Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd's new bf broke up with her - wants to leave uni - help me parent!

156 replies

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:01

She wants me to pick her up today as she's 'too much of a mess to get on the train' her words. She's been texting me all night and I'm knackered. I feel really sorry for her but she had only been with him for a month. She has a good group of girl friends looking out for her. The uni is a 2 hour drive away. I will go and collect her later on but is it normal for parents to do this- my own mum was an alcoholic and never there for any of us so I'm a bit shit at judging what's the right thing to do. She's saying she wants to leave uni altogether! She's 19 and only ever had two boyfriends both of whom have split up from her. Wise words needed! Dh is saying she needs to just learn how to cope herself and get on with it.

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 03/03/2023 08:06

She needs to get on with it. DD phoned me in hysterics when boyfriend dumped her. she was with friends and I told her I had to go to work but would come up at the weekend if she needed. By then she was coping and moving forward. She can’t let one relationship destroy her future.

WandaWonder · 03/03/2023 08:06

I would offer to ger her from the station and I get she is upset but I am with your husband on this

EmptyPlaces · 03/03/2023 08:07

If she’s this upset after a month long “relationship” ends then I’d say she really needs a kick up the arse and a reality check so I’m with your husband.

WeCome1 · 03/03/2023 08:07

I think coming home for the weekend sounds like a good idea, but I’m not sure why she can’t sit on a train.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:08

She knows I'm not working this afternoon and the weekend. I'm pissed off if I'm honest as had a nice day planned planting things in the garden plus im recovering from a migraine. She was absolutely hysterical yesterday

OP posts:
bookmarket · 03/03/2023 08:08

That's tricky to know what to do for the best. I don't think my mother would have picked me up from uni, but, she was there for me during a break up when I was mid 20s and it really helped having a nice day out with her.

I think I'd talk to her and see if she can arrange to do something with friends who will support her. Otherwise if she comes home, tell her it's just for the weekend. You can assess her mental state when she's home.

Try to get her to draw on her resilience - she got over the last break up, she'll get over this one. At the moment it will feel raw. It's probably less about how established the relationship was and more about her reaction to rejection.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:09

She is lovely but she's constant drama. She seems to have very few coping mechanisms apart from me, which is odd as she has loads of friends

OP posts:
feelinglikeanewparent · 03/03/2023 08:11

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:09

She is lovely but she's constant drama. She seems to have very few coping mechanisms apart from me, which is odd as she has loads of friends

I'd use this opportunity to allow her to find other coping mechanisms.

Everyone goes through this and she'll be better off finding her own way through it

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:12

bookmarket · 03/03/2023 08:08

That's tricky to know what to do for the best. I don't think my mother would have picked me up from uni, but, she was there for me during a break up when I was mid 20s and it really helped having a nice day out with her.

I think I'd talk to her and see if she can arrange to do something with friends who will support her. Otherwise if she comes home, tell her it's just for the weekend. You can assess her mental state when she's home.

Try to get her to draw on her resilience - she got over the last break up, she'll get over this one. At the moment it will feel raw. It's probably less about how established the relationship was and more about her reaction to rejection.

Thanks. Yes she panics at the idea or reality of rejection. He sounded as though he was quite nice about it tbh. If only one nice day out would be enough! She'll cry over this for weeks and mention it and text constantly. It's really hard to know how to deal with it without seeming heartless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:13

Maybe I'll at least say she has to get the train - it's an easy journey with no changes.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 03/03/2023 08:14

She is probably a bit shocked and disappointed as she was enjoying having a boyfriend. Also she may have fancied him for a while and now all the fun is over..for now.
I would collect her and fuss over her on the weekend making sure she knows she is back on Sunday evening on the train. Or maybe offer to come up tomorrow and take her to lunch so she is still in college city but getting some TLC. Don't say you need to get over this or anything. Just listen and sympathise.

R0ckets · 03/03/2023 08:14

To be honest unless you're about to drip feed that she has some additional needs which might explain her behaviour I'm going to suggest your DHs approach is probably the best course of action.

She's been with him 4 weeks and she's 19 years old, she shouldn't be that affected by the break up that she cannot get on a train if she wants rot come home for the weekend, that's a very extreme reaction.

In the kindest possible way she is never going to learn coping strategies if you're always there to pick up the pieces and 'fix' her problems.

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2023 08:18

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:13

Maybe I'll at least say she has to get the train - it's an easy journey with no changes.

‘Sweetheart, Dad and I would love to see you if you want to come home for the weekend - I can cook [insert her favourite food]. I can pick you up from the station later but I can’t drive all the way up, I’ve had a migraine. Tell me what time the train gets in. Love you.’

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:19

R0ckets · 03/03/2023 08:14

To be honest unless you're about to drip feed that she has some additional needs which might explain her behaviour I'm going to suggest your DHs approach is probably the best course of action.

She's been with him 4 weeks and she's 19 years old, she shouldn't be that affected by the break up that she cannot get on a train if she wants rot come home for the weekend, that's a very extreme reaction.

