why she's being so rude, & telling her to cut it out? It sounds counter-intuitive, but she might find the direct approach easier to take.

I'd take her for the McD's, & tell her that you know it's hard being a teen, & you want to give her some leeway & respect her emerging adulthood. But that other people live in the house too, & she needs to consider their feelings if she wants her own to be accommodated.

@dietcokelime · Yesterday 10:47
Sounds very normal teenage - but are you tying in treating her to a McDonald's post buying glasses into her giving you physical affection? That makes me uncomfortable, the idea of rewarding physical contact with treats seems icky.

What a weird reply.

Grumpiness is acceptable but rudeness is not, not ever. Yes 15 year old girls are full of hormones but that is no reason to let them away with bad behaviour. If she can't thank you for making her lunch don't make her lunch( should be doing it herself anyway) If she want's takeaway then she has to earn it by doing chores. Stop letting her walk over you.

I don’t have teenagers yet - but will do in the future (mine are only 6 and 1.5 yrs old).

The adult brain doesn’t fully develop until the age of around 28 years… that’s when things should calm down (and probably a bit before then anyway)

Teenagers almost go through a regression at this stage (bit like toddlerhood, but worse - I remember it well when I was a teenager myself 🫣) they become very self absorbed, moody, etc. it’s all totally normal. Rudeness I would definitely be calling out on, as it’s just unacceptable. You might want to check out ‘coping with your teenager’ on the NHS website it has some decent information on there about behaviour etc.

Sending hugs - it’s hard whatever stage you are at, but remember you are your safe space for your daughter and she will appreciate that in years to come. You are there for her and she knows it 😊

I don't know, I choose to pick my battles. You need to develop a thick skin, not take it personally and learn how the teenage brain works which is different from at any other stage of life.

Teenagers can be grumpy, rude, selfish have daft expectations of you etc but they can also be hilarious, unexpectedly kind, sharp-witted and observant. DDs make me laugh so much.

It can also be quite hard on us if we are going through another stage of life at the same time. When I was 14 my mum was early 50s and full on menopausal - that was an interesting time! We get on well but there was a fair bit of shouting and crying at that point.

I agree with this. I remember the teenage years being pretty awful on me and I also had PMT for years afterwards but I was conscious not to take it out on everyone around me because I dont like it when people take their shit out on me either and feeling like you are walking on eggshells is no way to live for anyone.

Its one thing to give someone space when they dont feel like talking/hugging etc its another thing entirely to put up with blatant rudeness and disrespect and being a teen isnt an excuse for that.

One thing I really agree with is telling them you love them.

I’d stop making her packed lunch, for a start. And tell her - in nice, calm tones - that if she CBA to say thank you, you CBA to make it.

I don’t know why so many people say that teen girls are bound to be a nightmare. Is it because they’re allowed to be? Maybe we were exceptionally lucky, but ours never were, and we were far from strict parents - if anything IMO we were over-chilled.

Being a teenage girl is no easy task, especially in this day and age. When my daughter gets like this I give her space, let her know I’m here if she needs me and treat her with all the things I think might make her feel better. Being trapped inside her head while felling this way is worse than what you experience from outside of it. Also have you looked at the pattern? Is she worse around her period? My daughter has just been diagnosed with PMDD and we are now on track to getting her hormones balanced with medication. It’s been a long, difficult road for all involved but I know she suffers the most from it. We all have bad days and bad moods, punishing her for being down and having emotions or stress she doesn’t know how to deal with is only going to make worse in the long run. Ask her this… does she need you to listen to her rant? Or does she need help with a problem? Is there something bothering her that she feels she can’t discuss? Put yourself in her shoes and try and have some understanding and compassion. Wouldn’t you expect the same from people if you were acting distant and moody?