DD1 (17) and DH had a 'scuffle' last night

[MerryMarigold]

I feel sad and overwhelmed. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. DS1 and Dh had an argument about the cat late last night, about 11.30pm. Dh let the cat out and wouldn't allow DS to let him back in as if the cat's in overnight he sometimes poos on the sofa, which is really disgusting. If the cat is out, he scratches on DS's window to come back in (DS struggles to sleep so it wakes him up and he has to get up to let him in, which he's not happy about). Hence arguing about whether he should be in or out.

Cue DS screaming and shouting at Dh and getting in his personal space. Then Dh shouting back. I was in bed already but I could hear it. It's not that unusual (DS loses it at times, I'm fairly sure there are issues but he masks well at school. He's broken his own hand in the past punching a wall). Dh was exhausted: very, very long day (including dropping DS1 to bowling and picking him up earlier in the evening). Dh pushed DS away from him. Must have been quite a hard push because DS was on the floor (so he told me) and then DS kicked Dh in the balls. I think at that point Dh walked away because that was it. I was not aware of any of this until this morning. I just heard the shouting stop and was grateful. Dh is now not speaking to ds1. He said he's still physically in pain.

It's such a mess. They have a pretty bad relationship as it is. What's an outsider's perspective on this?

@TheIsleOfTheLost

I completely agree!

I feel sorry for the cat too. Child and adult are human and can choose to live as they do, a cat can't.

Ok, just to re-clarify

1. The neglected cat has not been waking up neglected Ds1 up for nights on end. It's happened 2, max 3x.

1. The 'poor cat' enjoys being outside but sometimes wants to be in. He's not a cuddle up on a heated blanket kind of cat. We haven't been chucking him out all winter. Last night was the first night he was chucked out after we've had several sofa accidents - and Dh knows it's his turn to clean up the next one. The other times he woke DS was just that he'd returned in the middle of the night and decided he wanted to come in.

1. I have told Dh it is unreasonable to put the cat out and unreasonable to let the cat wake Ds. He agreed. We have come up with a solution of leaving the bathroom window and door open (he'll only scratch on the door if it's shut) so he can get in and out. I will give the Dses an extra blanket and DS1 has an oil radiator in his room so he can keep it on low overnight on cold nights. We'll cover the sofa in a blanket every night.

1. I will research 'the explosive child' and talk to DS again about getting help, possibly from school.

1. I will talk to Dh and Ds about apologising to each other - and to the rest of us for shouting late at night when we were sleeping. It hasn't happened yet on its own.

I'm sure you've had enough advice about the cat 🙄

As for the husband and son.... I would be incredibly angry if my husband pushed out son over. Yes your son may have been annoying your husband, but your husband is the adult. The parent. He should be in control of the situation. Not hitting his child.

Are posters being serious re the cat being out overnight? Mine is out almost every night and comes back in at 6/7am unless it’s stormy if snowing. He’s a bloody cat with fur!

OP I’d leave them too it. They are both in the wrong and can sort it out themselves.

Have you got a shed or garage that you can put a catflap on. Will not matter as much if the cat shits itself in there.

I have a 17 year old (and older dc), no matter what I would never push them or lay hands on them in any way.
If they were doing my head in/being aggressive I would walk away.

Neither behaved well but your Dh could have stopped it before it became physical by walking away.
What would he have done if this was someone at work? Pushed them?

I’m not surprised that the cat is shitting on the sofa.

🎯

That poor cat:
Put plastic sheeting over the sofa at night.

Get a cat flap installed in a side window if it would be cheaper than in the back door.

Use a big litter tray with small granules.

Maybe take to the vet in case something's wrong.

Pets are a responsibility and a duty.

Your husband:
He's the adult - he needs to act the adult and train your son. (I'm assuming he's the father). Start by role modelling how to calm down and apologise, talk like two reasonable human beings and work together to agree a kind solution for caring for the cat.

Your son:
Get him some help.
He may need counselling or medical investigations.

I love all of them and yes every hair on their head. They don’t sleep in my arms anymore because they are not little and they have their own bedrooms.

it’s a very good joke calling my cat mrs whiskerson really really clever of you well done. You’re witty and smart. You’re not at all a sad little person.

OP: There's a situation that has distressed three members of the household enough to lead to repeated shit on the sofa and an actual physical fight.

OP and some posters: Let's just let this situation continue.

Cat flap, litter tray, cover on the sofa.

