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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd's new bf broke up with her - wants to leave uni - help me parent!

156 replies

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:01

She wants me to pick her up today as she's 'too much of a mess to get on the train' her words. She's been texting me all night and I'm knackered. I feel really sorry for her but she had only been with him for a month. She has a good group of girl friends looking out for her. The uni is a 2 hour drive away. I will go and collect her later on but is it normal for parents to do this- my own mum was an alcoholic and never there for any of us so I'm a bit shit at judging what's the right thing to do. She's saying she wants to leave uni altogether! She's 19 and only ever had two boyfriends both of whom have split up from her. Wise words needed! Dh is saying she needs to just learn how to cope herself and get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:38

Eevvee · 03/03/2023 08:32

I'll be blunt. You say yourself you don't know how to emotionally parent. Is she doing this for your attention? She sounds like she needs some validation and emotional warmth from her parents.

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I didn't say I don't know how to emotionally parent. I said I think I'm a bit shit at it - as in I lack confidence.

OP posts:
Perpendicular3562 · 03/03/2023 08:38

I remember being 19 and the intensity and pressure of relationships at that age. I think she’s really young still and probably just needs her mum. I would let her come home for the weekend (train or lift is fine) and spoil her and let her rant, and then take her back Sunday night, no way would she be missing any more time at uni than that. But I do think she’s very young still and would benefit from your support. If she wanted to stay with her friends she would do that surely? She’s asked for her mum.

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 08:40

God my mum would always have come and got me (and did!) if I was that upset. You always need your mum, I still do age 33 (yes I know she won't be around forever).

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:43

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 08:40

God my mum would always have come and got me (and did!) if I was that upset. You always need your mum, I still do age 33 (yes I know she won't be around forever).

Did she work at all? Or would she have literally left work to get you?

OP posts:
WMH · 03/03/2023 08:43

Parent of DD in 2nd yr at uni here.

I think your DD needs to come home for the weekend for a bit of a break from the situation, calm down a bit and be able to see a way forward. But you should NOT go and get her, if she really wants/needs home she should make her own way. She needs to take some adult responsibility here.
Just tell her you be had a terrible migraine but let you know what time train gets in snd you'll get her at the station

And I would absolutely be going with the line of no boy gets to ruin your future by having you quit Uni over them!

hennybeans · 03/03/2023 08:48

I’m more on your dh’s side with this. She needs to learn how to cope and be resilient, there are a lot of upsets in life.

i would let her take the train home for the weekend and keep her company, take her out, but let her know she will be expected to go back at the end of the weekend. Let her talk about her feelings but keep upbeat, remind her she won’t feel this way forever, ask about her friends/studies/hobbies to get her mind on something else. She will feel like shit this weekend, but really it’s a small blip in life and worse will happen. Better she learns to rely on herself to cope when things don’t go her way.

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 08:48

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:43

Did she work at all? Or would she have literally left work to get you?

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She'd have left work. In fact I remember her doing just that when my own boyfriend broke up with me at uni. She took emergency family leave. I know several people who have done similar, including at my own job - a member of my own team, the other week.

gogohmm · 03/03/2023 08:48

I've done late night dashes to collect dd, it's working out when they are being drama queens and when they are genuinely in distress that is hard. My dd has significant mental health issues and is autistic so everything affects her more dramatically. You need to follow your gut, personally I would, if you can, go and visit her on Sunday, spend a few hours then leave her there, this has worked well for us - thankfully it's closer though

saraclara · 03/03/2023 08:48

In the kindest possible way she is never going to learn coping strategies if you're always there to pick up the pieces and 'fix' her problems.

That. I can't believe you were up all night with her texting you.

To be honest, I suspect that if she comes home for the weekend, you'll have trouble getting her back on Monday. She'll use the break to convince herself not to go back to uni.

She's much better getting support from her friends up there

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:49

Thank you. I will text her and say she needs to get the train home then we can make more of a fuss of her. Dh and I are going out to a friends birthday party on Sat night though! Dd2 will have to be the emotional support !

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:50

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 08:48

She'd have left work. In fact I remember her doing just that when my own boyfriend broke up with me at uni. She took emergency family leave. I know several people who have done similar, including at my own job - a member of my own team, the other week.

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I definitely wouldn't do that for a month old boyfriend.

OP posts:
UniversalTruth · 03/03/2023 08:55

Interesting that she is dyslexic - look up rejection sensitivity and tips for managing this. More common in neurodiverse people.

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 08:55

I would pick her up and say 'let's have a relaxing weekend and we can talk about anything serious on Sunday'.

The thing to do is get her past the initial drama period.

