DD1 (17) and DH had a 'scuffle' last night

[MerryMarigold]

I feel sad and overwhelmed. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. DS1 and Dh had an argument about the cat late last night, about 11.30pm. Dh let the cat out and wouldn't allow DS to let him back in as if the cat's in overnight he sometimes poos on the sofa, which is really disgusting. If the cat is out, he scratches on DS's window to come back in (DS struggles to sleep so it wakes him up and he has to get up to let him in, which he's not happy about). Hence arguing about whether he should be in or out.

Cue DS screaming and shouting at Dh and getting in his personal space. Then Dh shouting back. I was in bed already but I could hear it. It's not that unusual (DS loses it at times, I'm fairly sure there are issues but he masks well at school. He's broken his own hand in the past punching a wall). Dh was exhausted: very, very long day (including dropping DS1 to bowling and picking him up earlier in the evening). Dh pushed DS away from him. Must have been quite a hard push because DS was on the floor (so he told me) and then DS kicked Dh in the balls. I think at that point Dh walked away because that was it. I was not aware of any of this until this morning. I just heard the shouting stop and was grateful. Dh is now not speaking to ds1. He said he's still physically in pain.

It's such a mess. They have a pretty bad relationship as it is. What's an outsider's perspective on this?

Putting a cat flap in double glazing isn’t that expensive. Surely you take on a pet then you take on their needs? You and your DH have caused this by not providing suitable care for your pet.

Then your DH should not be hitting, especially a child.

You and your DH should not be accepting masking at school as an excuse to not get your DS the help he needs/needed. He now won’t seek help and is old enough to probably make that decision. You and your DH should have sought help when he was younger and you could override his wishes.

Thank you. Yes, it's really hard watching them not get on. DS gets more difficult the older he gets and yet it's harder as a parent to intervene because he's 6 months away from being an adult. Last weekend Dh took him out and they had a fantastic time. I could see DS positively glowing that evening. And then a week later we are here...

I don't understand pets being put before a family's needs. I love animals very much but this cat needs to be in a house where he can function.
But teenage years are hard on everyone. They need someone to talk to and parents really need to be the grown ups. How can we expect them to behave well unless we can role model good behaviour?
But I often fail!

I think people are focusing on the cat partly because it’s such an issue between them. If you can fix that then at least you know they aren’t going to argue about that again. I think the cat flap would be a good investment.

Oh fgs, the cat is nowhere near the most important issue here.

Is DH also your ds father?

And when you say ds has issues but masks well, what do you mean by that? He sounds like a very angry teen that needs support. Whatever his issues are, he needs investigated and professional support. He just can’t go round kicking people in the nuts or punching walls.

Your DH maybe should also get seen by a GP if he still in pain. He might a,so do well with learning to control himself too. Yes he was tired. Yes I get he lost it because he got triggered more easily. BUT he could also have listened to your ds re the sleep (he isn’t the one who is disturbed by the cat!). And as a family, you should have found a solution for the cat that works for EVERYONE p, not just you and your DH….

!!THIS and then some!!!

I'll talk to him about this.

It's possible to worry about the whole situation you know. The cat is part of it.
Ffs!

What is wrong with you?

@MerryMarigold try a solution of biological washing liquid and water to stop re-soiling. Destroys the enzymes.

This

It's massively unreasonable that you expect your son to get up in the middle of the night to let your cat in, because you don't want to stump up the cash of a cat flap

I really hope your DH and DS will have calmed down and will apologise to each other. Perhaps DH will be able to begin this, or you might be able to hint to DS that his father is in pain so …. It doesn’t really matter who says sorry first
you said in one post that DH and DS had had fun together so all is not lost, hang on to the good bits.
it’s tough being 17 and being the parents of a 17 yr old sometimes. Hang on in there

Another bunch of so-called animal lovers, this time fretting about a cat.

Hope you're all vegan. If not, I'm sure you won't object to eating cats.

