Teenager refusing to come on holiday

[Hairbaby]

Hi I am a mum of 3. Oldest DS 18 this year. Me his dad and 2 younger siblings age 16,12 going on holiday this year. Spain for 10 days. We booked for just the four of us as oldest was working and couldn’t get time off but now he can so were going to add him in. He is point blank refusing to come ! He said it’s embarrassing going on holiday would rather go with his friends( was meant to be going but got stopped as can’t trust him. Long story) I feel so hurt that the boy I brought up in a loving and close family acting like this! I’m really upset as is his dad. He’s a totally different boy to the one I bring up. My mum will be house sitting anyway as we have the dog so she will be able to keep an eye on him. Is this normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well surely he has learnt the hard way and won't do it again.

Absolutely normal 18 year old behaviour. Mine isnt coming with us now he is 18 but is going away for a week with his mates. We doubt he'll come with us again until he settles down with a partner and family and then might want to come again. I don't take this personally and you shouldn't either.

Some 18 year olds don't want to go on holiday with their family. My DS initially said at 16 that it would be the last holiday he came on with me. However, he then realised it was a free all expenses paid holiday!

Your 18 year old is probably looking forward to a free house to invite his mates around!

It's hard to hear OP but when I was 18 I refused to go on holidays. I think it upset my sister more than my parents cause we went every year together but soon as I hit 18 I was like no thanks where as she got made to go as she was 15. Xx

Mine still come with us. Just been to Barcelona, Madrid and Bilbao. They are 17 and 19. 19 year old also goes on holidays with his mates and his girlfriend. He wants it all!! 😂We've got a trip around Germany planned before he starts his uni placement in July and also Krakow in October. Husband can't wait until they don't want to come anymore but don't see the signs yet.

Wish I'd thought of this at that age!

You didn’t give enough of a shit to reschedule your holiday to make sure he could come with you and now you’re surprised he doesn’t give enough of a shit to go now he can make it.

Besides he is 18. Probably super excited to have his own space and freedom for 10 days. Which you were seemingly fine with when he had to be at work.

Strange.

Now that you said about the seizure I get why you are so protective of him. A part of you just wants him where you can see him and makes sure he's OK. That's natural after getting such a fright!
If he's a bit of a naive lad easily influenced by others, then yes that's a consideration in leaving him in a 'free' house for 10 days. Would he not go for a few days at the end of the holiday. Sometimes it's a good time to get the kids chatting together when usually they might all be in separate rooms at home.

Totally normal behaviour. Sometimes our DS comes away with us, sometimes he doesn’t. Since he turned 16 and showed he could cope on his own (has some SEN), we have always given him the choice but he never goes anywhere else as his SEN means he has no friends.

DD has been holidaying with friends since she was 16 and when she lived at home we gave her the option of holidaying with us or not. She still comes with us sometimes but we often go on holiday near where she now lives anyway.

Bit taken aback by the consensus on here that mid/late teens never want to holiday with their families and that's always fine.

What do you all do with your mid-teens (say 16) who don't want to go? Do you just leave them at home? I definitely understand that it's fair enough for an adult to decide if they want to go on a holiday or not, but I sort of think it's fair enough to expect an under-18 to fit in with the family holiday, largely because I can't imagine leaving a 16-year-old in the house on their own for a week/fortnight. And I have a very competent 16-year-old.

In your position, OP, I'd definitely be feeling nervous after the recent experience, but I agree with the consensus on here that says trying to parent him by control isn't going to work at his age. I feel for you though.

My kids are all still happy to come with us at the moment - 14, 15, and 16. DH and I both love holidays and have always invested as much of our disposable income as we can in them. The 16-year-old is going on a couple of trips with friends this summer too.

What a load of bollocks! So you're saying you take no further responsibility for your children once they turn 18? Seriously? And you think OP is a poor parent. Mine are in their twenties now and I still give them advice & help them make good choices and that's fine. It's not controlling, it's called parenting.

I was 15 (maybe closer to 16) when my parents left me at home for the first time. They took my younger brother to visit family 200 miles away and left me for three nights. I was 17 when they first went on holiday abroad without me.

I was fine and I'm so introverted, it actually made no difference to me whether they were home or not as I was always in my bedroom anyway plus, my granny was a couple of miles away if I got into dire straits.

