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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD1 (17) and DH had a 'scuffle' last night

176 replies

MerryMarigold · 25/02/2023 16:35

I feel sad and overwhelmed. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. DS1 and Dh had an argument about the cat late last night, about 11.30pm. Dh let the cat out and wouldn't allow DS to let him back in as if the cat's in overnight he sometimes poos on the sofa, which is really disgusting. If the cat is out, he scratches on DS's window to come back in (DS struggles to sleep so it wakes him up and he has to get up to let him in, which he's not happy about). Hence arguing about whether he should be in or out.

Cue DS screaming and shouting at Dh and getting in his personal space. Then Dh shouting back. I was in bed already but I could hear it. It's not that unusual (DS loses it at times, I'm fairly sure there are issues but he masks well at school. He's broken his own hand in the past punching a wall). Dh was exhausted: very, very long day (including dropping DS1 to bowling and picking him up earlier in the evening). Dh pushed DS away from him. Must have been quite a hard push because DS was on the floor (so he told me) and then DS kicked Dh in the balls. I think at that point Dh walked away because that was it. I was not aware of any of this until this morning. I just heard the shouting stop and was grateful. Dh is now not speaking to ds1. He said he's still physically in pain.

It's such a mess. They have a pretty bad relationship as it is. What's an outsider's perspective on this?

OP posts:
Xrays · 25/02/2023 16:40

What a mess. I feel sorry for the cat too. 😳

Your dh shouldn’t have pushed ds. He’s the adult and the one who should be in control. He set a bad example by shouting and pushing. He should apologise. If your Ds has additional needs (as my own son does so I appreciate it’s difficult) then your dh needs to understand this and try to minimise stress points - getting in his personal space and allowing the cat to wake him at night isn’t fair.

Xrays · 25/02/2023 16:41

But yes your ds was wrong to kick dh.

Candymay · 25/02/2023 16:44

I’m more concerned about the cat. Poor thing. If he’s pooing on the sofa that’s a sign that something is very wrong. Does he have a clean litter tray and is he normally in stressful situations such as the one you describe? Your husband wants to put the cat outside for the night. Then scuffles with his son. He sounds like a buffoon. But as I said- I’m much more concerned for the poor cat. He doesn’t have the options that you have.

Xrays · 25/02/2023 16:45

Candymay · 25/02/2023 16:44

I’m more concerned about the cat. Poor thing. If he’s pooing on the sofa that’s a sign that something is very wrong. Does he have a clean litter tray and is he normally in stressful situations such as the one you describe? Your husband wants to put the cat outside for the night. Then scuffles with his son. He sounds like a buffoon. But as I said- I’m much more concerned for the poor cat. He doesn’t have the options that you have.

Yes these were my immediate thoughts too. Very distressing for the cat.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 25/02/2023 16:45

Thanks. I agree - and I feel sorry for the cat too. Ds did get up to let him in so he wasn't out all night. Cat won't use the litter tray though (🤔 maybe I should put it on the sofa).

Should I do anything? Let them get over it? Intervene?

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 25/02/2023 16:47

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Singleandproud · 25/02/2023 16:48

You need to work out an alternative for the cat a cat flap or something to protect the sofa or put a litter tray in the living room over night or a bedroom swap for DS so he gets sleep and isn't disturbed.

Of course DS shouldn't of kicked DH but he lashed out, his brain isn't properly developed and when an adult is the cause of escalating the situation they have to take responsibility.

Xrays · 25/02/2023 16:48

Can you shut the room to the sofa? Wash the sofa cushions so it doesn’t smell - often cats will mark / soil the same areas again and again due to the smell?

I know this is a small part of your post but I think finding a solution to that would help long term.

Candymay · 25/02/2023 16:51

My cat sleeps in my arms all night. With a heated blanket. He has me up before 6am every day and I’m not a morning person. But I’m his person and I love him more than words can describe. I’ve not had a full night’s sleep since I got him 13 years ago. But he’s my baby and my responsibility and I love every little whisker.
I would have been worried about the cat. Not the two buffoons fighting.

MissyB1 · 25/02/2023 16:51

Cat flap.
And as your ds has form for an aggressive temper I would suggest anger management treatment for him.

Dillydallydilly · 25/02/2023 16:52

So if possible, get a cat flap. Realise maybe not possible for lots of reasons (we can’t have one in our current house and it’s a PITA) but sounds like a major point of stress in general in your house that could maybe be quite easily fixed.

Also realise it’s not the point of the post.

Clearly they’re both in the wrong. I agree with PP though that DH is the adult and shouldn’t have started the physical altercation. DH should definitely apologise. DS should then be encouraged to apologise as kicking in the balls is pretty unpleasant, as is any form of violence against family members. But DH needs to take the first step and be the adult here, and not do it again.

SittingNextToIt · 25/02/2023 16:53

I don’t much care about the two thugs here but why the fuck do you keep a cat that you may/may not leave out on a February night? WTF. Re home the cat.

