18 yr old son made supid comment in group caht with serious consequences

[helgarr]

My son has got involved in a group chat where he went to defend his friend but said something stupid to the girl involved related to a footballer which had horrible misogynistic connotations. Understandably his school have taken it seriously and he now likely to have serious sanctions at school and possible police action if the girl's parents take it further. He seriously regerets what he said and is really worried about his future. He does have aspergers tendencies and finds relectinig on his actions difficult. Does anyone have any advice on what may happen if the police are involved or he gets expelled from school.

Sorry, but threatening women and refusing to take moral responsibility are not 'behaviours in line with ASC /ASD / ADD'.

I think you need to concentrate on what he said. What makes him think thats ok to say. Try and work out how to tackle his beliefs and where they come from.
Making sure your son becomes a responsible safe adult that respects others is more important than getting him out of trouble, autistic or not. Autistic boys often might need extra indepth guidance on relating to peers and issues relating to sexual boundaries. Its super important.

Dont make excuses, but use this as a wake up call that there is an issue emerging here

He does not have a diagnosis but often shows behaviours in line with ASC /ASD / ADD I am sorry if I don't get the terminology correct.

Terminology is irrelevant. Flippantly using a disability that your son does not even have (diagnosed) is a disgraceful thing to do.

Be more respectful.

What precisely did your son say? This is needed to be able to give you advice; the head and I have permanently excluded a 6th form student for something similar, and yes the police were involved due to the threat in the comment.

Being neurodiverse does not affect the outcome when a crime has been committed, which this could be depending on what he said/threatened.

@thedancingbear how does he immediately knew he had done something wrong and accepted full responsibility.

Become Refusing to take moral responsibility?

@helgarr as a former teacher who has dealt with this sort of scenario many times, I would suggest you are proactive in your dealings with the school. Ask to meet the relevant staff dealing with this, discuss with them your concerns about your son's capacity to understand the impact of his actions and a potential autism diagnosis, and go from there. Don't wait for them to contact you. You need to show you're taking this seriously.

I would hope that the school will recognise that your son has some additional needs that should be taken into account. If he has been at the school since he was 11 then I can't imagine this won't have been flagged repeatedly before. You say he makes consistent poor choices so I'm sure there will be a record of behaviour kept at school to demonstrate that this is part of a pattern and not a one off.

A sincere and heartfelt apology is a good place to start but you need to be led by what the girl in this scenario wants. She may not want that and you and your son will need to respect that. She needs to be able to voice what she wants.

I completely agree by the way that this kind of behaviour from male students towards female is totally unacceptable and punishment should be meted out. However, it does need to be recognised that these kinds of misogynistic comments come from a wider societal culture where misogyny is everywhere, is constantly minimised and even encouraged, and there are very little to any consequences for men who are violent verbally or physically towards women. So where are boys supposed to learn that this isn't ok? It's widely socially acceptable to make horrendously sexist comments with no consequence - even on TV, radio, in newspaper articles - look at the latest furore with Jeremy Clarkson and what he said about Meghan Markle. If their favourite TV presenter says something horrific about a woman and everyone just laughs, how do boys know it's wrong to say that? These sorts of comments don't exist in a vacuum and rather than seeking to blame and shame this young man, there needs to be an understanding that society is failing young men and women by continuing to accept misogyny as a norm.

OP it sounds like you're doing your best in a difficult situation. It's a very complex world for young people to navigate out there right now.

‘He does not have a diagnosis’

well then, it’s not a ‘defence’ is it. He’s 18, an adult under law so he’ll have to start facing consequences in his own.

Totally agreed with this. Seems like OP is quick to make her son the victim and absolve him of all blame in this rather than think about the actual victim, a young woman.

And if he sends his victim a letter to apologise etc he’ll be bloody lucky to escape with no/little punishment.

As the mother of two boys all I can say I I wish you the best OP.

It's not about the terminology.

It's about you using "tendencies" as an excuse for his behaviour when a) he has no diagnosis and b) autism doesn't cause that behaviour anyway.

It's so offensive to people who are actually diagnosed with autism who somehow manage not to do what your son has done.

I'm autistic. Diagnosed.

