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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd's new bf broke up with her - wants to leave uni - help me parent!

156 replies

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:01

She wants me to pick her up today as she's 'too much of a mess to get on the train' her words. She's been texting me all night and I'm knackered. I feel really sorry for her but she had only been with him for a month. She has a good group of girl friends looking out for her. The uni is a 2 hour drive away. I will go and collect her later on but is it normal for parents to do this- my own mum was an alcoholic and never there for any of us so I'm a bit shit at judging what's the right thing to do. She's saying she wants to leave uni altogether! She's 19 and only ever had two boyfriends both of whom have split up from her. Wise words needed! Dh is saying she needs to just learn how to cope herself and get on with it.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 11:24

What was she like before? Aged 15-18? During GCSE's and A'levels. Friendship problems, over sensitive, boyfriends. Does she have any SN, any anxiety issues. This is gonna sound harsh to you, but if she doesn't have very good coping mechanisms and relies heavily on you, why haven't you addressed this before, talked to her about this before?

bumpytrumpy · 03/03/2023 11:31

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 11:24

What was she like before? Aged 15-18? During GCSE's and A'levels. Friendship problems, over sensitive, boyfriends. Does she have any SN, any anxiety issues. This is gonna sound harsh to you, but if she doesn't have very good coping mechanisms and relies heavily on you, why haven't you addressed this before, talked to her about this before?

Think about these questions.

Getting her some therapy may be a great gift for her. An investment in a balanced future.

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 11:33

I think you can gently suggest coping strategies.

Absolutely.

My gentle suggestion to you would be to do your gardening a different time or do it for a shorter amount of time to learn how to cope without doing it.

If I said I think it’s ridiculous that you need to do gardening because it’s completely unnecessary, then that would be very unsupportive.

I don’t get your need to garden as for me it’s a chore and not enjoyable but I recognise that we are different people with different emotions and you doing this is the equivalent of her wanting to come home.

You or other posters may not understand it but that’s because she’s a different person.

I don’t believe in this tough love or telling her to get over it idea that some posters suggest.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:39

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 11:33

I think you can gently suggest coping strategies.

Absolutely.

My gentle suggestion to you would be to do your gardening a different time or do it for a shorter amount of time to learn how to cope without doing it.

If I said I think it’s ridiculous that you need to do gardening because it’s completely unnecessary, then that would be very unsupportive.

I don’t get your need to garden as for me it’s a chore and not enjoyable but I recognise that we are different people with different emotions and you doing this is the equivalent of her wanting to come home.

You or other posters may not understand it but that’s because she’s a different person.

I don’t believe in this tough love or telling her to get over it idea that some posters suggest.

I think this is an unnecessarily complicated and tortuous way to look at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:42

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 11:24

What was she like before? Aged 15-18? During GCSE's and A'levels. Friendship problems, over sensitive, boyfriends. Does she have any SN, any anxiety issues. This is gonna sound harsh to you, but if she doesn't have very good coping mechanisms and relies heavily on you, why haven't you addressed this before, talked to her about this before?

She's always had a wide and happy circle of friends. She's not very experienced with boyfriends a lot of that to do with covid, her anxiety definitely got worse over covid but she seemed a lot better until yesterday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:43

I'm not sure why you think I haven't addressed any anxieties before?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:44

Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:39

I think this is an unnecessarily complicated and tortuous way to look at it.

Show quote history

If you want to have a go because for some reason you are triggered by me wanting some relaxation on my afternoon off then please don't try and dress it up as some deep psychological truth.

OP posts:
C4ou56 · 03/03/2023 11:46

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:19

She is dyslexic but I don't think that explains anything! She's just a huge (whatever the correct psychological description of a drama queen is!)

I really want her to learn to draw on herself and her inner strength. I have another dd who is completely different and would be very sad but would throw herself into friends and work

Show quote history

It sounds like she’s more than dyslexic and also suffers from rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 11:47

I meant that you yourself said she didn't have very good coping strategies. And relied heavily on you.

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2023 11:48

OP, you sound great, your DD sounds normal if not on the high-emotion side - and if you’re ‘a bit too resilient’ because of your background then it probably seems more alien. But I reckon a weekend home from uni just after a breakup is totally 100% normal and I would treat it as such. Sushi, chocolate, hugs, then carry on. She just needs a bit of TLC then a gentle shove back out there. Enjoy the garden. Flowers

ZeldaB · 03/03/2023 11:48

When I was at uni age 19 a guy I adored dumped me after a month together. I thought he was The One. I cried for most of 3 days but it never occurred to me to tell my parents or upset them with it.

Your DD needs to toughen up! Asking you to collect her is ridiculous. If she needs to get a train and can’t stop crying, she cries on the train 🤷‍♀️ but better yet she should stay at uni and get on with her work.