The cat situation is annoying so maybe seek some advice from a cat charity or something or take up the suggestion of another poster who said put cat in a different suitable room

How clever!🤦‍♀️

There is a happy middle ground that the vast majority of pet owners populate - between kicking your pet outside at night, in winter (cruel), and having your pet sleep in your arms on a heated blanket, disturbing your sleep every night for years on end (creepy, over-invested and weird).

Our cat is very much an out-all-night, in-all-day cat. We've tried keeping him in overnight when it's especially cold and he will stay in until maybe 1 am at the latest, then he's scrapping at the bed and waking us up to go out. Come wind, snow, rain hail you name it. He just doesn't like being in all night. We have, however, a space he can go. We call it his "pussy palace" 😂It's got a cat bed, and blankets, and DH even lined it with tinfoil in the winter to keep the heat in. If he comes in from his palace, he's toasty warm so he's fine. Not everybody's cats are indoor cats or stay in at night. Everyone knows cats do what suits them, not their owners. We also do not have a cat flap. He's 12 this year and still going strong.

Wash the sofa with biological washing powder which will remove the smells and he won't feel the urge to keep going in that spot. Provide him with a warm outside space like we have our cat and he will stop trying to come in at night. Should hopefully stop the cat from waking DS at night. Sounds like DS needs help with his emotions, and I actually feel sorry for DH. Sounds like he's the emotional punch bag in all this!

Yeah, I agree with this. His violent reaction is totally unacceptable but I don't blame him for being pissed off about being woken up every night.

Broken sleep is awful and teenagers really do need a lot of sleep.

I do like cats and believe pets should be loved and cared for. However in the situation OP describes they need to care for the cat in a way which is not causing stress to the teenager etc. ultimately the well-being of the DS and his parents is most important in my opinion.
please don’t call me an animal hater, I’m really not

🤣🤣🤣

Because cats are ace , while humans on the other hand frequently disappoint with their endless failures and lack of being adorable .

Sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture. You have a ds who is showing signs of being neurodivergent, struggle with sleep anyway and is now being told repeatedly that his parents insist he gets woken up nightly because the cat has messed the sofa. Following that, his dad pushes him to the floor. I would have kicked him in the nuts too if that were me!

As adults you need to sort out the cat now and stop making it your son's problem. Then maybe have a group conversation and pledge a reset to clear the air? Everyone needs a change. Tell them you need them to come with ideas for solutions.

If the cat likes to come in via the bathroom window, why not keep the bathroom door closed at night? Cat could have a bed in there.

Is it strange that after having a fight with your son your husband didn't wake you and tell you?

Well I breastfed my cat and put my baby on formula to not ruin the cats supply. Then when my husband tried to change my cat food from breast milk and custom made organic fresh daily deliveries costing £75 a day, to shop bought because we were in debt, I remortgaged the property, took out a bank loan and kicked my husband and baby out. No one comes before fluffy the kitty.

OP are you new to MN? You should never have mentioned the Cat!! Should said ‘they were arguing’ and left that bit vague 😂

Never mention animals on MN unless the issue is specifically about said animal.
Thatll become the focus everytime!

You could literally say ‘we had a house fire and everyone and our pets died’ and the responses would be ‘what pet was it? Why didn’t you teach it about fire safety? Poor pet’ ignoring said family dying. Literally!

I feel really sorry for your DS.

He already doesn’t sleep well (which affects our mood, metabolism, MH, education etc) and you and his dad would rather further interrupt his sleep rather than risk the cat poo on the sofa.

Your DS rightly wanted to bring the cat in.
DH didn’t give a shit about his feelings or the fact that he’s the one that is affected by that cat being outside.

I can guarantee that if DH was the one getting woken up that he’d have the cat in.

Your DH was also in the wrong for pushing his son.

Your son is obviously very low down on everyone’s priorities and his issues are probably a result of this.

Why not just put a washable throw on the sofa?