18 yr old son made supid comment in group caht with serious consequences

helgarr · 2023-03-10T21:03:17+00:00

My son has got involved in a group chat where he went to defend his friend but said something stupid to the girl involved related to a footballer which had horrible misogynistic connotations. Understandably his school have taken it seriously and he now likely to have serious sanctions at school and possible police action if the girl's parents take it further. He seriously regerets what he said and is really worried about his future. He does have aspergers tendencies and finds relectinig on his actions difficult. Does anyone have any advice on what may happen if the police are involved or he gets expelled from school.

PennyRa · 10/03/2023 21:09

Was it said as a threat?

MiniDinosaur · 10/03/2023 21:10

My (younger) DS did similar. I suggest that he pens a reflective and genuine written apology to the girl, and that he takes full responsibility for his actions in his conversations with school. It blew over for my DS but he took a hard life lesson from it.

CollieFIower · 10/03/2023 21:11

What are "Asperger's tendencies"? Does he have an autism diagnosis?

DojaPhat · 10/03/2023 21:17

Have you seen the chat? Is he the only person facing consequences? Were his remarks so terrible as to have changed the tone of the entire group chat?

I think more context is needed before agreeing that he said something so serious as to potentially warrant police action.

isitanywondernow · 10/03/2023 21:25

If there's possible police action then he's obviously done something more serious than make a stupid comment.

Why don't you tell us what he said/did?

isitanywondernow · 10/03/2023 21:29

"He does have aspergers tendencies and finds relectinig on his actions difficult."

Is this your way of saying he doesn't think he has done anything wrong?

Asperger's is an outdated term, by the way.

He's 18 years old. An adult. Maybe he should face the consequences of his actions.

Hercisback · 10/03/2023 21:34

I'd start by getting him to apologise.

Is it a state sixth form?

You can argue his case to be allowed to sit the exams at sixth form and continue to study at home in preparation.

I can't see what he could have said that would be so offensive he won't apologise yet needs the police.

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 21:35

Obviously I don’t know what was said but if he’s not been in trouble for a similar thing before and he just made an offensive comment, then I doubt he’s going to get into much trouble.

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/03/2023 21:40

Honestly, it sounds like you're making excuses for him.
You need to seek advice from someone who can know all of the facts but I think an apology would be a good start.

Thepossibility · 10/03/2023 21:41

Has he apologized or is he only worried about the consequences for himself?

unclebuck · 10/03/2023 21:53

What did he say? He is an adult and even with a diagnosis of ASD he is responsible for his actions. You need to get proper legal advice imo and arrange therapy for him that will address the issues he has: impulsiveness, misogyny and a lack of empathy - this will show contrition if it goes further and prevent a reoccurrence of his awful behaviour.

QuillBill · 10/03/2023 21:59

got involved in a group chat

defend his friend

something stupid

parents take it further

worried about his future

aspergers tendencies

All of these phrases are minimising what happened or blaming others. I'd start by encouraging him to take some ownership of whatever he did. He's an adult now. We all make mistakes and do things we regret later.

Scottishknitter · 10/03/2023 22:13

QuillBill · 10/03/2023 21:59

got involved in a group chat

defend his friend

something stupid

parents take it further

worried about his future

aspergers tendencies

All of these phrases are minimising what happened or blaming others. I'd start by encouraging him to take some ownership of whatever he did. He's an adult now. We all make mistakes and do things we regret later.

This is great advice. A lot of grown ups could learn from this too.

Barnstormaway787 · 10/03/2023 22:16

I obviously don’t know what was said but as the op has come on here for parental advice not public castigation::

~ he may be legally an adult at 18 but his
pre-frontal cortex won’t be fully formed at this age which will make him prone to impulsivity

~ ASD (as it is now) will make him more likely to be easily lead by others and he won’t fully understand the impact of his words on others

So it’s reasonable that both his age and his ASD should be taken in to account when disciplinary measures are meted out.

Op, as a pp said, I would check out his role carefully in relation to others in the group
and if he hasn’t been in trouble before, and genuinely now sees the error of his ways, then he would do well to write a sincere detailed letter of apology to the girl involved, written out in long hand, giving reasons as to why he was wrong, and passed via the head teacher to the girl’s parents. And keep a copy for yourself.

You may need to seek the help of a lawyer if police become involved, so get a recommendation for someone who deals with educational matters in your area.

And ignore any hostile comments on here.
You are under no obligation to broadcast what your son said. At one time you could come on Mumsnet and acknowledge a fault in yourself or one of your dc, and not be flamed but those days are very sadly gone and responses are less measured.

TheHouseElf · 10/03/2023 22:23

Barnstormaway787 · 10/03/2023 22:16

I obviously don’t know what was said but as the op has come on here for parental advice not public castigation::

~ he may be legally an adult at 18 but his
pre-frontal cortex won’t be fully formed at this age which will make him prone to impulsivity

~ ASD (as it is now) will make him more likely to be easily lead by others and he won’t fully understand the impact of his words on others

So it’s reasonable that both his age and his ASD should be taken in to account when disciplinary measures are meted out.

