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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager refusing to come on holiday

231 replies

Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 08:40

Hi I am a mum of 3. Oldest DS 18 this year. Me his dad and 2 younger siblings age 16,12 going on holiday this year. Spain for 10 days. We booked for just the four of us as oldest was working and couldn’t get time off but now he can so were going to add him in. He is point blank refusing to come ! He said it’s embarrassing going on holiday would rather go with his friends( was meant to be going but got stopped as can’t trust him. Long story) I feel so hurt that the boy I brought up in a loving and close family acting like this! I’m really upset as is his dad. He’s a totally different boy to the one I bring up. My mum will be house sitting anyway as we have the dog so she will be able to keep an eye on him. Is this normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

ArabeIIaScott · 20/04/2023 10:32

He's an adult, OP. Normally adults are allowed to choose where they go on holiday and who with.

DarkDarkNight · 20/04/2023 10:34

Honestly it’s very normal. He is spreading his wings. It’s an awkward time, not a child but not quite fully independent. I can see how he would feel like a child going on holiday with his parents when a lot of people his age are going on trips with friends.

Leave him at home if that’s what he wants. It’s his loss, but don’t take it personally.

ArabeIIaScott · 20/04/2023 10:34

Ah, I just read your updates. Sorry to hear that, it must have been terrifying for you. I can understand your concern and worry.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? At this age, you can't really order or force him to do much. But you can work on a strong relationship with him.

Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 10:35

Personally I wouldn’t even consider going on holiday if he took ecstasy and almost died so very recently.

) I feel so hurt that the boy I brought up in a loving and close family acting like this!

Did you feel like that when he almost died a few weeks ago due to taking ecstasy?

diflasu · 20/04/2023 10:35

Well least you offered - I was told I wasn't coming at 18. I stayed in the house and worked summer job but wasn't given the choice..

DH went on holiday with his parents well into his 20s - they didn't really do children holidays past 8 - they left him at cub and scout camps and went aboard - started taking him again as a older teen.

I can understand with recent events why you want him in sight and perhaps have some fun with him as a family - but other than talk to him about how you feel and why you want him there I'm not sure you can do much.

pilates · 20/04/2023 10:36

I can understand your fear but he is nearly an adult and you will not be able to stop him. Do you think the near death experience may make a difference regarding experimenting with drugs?

Dibbydoos · 20/04/2023 10:38

He's 18yo. He's trying to find his way. Yes leave him at home.

It is funny though, my 21yo and 20yo still want to go holiday with me - possibly cos I'm now widowed, though...

LlynTegid · 20/04/2023 10:38

Reasonable to stop him going on holiday with friends, but I would not expect him to want to come on holiday with you (unless to visit relatives or family friends abroad).

Lcb123 · 20/04/2023 10:39

Very normal. Not sure how you can stop him going on holiday with his friends, assuming he’s paying for it

Greyarea12 · 20/04/2023 10:39

I totally understand your worry but the more you stop him, the more he will rebel & go wild and want to 'make up for lost time'. I personally think your better off sitting down with him, asking him if he's learned anything, telling or showing him a few horror drug stories (news articles/tv documentary), telling him all the usual - you don't know what's in it, it might not even cause death but serious injury such as brain injuries etc and then letting him know he is responsible for his own choices and the consequences.of any bad choices and then leaving him be to find his way in the world with abit of advice & guidance. The last thing you want is for him to pack up, ship.out & go wild.

FairyUpLiquid · 20/04/2023 10:39

savoycabbage · 20/04/2023 08:52

Is this normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

No. It's not normal for a parent to stop an eighteen year old from going on holiday with his friends.

This. YABVU.

loislovesstewie · 20/04/2023 10:40

Nothing to worry about! It would, IMHO, be worse if you had a child who didn't want to live their own life. Didn't have things to do without you, accompanied you everywhere, and had no idea of how to be independent. Let them be!

Chewbecca · 20/04/2023 10:43

DS chose not to come with us when he was 18. However, at 19 he decided he wanted to come that year, must have missed holidaying with us 😁 🤷‍♀️

winelove · 20/04/2023 10:43

Of course he will prefer to go with his mates, perfectly normal at that age.
Don't worry, they come back round in a few years.
We have a holiday booked and both kids are coming with us, mind you they are in their 30's one with a family of their own.
It was about mid 20's they started saying yes again, especially if we were paying!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 10:44

Is he going to university, OP? I ask because, if he is, you’ll need to get used to not knowing where I’m he is or what he’s doing. I get that it’s scary given what happened with the drugs, but unless you’re planning on trying to enforce curfews and attempting to tell him where he can and can’t go, you simply have to find a way to cope. Every child grows up.

