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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I deal with this hurtful behaviour?

154 replies

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:41

My DD15 can be so moody and spiteful, she will stomp around the house grunting. I went to give her a hug this morning, she shook me off and recoiled. Now, I know she doesn’t have to accept a hug from me but I also want her to realise that the way she speaks and acts towards people does affect them. It’s so hurtful. If she is tired or grumpy she makes our lives miserable. I’d say this is her personality 75% of the time.
I have to take her to collect her new glasses tonight and we’ll normally call in for Macdonalds…but I don’t want to. I know it’s childish but I’m hurt.

OP posts:
Anyonefordessert · 26/04/2023 12:28

I thought you were talking about my teenager daughter. She is exactly the same. Moody, grumpy, one word answers and hates me giving her a cuddle/kiss.
I don't take it to heart but I do pick my battles with her. When she is really rude to me than she know I won't be buying her Mcdonald's, pizza on a Friday after school. DH and I had a word about her attitude recently and said she has been unbearable and rude to her two younger brothers and they don't deserve to be walking around on egg shells. She apologise which was a first and said, she can't help it sometimes. We said we know she has lots of changes going on but not to be rude to everyone in the house. We actually had a cuddle and the last week has been better at home. It is good to talk if you can.

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 12:32

I just don’t understand why you would persist in trying to cuddle/kiss someone who recoils or ‘hates it.’ To me that’s way worse behaviour than being a bit moody.

SchoolNightWine · 26/04/2023 12:40

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:55

I know teenage girls can be moody, but she brings down the whole mood of the house. How far do I let it go? When is it just plain rude and unacceptable?

I heard a quote once... "you're only as happy as your most miserable child".
They really do bring everyone's mood down don't they!
I have 2 teens, one just like yours who can't see why on earth I would want him to talk to me or spend any time with me. When he's in a bad mood he can say hurtful things, deliberately to get a rise.
The other can't understand why her brother acts the way he does, is very loving and thoughtful.
Teens can go either way I reckon, despite being brought up just the same.

feelingrubbish2023 · 26/04/2023 12:41

My dc would be annoyed if I kept asking if they were ok, if they were sleeping ok. I'd just get a I'm fine mum, stop nagging.

Keep it light, go shopping, for a milkshake, to the cinema, as long as they know you are there when they need you. From experience about 11pm when I'm just getting tucked up in bed they come in and want to chat.

JazbayGrapes · 26/04/2023 13:01

My dc would be annoyed if I kept asking if they were ok, if they were sleeping ok. I'd just get a I'm fine mum, stop nagging.

Anyone would be annoyed. Teenagers are self absorbed, but some parents are just as bad.

bendmeoverbackwards · 26/04/2023 13:06

@SchoolNightWine I hate that phrase so much!

Currently struggling with my dd, she has challanges (autism) but I’ve made too many allowances over the years and now is often rude and entitled. I’m making a list of behaviours I want to change and put some firm boundaries in. But not too much at once with GCSEs coming up soon, I know she is stressed.

But in the meantime I refuse to allow her moods to affect mine. At least with teens you can got out and leave them to their sulks. Doing things you enjoy really helps take your mind off it. And I try to remind myself that it WILL pass.

JazbayGrapes · 26/04/2023 13:13

Respect goes both ways. You need to respect her personal space.

Mischance · 26/04/2023 13:20

Ignore moodiness - unless you think she is seriously depressed.
Call out rudeness in a non-combative way - "I find that rather rude; I am sorry you have spoken to me like that." Then say no more.

I had 3 teenage DDs on the go at one time, so speak from experience! The key is to avoid confrontation because it gets you nowhere. Only risk confrontation about the very serious things that might put them in danger.

Find an opportunity every day to:

  • tell them you love them.
  • tell them you trust them.
You will probably get a shrug for your pains, but just ignore that - the message will be creeping in.

Do not make too much of you feeling hurt - they need you to have a rational head to calm their emotional turmoil which they do not know how to control. If they get a hit of negative emotion from you things can spiral out of control.