Op, as a pp said, I would check out his role carefully in relation to others in the group
and if he hasn’t been in trouble before, and genuinely now sees the error of his ways, then he would do well to write a sincere detailed letter of apology to the girl involved, written out in long hand, giving reasons as to why he was wrong, and passed via the head teacher to the girl’s parents. And keep a copy for yourself.

You may need to seek the help of a lawyer if police become involved, so get a recommendation for someone who deals with educational matters in your area.

And ignore any hostile comments on here.
You are under no obligation to broadcast what your son said. At one time you could come on Mumsnet and acknowledge a fault in yourself or one of your dc, and not be flamed but those days are very sadly gone and responses are less measured.

Just to add to this that ASD children are often less mature than their peers, sometimes by a few years, so this also needs to be taken into account,

MichelleScarn · 10/03/2023 22:23

If its anything related to a recent footballer and rape charges/sexual assault being dropped because 'she'd wanted it before' l can understand the upset.
Can't really imagine what else would be so serious.

moonpixel · 10/03/2023 22:24

He does have aspergers tendencies

If he isn't autistic this is an awful thing to say.

If he is autistic this is still an awful thing to say.

Not because of the Asperger's, I don't care what people call themselves, if diagnosed, but be due of the flippant way you have used it.

Notimeforaname · 10/03/2023 22:24

You dont get in trouble like that for just a comment. Must have been a threat. He'll have to deal with the consequences to fully learn his lesson.

HotPenguin · 10/03/2023 22:25

"related to a footballer" makes me think it was a reference to rape, in which case yes, I imagine it would be taken very seriously. I may have the wrong end of the stick entirely.

isitanywondernow · 10/03/2023 22:25

Barnstormaway787 · 10/03/2023 22:16

I obviously don’t know what was said but as the op has come on here for parental advice not public castigation::

~ he may be legally an adult at 18 but his
pre-frontal cortex won’t be fully formed at this age which will make him prone to impulsivity

~ ASD (as it is now) will make him more likely to be easily lead by others and he won’t fully understand the impact of his words on others

So it’s reasonable that both his age and his ASD should be taken in to account when disciplinary measures are meted out.

Op, as a pp said, I would check out his role carefully in relation to others in the group
and if he hasn’t been in trouble before, and genuinely now sees the error of his ways, then he would do well to write a sincere detailed letter of apology to the girl involved, written out in long hand, giving reasons as to why he was wrong, and passed via the head teacher to the girl’s parents. And keep a copy for yourself.

You may need to seek the help of a lawyer if police become involved, so get a recommendation for someone who deals with educational matters in your area.

And ignore any hostile comments on here.
You are under no obligation to broadcast what your son said. At one time you could come on Mumsnet and acknowledge a fault in yourself or one of your dc, and not be flamed but those days are very sadly gone and responses are less measured.

ASD is also an outdated term as it implies as disorder as opposed to a way of being.

ASC - Autism Spectrum Condition is more relevant.

Considering the OP said her son has "Asperger's tendencies" I doubt he has any diagnosis but if she returns to the thread and explains what has actually happened then I'm sure we can all give the parental advice she's asked us for (mine would be - stop minimising and encourage your adult child to take responsibility, FWIW).

FurCoatNoNickers · 10/03/2023 22:25

ASD tendencies!!! ( huge eye roll) Utterly sick of this being bandied about to excuse / explain behaviour. So unfair to autistic people. Perhaps your son has got misogynistic 'tendencies'?? Or bullying 'tendencies'?

YellowDots · 10/03/2023 22:28

If he is prone to being impulsive and is easily led like @Barnstormaway787 says then perhaps he should have his phone taken away like a young teen would. He can't be let loose to do things to others that he can't stop himself doing.

I wonder how old the girl is if it's in her parents hands if it's 'taken further'.

Notimeforaname · 10/03/2023 22:28

ASD is also an outdated term as it implies as disorder as opposed to a way of being.

ASC - Autism Spectrum Condition is more relevant.

Last week I went to a huge training event for working with children with ASD. Strange they didn't know their term was outdated since they were teaching us all about it...

isitanywondernow · 10/03/2023 22:28

"~ ASD (as it is now) will make him more likely to be easily lead by others and he won’t fully understand the impact of his words on others"

This is so ableist I don't actually have the words for it.

There is no ONE way of being, when you have an autism spectrum condition. How dare you state that people with ASC "won't fully understand the impact of their words on others" as if that is a given and a foregone conclusion?

Spectrum conditions are just that.

MichelleScarn · 10/03/2023 22:28

Agree @FurCoatNoNickers so annoying and dismissive of the struggle that people can have. also reignites the uneducated belief of some that bad/inappropriate behaviour is due to autism.