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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager refusing to come on holiday

231 replies

Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 08:40

Hi I am a mum of 3. Oldest DS 18 this year. Me his dad and 2 younger siblings age 16,12 going on holiday this year. Spain for 10 days. We booked for just the four of us as oldest was working and couldn’t get time off but now he can so were going to add him in. He is point blank refusing to come ! He said it’s embarrassing going on holiday would rather go with his friends( was meant to be going but got stopped as can’t trust him. Long story) I feel so hurt that the boy I brought up in a loving and close family acting like this! I’m really upset as is his dad. He’s a totally different boy to the one I bring up. My mum will be house sitting anyway as we have the dog so she will be able to keep an eye on him. Is this normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
LetsStartFromScratch · 20/04/2023 12:06

Would you trust him to stay at home whilst you're away?

My friend's son stayed at home whilst she went away. He had loads of mates round for the fortnight, the neighbours were angry, the house was trashed and the police were called!

Next time she went away for a weekend he stopped at his friend's house. She changed the alarm code on her house whilst she was away so that her son couldn't get in. She then changed it back when she got home.

So basically you have to think whether you'd let him stay at your house if he won't go with you!

Shodan · 20/04/2023 12:07

Gah. Posted too soon.

In your shoes, OP, I would be equally as unhappy. 17 (which he still is, although he is nearly 18) is not an adult, not yet, and he hasn't shown himself to be terribly mature. I certainly wouldn't think mine were mature enough to look after themselves on holiday abroad with friends when they can't even do it properly at home.

hay5689 · 20/04/2023 12:10

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 20/04/2023 12:01

If my kid nearly died from a drug overdose and was easily led I'd do everything I could to stop him going to Ibiza too! For as long as he'll do as he's told you carry on OP.

Finally someone fucking parenting their offspring.

Once he hits 18 it becomes controlling not parenting.

pikantna · 20/04/2023 12:10

I wouldn't be madly impressed but I wouldn't think I could force him to come either. This is very normal for his age group.

gingercat02 · 20/04/2023 12:11

Normal I stopped at 16

ShandyQuaffer · 20/04/2023 12:12

After what happened, I would feel just like you, op. But irrespective of the whole holiday Q, you are going to need to be able to trust him again and he needs to learn from what happened. Have you talked about it? It must have been really scary for him as well as for you.

The fact is that, once he reaches 18, you can't control what he does and, for all intents and purposes, you can't control it now. It might be better to find a way to feel more comfortable with him being out of your control, from talking to him and helping him make better risk judgements rather than trying to stop him doing X and make him do Y. Does he understand that you have said no to Ibiza because you are worried about his safety, not as a punishment? Can you try together to get to a place where you feel more comfortable with his approach to risk? Because honestly, ecstasy is in every town in the UK- not going to Ibiza isn't going to stop him taking it- and getting into an adversarial relationship with him about it isn't going to stop him taking risks.

StillWantingADog · 20/04/2023 12:18

Of course it‘s normal
i can understand the anxiety but at 18 you need to let him go. If he nearly died as awful as that is the upshot is surely he’s been put off drugs for life.

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 20/04/2023 12:21

"Once he hits 18 it becomes controlling not parenting"

Give over.

Anyway, the lads 17 so she's done the right thing hasn't she?

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 20/04/2023 12:21

I had my last family holiday aged 14, after that there were none and I was busy with friends! It’s not a sign of not being a close family. Just growing up!

malificent7 · 20/04/2023 12:25

Who wants to go on holiday with parents at 18 unless it's somewhere amazing?! I started holidaying with friends at 16.

JusthereforXmas · 20/04/2023 12:31

By 18 I don't know anyone who went on family holidays anymore. Not because of embarrassment though but because we where grown and had commitments (moved out, uni, kids, jobs etc...) or weren't invited (its expensive to add another adult and me & my circle aren't very rich).

At 18 I probably would have gone if invited as my life wasn't that super serious yet (boyfriend, on a gap year from education and lived in a house share with friends etc...) but just a year later at 19 also those things had escalated greatly and I had a live in partner, our own house (so all bills and rent solely on us) and baby on the way etc... so I wouldn't have.

My oldest is a teen and my younger too are babies so I do wonder how it will work down the line, like I would love to take them ALL to somewhere live Disneyland in future but fully accept by the time youngest are old enough oldest might not be interested and it would be a huge cost too.

Oldest didn't 'miss out' though as he had a decade of these great holidays before his siblings came along, the youngers should get to experiance those things at least once as well regardless of if its suitible for our (by then) adult son.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 20/04/2023 12:33

100% normal of him and a good sign that he's got friends and wants to do things with them. Let the lad grow up and respect his choices!

Hellybelly84 · 20/04/2023 12:35

Very normal - my brother stopped at 16, I stopped at 18. Hence why I enjoy every second of holidays with younger kids now as I know the years are very limited (unless we can persuade them!). I think you’ve done well if hes come on holiday with you until 18 and thats usually the age they want a holiday abroad with friends after A Levels.

Silvers11 · 20/04/2023 12:36

No it's not normal - your behaviour and thoughts are unbelievable and definitely not normal

He's 18 - legally an adult and you stopped him from going away on holiday with his Mates because he couldn't be trusted. he is NOT a child and trying to punish him for whatever he did is unreal. Doesn't matter what he did or didn't do it should have been discussed with him - but trying to Punish an 18 year old? Wow!! Poor Lad.

