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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd's new bf broke up with her - wants to leave uni - help me parent!

156 replies

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:01

She wants me to pick her up today as she's 'too much of a mess to get on the train' her words. She's been texting me all night and I'm knackered. I feel really sorry for her but she had only been with him for a month. She has a good group of girl friends looking out for her. The uni is a 2 hour drive away. I will go and collect her later on but is it normal for parents to do this- my own mum was an alcoholic and never there for any of us so I'm a bit shit at judging what's the right thing to do. She's saying she wants to leave uni altogether! She's 19 and only ever had two boyfriends both of whom have split up from her. Wise words needed! Dh is saying she needs to just learn how to cope herself and get on with it.

OP posts:
Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:22

Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:20

I think you are coming at this at a strange angle. Dd is coming home, I'm buying all her favourite things to eat and we'll chat about it.

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For me it's the way you speak about her that I find odd. Not just you, many others on this thread too.

butterfliedtwo · 03/03/2023 09:22

Dredel · 03/03/2023 08:09

She is lovely but she's constant drama. She seems to have very few coping mechanisms apart from me, which is odd as she has loads of friends

It's not odd if you're feeding into her drama. Your husband is right. She does need to learn to cope with life. If not now then when?

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:23

RedCarsGoFaster · 03/03/2023 09:21

Your response OP is perfectly reasonable. A parent taking emergency leave from work for their adult daughter's 4wk "boyfriend" break up is batshit.

Get her to watch Legally Blonde and see if that helps model how you handle a break up! 😂

media.tenor.com/YLE_oMNIShkAAAAM/law-school-harvard-law.gif

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It's not "batshit" if the DD is extremely distressed. I'm sorry that you think it is. However, it is certainly symptomatic of the buttoned up keep calm and carry on mentality which is such a major contributing factor to the appalling state of general mental health in this country.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:25

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:22

For me it's the way you speak about her that I find odd. Not just you, many others on this thread too.

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Oh well, sorry. She's a lovely girl and we get on well if that reassures you. It's a fine line between sympathy and affirmation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:26

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:23

It's not "batshit" if the DD is extremely distressed. I'm sorry that you think it is. However, it is certainly symptomatic of the buttoned up keep calm and carry on mentality which is such a major contributing factor to the appalling state of general mental health in this country.

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Do you have a teen dd?

OP posts:
RedCarsGoFaster · 03/03/2023 09:27

@Eponeen I'm sorry, you've obviously been through some shit was handled badly. Haven't we all. However, hysteria and threateningly to leave uni is demonstrative of a total lack of resilience and over reaction to normal and basic life issues, and resilience is essential for survival. She's 19, not 9. She's at university. She's in sexual adult relationships. After 4wks of shagging which has come to an end, you don't try to leave university, you learn how to crack on a bit.

It's the extremes of both ends which are unhealthy and taking parental leave for this is ludicrous and unhealthy by the parent.

maddy68 · 03/03/2023 09:27

I would say to her to stay there. You will go and visit her at the weekend and bring wine and go for dinner x

MyLittlePonyWellies · 03/03/2023 09:28

I would go and get her if possible, as you don't know how bad she might be until you see her. That would be my thoughts. However, if you've got a migraine and / or are at work I can understand why you wouldn't go. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to that part.

Re leaving uni entirely; this might sound a bit...mercenary, but for me this would depend a bit on what the course is and which uni it is. If it's a 'just for the uni experience and to say I've got a degree of some sort' type course, I wouldn't deter her from leaving. If it's something you need a degree from and / or a top uni, I'd encourage her to stay. Only as, I'm not 100% convinced uni is worth the money these days. I have a humanities degree from a very good uni, and I do feel it has helped me find work in the past. However, if I'd just got a job at 19, I'd probably be in a better position career wise.

Sorry if that is a bit of a digression! It was just my initial thoughts.

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 09:28

Where people had unsatisfactory parenting, which the OP says they did as their own mother was unavailable/alcoholic, it can be hard to find the right way to parent.

The modelling was only what not to do, rather than anything helpful in terms of what to actually do.

You have to then get counselling, talk a lot or read a lot of books, or all of these, to learn what to do.

The choice between train or lift is actually a small part of this - either could be done in a supportive way or unsupportive way. There is a wide area between being too cold and being too involved.

