DD1 (17) and DH had a 'scuffle' last night

[MerryMarigold]

I feel sad and overwhelmed. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. DS1 and Dh had an argument about the cat late last night, about 11.30pm. Dh let the cat out and wouldn't allow DS to let him back in as if the cat's in overnight he sometimes poos on the sofa, which is really disgusting. If the cat is out, he scratches on DS's window to come back in (DS struggles to sleep so it wakes him up and he has to get up to let him in, which he's not happy about). Hence arguing about whether he should be in or out.

Cue DS screaming and shouting at Dh and getting in his personal space. Then Dh shouting back. I was in bed already but I could hear it. It's not that unusual (DS loses it at times, I'm fairly sure there are issues but he masks well at school. He's broken his own hand in the past punching a wall). Dh was exhausted: very, very long day (including dropping DS1 to bowling and picking him up earlier in the evening). Dh pushed DS away from him. Must have been quite a hard push because DS was on the floor (so he told me) and then DS kicked Dh in the balls. I think at that point Dh walked away because that was it. I was not aware of any of this until this morning. I just heard the shouting stop and was grateful. Dh is now not speaking to ds1. He said he's still physically in pain.

It's such a mess. They have a pretty bad relationship as it is. What's an outsider's perspective on this?

Is DH his Dad? Why did he push him - was DS getting in his face?

The cat is a red herring and the issue is the arguments between dh and ds. It is obviously not acceptable to use physical force so please bollock both of them and encourage them to attend some kind of mediation to encourage better communication if they are unable to come up with strategies themselves. Do they get on at anytime, any hobbies in common like sport etc that they could focus on?

That said you must have doors on some rooms, so stick the cat in there on a night on a bed with a washable cover.

You need to treat/clean the sofa with an enzymatic pet spills product.

Neither DH or DS behaved well.

Enzyme cleaner for the sofa, put husband out at night.

This is ridiculous. You have a cat but no cat flap so the poor cat poos on the sofa. Your solution to that is to shut the poor cat out all night in winter. As a result the poor cat wakes your poor ds up all night so he is quite rightly pissed off about that solution. Then when he loses his temper about it, your dh resorts to pushing him to the floor 😲. No wonder your ds kicked him in the balls I'm NT and I would have done the same. On top of all this you mention that you suspect your ds isn't NT so why haven't you supported him getting a diagnosis and why isn't your dh more understanding?

What you should do now is:

1. Get a cat flap or rehome the cat.
2. Get your dh to apologise to your ds for his use of physical violence. He started the violence, ds copied it so maybe ds will copy the apology too.
3. Get your ds some support, go to the gp .

😁

I think they will both be feeling bad at least I hope so.

I have 2 sons and in the teenage years both have been on very rare occasions toe to toe with DH. Boys do need a strong male role model snd your ds needs to apologise to dh for kicking him that's utterly unacceptable and you should tell him so. Special nerds absolutkry no excuse.

Probably then least said soonest mended.

Get a cat flap and cheap sofa throws or take cat to the vets for advice

None of this is good but DH pushed Ds away from him that sounds more defensive. Was he unable to get away from ds? Was ds 'going for him'?

As an aside, we have a wildlife camera. It picks up random cats all night long. Not ours. We don’t have them.

Thank goodness there are others who care as much about the animals they have chosen to have as part of their family.

And to the people talking about ‘creepy cat owners’ it’s strange to me that people who love and care for their pets can be seen as creepy. Is it creepy to care for your children? your babies? Or just animals?
and furthermore- anyone who can be cruel to an animal could likely be cruel to a human too. Especially smaller, helpless ones.

I agree with this. Unless your DH has aggressive tendencies this sounds like he was trying to de-escalate. Maybe he pushed harder than he thought or maybe DS was off balance, but I think you need to let them sort this out between themselves.

So you have two big problems - a cat that you lock out at night and therefore tries to get in, waking your ds in the process.

A ds who you suspect has some additional needs.

And to date, you have done fuck all about resolving either issue. Despite these being long term issues.

And you wonder why your dh and ds kick off. Deal with issues, don't ignore them.

For caring about animal cruelty. Wow!

I feel for your DS too. If he is masking. He was probably pushed too far.

You need serious words with DH and yes poor cat!

This behavior is not acceptable from either one. They both need anger management counselling separately.

Wow these crazy animal people are on another planet.

OP your son was in your husbands space and he pushed him away. I don’t see the problem with that at all.
Your son then retaliated very violently with a nut kick. That’s really unacceptable especially from a male who knows how that feels.

If this was my house your son would have felt the back of my hand.

As a family it sounds like you have a complex dysfunctional communication dynamic going on here. The flare-up/physical violence is an output of something that has likely been simmering away for a while.

Is family therapy an option? I don’t think this is really about the cat at all. I kind of agree with titchy, I think you’ve got some stuff here that’s been bubbling away for a while not being dealt with.

I also bristle a bit at you calling pretty aggressive pushing and a kick in the nuts a ‘scuffle’. Sounds like you’re minimising their actions. (Which could be part of the broader relational trauma.)

And yes, I think your cat toileting where you normally sit is a big stress signal too.

This! I can’t actually believe how fixated people are on the cat!

I actually think getting the cat situation sorted is important. Your DH's solution is, essentially, to not care if DS has disturbed sleep every night. That's really crap. A cat flap in double glazing is expensive, but surely you knew that when you bought the house / cat.

It sounds to me like they were both in the wrong. DH for pushing DS over, and DS for kicking. Both should apologise. And perhaps both need to seek help for anger management.

No one behaved well, but I'm more on DS's side then DH's. Your DH locking the cat out overnight is unfair to both the cat and your DS and if this is an ongoing issue then it's understandable that he's had enough. If the only obstacle to a cat flap is cost of installation, then as a family you need to prioritise saving for that, by ignoring it because it only impacts DS, you're communicating that his needs don't matter to you.

Your DH is also the one that initiated violence, your DS just retaliated, which could well have been an instinctual defence mechanism, not a thought out action. 17 year olds aren't usually light, so the push must have been quite hard if he ended up on the floor. His feet will then have been the closest thing to DH and balls height is possibly as high as he could reach from the floor. Not saying it's right, but as a panicked, split second decision when you've just been attacked and don't know if you will be again, it makes sense.

Weirdly getting a cat flap in double glazing was cheaper than in the back door where I am - about £160 vs £250.

I think your DS needs help or some sort of talking to - shouting and screaming in someone's personal space isn't a way to resolve anything. I actually think your DH was right to remove him from his personal space, your son needs to know he can't get in someone's face being aggressive. For him then to kick your DH in the balls is again further aggression that definitely needs dealing with. Especially if he's broken his own hand punching a wall before, he's got form for it too!

Your son needs to be careful - if that's how he's acting when annoyed he's going to get in trouble with the wrong people.

The fact your DH walked away from someone who screamed and shouted at him and kicked him in the balls (with the only retaliation being to push the aggressor out of his personal space) is actually bloody calm in my book!

Fight violence with more violence etc and lack of care for animals.

You sound a peach.

Hope you can all have a calm chat op.

This is a 17 year old not a 3 year old.

This. In spades.
Your cat knocks spots of the two human idiots.
Leave them to it, but look after your cat 😻

1- rehome the cat somewhere where people can afford a cat flap

2- eithet get whole family counselling, individual counselling for all of you or divorce - the situation sounds pretty toxic overall

'OP your son was in your husbands space and he pushed him away. I don’t see the problem with that at all.'

He ended up on the floor, that is more than a push it was obviously done in an aggressive way. In 'his space', so if our dc come to close we shove them to the floor. Riiiiiight.