AdamRyan · 26/04/2023 13:20

Oh teenagers are horrible. My SD is 15 and exactly the same. Currently refusing to talk to her dad because he pulled her up on it. Because she's my SD I stay out of it but her moods are horrendous, yet she expects to be picked up/dropped off, extra curricular activities organised and paid for, food she likes, what she wants on TV etc etc
I have an 18 year old DS who was horrific when he was 15 but has really matured and become a lot more of a reasonable human in the last year, thank god.

I don't have advice other than 15 is the worst age and hopefully she'll be out of it soon, and be consistent with what you expect and don't take it personally if she's stroppy.

At the end of the day it's your home that you pay for and so she follows your rules. If that means she greets you in the morning, answers questions politely and says thank you then that's reasonable.

I'm totally with you on the McDs too, I would say "I don't feel like spending my money on McDonald's for you when your attitude is disrespectful. Yoy aren't even polite enough to say thank you for the lunch I made."

Mischance · 26/04/2023 13:23

Oh - by the way - all my DDs have come through this phase and are now the loveliest of young women. They hug me, tell me they love me and have carried me through the illness and death of my husband with maturity and kindness.

Don't despair.

Zara82 · 27/04/2023 05:29

You need to set some boundaries.

Sit her down, and let her know what you feel is acceptable and what is not. And have consequences.

Simple moodiness is normal, but continually rudeness is not.

It's also okay to tell her how her actions have an impact on you and the rest of the household

autienotnaught · 27/04/2023 05:45

I'd lower your expectations. She's battling with hormones, school, friendships etc. I wouldn't set her up to fail by demanding of her. But I would expect basic politeness, chores done etc. I usually had a standard consequence of loss of phone for a period of time. That was usually enough.

Happysocks18 · 27/04/2023 06:23

I’m going through this at the moment and have read a couple of books which have helped. “123 magic teen” and “the book you wish your parents had read”. It’s a difficult time and I’m finding if you are too harsh with boundaries it pushes them away to friends and pushes them to rebel more.

We pick our battles now and remove phone time for times when she’s been very rude or disrespectful but allow a little bit of hormonal grumpiness as I know what I can feel like every month!

Try not to push her too much to chat and give hugs and you’ll probably find if you back off a bit and let her come and chat to you when she’s ready she’ll open up a lot more. I find car journeys alone with her and at bedtime she’ll come in for a chat and are usually the times she’s good at opening up.

Catspyjamas17 · 27/04/2023 06:38

Talk to her about it when she is in a better mood? "Yesterday when you were rude/angry/upset, was it because you were worried about the Maths test the next day?" and so on. Alongside one another in the car can be helpful. Also model behaviour yourself, we can all be stressed, rude or unreasonable sometimes. Realise when you have been, apologise and explain why. The McDonalds thing is neither here for me, I wouldn't want to build it up to a huge treat which can be withdrawn. The glasses she surely needs and is non-negotiable, it's not a privilege.

Catspyjamas17 · 27/04/2023 06:43

The reward for them is better, easier interaction, getting on with family and others better, becoming and emotionally intelligent person and well rounded human being, for me, which develops for them over time, it's not about immediate carrots and sticks.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 27/04/2023 07:02

I think it depends what would usually happen after the Macdonalds. If it means you would have a chat and communicate then I would still go for it, but if it is just dishing it out and eating in silence then maybe not.

I would also perhaps highlight that you have noticed that she doesn't seem so happy with her lunch these days and you realise that she is getting towards a time where she will need to be more independent and maybe live away from you. To help her prepare for this you think now would be a good time for her to start making her own lunch. This also involves her telling you before you go shopping if there is anything that she needs.

I phrase quite a lot of moodiness in terms of them being normal and developing independence and a sign that maybe they are ready for more responsibility. I think it helps you and them to realise that it is fairly normal behaviour, they start to do more so when I do occasionally put a load of their washing out then they appreciate it more because they know that it is actually their responsibility now and I am being nice and helpful.