I didn’t go away with my parents when I hit 18. My mother did a similar “So you’re saying you’re just never coming away with us again, EVER?!” routine and guilt-tripped me for weeks. I get now that she was just adjusting to the fact that I was about to leave home, but it wasn’t very nice to be made to feel like I was ruining everyone else’s holiday because I wanted a life of my own. Between her and my grandmothers, who acted like I was an abandoned orphan (despite both having been married with children by 20), I honestly wondered if it wasn’t just worth sucking it up and going. I’m glad I didn’t get manipulated. Do you want your son to feel like that?

Also, and I don’t mean this to be unkind, you were perfectly prepared to go on holiday without him when you thought he couldn’t go rather than wouldn’t go. If you were that desperate for a family holiday with him, you would have tried to rework the dates rather than booking anyway.

SharpLily · 20/04/2023 10:47

"He comes from a good family with nothing to do with that sort of stuff"

😶

I come from a 'good family' and I loved trying drugs as a teenager. I consider my own to be a 'good family' - my children are receiving an excellent education, I work hard teaching them good manners and how to be good people, they live in a big house and speak with 'naice' accents. I'm pretty sure they will experiment with drugs in their teens because that's what teenagers do... OK he clearly had a bad experience and has hopefully learned from it but getting all Hyacinth Bucket about it isn't going to help matters.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 10:48

NewNovember · 20/04/2023 09:35

Read the op !!!! A 17 year old. Hold was not allowed to go to Ibiza to take drugs not an adult on a mates holiday.

We did read the OP. Unfortunately the two most important pieces of information were left out.

milafawny · 20/04/2023 10:52

Hes 18! an adult able to make his own choices. My 19 year old hasnt been on our family holiday for the past 2 years, his choice entirely. Let them decide for themselves.

EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 10:53

I didn’t go from 16. Didn’t fancy it. Sounds normal to me.

milafawny · 20/04/2023 10:54

Having seen the updates, regardless at 18 you cannot stop him going to Ibiza with his mates, you have to just trust he will make better choices having seen the possibilities. But you cant stop an 18 year old going on a mates trip abroad, he old enough to make his own decisions and mistakes.

Kennykenkencat · 20/04/2023 10:57

Hairbaby · 20/04/2023 09:06

Hes not 18 yet. Reason I stopped him going away with his mates was a few weeks ago he took an ecstasy had a seizure and nearly died. If it wasn’t for the medical team where he was then he wouldn’t be here. So there is no way on earth I could trust him going on holiday. It’s my only option. He’s still a bit immature in ways and just follows the crowd. Just trying to guide him in the right direction. Could believe he could have been so stupid taking a pill. He comes from a good family with nothing to do with that sort of stuff and have always drilled it into the kids that drugs are bad. Just felt a bit hurt about not going with us but I feel a bit better now speaking out to you all !

Tbh I don’t believe that coming from a good family is some sort of magical protection against your child doing drugs.

Know loads of teens from “good” families who take drugs at parties and when our with their friends
Their parents all think their ds or Dd doesn’t do that sort of thing.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 20/04/2023 10:58

He’s an adult! Leave him to it. I’m not sure how you can stop him from going with his friends either TBH.

samsmum2 · 20/04/2023 10:59

I really feel for you OP, and some of these responses lack any compassion. MN seem to consider 18 a fully formed mature adult which is of course absolutely not the case. It is hard when they stop coming on holiday with you, I remember feeling sad when my 2 stopped, but I guess you have to embrace their growing up and encourage them to make sensible choices. The drugs thing has made it doubly hard for you and your fear is very understandable. Hopefully he's learned a lesson from it and won't repeat it.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 20/04/2023 11:03

It may be that he's safer now having had such a scare, we had one in our family and to my knowledge everyone is less keen, not more keen, to use drugs as a consequence.

Just for the info, at 16 children in the UK can travel independently and not need parental permission. Legally I mean. This is not the case in all of Europe, but it is here. So, technically you cannot prevent your 16 year old going places, although obviously you can discourage them or stop them by softer means!

I found this out as my 16 was going to travel without my permission and we found she didn't need it!

JazbayGrapes · 20/04/2023 11:03

So don't take him and save your money.

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