Dd's new bf broke up with her - wants to leave uni - help me parent!

[Dredel]

She wants me to pick her up today as she's 'too much of a mess to get on the train' her words. She's been texting me all night and I'm knackered. I feel really sorry for her but she had only been with him for a month. She has a good group of girl friends looking out for her. The uni is a 2 hour drive away. I will go and collect her later on but is it normal for parents to do this- my own mum was an alcoholic and never there for any of us so I'm a bit shit at judging what's the right thing to do. She's saying she wants to leave uni altogether! She's 19 and only ever had two boyfriends both of whom have split up from her. Wise words needed! Dh is saying she needs to just learn how to cope herself and get on with it.

Sorry as I am for your wee girl, let me express my sympathies to you as a fellow mum who is also the receptacle for emotional dumping. I try to remember that this is the covid generation who missed out on a lot of growing up experiences the rest of us took for granted. They seem to me to be overly emotional sometimes and lack resilience and maturity in many respects. I'm told by a school psychologist of my acquaintance that older teens she'd never have expected to have any problems have been exhibiting all sorts of issues.
Hopefully they'll all grow out of it.
If it helps I had to make a rescue dash to comfort when my youngest was in her first year and had a particularly bad couple of days involving misbehaving IT and exploding beans can in communal kitchen which rendered her hysterical - not with laughter sadly. They just don't drink and party enough. Far too much emphasis now required on grades and laundry.

That is excellent.

If she feels she can come back and then return that is a good sign.

Mine all followed a pattern of returning less as the years went on.

I was a bit of a drama llama in my teens so can relate (if it's any comfort, I'm now generally thought of as the levelheaded one amongst friends and family) and remember making a similar call after being dumped. My mum drove from Sussex to Birmingham to take me out for lunch and after big hugs and about 5 minutes of sympathy, we spent a lovely couple of hours slagging off boyfriend

Agree with your DH, she needs to learn to cope and stand on her own 2 feet and running home isn't going to help. Go and see her or tell her she's welcome to come home for the night but don't start collecting her or pandering to her dramatics all weekend - totally unnecessary given the circumstances.

You sound caring to me OP, let her come and give her a cuddle and send her on her way. Give her room to talk but don't tiptoe around her.
All my friends with the least resilience have parents who would drop everything to be at their slide for the slightest thing (although people talking about leaving work for a breakup that's not even their are actually ridiculous- maybe if your daughter has found out her husband of 10 years and 2 kids has literally run off into the night but even then it's not a normal thing to leave work unless your daughter has additional MH problems)
I also note that this type of parent talk about it/treat stuff like its a big deal 'she's going through a really hard time at the moment, she broke up with her bf of 3 months' 'oh god you must be devastated darling' all this language feeds into how we perceive and deal with life events. You can still be supportive without supporting the idea that this is a HUGE DEAL.
'Oh I'm sorry darling, give me a hug - why don't I make you a cuppa and we can talk about it, you'll feel better getting it off your chest. Why don't we order a takeaway and watch a film later, fancy going round the shops tomorrow before you head back?'
Still supportive, but not feeding into the 'this is a huge deal and your life should stop' narrative.

Yes I'll probably be posting here in a couple of years moaning that I never see her

Finding this thread rather confusing. Surely it’s fine if DD needs to escape from her situation and come home briefly for comfort. It doesn’t really matter how she gets home but train would be good so OP can work /prepare.
Then hugs, tea, food, sleep. Chat - plenty of fish in the sea.
After sleep etc, calm discussion about uni. No reason to give up surely? Why would she consider that? Point out benefits and opportunities of uni.
Return to uni for a shortish timescale initially - next three weeks/end of term- with a to do list for coping - plans for positive things to do.

Being extremely distressed after a four week relationship is an issue in itself. It’s a harsh fact of life that if you don’t want to go under at every turn you have to learn coping skills. We have a generation of young adults who seem very ill equipped for real life in a way that did not exist just a few decades ago. I’m all for support and sympathy - I’d be the first to console and be there for my own kids but then it’s time to wipe away the tears and, as the saying goes, onwards and upwards. As much older and experienced adult women here, we all know now, especially reading so many threads from money strapped, trapped women, how you must build yourself up to be a strong independent woman who can survive on their own terms.