My brother, on the other hand, set fire to the grill when cooking sausages at 17 so it's definitely a decision to made on individual merit...

It's normal - not universal, but pretty standard. Personally I've always loved family holidays, even as a teen! That's just me, though. It's definitely not unusual for a teenager to be resisting against family stuff during these years.

I stopped going on holiday with my parents aged 16. Stayed at home to work whilst they were on holiday in a European holiday destination.

Treat your DS like the adult he is. He is 18.

Totally normal and no issue - they are 18 so can stay by themselves. However, just to say that one of mine went through the whole "I'm not coming with you because I don't have to blah blah blah" now in early twenties he seems up for every holiday we go on. Perhaps he found out how expensive it is when you're paying for it yourself!

I felt bad when my DC 18 didn't want to come with us. Came with a friend in the end who sulked all well. Great.

I remember being dragged on a family holiday aged 18, having avoided them for a few years. “Never again!” were my father’s words!

Save yourself the hassle and holiday with people who want to be there!

"The OP has not mentioned that he overdosed or that he nearly died. He had a seizure from taking ecstasy. He didn't go into respiratory arrest after ODing on heroine!

A very scary and unpleasant experience but there is no need to make things up."

Where have I made things up? If you have a bad reaction to a drug you've taken too much of it. I never mentioned heroin. The OP very much did say he nearly died. In fact she used the exact words and said that without the medical team he would not be here now. You're the one making stuff up @NerrSnerr

How odd.

To be as indignant as @NerrSnerr

But then not actually bother to have read the Op

he took an ecstasy had a seizure and nearly died.

You are lucky you got him to go at 16 and 17.

Perfectly normal and understandable. He's not a kid but not a full grown man either so all he cares about is booze, boobs and bumming around with his mates.

Don't take it to heart. He loves you but he can't relate to you and you aren't his idea of relaxation or fun. He is also one less person to try to please when you are away so enjoy yourself and bring him back a cock shaped bottle opener and some sangria.

NerrSnerr made the point that the OP did not say her son had taken an overdose. He had taken a single ecstasy tablet and suffered some kind of adverse reaction to it.

Where have I made things up? If you have a bad reaction to a drug you've taken too much of it.

This is simply not true. If you take an antidepressant and experience an disordered heart rhythm (or menstrual cycle irregularities, or excessive sweating, or urinary retention, or sleep disorders or any of the drug's other numerous adverse effects), that doesn't mean you've taken too much of it: it means you are one of the people who experience that adverse effect of the drug. All drugs cause adverse effects in some people. There are absolutely no exceptions to this. It doesn't mean they've taken an overdose.

@NoNotHimTheOtherOne

The poster specifically states that the OP did not say her son “nearly died”

when in fact she said precisely those words

An “overdose” would suggest that there is a “safe” dosage

when it comes to ecstasy there is no “safe” dosage so the very concept of an “overdose” is irrelevant.

a single tablet is an overdose.

How the body reacts to that “overdose” is key

OP even though he made a huge mistake recently you have to let him go. How long are you planning on keeping him around you in this way? Until he's 19? 20? 21? If he will be 18 at the time of the holiday you can't make him go.

The poster specifically states that the OP did not say her son “nearly died”

The poster specifically states "The OP has not mentioned that he overdosed or that he nearly died." She did say he nearly died, okay. She didn't say he overdosed. That's what I was disagreeing about.

An “overdose” would suggest that there is a “safe” dosage
when it comes to ecstasy there is no “safe” dosage so the very concept of an “overdose” is irrelevant.
a single tablet is an overdose.

There is no universally safe dose of any drug. There are doses at which the number of people gaining benefit (or, in the case of recreational drugs, a pleasurable effect) greatly exceeds the number experiencing adverse effects. But there isn't a dose of any drug that doesn't cause adverse effects in anyone. Well, not until you get down to homeopathic doses, anyway.

Thousands of people take MDMA (ecstasy) without suffering ill-effects. Just like thousands or millions take appropriately prescribed drugs without ill-effects. But in either case, some people will suffer ill-effects. This becomes much more likely if they take a very high dose (i.e. an overdose).

By your definition, any amount of alcohol, caffeine, cosmetic botox, etc., would be an overdose, regardless of whether it caused any ill-effects.