In the kindest possible way she is never going to learn coping strategies if you're always there to pick up the pieces and 'fix' her problems.

She is dyslexic but I don't think that explains anything! She's just a huge (whatever the correct psychological description of a drama queen is!)

I really want her to learn to draw on herself and her inner strength. I have another dd who is completely different and would be very sad but would throw herself into friends and work

OP posts:
ilovebagpuss · 03/03/2023 08:19

I'd probably go half and half here and book the train tickets for her and say you have an appointment for blood test or something but will pick her up at station.
Unless she struggles with MH or anything I agree with others it's time to be bright and breezy and kind but push her to be a bit more independant.
I remember being really ill at uni one term and getting the train back home to have a nice weekend being fussed over, my DM was working and I would never have asked her to fetch me.

bookmarket · 03/03/2023 08:20

Oh yes, I've been there. Not over a break up but something else when my DD was first at uni. They're so used to their mothers being their constant rock, they come back to that when needed. I actually sent my DD a book about emotional resilience. I think she was mildly depressed so unable to cope with what she'd normally cope with. She was good at doing things I suggested though so was trying hard to help herself but needed me to counsel her from afar.

It was draining for me, but she's moved on and thriving, so see it as a process. It doesn't have to be tough love but be firm and breezy and supportive without being sucked in too far!

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:20

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2023 08:18

‘Sweetheart, Dad and I would love to see you if you want to come home for the weekend - I can cook [insert her favourite food]. I can pick you up from the station later but I can’t drive all the way up, I’ve had a migraine. Tell me what time the train gets in. Love you.’

Show quote history

Literally might just copy and paste that. Hopefully remembering to put the food in 😅

OP posts:
123rd · 03/03/2023 08:27

In all honesty, see what she says today after she has slept on it.
I'd encourage to get out with her girlfriends tonight and forget all about it for a few hours. -I'm sure you would have mentioned that in your texts last night.
Everything always seems so much worse at night. She may well feel a bit more positive this morning ...

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:28

123rd · 03/03/2023 08:27

In all honesty, see what she says today after she has slept on it.
I'd encourage to get out with her girlfriends tonight and forget all about it for a few hours. -I'm sure you would have mentioned that in your texts last night.
Everything always seems so much worse at night. She may well feel a bit more positive this morning ...

Yes that's what I think would be best. Her girlfriends are so lovely she'd be much better off with them.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 03/03/2023 08:29

If it was either of my boys, I'd definitely pick them up. But they are both stoic so if they were upset, I know they need support. I'd probably tell her what I tell my boys when they face a horrible situation. 'You have two whole days to wallow in the negative feelings. Go to bed, cry, scream, stay off school/work, talk it through...whatever you need. After two days, you get up and you carry on. Nobody deserves more than two days of your anguish'. After two days of letting the feelings flood through them, they're usually ready to carry on.
I'd play hardball on the leaving uni. No bloody boy would get in the way of my daughter getting an education. An education she's worked for and you've probably paid for. She gets up and goes back looking happy and fabulous. Show him what he's lost.

Eevvee · 03/03/2023 08:32

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:09

She is lovely but she's constant drama. She seems to have very few coping mechanisms apart from me, which is odd as she has loads of friends

I'll be blunt. You say yourself you don't know how to emotionally parent. Is she doing this for your attention? She sounds like she needs some validation and emotional warmth from her parents.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:32

TeeBee · 03/03/2023 08:29

If it was either of my boys, I'd definitely pick them up. But they are both stoic so if they were upset, I know they need support. I'd probably tell her what I tell my boys when they face a horrible situation. 'You have two whole days to wallow in the negative feelings. Go to bed, cry, scream, stay off school/work, talk it through...whatever you need. After two days, you get up and you carry on. Nobody deserves more than two days of your anguish'. After two days of letting the feelings flood through them, they're usually ready to carry on.
I'd play hardball on the leaving uni. No bloody boy would get in the way of my daughter getting an education. An education she's worked for and you've probably paid for. She gets up and goes back looking happy and fabulous. Show him what he's lost.

This is totally my gut reaction of how to handle it!

Not to make this about me but I didn't get much parenting and became almost too resilient as a result so I'm never sure if I'm just being a hard bitch or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:34

Eevvee · 03/03/2023 08:32

I'll be blunt. You say yourself you don't know how to emotionally parent. Is she doing this for your attention? She sounds like she needs some validation and emotional warmth from her parents.

Show quote history

Doing what? Engineering a split from her boyfriend for attention? No I don't think so.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 03/03/2023 08:35

Don’t pick her up - she’s 19 and needs to learn to cope on her own / with friends.

Zeroplucks202 · 03/03/2023 08:37

How was she coping generally at university op, before the break up?

I agree about getting her home for the weekend but if this incident is one in a long line of issues related to being unhappy at uni, then I would go and fetch her.