Dd's new bf broke up with her - wants to leave uni - help me parent!

[Dredel]

She wants me to pick her up today as she's 'too much of a mess to get on the train' her words. She's been texting me all night and I'm knackered. I feel really sorry for her but she had only been with him for a month. She has a good group of girl friends looking out for her. The uni is a 2 hour drive away. I will go and collect her later on but is it normal for parents to do this- my own mum was an alcoholic and never there for any of us so I'm a bit shit at judging what's the right thing to do. She's saying she wants to leave uni altogether! She's 19 and only ever had two boyfriends both of whom have split up from her. Wise words needed! Dh is saying she needs to just learn how to cope herself and get on with it.

I think poster may have been referring to the hysterics. The constant texting, the talk of wanting to leave uni, the need to be picked up.

She’s an adult. She may be young still, but the reality is that breakups happen to everyone they’re a right of passage, and if she’d only been with this one a month she needs to learn a bit of resilience before she gets into another relationship.

It’s entirely possible that her over emotional neediness is what caused her boyfriend to end the relationship if she’s that high maintenance, so a bit of tough love can only be a good thing.

This…
yes she needs to learn…. But she’s barely an adult, and I remember being that age, breaking up with a guy after 2 weeks!!! And being a mess
i had to lean on friends- made my friendships stronger- but I sort of would have wanted my parents to understand (mentally I was still a teen)
don’t go and drive, but pick her up, give her a weekend to wallow, make it a nice weekend, and then off she goes
it’s ok that you’re her support system- just start working on being part of it, not the only one

A boyfriend of a month and she wants to leave university over it?
Come on, I'd be telling her she's being over dramatic id support her but the university thing she needs telling. Why fuck up your life plans for someone she's seen for 5 seconds? Not even serious at that point and they wouldn't even know each other properly.

LetThemEatTurnips...did you even read my original message to OP? I suggested picking her up, letting her come home, indulging in feelings for a short time, regrouping then carrying on. I didn't mention ignoring feelings but letting them out. But no good is to be had from wallowing in them forever though. Feel them completely and then work through them.

It is NOT
-ignore feelings and plough on

No one is saying ignore her feelings but staying up all night texting and letting her daughter spiral is not helpful either.

The relationship was 4 weeks long and the OP admits her daughter is a bit of a drama queen. It sounds like she needs to take stock and work on strategies to help overcome minor bumps such as this. Instead she immediately runs to her mum, cries all night, gets into a hysterical state and makes the whole situation a huge deal which isn't an effective coping strategy.

If the OP immediately runs to fix everything how will her daughter ever learn to overcome issues.

Was going to say something similar. Why are you doing the running round and mopping up. She has two parents.

It’s good she trusts you to share her feelings. I’d say to book a hotel/Airbnb and stay together. Go out to create new memories of places so that she thinks I was there with my mum not her ex. Get her to sign up to some sports or other team clubs at uni. Step by step to help her make new friends. Say that you’ll be back to visit her in a week or so. She knows you’re on her side and that’s so important in fragile moments. If you think she needs a therapist then ask her to talk to the student support services. It might be good in any case for her to contact this help service.

TBH even using the phrase "drama queen" shows you don't take her feelings seriously. It's belittling IMO.

The texting has happened now, I would have dealth with that differently but it is done.

I have said I would collect go to collect my child if I could (which the OP can) and have a relaxed weekend.

There is talk of lying about a migraine to get out of doing it? That is really quite a weird thing to do, the OP needs to model honesty and not manipulation if they want their child to be honest and not manipulative.

My parents would not have driven up to pick me up for the weekend. I would have got the train or coach and they would have picked me up from a station. She needs to learn to cope and that you are not free to just drop everything on this occasion.

Oh uni boyfriends. That can be rough, even after a month as it’s all so public at uni and hard to avoid them if you do split up. When I went home crying to my mum after being dumped (after 2.5 years!) she said ‘I don’t think you’ll be single for long’. At first I found that a bit dismissive but it helped me hold my head up and get back out there - and she was right!

The therapist isn't a bad idea actually. She's already doing a a sport and is a member of a few societies. She's a really bright, sociable kid. Just all the drama!

She is getting the train!

I really did have a migraine yesterday tbh. She is getting the train. Time to drive to the supermarket for sushi and chocolate.

I agree with this comment.

Children often get more dramatic when they have parents/carers who do not listen to feelings. If you listen to feelings early, issues get resolved more easily/quickly. So many problems worsen because parents try to bat them away for too long.

When someone gets labelled a drama queen by their parents, it suggests the parent doesn't want to engage.

I did ask for the correct psychological name for it if you know it?

Hope she's alright and you have a nice weekend OP. My son is the same age, and away at Uni, reading this thread with interest as I don't know what I'd do in that scenario!

Apologies if I misunderstood about the migraine.

I hope she feels better after a bit of support. breaking up with people can be really upsetting.

I went to uni in my home town and remember walking my best mate across town in a similar situation. DM fed her ice cream, white wine and tucked her up in the spare room overnight. The next day was all much better. Her reaction, whilst difficult, strikes me as fairly normal (my friend would have gone home or her DM would have come up if there hadn’t been my DM on hand). So great that she’s coming home but I’d be fairly bright and breezy about the whole thing.

(I am purposely burying how melodramatic I was about break ups at that age…I’m very surprised I have any friends left from that era…they were all very tolerant).

I had my heart broken at nineteen after a four month relationship with someone I was besotted with. I leant on my friends as I was so devastated but I didn’t even let on to my parents that it was a big deal. It’s great that your daughter can do that but at nineteen (back in the 70s) I was a fully functioning adult and the idea of acting like an incapacitated drama queen with my parents would have been completely alien to me. Having said that I know full well I’d be totally there for my young adult son as much as he needed me if his relationship broke up and he was devastated as we have a much closer dynamic than I had with my own parents. But he wouldn’t get my support in leaving Uni because of it. Your dd would deeply regret that in years to come (I left uni for a guy!!!😫 whose face I can’t even remember!!)

I would go and fetch her.
I would rather my dd be a drama queen when she is stressed and upset than keeping it locked away, putting on a brave face and self harming when it gets too much. If a young person gives a cry for help it's because they need you. The fact that your dd vocalises it is actually a good thing.
Having her home and feeling safe for a few days will help her a lot. It might be worth a doctors appointment to see if there is anything that triggers the dramatic behaviour. Sometimes pms can trigger anxiety.

The point is it's not up to you to decide if her problem is worthy of being upset or not. At what point does the level of upset become acceptable? After a 3 month relationship? 6 months? A year?

I went through a similar drama at uni. Went home for a week (got the train), stayed home for a week, went back and got on with it.

I would suggest going up to see her and take her out for lunch rather than bringing her home.

I think you are coming at this at a strange angle. Dd is coming home, I'm buying all her favourite things to eat and we'll chat about it.

Your response OP is perfectly reasonable. A parent taking emergency leave from work for their adult daughter's 4wk "boyfriend" break up is batshit.

Get her to watch Legally Blonde and see if that helps model how you handle a break up! 😂

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She doesn't need a psychological label - unless there is a massive drip feed here.

You do sound a touch cold and detached - you were pissed off because you wanted to plant some plants!