DD1 (17) and DH had a 'scuffle' last night

[MerryMarigold]

I feel sad and overwhelmed. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. DS1 and Dh had an argument about the cat late last night, about 11.30pm. Dh let the cat out and wouldn't allow DS to let him back in as if the cat's in overnight he sometimes poos on the sofa, which is really disgusting. If the cat is out, he scratches on DS's window to come back in (DS struggles to sleep so it wakes him up and he has to get up to let him in, which he's not happy about). Hence arguing about whether he should be in or out.

Cue DS screaming and shouting at Dh and getting in his personal space. Then Dh shouting back. I was in bed already but I could hear it. It's not that unusual (DS loses it at times, I'm fairly sure there are issues but he masks well at school. He's broken his own hand in the past punching a wall). Dh was exhausted: very, very long day (including dropping DS1 to bowling and picking him up earlier in the evening). Dh pushed DS away from him. Must have been quite a hard push because DS was on the floor (so he told me) and then DS kicked Dh in the balls. I think at that point Dh walked away because that was it. I was not aware of any of this until this morning. I just heard the shouting stop and was grateful. Dh is now not speaking to ds1. He said he's still physically in pain.

It's such a mess. They have a pretty bad relationship as it is. What's an outsider's perspective on this?

I am proud to be a creepy cat person. Better than being a goady areshole or an animal hater.

Lay one of those large plastic dust sheets over the sofa before you go to bed. If the rustling doesn't put the cat off, the sofa will at least be protected from poop.

Yes, this was my thought too as you weren't there, was it a get out of my face type push away, which tho not great, is very instinctive, especially if ds was shouting too. Ds lash out wasn't good but he was probably seething also. They need to discuss a plan for cat for future, not at 11pm.

PS I hate cats (runs)

Your husband is the adult, he is also the one who escalated to physical contact by pushing your son to the floor. He could've removed himself from the situation. Yes your son's behaviour needs addressing, but your husband is primarily at fault, especially by instigating the whole situation. When the cat is locked out it wakes your son up, who you've said already has difficulty sleeping. Your husband is an arse. Maybe that's what the cats trying to tell you by defecating on the furniture.

How long has this been going on? I’m getting the impression this has been having a long term effect on your son’s sleep and he’s exhausted. I’m really concerned that he’s essentially raised this and your DH is too pigheaded to care (about his welfare or the cat’s).

Fix the cat problem and you’ll fix DS’s sleep.

If someone got up in my face being aggressive I’d push them away too, he’s 17 not 3.

Frayed tempers end up with people getting snappy, sort out the cat issue, either re-home or get a cat flap, because neither your DS or DH are wrong about that, DS deserves to be able to sleep and DH deserves to have a home not covered in cat shit so.

You can't fix last night by dissecting it. You can listen to how unheard and voiceless your son feels, if I was being woken night after night I'd fight to be heard. It's not really surprising it became physical if the shut up go away you're wrong message was being dictated to him. The cat's the barometer here.
100% this lies with your son being given the space and protection he deserves. I wonder if you had this at his age? If you did you can listen from that pov, if you didn't then this is the disfunction you are unconsciously perpetuating and you need to stand up for you and him. He deserves support to sleep, everyone will calm down if he's heard. Good luck

If your husband still has pain in his balls he should seek medical attention , perhaps your son could do with some anger management or maybe family counselling .

Build the cat it's own house...or do what normal people do and get a cat flap.

Re the cat - can it have a cat flap? Or could you shut it in a room at night with a litter tray and nothing that cant be easily washed - bathroom, toilet?

But it seems the problem is more the relationship between your DS and DH. If DS gets easily wound up, can you get some therapeutic support for him. CAMHS?

Your DH needs to work out how your son triggers him and think of ways he can stop himself reacting to these and recognise the ways he can avoid triggering DS (e.g. not putting the cat out as he did, knowing DS would be annoyed). He should be thinking of relationship over behaviours which doesn't mean accepting poor behaviour, but managing it more diplomatically.

