18 yr old son made supid comment in group caht with serious consequences

[helgarr]

My son has got involved in a group chat where he went to defend his friend but said something stupid to the girl involved related to a footballer which had horrible misogynistic connotations. Understandably his school have taken it seriously and he now likely to have serious sanctions at school and possible police action if the girl's parents take it further. He seriously regerets what he said and is really worried about his future. He does have aspergers tendencies and finds relectinig on his actions difficult. Does anyone have any advice on what may happen if the police are involved or he gets expelled from school.

If he threatened that girl with rape or similar -‘which really is the only reason police would be involved, a threat- then you should stop making excuses for him.
think about what it would be like to be the girl.
or you if a colleague made similar comments.
she deserved to feel safe at school.

He does have aspergers tendencies

Does he have a diagnosis of autism?

‘If the message was sent outside school can you argue it’s not their concern.’

I have experience of this - of course schools are concerned and will take action. Or perhaps the OP would prefer they didn’t and forced the parents to go to the police for help???
it’s like saying schools don’t care about the safeguarding of their pupils outside school.

What a childish, overblown reaction to that poster

Prisons are full of lovely people who just "screwed up", then?

OP, your prejudice against neurodiverse people is disgusting.

Your adult son isn't aspergers, he's just a misogynist.

neurodiversity and being an arsehole are nothing to do with each other.

Given the OP has disappeared..

If you think he may have Asperger's then getting him a diagnosis is important. I would get that done asap. Also agree with others about writing a genuine apology letter to the girl.

Sounds like what he said was threatening.
Footballer related? So possibly a threat of sexual violence?

If that's what he did then yes, he'll possibly be expelled.

His (possible? Armchair diagnosed?) 'aspergers' is not a get out of jail free card. My sons both have autism. Diagnosed autism. It can be hard to help them understand appropriate social behaviours but a comment so bad that there is a genuine risk of police involvement then that goes way way beyond lack of social skills!

That's if he even has a diagnosis of autism which I'm guessing from your description he does not.

All the people actually arguing about naming and stating someone has tendencies, do you not get that different people have different ways than you? I’ve been trying to get a diagnosis a long time and my brother has a diagnosis. Members of my family also show what the op said. When we talk about it or go to talks we probably insert ‘Asperger’s’ in because it’s what we know. Slagging people off isn’t okay. I once got trashed on Twitter, and I mean I was shaking afterwards because I said we use the term ‘has autism’ instead of autistic. I said that’s just what we say and people rounded in on me for apparently thinking I know it all when I probably am just saying I might have it etc. leave people alone- we’re all just trying our best!

Op I hope you’re okay but as much as that I hope your son learns from this, but that he’s okay and that whoever is affected is okay too

This sounds like a bunch of excuses. Do you always excuse your son like this?

This could have been condensed to "my 18 year old son who is an adult is immature and isn't capable of having a conversation without saying vile misogynistic things".

Men like this are often excused all the time. It's a massive disservice to not call it what it is and try to coddle him.

If police are involved then it was likely a threat? And combined with hints of a footballer and misogyny I'm making some assumptions. If your son genuinely regrets what he said (not just the consequences) have a discussion with him. Write a letter to the girl and go hand it to her (agree so that her parents are there so she can feel safe and consult school) apologise profusely. In the letter have a plan in how he will make it better (what reading he will do, what organisation he will get involved in, what group he will join etc.) And have a picture and a copy ready for the police. Then have him stay the he'll away from the girl and if his friends are equally toxic then away from them aswell.

There is a victim in all of this and it isn't your DS.

I would be horrified if one of my DS's did something like this. I'd like to think it wouldn't happen though as I've spent their lifetimes teaching them how to respect others.

I hope he learns from this.

Your original post doesn't actually say exactly what he did? Reading between the lines and given police involvement I would assume as an 18 year old man he's made threats to sexually assault/rape this girl. If this is the case he deserves to be punished and you should stop defending him skirting around what he's actually done and making excuses.

No fucking chance would my DD be meeting this abusive ass hole to accept any apology. The victimin this owes him nothing.
If he has any sense he will stay well away.

He needs to be held accountable for his actions, he made the choice to stick up for his friend and made comments towards the girl which have rightly caused upset, he did not need to do that, it was his choice.
I have a son who is nearly 17 who told me about a comment a boy had made on a girls post regarding ‘National Woman’s Day’. He was as equally shocked as the girls and said how disappointing it is. It is our jobs as mothers to raise our sons to treat women equally and with respect.

One of my children was very badly bullied, the school washed their hands of it. Her being physically attacked by a gang just outside the school gates was nothing to do with them. It is funny how these things vary.

Quite, and the fact that this is being blamed on his neurodiversity is fucking shocking.

To repeat: neurodiverse people do not routinely go around threatening women. The insinuation in the OP is disablist shit of the worst kind.

Of course she doesn't owe a meeting with him or need to accept an apology. That's why I suggesting asking form parents and school who can talk with the school so it's under her direct consent if she wants to hear it. He should accept the consequences presented by the school and the police. I also think of he doesn't present a desire to apologise it would be a red flag (no excuses). But leaving her alone is also an excellent choice.

thedancingbear I completely agree.
I don't think saying he has "Aspergers tendencies", will be viewed as a defence by my DD who has diagnosed autism and is in the Police. 🙄

I knew the thread would have turned into a pile on, so will just post the once and hope it helps the OP.

I have a close relative who has autism and yet is also high functioning, did A levels, it is the sort of thing he’d do. It’s to do with not really understanding the impact of words. Remember autism is about communication, first and foremost. With my relative, he’d watch really awful cheap comedians - the sort who aren’t funny but rely on shock effect - and repeat the sexist and racist ‘jokes.’ He isn’t sexist or racist but didn’t understand fully, just knew that they were meant to be funny.

It doesn’t excuse it but it explains it. I don’t think we need to write off him as a hardened criminal yet, but have managed to drum into relative that if in any doubt, shut up. This is after many years of that training, though. I wish you well.

No, but putting them straight when they talk shit might.

Pesky 'activists', sticking up for disabled people, eh?

Thankyou for this advice I was in a bit of a state last night and probably did not explain clearly. He does not have a diagnosis but often shows behaviours in line with ASC /ASD / ADD I am sorry if I don't get the terminology correct. He is often desperate to get in with group and makes poor choices. On all occasions I have explained the consequences, sanctioned him and expected him to take responsibility however this does not come easily to him.
However with this incident he immediately knew he had done something wrong and accepted full responsibility. He will write a letter of apology and a formal statement.