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 11:49

She's dyslexic. Has anxiety. That's enough! Then she's not NT. She'll need extra special work, by you, by counsellors, at Uni, to put into place coping strategies.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:50

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2023 11:48

OP, you sound great, your DD sounds normal if not on the high-emotion side - and if you’re ‘a bit too resilient’ because of your background then it probably seems more alien. But I reckon a weekend home from uni just after a breakup is totally 100% normal and I would treat it as such. Sushi, chocolate, hugs, then carry on. She just needs a bit of TLC then a gentle shove back out there. Enjoy the garden. Flowers

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 11:52

If you want to have a go because for some reason you are triggered by me wanting some relaxation on my afternoon off then please don't try and dress it up as some deep psychological truth.

I’m not having a go, I’m saying there’s no such thing as being too supportive.
The tough love approach doesn’t actually work, it’s been proven.

You say your pissed off because you want to do gardening and have a relaxing afternoon - she doesn’t even live with you so don’t act like it’s your only chance to relax without her.

She likes to come home when she’s feeling so upset and you like to garden.
We all have different coping strategies.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:53

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 11:52

If you want to have a go because for some reason you are triggered by me wanting some relaxation on my afternoon off then please don't try and dress it up as some deep psychological truth.

I’m not having a go, I’m saying there’s no such thing as being too supportive.
The tough love approach doesn’t actually work, it’s been proven.

You say your pissed off because you want to do gardening and have a relaxing afternoon - she doesn’t even live with you so don’t act like it’s your only chance to relax without her.

She likes to come home when she’s feeling so upset and you like to garden.
We all have different coping strategies.

Well I work full time and it's dark in the Winter evenings and I have two other dcs at home so don't tend to get much time in the garden but do go on about it.

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 11:55

Well I work full time and it's dark in the Winter evenings and I have two other dcs at home so don't tend to get much time in the garden but do go on about it.

You mean like the rest of us also do?

You come across as very self absorbed.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 11:57

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 11:55

Well I work full time and it's dark in the Winter evenings and I have two other dcs at home so don't tend to get much time in the garden but do go on about it.

You mean like the rest of us also do?

You come across as very self absorbed.

And you come across as fixated on my gardening/desire to relax. Maybe we should agree to disagree?

OP posts:
JLQ1020 · 03/03/2023 12:00

I think let her get the train and meet her off the train. Plan a girly weekend to help.
But talk to her about how she needs to develop coping mechanisms when life throws a curve ball.

I will say I have 2 sisters exactly like this 1 is in late 40s and one in late 30s and they are still like this. Still relying on mum to fix all their problems, screaming hysterics the works. Both have mental health problems that they do not acknowledge or deal with. Both have had social services involved with their children (I contacted them myself on several occasions as family we ran out of ways to support) it's awful, draining for the whole family.

Also if she insists she leave uni I would tell her she cannot make a decision as serious as that while she is so emotional. If in a few months when she is in a better place she wants to leave then discuss it then.

I read somewhere never quit on a bad day, quit on a good day that way you know if you really want to.

IneedanewTV · 03/03/2023 12:02

Drama queen is appropriate. I’m sorry but at times there is just too much drama and fuss. It is draining to those of us around these types. Everything is a drama there is no criteria. Everything.

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 12:02

And you come across as fixated on my gardening/desire to relax. Maybe we should agree to disagree?

No I’m not.
I’m saying that I don’t agree with some posters ‘tough love’ approach as there is no such thing as too supportive.

I was pointing out that that is how you choose to cope with things and your DD chooses to cope by coming home.

There is no right or wrong answer as everyone’s different.

notthisagainforest · 03/03/2023 12:03

I would go and get her and bring her home for the weekend

MintyCedric · 03/03/2023 12:19

I think you’ve pitched your response brilliantly.

Hope you have a good few days together and she goes back with her positive head on and moves on.

JussathoB · 03/03/2023 12:21

bumpytrumpy · 03/03/2023 11:31

Think about these questions.

Getting her some therapy may be a great gift for her. An investment in a balanced future.

Show quote history

Nothing wrong with therapy but I’m not sure a 19 year old girl who’s upset about her boyfriend and wants to be collected actually warrants therapy.
just respond to this drama and give some encouragement.
People seem to always want to draw big conclusions…. Often things are just a step along the road, not a categorical disaster

marykay1 · 03/03/2023 12:24

Tell her he is NOT the one if NOT it would have lasted more than a month! Let her talk: Just listen! Then, very firmly tell her in kind words to get over it!!!

JussathoB · 03/03/2023 12:27

I suppose I’m just thinking the situation your DD is in is not that unusual.
I find as our DC become adults and the years pass, I get a bit mixed over responding when they have problems. On the one hand I love and support them and really want to help. On the other hand, worrying about their problems can be quite draining, and as I get older, doing practical things to help gets more tiring.