What matters in most relationships is overall tone and respect for the child.

PacificState · 03/03/2023 09:29

Sounds like you have it in hand OP. There's a time to have a focused talk with her about resilience but it might not be right now (although a good ego-boosting 'come on, you've got this' before she goes back on Sunday might be good). Building resilience doesn't happen overnight, it's a lifelong journey for some of us (I still remember the pain when my first bf dumped me!)

Obviously I don't know you from a hole in the wall but it might be worth, when you have time to yourself, you thinking about what your experience of being parented by an alcoholic mother did to you, the things you had to do to cope with that, and how that plays into the dynamic you have with your daughter. I think for a few of us on this thread it feels likely that her emotional reactions and need to lean on you (perhaps excessively) is somehow related to your own experience of being parented. We all carry shit from our childhoods with us and it always plays out in the way we parent - it's pretty much impossible to avoid it. The trick is to notice when something is giving you a gut feeling of 'this isn't quite right' and then addressing it holistically - by which I mean considering how you might be playing into it, probably unconsciously. (That does for your DH too of course!) If you can work out what the dynamic is and where it comes from, then you can work on changing it.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:29

MyLittlePonyWellies · 03/03/2023 09:28

I would go and get her if possible, as you don't know how bad she might be until you see her. That would be my thoughts. However, if you've got a migraine and / or are at work I can understand why you wouldn't go. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to that part.

Re leaving uni entirely; this might sound a bit...mercenary, but for me this would depend a bit on what the course is and which uni it is. If it's a 'just for the uni experience and to say I've got a degree of some sort' type course, I wouldn't deter her from leaving. If it's something you need a degree from and / or a top uni, I'd encourage her to stay. Only as, I'm not 100% convinced uni is worth the money these days. I have a humanities degree from a very good uni, and I do feel it has helped me find work in the past. However, if I'd just got a job at 19, I'd probably be in a better position career wise.

Sorry if that is a bit of a digression! It was just my initial thoughts.

Thanks - it's good uni and a good course.

OP posts:
Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:29

RedCarsGoFaster · 03/03/2023 09:27

@Eponeen I'm sorry, you've obviously been through some shit was handled badly. Haven't we all. However, hysteria and threateningly to leave uni is demonstrative of a total lack of resilience and over reaction to normal and basic life issues, and resilience is essential for survival. She's 19, not 9. She's at university. She's in sexual adult relationships. After 4wks of shagging which has come to an end, you don't try to leave university, you learn how to crack on a bit.

It's the extremes of both ends which are unhealthy and taking parental leave for this is ludicrous and unhealthy by the parent.

I haven't had anything handled badly, thanks. I'm quite happy, well adjusted and able to deal with my emotions. Please do not patronise me. I do not believe taking parental leave is "ludicrous" IF the level of distress merits it. It depends on the person and situation. For me, when this happened, it was the final straw in a long list of other things. Unfortunately people's emotional intelligence is often extremely lacking.

WMH · 03/03/2023 09:30

I think as well as a bit of TLC when she's home you need to talk to her about a support network at Uni. Help her to identify who she trusts to confide in and who she can go to if she's upset about something or struggling to cope. It might be flatmate, course buddy, tutor.
As an adult she needs to form support networks beyond mum who she can lean on in different situations in life and this might be a good time to start that process.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 09:30

DH is right but I would say that she should still be welcome to come home for the weekend - on the understanding that she gets the train and fits around your plans.

She's still relatively young and I don't see an issue with her wanting some home comforts for a few days but that doesn't mean you should be driving all over to pick her up.

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:30

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 09:28

Where people had unsatisfactory parenting, which the OP says they did as their own mother was unavailable/alcoholic, it can be hard to find the right way to parent.

The modelling was only what not to do, rather than anything helpful in terms of what to actually do.

You have to then get counselling, talk a lot or read a lot of books, or all of these, to learn what to do.

The choice between train or lift is actually a small part of this - either could be done in a supportive way or unsupportive way. There is a wide area between being too cold and being too involved.

What matters in most relationships is overall tone and respect for the child.

Excellent post.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:31

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 09:30

DH is right but I would say that she should still be welcome to come home for the weekend - on the understanding that she gets the train and fits around your plans.

