18 yr old son made supid comment in group caht with serious consequences

[helgarr]

My son has got involved in a group chat where he went to defend his friend but said something stupid to the girl involved related to a footballer which had horrible misogynistic connotations. Understandably his school have taken it seriously and he now likely to have serious sanctions at school and possible police action if the girl's parents take it further. He seriously regerets what he said and is really worried about his future. He does have aspergers tendencies and finds relectinig on his actions difficult. Does anyone have any advice on what may happen if the police are involved or he gets expelled from school.

I work with children with additional needs and I've very recently noticed that there has been a shift to using ASC.

Autism frequently involves deficits with theory of mind. Can make autistic people struggle to understand that the object of their interest is not enjoying the attention. Autism can mean that the person misinterprets certain social rules and expectations.
It can make it extra hard to navigate the social minefield of adolescence. The mixed messages in the media and especially in the times of social media.
Autistic teenage boys can become social pariahs if they are too clumsy/cringy with their approaches. We all see how misogynistic the messages in the media are. I know how much effort ive had to put in for my kids that parents of NT kids can easily take for granted. I think that its also an issue that some parents who think its about their childs autism, jump on that as a reason to not blame the child and ignore the issue, rather than understanding that autism means they have to tackle issues in a more comprehensive and different way.

You have no idea whether he is autistic or not. A lack of a diagnosis doesn't mean a lack of autism.

The OP may have pursued it. The school may have pursued it. They may be stuck on an interminable waiting list within an underfunded and understaffed service.

i suspect what he’s said is terrible and that’s why you don’t wish to state it. Has he threatened a young woman with rape or abuse?

I am unsure of your comments on adhd/autism etc as some form of justification for his behaviour, why has he not been diagnosed if you feel it’s so severe he will threaten or abuse someone because of it?

Op, if it offers any comfort- the police won’t get involved unless the message is a threat of some kind. Misogyny isn’t covered by hate crime legislation as sex isn’t a protected characteristic. Also, they probably wouldn’t take further action because it wouldn’t be in the public interest to charge a boy, who has demonstrated remorse (the letter), for a heat of the moment one-off message.

It may well be a threat. And yes rhe police will take action if it is. Even if it’s just a caution.

@EnidSpyton

You have no idea whether he is autistic or not. A lack of a diagnosis doesn't mean a lack of autism

A flippant remark doesn't make him autistic either though.

The OP may have pursued it. The school may have pursued it. They may be stuck on an interminable waiting list within an underfunded and understaffed service.

I feel like OP may have mentioned that when returning to the thread if there was any weight to it tbh.

It's obviously true that the lack of a diagnosis doesn't mean no autism.

But if the OP is suggesting he's autistic because he does things like threaten women on social media, then she is fucking miles off beam. Unfortunately that is a very neurotypical male trait.

The OP said: 'He does have aspergers tendencies and finds reflecting on his actions difficult.'

Nowhere has she said that threatening women on social media is an autistic trait or sought to excuse her son's behaviour by saying 'oh well he does this because he's autistic.'

I think people have jumped on this without actually reading what the OP has said, as part of well meaning but rather misplaced autism activism.

Let's face it - having autism - whether diagnosed or not - can seriously impact on your ability to navigate social situations. In a case like this where a threat has been made and a child hasn't understood why what they've said is wrong, then I think a suspected autism diagnosis is relevant in understanding the behaviour. It doesn't EXCUSE it -and I don't think the OP has attempted to excuse her son's behaviour at all - but it helps to understand it and therefore should be factored in to discussions around appropriate consequences.

I think maybe the autism thing is very triggering for you and it would be wise to step back.

please note this man is not a child. He is an adult male.

Nowhere in OPs messages has it suggested that her son threatened anyone with rape or anything. For all ee know, OP could just be freaking out and its not as bad as she thinks.

I have three autistic kids and for all of them ive had them in trouble for social media stuff, inappropriate messages etc.
Autism has a massive impact in how well they navigate this stuff and how we approach it with them. It also impacts how you tackle it with them.
It is not a reason to not tackle it.

Equally, you have no idea that he IS autistic! Yet you’re making excuses for him on that basis! Lack of staff or funding - in 18 years, the OP would have, at some point, been successful in getting her son on the diagnostic pathway. Stop minimising and excusing inappropriate behaviour.