Candymay · 25/02/2023 16:55

SittingNextToIt · 25/02/2023 16:53

I don’t much care about the two thugs here but why the fuck do you keep a cat that you may/may not leave out on a February night? WTF. Re home the cat.

Thank goodness others feel like I do

SittingNextToIt · 25/02/2023 16:56

Candymay · 25/02/2023 16:51

My cat sleeps in my arms all night. With a heated blanket. He has me up before 6am every day and I’m not a morning person. But I’m his person and I love him more than words can describe. I’ve not had a full night’s sleep since I got him 13 years ago. But he’s my baby and my responsibility and I love every little whisker.
I would have been worried about the cat. Not the two buffoons fighting.

❤️ me too. We got our pup first and then DC1 arrived and then DC2 arrived. They are 3 and 7 now and dog is 8. Everyone told us dog would become inconsequential to us once DC1 arrived but bloody hell. We love furball with a fierce love and she sleeps bundled up with us, and both DC cannot imagine her suffering one minute. The notion that 2 of them are fighting because 1) one wants to shut the family pet out all night and 2) the other is bothered about letting it back in when it begs is so distressing. Fuck that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/02/2023 16:56

Candymay · 25/02/2023 16:51

My cat sleeps in my arms all night. With a heated blanket. He has me up before 6am every day and I’m not a morning person. But I’m his person and I love him more than words can describe. I’ve not had a full night’s sleep since I got him 13 years ago. But he’s my baby and my responsibility and I love every little whisker.
I would have been worried about the cat. Not the two buffoons fighting.

Dear God…

Anyway, it sounds like your son needs some support (what is he ‘masking’ at school?)

Can the cat be in the utility room or somewhere? Or can you get your son earplugs or can he change rooms. You cannot have him being woken up by the cat, especially if he’s struggling at school.

In terms of the fight - they are both at fault and will probably calm down.

But seriously sort out your son.

custardbear · 25/02/2023 16:57

Get a cat flap and resolve everyone's issues

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 25/02/2023 16:59

Inappropriate toileting in cats is a sign of distress. Have you had him vet checked for any issues?

Sometimes tray refusers just need a much bigger litter tray with the ultra clumping litter because a lot of litters are too lumpy and it’s like walking on Lego bricks for them.

Its not ok to lock a cat out all night if it wants to come in.

Greentree1 · 25/02/2023 17:00

How did DS get so disrespectful? Parents should be in charge particularly with growing teenage boys, if they think they are top dog your lives will be hell, Crack down hard now, apology, grounding, the full works, get on top of this while you still can. Next time it may be you that gets kicked or punched.

Also very sorry for the poor cat.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 25/02/2023 17:00

Xrays · 25/02/2023 16:48

Can you shut the room to the sofa? Wash the sofa cushions so it doesn’t smell - often cats will mark / soil the same areas again and again due to the smell?

I know this is a small part of your post but I think finding a solution to that would help long term.

House is open plan. I've washed the sofa with bleach (it's leather), fairy liquid and then re-polished it and waxed it. Then covered in a blanket. It still smells a bit and no one wants to sit there anymore. I don't think it's due to being upset, just needing to go and no one up to let him out. It's happened about 4x and always at night when no one around to let him out. If we get a cat flap it needs to be cut into double glazed backdoor and that's expensive.

Still, I'm glad everyone feels for the cat - as opposed to me or my 2 other children! To be honest, the cat isn't the main issue. This could just as well be about schoolwork, FIFA rage, arguing with his brother etc.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 25/02/2023 17:00

I've just had to check which board I was on, and yup, it's the teenagers board, not the cat board, so I'll attempt to answer your question op.

Firstly, I've been where you are and it's really distressing. Obviously, your DH shouldn't have pushed DS to begin with, but I think you need to make it clear that DS shouldn't have hit him in the balls either, that's a really low blow. Other than expressing disapproval to the both them, there's not a whole lot else you can do I don't think.

It's hard though, watching the people you love the most not getting on.

MyriadOfTravels · 25/02/2023 17:02

Oh fgs, the cat is nowhere near the most important issue here.

Is DH also your ds father?

And when you say ds has issues but masks well, what do you mean by that? He sounds like a very angry teen that needs support. Whatever his issues are, he needs investigated and professional support. He just can’t go round kicking people in the nuts or punching walls.

Your DH maybe should also get seen by a GP if he still in pain. He might a,so do well with learning to control himself too. Yes he was tired. Yes I get he lost it because he got triggered more easily. BUT he could also have listened to your ds re the sleep (he isn’t the one who is disturbed by the cat!). And as a family, you should have found a solution for the cat that works for EVERYONE p, not just you and your DH….

Devilledmeg · 25/02/2023 17:05

What is it with Mumsnet and all the creepy cat people

MessyJ · 25/02/2023 17:07

Cat stays in and DH learns not to shout at his son.

verdantverdure · 25/02/2023 17:09

I know this is only a small part of the solution but cat flap?

davegrohll · 25/02/2023 17:15

🤣 sorry op but it's so Mumsnet that you ask about your ds and dh and people are more concerned about the cat

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