She's still relatively young and I don't see an issue with her wanting some home comforts for a few days but that doesn't mean you should be driving all over to pick her up.

This is now exactly what is happening- thank you.

OP posts:
Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:31

Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:26

Do you have a teen dd?

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No, but I have two teen half sisters I'm very close to (particularly as neither of their parents are very interested in them).

Ragwort · 03/03/2023 09:32

LetThemEatTurnips but why shouldn't the OP have been looking forward to having a day to herself and doing something she wants which might well be planting plants. It's so often assumed that mothers shouldn't have any time to themselves and need to martyr themselves for their DC. And adult DC are well known for not accepting that their parents have a life of their own and aren't available 'on tap' ... see numerous threads on expecting DGPs to do childcare.

I can understand the OP's disappointment and frustration .. I too have a DC at Uni and it's a difficult balance between being supportive/available and encouraging independence.

Lamelie · 03/03/2023 09:35

Eponeen · 03/03/2023 09:03

Isn't it? I have my own life, my DH and DC, my own life in a city a few hours away from DM now, I speak to her a few times a week, we are still very close. If I'm upset about something I will usually speak to her about it (after DH), she's interested in my life but not over involved. Tell me what's unhealthy about that? Seems a much more healthy relationship than most other people I know have with their mothers. I know some on MN think at 18 you move out and then basically have nothing to do with your parents again though.

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We might have got lost in quotes etc.
The not healthy dynamic was in reference to a parent taking emergency leave for kids at university with heartbreak etc.
My dc are in their twenties, live away from home and call me Smother (for mother) message most days and I see them somewhere between weekly and monthly and we have regular holidays together. Painting a picture of a very involved mother who’s dcs are independent and hold boundaries. Wink

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 09:35

Ragwort · 03/03/2023 09:32

LetThemEatTurnips but why shouldn't the OP have been looking forward to having a day to herself and doing something she wants which might well be planting plants. It's so often assumed that mothers shouldn't have any time to themselves and need to martyr themselves for their DC. And adult DC are well known for not accepting that their parents have a life of their own and aren't available 'on tap' ... see numerous threads on expecting DGPs to do childcare.

I can understand the OP's disappointment and frustration .. I too have a DC at Uni and it's a difficult balance between being supportive/available and encouraging independence.

I am no bloody martyr, but it would not occur to me to be pissed off if my adult kids asked for my help. They ask when it is needed and I am happy with the amount they ask. I have lots of time to myself and my kids are very independent, but I love them and they love me so when shit happens, they come home.

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:35

Ragwort · 03/03/2023 09:32

LetThemEatTurnips but why shouldn't the OP have been looking forward to having a day to herself and doing something she wants which might well be planting plants. It's so often assumed that mothers shouldn't have any time to themselves and need to martyr themselves for their DC. And adult DC are well known for not accepting that their parents have a life of their own and aren't available 'on tap' ... see numerous threads on expecting DGPs to do childcare.

I can understand the OP's disappointment and frustration .. I too have a DC at Uni and it's a difficult balance between being supportive/available and encouraging independence.

Thank you! I'm a firm believer that you "can't pour from an empty cup", so my afternoon in the garden benefits everyone in the family in different ways.

OP posts:
mushroom3 · 03/03/2023 09:36

Is there something else behind the threat to leave university? Is she a first year, it's about the time that first semester exam results are released. Has she failed/done badly in some?

Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:38

mushroom3 · 03/03/2023 09:36

Is there something else behind the threat to leave university? Is she a first year, it's about the time that first semester exam results are released. Has she failed/done badly in some?

Good spot! She did really well in all except one. She seemed pretty sanguine about it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:39

She has just said she needs to be back by Wednesday for a seminar, thank god

OP posts:
LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 09:39

mushroom3 · 03/03/2023 09:36

Is there something else behind the threat to leave university? Is she a first year, it's about the time that first semester exam results are released. Has she failed/done badly in some?

This is a good point and is part of the reason I would want to be supportive at this early stage - the DD is in the highest risk time for dropping out. Having strong support from home helps people with staying in Uni. Those who are required to 'just get on with it' are actually qute likely to leave as they feel they have to choose one or the other.