No not at all. Full time job. 6 children. Love pets and people. No one fighting on the floor. No pets or children out in the street at night. Everyone cared for on my watch.

I know that this is an oblique point of view, but open plan houses can be a nightmare.
One big shared space sounds great, but it comprises privacy, being able to get away from each other and being able to secure a certain area.
Not suggesting that you partition your home, but worth bearing in mind as a source of stress.
There is nothing wrong with a disagreement and as you said it could have been about anything, but your DH is an adult, a parent and aware of your DS’s issues.
Your DS also has a valid point, nobody wants to be disturbed in the middle of the night and your DH should be sympathetic to this and trying to find a solution, not taking an oppositional stance and pushing a teenager.

FFS, more caring about the bloody cat. Far more important issues here than than.

Ok, to clarify a few issues:

• Dh is Ds1's Dad

• Ds1 was in his face (literally) because he felt Dh was not concerned about him, I think. Dh was angry as he was shouting but he must have shoved quite aggressively for DS to fall.

• Ds1's issues I don't really know where to start with it. He gets extra time in exams for slow processing. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in Y3 but they were a bit unsure (inattentive) - would fit the emotional outbursts. He also displays many signs of ASD (on a fairly mild scale - sleeping, eating, social skills, depression) but this has not been investigated. He doesn't want to go to the GP. He doesn't want counseling. (Tried to get him to do both). CAMHS waiting lists are ridiculous. I will try again to get him to see he needs some help. He's extremely insecure.

• The cat is very much an outdoor cat. Our other cat is not and only goes out very briefly for the toilet - we let her in and out during the day and before bed and she's fine. And yes, we also have a dog. I do understand about loving pets! (Dh loves the dog, dislikes the cats). The cat in question is quite feral. He has only woken Ds1 up a couple of times wanting to come in but he's out happily for most of the day and many nights too. The last time I flea-treated him, which he hates, he didn't come home for a week! The poo on sofa has only started recently as he's been in the house more often (maybe he got chucked out of his other home! We assume he has one). Right now, he's sitting on my bed. We'll find a solution. He likes to come in/ out the bathroom window next to both of ds's rooms but then it makes their rooms very cold. I think that's the only option though and pay extra to heat their rooms.

Hopefully that's the questions answered.

If anyone has ideas of how I can help DS more I'd appreciate it.

DH- must apologise and take steps to make amends with DS
DS- must also apologise for his actions
Something of solutions for the cat but that’s another matter.

You have said that DS masks well at school and is explosive at home. DH and you should watch the Dr Ross Greene talks ok you tube and get his books to try and find a way forward.

Sounds really tough but bottoms line is that DH needs to do better.

My perspective is:

• buy one of these bed protectors for the incontent for the sofa that you can put on at nighttime.
• https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07VNDQD4Q/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

• top it with a disposable one of these incase of accident:
• https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00O0UYLA6/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

and buy a cat door

what the fuck did I just read?

It sounds like your DH just doesn't make your DS feel heard. The whole situation could have been de-escalated if DH just said "OK I hear what you're saying, let's find a solution". But your DH's answer to resolving conflict is just shouting back what he wants right back at DS. It's down to your DH to be the adult and show DS how to behave by example, starting with learning to actually listen.

What would you do then when the 17 year old almost adult hit you back?

Thank you @Bunce1, I'll look him up.

Is there anyone at school/college that DS could talk to?

This has to be a wind-up thread?
All that distress and a physical fight and people end up worrying about THE BLOODY CAT???

What is wrong with you people?

There is a lot of good advice about the husband and son. But really this cat issue is not going to resolve itself and the husband is going to be continue to be annoyed about the pooing and the son is going to continue to be upset about being sleep deprived. And them being in a bad mood about the cat problem is not going to help them going forward.