And I'll bet you still want your Mother to house sit? As in, actually be there all the time, watching the dog, rather than just popping in occasionally to see that the house and your son plus the dog are ok. I'm sure your son could watch the dog?

It IS normal for an 18 year old not to necessarily want to go on holiday with their family any more

Silvers11 · 20/04/2023 12:39

Sorry @Hairbaby - I've read your further posts now - so please ignore my post

Hbh17 · 20/04/2023 12:40

He's 18 - he's an adult. Any self -respecting 18 year old would probably prefer to chop off their own arm than go on holiday with their parents and younger siblings. Weren't you ever 18? Just leave the poor chap alone and let him organise his own holiday, if he wants one.

JusthereforXmas · 20/04/2023 12:42

Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 09:08

I try my best to not treat him like a child but he nearly died after taking an ecstasy a few weeks ago so the last place I’d want him to go would be Ibiza.

To be fair I have been to Ibiza 3 times and never had a 'party experience' (certainly not into that), it really depends on when you go I think. We would go in May (off season) and it was just a lovely warm calm quiet beach location.

I was weary before going because Ibiza has a reputation but it was NOTHING like I expected at all.

There was no drugs that I or my friends encountered when there (everything was really calm and tame even at the 'foam party' we went to at the zoo which once again I was weary of but it was tame and quite boring actually) but I will say watch the alcohol. They dont seem to have measured pours so a gin & tonic might very well be 3/4th gin to 1/4th tonic and come in a full pint glass lol.

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 20/04/2023 12:43

"He's 18 - legally an adult and you stopped him from going away on holiday with his Mates because he couldn't be trusted. he is NOT a child and trying to punish him for whatever he did is unreal. Doesn't matter what he did or didn't do it should have been discussed with him - but trying to Punish an 18 year old? Wow!! Poor Lad."

He's 17 and recently nearly died from a drugs overdose. She's doing what she can to stop him ending up fucking dead.

NerrSnerr · 20/04/2023 12:50

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 20/04/2023 12:43

"He's 18 - legally an adult and you stopped him from going away on holiday with his Mates because he couldn't be trusted. he is NOT a child and trying to punish him for whatever he did is unreal. Doesn't matter what he did or didn't do it should have been discussed with him - but trying to Punish an 18 year old? Wow!! Poor Lad."

He's 17 and recently nearly died from a drugs overdose. She's doing what she can to stop him ending up fucking dead.

The OP has not mentioned that he overdosed or that he nearly died. He had a seizure from taking ecstasy. He didn't go into respiratory arrest after ODing on heroine!

A very scary and unpleasant experience but there is no need to make things up.

Hellno45 · 20/04/2023 12:53

He's 18. He's an adult. He will make mistakes. He took E and nearly died so I don't imagine he'll be doing that again. Instead of saying no to drugs I might be better to discuss the risks and side effects so he can make better informed decisions. I think experimenting with drugs, sex and being generally irresponsible is normal teenage behaviour I know I did it. You can't actually stop him doing anything. If you don't trust him then his choice are come with or stay with nanny.

Catspyjamas17 · 20/04/2023 12:53

I don't think it's terribly unusual to still go on holidays with parents as an adult. My DM is 83 and I'm 47 and we go away for a few days on our own to a nice spa hotel, have a massage, nice food and a glass of whisky.

It wasn't until I moved out after university and started living with DH in my 20s that I stopped going on holiday with my mum and dad - and indeed my grandfather who lived with us. We've been away loads with PIL, both before and after we had kids. And we used to go and stay with my M&D for a holiday as they lived in a lovely seaside place after they retired.

My colleague was saying he was hoping to take his wife away for a romantic trip to New York but their grown up daughters in their 20s came too and it became a family trip!

Teenagers/young adults can be more awkward be we always include them in what we are deciding to do for a holiday so that their needs can be accommodated. My two are quite easy and just like being able to sunbathe by a pool and read a book. They are old enough now that they can stay behind at the hotel or split up and do their own thing. Or I send them off shopping while DH and I go for a walk.

Taptap2 · 20/04/2023 12:55

I wouldn’t let him stay at home alone after what happened I would make him come on holiday.

lifeisabalance · 20/04/2023 12:57

Really normal!!

There's no way I would have gone on holiday with my parents at 18 and no way I would expect my son to - I've accepted that this year will be my ds last holiday with us (he's 17). Short European trips, maybe at 18. A hotel holiday abroad - no way!

goodkidsmaadhouse · 20/04/2023 12:57

I can see why you feel the way you do OP.

I don't think going on family holidays at 18 is that weird tbh! I went on holiday with friends as well but I wasn't about to turn down a free holiday! I went on my last family holiday with my Dad when I was 20 I think and I'm glad I did as he died a couple of years later. DH and I got together when we were 19 and we went on family holidays with his family for a few years after that, though maybe that's different as we had each other.

Hoppingmad231 · 20/04/2023 12:59

Off course he is a totally different boy now that's because he is an 18 year old adult, let him go on holiday with his mates. One day he will move out and probably have very little contact with you if you keep trying to control him!!