For your information, I’m well aware of staffing/funding/autistic behaviours etc .. given my own personal family circumstances and diagnosis.

Many people don't pursue a diagnosis for suspected autism because it's a lot of bother for limited obvious benefit. Someone who is coping reasonably well with life may not wish to go to a doctor (potentially quite a scary experience) to get a diagnosis when they don't expect to receive any help beyond that. A child may resist a parent's attempts to have them diagnosed, or the parent may fear they would. Many parents may have undiagnosed autism themselves and see it as a case of "I've coped fine being different, why shouldn't they?"

So it's entirely possible that the lack of a diagnosis is not a strong indicator of the lack of autism here.

Only read the op but because you have mentioned asperger tendencies 🙄I'm going to hazard a guess that loads of people are making excuses for him. Well played op.
I would like to point out that young women deserve to go about their lives without having horrible things said to them with misogynistic connotations though. Just my opinion. He needs to apologise sincerely and perhaps you could encourage him to reflect on his behaviour and I would take his phone away if he can't be trusted with it.

Many people don't pursue a diagnosis for suspected autism because it's a lot of bother for limited obvious benefit.

Urgh. More ableist crap.

'Limited benefit of diagnosis' is something people make up to minimise autism.

Maybe we could drop that.

OP, this is a helpful response.

EnidSpyton "So where are these boys supposed to learn this isn't OK?"

Well I'd say responsibility for this starts at home.
We all need to be teaching boys about misogyny and respect for women. We need them to have the confidence to call out their friends who are being disrespectful.
My lads know that if they fuck up in this respect, we won't be defending them, or making up disabilities to try to get them out of trouble.
When my DS's were younger, even their rugby teams and Army cadet units were doing sessions on respect. They do lessons about misogyny at the all boys school that my DH teaches at, its no excuse to say "where are they supposed to learn".
They already know the likes of Andrew Tate are wrong.
We need to treat seriously every single crime against women.

If this was my DS I'd be furious with him and ashamed of him. I'd be asking him to re evaluate his attitudes, who he is hanging around with and what he wants from life. He would also be facing the consequences on his own as I wouldn't be in his corner.

This. Amongst all the squabbling over terms, if you are concerned your DS is neurodiverse, getting an assessment is worthwhile and may be a route to help and coping strategies.

OK, I'll rephrase. A lack of understanding around social and emotional cues doesn't lead to making threatening comments towards women.

There's a world of difference between upsetting a friend because they've asked you to play Roblox and you just say "no" rather than understanding why you should explain why you can't to spare their feelings, and making comments that cause the police to be involved.

People with autism usually see things in black and white terms and for a teen who is able enough to be at college, communicating on social media etc, they would have the understanding that these comments are wrong. In fact I'd go as far as to say they'd be less likely to make the comments than their NT peers.

But this is all irrelevant really because the OP's son doesn't have a diagnosis.

I have three sons and I can understand how mortified you must be feeling. Keep the conversations going with your son so he can navigate his way through situations in the future in an acceptable manner. I can’t advise you on what will happen regarding the police or school but I hope it soon gets sorted.

It has been referred to as ASC for well over ten years now by numerous people including autism charities and support services, because the word “disorder” is considered stigmatising.

It has been referred to as ASC for well over ten years now by numerous people including autism charities and support services, because the word “disorder” is considered stigmatising.

Yes but it doesn't really matter how these people choose to refer to it. The official term is ASD. That hasn't changed so why are people arguing that we should all suddenly rename our diagnosis?

I think you will find that sex IS a protected characteristic!!!!

What a load of rubbish. Any parent watching their child growing up with struggles, and suspects autism, would pursue a dx. Why would you continue to let your child suffer?

Honestly, the amount of posters trying to excuse this young man’s behaviour is appalling.

Hmmm...as a mum of a boy on the spectrum that VERY much knows right from wrong and is genuinely the kindest person I know, I want to strop a bit at 'asperger tendancies'..but I think that's been done to death and no need for me to repeat what's been said already.

I hope you get it sorted OP. I'm glad he's being held accountable, as he should be. Keep conversation open, talk to him as he is - an adult. A young one that made a mistake true but no need to sugarcoat it.