You have to care for your kids in order to teach them how to care for themselves. So show her how to deal with this - a day (or two) of hysterical weeping, a couple of days licking her wounds and then a longer period of drying her tears and then trying to get back on her feet sounds pretty normal to me.

Obviously leaving uni because of this would be mad - do NOT discuss that until she has had a few good weeping sessions and calmed down.

TeeBee · 03/03/2023 08:55

Oh, I didn't get much parenting either OP so maybe that colours my reaction too. But I'm not sure you can be too resilient. The world is a tough, tough place right now. Some teenagers today fall apart if a leaf blows off a tree. I'd be encouraging resilience, it's a hard characteristic to find, and an essential one if they're going to withstand the things life throws at them.

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 08:56

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:50

I definitely wouldn't do that for a month old boyfriend.

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For me it would not be about the length of the relationship but how upset my DD was.

When I was in my early 20s I had a relationship end after a similar amount of time that had been short but intense, and I was so upset I ended up on anti depressants. With hindsight it was the last straw in a whole bunch of other things but it was the trigger.

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 08:57

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:50

I definitely wouldn't do that for a month old boyfriend.

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Do NOT say this to her.

You said you had an alcoholic parent who was not there for you so probably were 'tougher' because you had not had appropriate emotional support.

It is actually good that your DD wants to speak to you. A safe home to come back to when problems arise is a source of strength.

You come home, regroup, go back into battle.

Candleabra · 03/03/2023 08:57

A break from the uni break up situation sounds like a good plan. Coming home is fine. Lift is not, let her get the train. I wouldn’t lie and say you have a migraine either. Does she know you have a nice day planned? Kids can be selfish sometimes, and just think their parents exist to service their needs.

Haffdonga · 03/03/2023 08:58

Is there any coincidence that timing-wise she will just be coming up to end of year exams?
Quitting uni after a 1 month relationship seems a massive overreaction (or handy excuse?) so I'd be using the weekend with her to get to the bottom of what's really going on.
Has she been attending lectures? Are her grades ok? Is she enjoying he course?

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 08:58

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 08:57

Do NOT say this to her.

You said you had an alcoholic parent who was not there for you so probably were 'tougher' because you had not had appropriate emotional support.

It is actually good that your DD wants to speak to you. A safe home to come back to when problems arise is a source of strength.

You come home, regroup, go back into battle.

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I completely agree with you.

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 08:59

TeeBee · 03/03/2023 08:55

Oh, I didn't get much parenting either OP so maybe that colours my reaction too. But I'm not sure you can be too resilient. The world is a tough, tough place right now. Some teenagers today fall apart if a leaf blows off a tree. I'd be encouraging resilience, it's a hard characteristic to find, and an essential one if they're going to withstand the things life throws at them.

I think you misunderstand resilience.

Resilience is:
-get upset
-regroup
-start again

It is NOT
-ignore feelings and plough on

Lamelie · 03/03/2023 08:59

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 08:48

She'd have left work. In fact I remember her doing just that when my own boyfriend broke up with me at uni. She took emergency family leave. I know several people who have done similar, including at my own job - a member of my own team, the other week.

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That’s not a healthy dynamic.

BellePeppa · 03/03/2023 09:00

If she’s a drama queen it’s probably why both bf’s left. Be supportive but she needs a bit of tough love re coping mechanisms otherwise you are going to be at her beck and call for decades to come. Maybe her dad should spend some time with her and give her some loving but firm guidance on less of the drama queen antics now she’s an ‘adult’. She may take more notice of his no-nonsense approach.

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:00

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 08:59

I think you misunderstand resilience.

Resilience is:
-get upset
-regroup
-start again

It is NOT
-ignore feelings and plough on

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Yes, the whole stiff upper lip thing is so bad for mental health in the long run. It's OK to feel your feels, it's OK to be sad and express sadness (whether or not people think your reaction is proportionate or not!).

Crabo · 03/03/2023 09:01

A boyfriend of a month! Come on! She needs to grow up and get on with life. Concentrate on her uni course and not bother about such relationships that are just a distraction at her age. A good sensible sympathetic talking to by mum needed not to ruin her life because of some a-hole who has broken up with her

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:03

Lamelie · 03/03/2023 08:59

That’s not a healthy dynamic.

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Isn't it? I have my own life, my DH and DC, my own life in a city a few hours away from DM now, I speak to her a few times a week, we are still very close. If I'm upset about something I will usually speak to her about it (after DH), she's interested in my life but not over involved. Tell me what's unhealthy about that? Seems a much more healthy relationship than most other people I know have with their mothers. I know some on MN think at 18 you move out and then basically have nothing to do with your parents again though.