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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 yr old son made supid comment in group caht with serious consequences

272 replies

helgarr · 10/03/2023 21:03

My son has got involved in a group chat where he went to defend his friend but said something stupid to the girl involved related to a footballer which had horrible misogynistic connotations. Understandably his school have taken it seriously and he now likely to have serious sanctions at school and possible police action if the girl's parents take it further. He seriously regerets what he said and is really worried about his future. He does have aspergers tendencies and finds relectinig on his actions difficult. Does anyone have any advice on what may happen if the police are involved or he gets expelled from school.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 10/03/2023 23:22

StrictlyJowita · 10/03/2023 22:54

My dd is currently going through the assessment process and one of the things highlighted by her former teachers was that she definitely WAS was more easily lead than her peers which is why it was on my mind.

I'm genuinely surprised you have a daughter yet you are advising the OP to get her adult son to write a detailed letter to a child apologising for comments serious enough for police involvement.

Was she a child? I didn't think the OP mentioned the girls age.

QuillBill · 10/03/2023 23:24

Was she a child? I didn't think the OP mentioned the girls age.

She didn't but she did say that it was going to be the girls parents who would be taking it further.

savoycabbage · 10/03/2023 23:25

Northernparent68 · 10/03/2023 23:22

If the message was sent outside school can you argue it’s not their concern.

I hope not.

Barnstormaway787 · 10/03/2023 23:29

QuillBill · 10/03/2023 23:22

Quite the reverse imho. An apology is only genuine when it’s made without any expectations of forgiveness or otherwise because it acknowledges wrong and nothing more.

I thought you said his brain wasn't developed properly and he wouldn't realise the impact of his words others.

Now you are saying the same person has the capacity to write a letter without the expectation of forgiveness.

I was advising the op on what I thought would be the best course of action for her son at this point.

The op stated that her son has difficulty reflecting on his actions - she also said that he now regrets his actions - so I am assuming it was possible for him to understand the gravity of what he had done once all the issues and implications were explained to him.

Ohyouareawful · 10/03/2023 23:31

If the police are involved it may be advisable to talk to a solicitor. I wouldn’t write any letters to anyone until the full ramifications of that action in law are understood. If am not suggesting he shouldn’t apologize, just that it’s a lot more serious if police are involved.

Caviarandgelatine · 10/03/2023 23:40

FurCoatNoNickers · 10/03/2023 22:25

ASD tendencies!!! ( huge eye roll) Utterly sick of this being bandied about to excuse / explain behaviour. So unfair to autistic people. Perhaps your son has got misogynistic 'tendencies'?? Or bullying 'tendencies'?

Yep this.

My DD is autistic and she's only 11, yet she is keenly aware of how words can affect people online. When there was unkindness recently towards another girl on the class WhatsApp, she stuck her head above the parapet and called the bullies out. Everybody else was reading the messages and not getting involved but she knew it was wrong and wasn't afraid to tell them so.

People with ASD often are very empathetic and have a strong sense of right and wrong. It sounds like your DS needs to deal with the consequences of his words.

Crumpleton · 10/03/2023 23:45

FurCoatNoNickers · 10/03/2023 22:25

ASD tendencies!!! ( huge eye roll) Utterly sick of this being bandied about to excuse / explain behaviour. So unfair to autistic people. Perhaps your son has got misogynistic 'tendencies'?? Or bullying 'tendencies'?

I'm with you on this. So many posts on here recently throwing this in when someone has done something that would normally go down as just bad behaviour from a person that should know better.

Really feel for those genuinely diagnosed.

Showersugar · 10/03/2023 23:45

You need to work on his victim empathy OP. Really help him to step into the shoes of his victim and to consider what impact his words will have had on her. How you do this might vary according to whether he is autistic or not, but you need to do it nonetheless. Victim empathy.

Ahsoka2001 · 10/03/2023 23:51

Wait, so by "aspergers tendencies" do you mean your son only has traits and isn't genuinely autistic? Asking as a high-functioning autistic myself. I was diagnosed in 2010.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2023 23:53

It doesn’t sound like anything much will happen - if he gets kicked out of school he’ll finish his A levels at college. Unless he made a threat towards the girl (doesn’t sound like it?) then I cannot see that the police are going to take any action.

I’d take legal advice before you suggest he does this - but it sounds like he needs to write a sincere apology to this girl.

It’s important you don’t minimise or excuse him. There’s no excuse for misogyny any more than there is for racism. You won’t do him any favours by soft peddling it.

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 23:55

"Aspergers tendencies" is code for "asshole behaviour we prefer to tell ourselves is ND".

GothicNight · 10/03/2023 23:58

Notimeforaname · 10/03/2023 22:39

There has not been an official change to ASC, has there?
Nope. Never heard of ASC before. I work with many people who have an ASD diagnosis and they speak openly about it.