What exactly did your son do/say ?

The OP is not excusing her son's behaviour by saying he has autistic tendencies.

She's saying his behaviour is impacted by the fact that he often can't understand why what he says is upsetting/offensive to someone else. Not understanding social cues or being able to understand another person's emotional response is a trait of autism and is therefore highly relevant to this scenario. If the OP's son does have undiagnosed autism - and we all know how difficult it is to get any kind of support for this in schools at the moment, so a lack of a diagnosis is very common for children who do very obviously display autistic behaviours - this should be factored in to what has happened here.

It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but it's part of a context of how that behaviour may have happened, and certainly should be factored into how it's dealt with.

What did he say?

It’s only your opinion that they’re ‘talking shit’. Derailing threads by focusing on the minutiae of terminology is not sticking up for disabled people.

Most of the online ‘autism activists’ I’ve encountered are doing more harm than good, imo.

As others have said OP - STOP using a diagnosis that your son does NOT have! You cannot and should not ever say this! Your son does not have ASD/ASC/Asperger’s - so stop excusing his behaviour in this way.

No matter what you try to say, you’re minimising his actions. As others have said, let him own it, and take responsibility for his own adult actions.

If you genuinely think he’s autistic, then help to get him on the adult diagnostic pathway.

You indicate you help him frequently with his inappropriate behaviour - he’s clearly not taking it on board and learning from it 🤷🏻‍♀️

No. The kind of traits you're referring to might lead to things like an autistic person being overly honest and hurting somebody's feelings that way. For example their friend changes their hair and they say they preferred it before, that kind of thing. This is the kind of social communication that can be affected.

It doesn't lead to making threatening comments towards women on social media.

If you think hes autistic and that this is significant in his interactions with peers, how come you havent pursued a diagnosis for him?

@EnidSpyton a lack of a diagnosis is very common for children who do very obviously display autistic behaviours - this should be factored in to what has happened here.

No it shouldn’t be factored in! The police won’t factor it in when there’s no diagnosis 🤦🏻‍♀️ Don’t spout such stupid rubbish.

Of course it's only my opinion.

It's not about the 'minutiae of terminology' (ffs). It's about the OP suggesting neurodiverse people are disposed to threaten women. They aren't.

I didn't say that autism leads to people making threatening comments towards women on social media.

I said that it can cause a lack of understanding around social and emotional cues. This can impact on what is understood to be an acceptable thing to say, in that people with autism can struggle to understand why something they've said is offensive or hurtful, or understand why something could be viewed in that way.

I worked with autistic children in an educational setting for a long time so I do know what I'm talking about.

Autistic behaviours can vary widely and no one can say with any certainty how autism can or cannot affect anyone. There is no certainty in neurodiversity!

You can't just throw a diagnosis around like that

But the main sure thing is, OP’s son is NOT autistic. It’s that simple, that black and white. If OP had these concerns, then she should have pursued a diagnosis long before now.

'Stupid rubbish'?

A child who has consistently displayed behaviours associated with autism, even without a diagnosis, will have that factored into any association with the police or authorities.

At the moment there is over a year's wait for access to CAMHS and an uphill struggle to get a diagnosis or support for children with autism.

I taught a child who displayed what would be considered common autistic behaviours, who struggled enormously as a result, and it took us about 5 years to get a formal diagnosis for her.

It's not a straightforward process and in many parts of the country, provision for diagnostic and ongoing support for autism is so dire that a waiting list of years is the norm unless you can afford to go private.

Coming on here and spouting a load of armchair warrior nonsense about ableism and terminology is all very well but without understanding the reality on the ground for many parents with children who do display autistic behaviours, you really don't have a clue what you're talking about.

As PP have noted, if the police are involved then it's likely he made a threat. I can't see how else they'd be involved, unless he was harassing her but you position this as a one off so I assume it's not that.

If he has made a threat then you should be glad the police are involved tbh as it might be a wake up call for him and stop him doing something like this again before the consequences are even more serious.

@EnidSpyton

There is no diagnosis and apparently nothing to suggest he is autistic other than OP need to excuse his behaviour.

I understand what you are saying but in this scenario I do not agree.