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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager refusing to come on holiday

231 replies

Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 08:40

Hi I am a mum of 3. Oldest DS 18 this year. Me his dad and 2 younger siblings age 16,12 going on holiday this year. Spain for 10 days. We booked for just the four of us as oldest was working and couldn’t get time off but now he can so were going to add him in. He is point blank refusing to come ! He said it’s embarrassing going on holiday would rather go with his friends( was meant to be going but got stopped as can’t trust him. Long story) I feel so hurt that the boy I brought up in a loving and close family acting like this! I’m really upset as is his dad. He’s a totally different boy to the one I bring up. My mum will be house sitting anyway as we have the dog so she will be able to keep an eye on him. Is this normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 20/04/2023 09:02

Totally normal. Teenagers instinctually move away from their parents and don't want to share spaces with them for too long.
They just feel too controlled, that's why they stay in their rooms all the time at that age. Or leave the house.
It's a part of growing up and becoming independent. You might be the the one with a bit of separation anxiety about that, not him.
You might get away with bringing him on a weekend city break or if he was allowed bring a friend in holiday and have his own room he might do that.
But don't go all boo hoo you don't love me anymore over it because that's not allowing him to grow up.

TheBugWife · 20/04/2023 09:06

My 18 year old has said he won't be coming on any more holidays with us, that's fine by me, will save thousands!

Of course it's sad when things change but the whole point of parenting is to produce independent adults and that means letting them grow up.

Original poster
Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 09:06

Hes not 18 yet. Reason I stopped him going away with his mates was a few weeks ago he took an ecstasy had a seizure and nearly died. If it wasn’t for the medical team where he was then he wouldn’t be here. So there is no way on earth I could trust him going on holiday. It’s my only option. He’s still a bit immature in ways and just follows the crowd. Just trying to guide him in the right direction. Could believe he could have been so stupid taking a pill. He comes from a good family with nothing to do with that sort of stuff and have always drilled it into the kids that drugs are bad. Just felt a bit hurt about not going with us but I feel a bit better now speaking out to you all !

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 09:07

I don’t blame him, he is an adult, much more fun going away with their friends.
Yr baby has grown up.

Original poster
Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 09:08

I try my best to not treat him like a child but he nearly died after taking an ecstasy a few weeks ago so the last place I’d want him to go would be Ibiza.

OP posts:
TheBugWife · 20/04/2023 09:09

Sadly most teens will experiment with drugs, most patents never find out about it and live in blissful ignorance.

Everyone knows drugs are bad but that adds to the appeal for teens.

Your son was incredibly unlucky to fall Ill and I am glad there was help on hand, I imagine it would have put him off doing it again anyway!

Netcam · 20/04/2023 09:11

Mine are 16 and 18 (boys) and are not interested in coming on holiday with us. We have talked about it, but there is such a disparity these days between what we would like to do and what they would like to do, that we've decided against it.

We did lots of great holidays in Europe when they were younger and I hope we will all remember those. So DH and I have organised our holiday when the boys are with their dad (my ex). And my ex has organised his holiday when they are with me, as they don't want to go on holiday with him either.

I have just accepted it is what it is and they say they are not really bothered about going away. The kind of holiday they like the idea of would cost a fortune for the 4 of us and I'm not sure it would be ideal anyway, as they probably wouldn't want to be out and about with us every day.

We are happy to do something cheap and simple in a caravan in the UK and it won't cost too much. They want something like a week in a nice hotel in New York with meals out every night. The increased cost of living is just not making that affordable for us right now!

DS1 will be off to uni soon and will be having an adventure. And DS2 will be taking up his place at an very exciting new 6th form. So when the GCSEs and A levels are over we're going to have fun sorting out and painting their bedrooms. They are going to swap so DS2 gets the bigger one since DS1 is going to be away much of the year. And we can do some day trips and have some nice meals.

mumonthehill · 20/04/2023 09:12

Honestly you cannot stop him going away with mates and at 18 totally normal not to want to go away with you. If he does go away best advice is to get the best travel insurance you can for him and let him go.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 20/04/2023 09:12

It’s normal and ours did the same, though they have recently suggested how nice it would be to have a family holiday again, but only if we pay!
We’ll probably look at something that fits everyone’s budget.

EllandRd · 20/04/2023 09:14

Agree with him, at 18 he should be partying on holiday away with his friends.