I think that on the whole my dc are working hard at school, they are not drinking, taking drugs or pregnant so in general things are going well and part of normal growing up is detaching a little from the parents.

Carlag · 27/04/2023 07:10

I am currently reading a book called untangled which is about teenage girl behaviour (I have three girls so thought it a good investment 🙈) may be worth a read for you!

Whochangedmynamec · 27/04/2023 07:14

It’s not you though! Her body is cganging, she’s stressed and uncomfortable in her own skin etc. pretend you haven’t noticed and behave as normal. This is a time of massive change and uncertainty- so you be an unchanging positive force in her life

LittleCatSing · 27/04/2023 07:16

Changeling78 · 26/04/2023 10:52

No, I’m not not buying Macdonalds because she didn’t give me a hug. It’s the behaviour, barely speaking even to reply to a question, no please or thanks, I say “have a nice day “ when she leaves the house and she blanks me completely. Here’s your lunch for school…. Grabs, no reply.

Withdraw and back off a bit.
The instinct is to try to please her to get her to stop but that just makes it worse.
She will then have to communicate with you and ask for things.
No lifts,treats, money or packed lunches offered..
She will need to stop bullying you and ask politely.

Northernladdette · 27/04/2023 08:09

My daughter is like this and she’s 36!

ItsHardknocklife · 27/04/2023 08:11

I have 2 teenage daughters aged 17 and nearly 16 they wouldn't want to hug me it would make them cringe.. as for being rude unfortunately most teens are it's hormones but I just pick my battles.

Anderson2018 · 27/04/2023 08:46

I would say just try and approach with caution, teenage girls are complicated creatures, I remember that stage well for myself and I had a horrendous time with my hormones. Don’t take anything she does personally unless she is really being horrible then obviously that’s not ok. But general moodiness and not wanting to talk to anyone is normal, give her space and let her be. Maybe try spending one on one time with her, spa day, shopping trip or something. I know you feel she doesn’t deserve it but she won’t forget how you treat her in this time that she’s going through these horrible changes. Even just running her a bath with a nice bath bomb and a mask. Again I’m not suggesting you reward her bad behaviour if she genuinely is being intentionally horrible, but if she is struggling with emotions it could easily lead to her feeling depressed and anxious which will be causing her to act out. You sound like a good mum and you want to help her through it so try not to take it all to personally. I have struggled with hormones my whole life and especially during my pregnancies, I have really struggled with my emotions. Doesn’t mean I’m trying to be mean it just means I need a hug and a treat, and my favourite food haha. Hope it helps a little and I hope she gets easier

Lalalalala555 · 27/04/2023 08:52

I think its important to explain what you are upset about and why, rather than expect her (or anyone) to know and realise.

Once you have talked with her, then see what happens. At this point, you haven't explained your issue to her, you are expecting her to just realise and mind read how you are feeling.
Yes it may feel obvious to you, but it may not for her.
Same goes with any issues really. If someone is upset about something its important to highlight it.

Hopefully, she will then realise that she is hurting you and care and you will see a change in behaviour.
I know as a teenager I probably did a lot of things that hurt my parents but without realising/meaning to. If my parents or anyone had ever said that I had been hurting them, I would really care.
It may also be the case that she's going through something and she could do with having a talk about that.

Teenagers are not adults.
They're getting used to having new hormones and being adult people and developing more mature ways of handling things. But they're not adults yet.

You are much more likely to work through this issue if you respect her by explaining your issue first. Rather than just punishing her because you're feeling hurt.

Sofiatheworst · 27/04/2023 09:00

Yes teenagers are hormonal but they also need to be taught how to respect others in order to become functioning adults. I would have a sit down “meeting” where it is explained clearly that, whilst it is ok to feel grumpy at times, it is not ok to be rude to others. I would then set out expectations, and what privileges will be gained for meeting the expectations. Things like wifi, phone etc are privileges - not a right!