Teenager refusing to come on holiday

[Hairbaby]

Hi I am a mum of 3. Oldest DS 18 this year. Me his dad and 2 younger siblings age 16,12 going on holiday this year. Spain for 10 days. We booked for just the four of us as oldest was working and couldn’t get time off but now he can so were going to add him in. He is point blank refusing to come ! He said it’s embarrassing going on holiday would rather go with his friends( was meant to be going but got stopped as can’t trust him. Long story) I feel so hurt that the boy I brought up in a loving and close family acting like this! I’m really upset as is his dad. He’s a totally different boy to the one I bring up. My mum will be house sitting anyway as we have the dog so she will be able to keep an eye on him. Is this normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

I understand your concern having read the follow up posts. Is there someone who could keep an eye on him or look in on him?

Super normal OP. I can understand why you aren't letting him go away with friends, but I stopped going on holiday with my parents at 16.

My DC don't want to come with us now at 15 and 13.

I am pleased my 18+ year old children want to holiday with friends and have their own interests and idea of a holiday. This is a Good Thing and part of being an adult. You should respect his wishes, probably encourage him to go on holiday with friends.

The ecstasy tablet and not 18yo yet are quite a back story and change the dynamics. You have to loosen the apron strings but you don't have to fund his lifestyle choices if you don't agree with them - I doubt he would be able to afford a holiday with mates at 18yo without help paying anyway. My dc is the same age and my job is to guide (and pay, apparently) but not dictate.

I know you're scared but you can't make him go with you (and he'd make the holiday a misery) and how will you prevent him going away with friends?

You stopped him from going on holiday? How did you stop him? He’s way to old for you to be holding this much control over his life - I wouldn’t go on holiday with you if I were him either.

YBVU

My family are a bit abnormal as we went on holiday together right through teens and into early twenties- as a result, I anticipate I will be equally hurt when my currently toddler daughter decides we aren’t cool enough to holiday with 15 years from now!

I get the impression it’s very common though. My husband always holidayed with his parents, but his older brother refused around the same age. He changed his tune a few years later and now is the one spearheading the family holidays. He also talks with much regret about the few he missed! I think with most kids you have to accept it and hope they circle back.

It depends on your family dynamics i guess. I took my 14 years old DS to Berlin where we met my DD22. But a city break is different to a beach holiday so much easier to find activities we all wanted to do.

The same DD went interrailing on her own the week after she turned 18, thanks to still being in the EU and a recipient of the interrail lottery they do for 18 year olds. Free train tickets are à wonderful thing and im sad for the British teens who won’t qualify anymore due to Brexit.

Edit: I have just read your follow up post.

The challenge you have is that won't and cannot control his life indefinitely. At 16/17/18 they have the right and opportunity to make hugely life changing decisions and actions. Drink / drugs / sex / etc are part of this.

I would still maintain that the best you can do is work with him and be there for him - but you cannot control, and at 18 he is responsible.

I say that as a parent who has waved off two sons for a few long (6 week+) holidays with friends, and to university and college, where I have very little real idea of what they are up to unless they open up and want to discuss. We have a great relationship and so they do tell me about excess alcohol incidents, who in their houses is taking drugs. They have dealt with some real issues, from an incident in one house involving police for unwanted sexual advances, to having to help stranded, drunk friends on the other side of Europe.

It is real life, and if I reflect back something that many of us deal with as we leave home and become that independent adult.

If he wasn't meant to be going because he was working, I assume you were okay with him staying at home then? The drugs part isn't great but he could still easily see his mates wherever you live.

He's nearly 18 (which is an adult). You can't force him to go on family holidays.
He's making his own money and wants to do his own thing. I was holidaying without family at that age.

Sorry Op, I missed your post about the seizure. That does put a different complexion on things . However, might it’ have been such a trauma that he will be abstinent from now on?

Why are you so upset, he wasn’t going in the first place and he’s 18 not 8! I had my last family holiday at 16, after that I didn’t want to go with my parents anymore. It wasn’t a big (or even a small) deal. 🤷‍♀️

I get that you've had a horrible shock, but after that, I imagine he's not going to go near drugs again.