Franklin2000 · 20/04/2023 09:15

Sorry op, totally normal. My DS (18) didn’t say it was embarrassing but did say he’d rather use his time off and own money to go on a lads holiday. Why wouldn’t he? He’s 18 and legally an adult. He could go on holiday without your permission so your comments about stopping him are very unfair to him. You might just find you’re pushing him away more.

Lovelyring · 20/04/2023 09:15

From what I hear it's normal for older teens not to holiday with their family. Never understood it myself, I've always been thrilled to get a free holiday even when I was 18! Having said that, I did once pay for a solo break when I was 18 and my Dad asked if he could come and I said no. I regret that with hindsight.

Wouldn't he have learned his lesson about drugs after nearly dying?

Moopyhereagain · 20/04/2023 09:18

Can understand you are scared op given recent experience but unfortunately at this age that’s also pretty normal and nothing you can do to control or prevent happening again. Hopefully he had a massive scare and that will keep him away from drugs. Just keep talking to him but let him move on from this. The groundwork you have done as a parent will protect him to an extent but it’s all a bit of a lottery from here on.

GobbieMaggie · 20/04/2023 09:26

That's pretty normal for an 18 year old. I was 16 when I had my last holiday with my folks.

Time4achangeagain · 20/04/2023 09:29

Oh god OP, I really feel for you. The drugs thing is pretty bog standard in certain friendship groups unfortunately. What conversations have you had with him about what happened? I don’t mean ones where you bollock him, but ones where you listen to him about how he feels about it. Fucking terrifying all round

Justalittlebitduckling · 20/04/2023 09:29

Very normal. I was the same at 18.

NeatCompactSleeper · 20/04/2023 09:32

Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 09:08

I try my best to not treat him like a child but he nearly died after taking an ecstasy a few weeks ago so the last place I’d want him to go would be Ibiza.

This sounds really scary but if it didn't scare him enough not to do it again, he's going to do it anywhere and there's nothing you can do to stop him I'm afraid.

NerrSnerr · 20/04/2023 09:33

Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 09:08

I try my best to not treat him like a child but he nearly died after taking an ecstasy a few weeks ago so the last place I’d want him to go would be Ibiza.

He is going to be 18. As scary as it is he needs to negotiate life and holidays etc.

He could move out and you'll have no control over what he does.

EllandRd · 20/04/2023 09:34

I guarantee the more you stop him the more he will rebel and do it anyway. I understand why you are concerned, but I very much doubt it's the first drug he has tried. Going to Ibiza will not stop him taking ecstasy will it if he already used it? Drugs are readily available in this country as well. You probably don't even know half the stuff he gets up to.

Let him make his own mistakes before he rebels are you ruin the relationship you have with him.

NewNovember · 20/04/2023 09:35

Read the op !!!! A 17 year old. Hold was not allowed to go to Ibiza to take drugs not an adult on a mates holiday.

CrapBucket · 20/04/2023 09:37

Op what you have been through is terrifying and I’m glad he is ok now. I know that feeling of being unable to prevent your baby from making stupid choices. Big hugs to you.

VyeBrator · 20/04/2023 09:37

NewNovember · 20/04/2023 09:35

Read the op !!!! A 17 year old. Hold was not allowed to go to Ibiza to take drugs not an adult on a mates holiday.

He's almost 18 otherwise the OP would simply have said he's 17.

If he's going to take drugs, he's going to take them anywhere.

slimdown · 20/04/2023 09:45

18 is an adult, that was the first year I didn't go on holiday with my family (and my lovely mum gave me the money that she would have spent on me so I could go on holiday with my boyfriend instead!)

I'd be disappointed at 16, as I know some teens don't want to then but I know I was still keen for family holidays then and I hope mine are, but 18 is a very different age.

I'd be grateful for the savings (not decided if I would be as nice as my mum ha)

SirChenjins · 20/04/2023 09:45

18??1 You're being a bit unreasonable here - he's an adult, if he doesn't want to come with you that's his choice. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you all, it just means he'd rather do something else for those 10 days.

Catspyjamas17 · 20/04/2023 09:47

Fair enough. DD1 turns 18 this summer and is going on holiday with her friends. I left it up to her whether she'd also like to come on the family holiday and she does want to. But if she didn't that would have been fine too.