Neither have I and I have several relatives with the diagnosis but @isitanywondernow thinks she is the arbiter of autism truths. 😂

Zwicky · 11/03/2023 00:13

How young is the girl that it becomes up to her parents to take it further? I’m guessing under about 13 or 14. I don’t think he should be contacting her at all, let alone giving her a handwritten letter. I wouldn’t want to be contacted at all by some rape apologist arsehole telling me how it’s not his fault but I 100% wouldn’t want a physical reminder that I then had to deal with.

I’m assuming he will have already been entered into his exams by the school and would be surprised if he wasn’t allowed to go in and sit them. He should probably stay away from all the girls, especially the underage ones. If he does have contact then stick to bland subjects rather than rape etc.

Fifi0000 · 11/03/2023 00:21

Asperger's tendencies? So no diagnosis. Your post reeks of enabling instead of teaching your son right from wrong. If he gets away with this with no consequences he won't learn and it may escalate further.

Fromwetome · 11/03/2023 00:44

Oh look another troll thread where OP ask for advice on an obscure comment "what to do !??????" And then doesn't reply once to their own thread. yawn.

StClare101 · 11/03/2023 00:57

It sounds like someone was unkind and rude but he has escalated it to the point of threatening someone. There is no such thing as Asperger’s tendencies- that sounds like an excuse.

The first step would be a completely sincere written apology. The second step would be to accept the consequences (the apology should be offered regardless of the consequences).

Deathbyfluffy · 11/03/2023 01:01

Notimeforaname · 10/03/2023 22:28

ASD is also an outdated term as it implies as disorder as opposed to a way of being.

ASC - Autism Spectrum Condition is more relevant.

Last week I went to a huge training event for working with children with ASD. Strange they didn't know their term was outdated since they were teaching us all about it...

What a load of rubbish (and I have ASD)

letthemalldoone · 11/03/2023 01:28

Barnstormaway787 · 10/03/2023 22:16

I obviously don’t know what was said but as the op has come on here for parental advice not public castigation::

~ he may be legally an adult at 18 but his
pre-frontal cortex won’t be fully formed at this age which will make him prone to impulsivity

~ ASD (as it is now) will make him more likely to be easily lead by others and he won’t fully understand the impact of his words on others

So it’s reasonable that both his age and his ASD should be taken in to account when disciplinary measures are meted out.

Op, as a pp said, I would check out his role carefully in relation to others in the group
and if he hasn’t been in trouble before, and genuinely now sees the error of his ways, then he would do well to write a sincere detailed letter of apology to the girl involved, written out in long hand, giving reasons as to why he was wrong, and passed via the head teacher to the girl’s parents. And keep a copy for yourself.

You may need to seek the help of a lawyer if police become involved, so get a recommendation for someone who deals with educational matters in your area.

And ignore any hostile comments on here.
You are under no obligation to broadcast what your son said. At one time you could come on Mumsnet and acknowledge a fault in yourself or one of your dc, and not be flamed but those days are very sadly gone and responses are less measured.

100% this!! I haven't read the posts since but I am disgusted with the other posts prior to this one!

Beck2023 · 11/03/2023 01:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

GothicNight · 11/03/2023 02:02

Fromwetome · 11/03/2023 00:44

Oh look another troll thread where OP ask for advice on an obscure comment "what to do !??????" And then doesn't reply once to their own thread. yawn.

In OP'S defence no one is really commenting on the main issue that OP actually asked about. They are hyper focusing on her word choices and the thread got completely derailed. Nothing she says will be enough. So why should she reply? To give you more ammunition to use against her?

I've been noticing this about many threads recently.

The point was to ask for advice. Instead of getting advice she got criticism and nitpicking of her language.

If you want OP to reply maybe consider giving them the benefit of the doubt and start talking to them like they are human beings from now on.

I know I'm asking a lot of mumsneters though and that will not happen.

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/03/2023 03:15

Aside from the minimising of it and the need to explain what is meant by 'aspergers tendencies' and what context that actually has - what has he actually said OP, that there would be a police involvement and not just a telling off or a sanction within the school?

AxolotlOnions · 11/03/2023 06:48

@isitanywondernow ASD is the official medical term, some use ASC as they dislike the word disorder but it is the proper medical term. A disorder is a "disruption to the regular bodily structure or function", in the case of autism this is the structure of the brain. A condition is "an abnormal state of health that interferes with normal or regular feelings of wellbeing". Autistic people are not abnormal, unhealthy or mentally ill.

Lwrenagain · 11/03/2023 07:45

My child was diagnosed ASD 2 years ago and now his official docs such as ehcps use ASC, so it's possible that ASC is the new ASD.

That aside, you're minimising what your son has done and that's doing him fuck all favours.

moonpixel · 11/03/2023 07:49

I think instead of scrapping over ASD/ASC we can just use the word 'autism' or 'autistic' in print.

To be pedantic, the DSM 5 and the ICD 11 - which define specific criteria also use ASD. Until that's changed then nobody really has the right, officially, to change it.

Florissant · 11/03/2023 07:53

There is no such thing as "Asperger tendencies" and using this as an excuse is shameful. I have autism (Asperger's in old money) and am appalled at this attempt to blame bad behaviour on a disability

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