My kids came on some holidays with us and stayed behind at other times, from about 15 ( though at 15 that DD stayed with relatives and went on their short break holiday with them). It's normal. Both my kids are now adults and choose to arrange little family holidays to which they invite me, so it's really nothing personal when they decide they want space or holidays with their friends.

Your attitude to him doing that now will affect whether he chooses to do things with you as an adult. So loosen the reins, and he's more likely to want to be with you in the future.

Sorry OP I didn’t see the seizure bit. Unfortunately though you can’t watch I over him every second of the day so even if he went with you it doesn’t cancel out future worries.

It is fairly normal not to want to go on family holidays. Although I absolutely see why you'd want to keep him close after the ecstasy incident. Is your DM going to be able to cope with him whilst you're away? I'm not sure it's fair to put her in that position unless she's just checking in and not expected to control him.

My two eldest aren't coming this year or last, simply because they have other things going on and refused to commit.

They both said they could commit a week before🙄but of course that isn't feasible.

The younger two teens are more than happy.

My boys are doing several holidays with friends but are open to freebies IF they suit them.

I'm so sorry OP, you must have gotten a terrible fright and be so disappointed.

Drugs are EVERYWHERE but not all teens and 20 + take them.

Many don't.

There is a huge amount of weed and coke in University but lots of students have a great Uni experience without bothering with them, and stick to a few pints!

My then 18 year old refused to come on our California road trip holiday. I was heart broken at the time but had fun with the rest of the family.

He now, at 25, fully admits that he was an entitled arsehole and he deeply regrets not coming. It will be a long time before he will be able to afford such a trip.

Funnily enough he is open to coming with us for a week this year and has joined us for weekends away. They grow up and discover that their parents aren’t so bad after all.
open to coming away with us this year for a week

That must have been very scary OP, but hopefully he'll have learnt his lesson and avoid drugs. They're everywhere that teens go and you can't wrap him up in cotton wool, the vast majority of teens try something at some point.

Why would you stop him going with friends? It's his first bit of independence. I never wanted to go on family holidays at that age. He will be paying for it himself. I went on holiday with a friend at 19. Moved in with my ex partner at 20.

I'd be more worried about an 18 year old who did want to go on holiday with his parents to be honest, he would have to be something of a late developer.

That must have been really frightening for you. I understand why you've reacted the way you have, but think about this logically...

Teenagers are risk takers, they are idiots and they do fucking stupid things. HOPEFULLY your DS has been scared into not doing that again, he is probably far less likely to take another E than the next person now. But If he is going to experiment with drugs, he can do that anywhere. He is just as likely to do it at a party up the road as on holiday.

I think your reasoning is two-fold:

1. You've had a scare and naturally want to keep him close
2. You are hurt. You are sad that your DS doesn't want to join you, but this is NOT a reflection of how he feels about his family, it is a normal, age-appropriate reaction to growing up. Of course he wants to be with his mates.

Are both holidays feasible? Could you let him go with his mates but ask him to join you all for a week - or a long weekend - in Spain?

Try to take your emotions out of the equation if you can OP.

My brother and I must have been strange teenagers then as neither of us ever refused a free holiday we just ended up going away with our parents and then also having holidays with our friends later in the summer 😂 I think I was in my early twenties the last time I went on holiday with my mum and dad, and in my mid twenties my brother and I went to Japan together by ourselves.

Blimey! I wouldn't have wanted to go on holiday with my parents when I was 18 (or 16), either.

What on earth? At eighteen my dad paid for us all to go on a three week trip to Hawaii. There's no way on earth I would have turned that down. Also, I love spending time with my parents. It didn't mean I didn't want to hang out with my friends too. The two things aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to reject all contact with your family just because you turn eighteen. I don't think it makes you any less mature.

I would not be surprised that he is massively rebelling against you OP

if you are not careful, you will push him more and more away. And quite possibly in to even more dangerous behaviour