My mum would drop everything and anything for me at the age of 32

But because I'm fairly well balanced, I don't need her to

Unfortunately I'm a helicopter parent who wants to fix everything for my children, and I'm working on taking a step back and letting them figure it out for themselves. Well the eldest at the moment, the baby is totally reliable on me for survival

As long as you're sure she won't harm herself, be firm and tell her that she's an adult now and she needs to work this out. Might be helpful to throw in that uni days are best spent single

I was asking this as I know that amongst my DDs peers (she is a 2nd year), this time last year was when a few people she knew dropped out (eg wrong course, wrong uni, wanted to do something else). The current generation of students had their final years of school very disrupted by Covid and didn't have the usual experience of open days, careers advice at school and interpersonal interaction etc

I saw her last week and she was very happy, loves the uni, has already sorted accommodation for next year, has plans for after the degree. She's getting good marks. It's just the boy. Something similar happened last year and now she thinks she's cursed (light hearted use of word)

Emotionally speaking, it is normal for humans to have quite strong/varied emotional responses.

How we describe those emotions can range widely. Being supported to be honest about how we feel is very important in enabling us to become less reactive - but the aim is not to experience fewer emotions but to be able to feel them and not react.

So someone feeling like they want to leave is fine, the problem is with them actually doing it. The hope is that most people can say to themselves 'I feel like I want to leave but I know after a couple of days under the duvet I'll be OK'.

You sound like a lovely mum. Your daughter sounds a bit like me, can be highly strung and emotional and wants to pack things in as soon as something bad happens. I'm sure after a couple of days at home she'll be tho king more rationally. Well done on setting boundaries.

I missed this post but love it thank you

Dredel · Today 08:13
Maybe I'll at least say she has to get the train - it's an easy journey with no changes.“

I think you’re right. We all have to learn to grow up sometime, 19 is plenty soon enough.

My mum didn’t even drop me off at uni or visit me never mind the picking up if a boyfriend dumped. Don’t think I ever told her anything that’s going on. She’s 19 OP she needs to just move on.

You sound like a great mum. I am sure after a long weekend of being fed, watered and pampered she will be refreshed and calm and ready to return to university.😀

I personally would have gone to collect her as soon as I could.

In our eyes it’s ridiculous that’s she’s so upset about someone she’s only been with for a few weeks.
(although there have been some threads about grown women being as devastated in a similar situation).

But to her it’s a massive deal.
And she just wants to get away and have her mums support which tells me how much she appreciates being around you and how safe she feels at home.

Your gardening can wait.
Your child needs you, even if you don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

Tell her she needs to go back by X date though.

I think it's good to remember that having dyslexia means she is ND and it is normal for an ND child to be emotionally behind their peers.

I think in contradiction to the bizarrely popular opinion on MN, the healthiest way to learn independence and resilience is not to just be left to deal on your own with situations you are struggling with. Learning requires some sort of teaching and if no one is helping you and you don't know how to help yourself then there will be no learning - or not any that is healthy anyway. I mean you could learn that self harm helps you feel better and more in control, or throwing up does, but seeking emotional support and finding that is provided by your family really is a lot healthier and more normal then some people would have you believe on here.

She's getting the train so I can garden as well as look after dd when she gets back.

I'd let her come home. Either you get her or collect her from train station.

Yes she's overreacting but maybe she's overwhelmed. Away from home, uni might be hard, friendships may be tricky, bf has jacked her off... it's maybe just the end of a few things on her mind.

She'll be fine after being home a few days.

I think you're very lucky that the first person she's turned to is you. At that age (and now) the last person I'd have ran to is my mum. I found her a bit hopeless and she wouldn't have understood.

She has to go back to uni though and I think she will anyways. She just needs some timeout. It's always nice to get away from the norm after a tough week, yes it's not a break away but it's two days in her safe place with people she's comfortable with.

Couple of glasses of wine and a takeaway and a night in her own bed will cheer her up, a small effort she'll be grateful for ❤️

Another reminder that learning to parent doesn't end when they are 16.
I'm with a pp who had two stoical boys. It didn't mean they never needed me but it would have to be bad before I knew about it. Like DS's girlfriend of 3 years dumping him in the middle of his finals.
I think your plan is spot on OP. once she's calmed down and had some TLC maybe a discussion about getting things in perspective and the negatives of drama on her and those around her. She may have a good bunch of friends but patience will wear thin if she lays it on too much too often.

My experience is the complete opposite.
The children that aren’t heard don’t bother talking to their parents.
On the other hand I know a few adult children that are always on the phone to their mums. Mums all acknowledge their children have issues some more kindly than others but they always take the calls.

Anyway the Op was up all night talking to her daughter so a moot point.

I’m glad she’s coming home OP.

I hate all of this ‘she needs to learn to get over it’ and ‘tough love’.
There is a big difference between supporting someone and spoiling them.

You can never support someone too much.

I think you can gently suggest coping strategies. I'm glad I'm not driving, I still have a bad headache and my car has an ominous rattle 🤨

Oh dear. I think I would probably go and get her. But over the weekend I would talk to her. Tell her this needs to stop. That as you have said here, you are very concerned that she has no coping mechanisms other than relying on you and that is simply not ok.