I'm assuming DH is not your son's father? DH is the adult, he should not have pushed your son.

DS, I know violence isn't an answer but I totally understand his reaction.

Sounds like DS was squaring up to DH
tbh I think pushing him out of the way was last resort but honestly not sure what a else he could do
DS has already shown he has no issues with lashing out and physically hurting people

Did you read my updates? I've also asked for suggestions so if you have any, that would be helpful. Nb. The cat part is sorted.

Absolutely this! Locking a cat outside all night in these temperatures is beyond cruel.

Well it sounds as though you are addressing the cat problem, but given the price of energy you might find it cheaper to get the cat flap. And yes, I have had to out one through double glazing, not cheap but not break the bank expensive when compared to energy cost!

You may want to point out to your DH that this is his last chance to develop a good relationship with DS, once he's old enough to move out at this rate he will end with a very distant relationship.

They need to talk op. Neither has behaved brilliantly but tbh I think both of their behaviours during the argument were 'understandable' and although it sounds nasty, I really don't think you need to be awfully worried, I think they'll be able to move past it once they've calmed down.

I think your ds's behaviour (getting in your DH's face, being aggressive) was bad - but he's a teen. Kick in the balls also a big no no but it was escalating by that time.

Your DH shouldn't have pushed him, obviously. But I think the transition of teen boy to man can be difficult to navigate sometimes for a man. Ds1 is 15. Generally well behaved, not violent, no behaviour issues. BUT he's 15. Testosterone flying, hormones etc. He and DH have had a couple of blazing rows that have come from trivialities and he's also been bolshy, got right up in DH's face and personal space which he knows DH hates. It sounds silly but honestly, I feel like watching teen boys in this situation with their dad is similar to watching a nature programme about stags where the young buck is challenging the leader of the herd. You can see ds being full of it, wanting a reaction and knowing what buttons to press.

DH has walked away but has taken so long to calm down. And although he is not a violent man, he's openly admitted to me that he's had to use every inch of his willpower not to react physically and lash out. Because all of a sudden, this 15 year old 'child' that he's always looked after is now a 6ft 3 man-sized being that's eye to eye with him when he's in his face and DH's natural instinct is to physically shove/react if someone's being aggressive and in his face and just won't quit. He has to consciously remind himself 'this is a child, he's 15, this is a child' iyswim.

Anyway, summary being they need to talk in a few days when they're calm and realise that they need to work on other ways of resolving issues. If it keeps happening, possibly some counselling.

Get a catflap?

Why bother reading the thread when you can see an opportunity to make a 'witty' reply 🙄

OP, I think you should do what you think will work for your family's dynamics. I would also say, try not to tie yourself up in knots over it all too, step back a bit and know that this is their relationship and they need to sort it out between themselves to a certain extent. What I discovered after our incident, was that I had been getting in between them too much, and their relationship had not been evolving naturally.

That’s what the OP said in her first post but many have missed this. The DS was in her DH personal space no doubt in a menacing way.

Very well said. The DS is on a road to disaster and your DH behaved as he should have. If a person is aggressively in your face and shouting and screaming at you, someone who is known to have violent outbursts, what are you supposed to do? Smile, hug them? Or should you try to engage in some sort of defence to get out to safety?

Teenage son ends up on floor and people are more worried about the cat FFS!

OP I’ve been here - it’s really tough but there is NO excuse for your DH to physically push your DS.

Your DH has behaved badly, 17 year old boys can be idiots and no matter how many MNers trot out the “they’re nearly adults” mantra anyone who has lived with one knows they are more like kids.

Your DS is in a situation where he has broken sleep every night- I’m not surprised he is angry. Sort the cat out so he can sleep, tell your DH he owes DS an apology and that if he gets physical with DS again he’s out and tell DS that it would be appropriate for him to apologise once he’s received an apology.

A 17 year old boy is old enough to inflict serious harm to an adult. The OP said her son often has violent outbursts, including punching a hole in a wall. Do you think he was squaring up to his father in a calm way? The OP must not assume she will be spared from her DS’s violence.

It sounds like his has no boundaries. His violence and his tendency towards violence is escalating. Do you suppose he won’t treat his one if his siblings to his violence.

OP your son needs serious intervention.

Your DH knocked your possibly ND child to the floor. You excuse it by saying he'd had a long day. Fuck the cat, I feel terrible for your child. He might have retaliated but he only did so because his dad pushed him over.

DH needs to leave IMO and sort himself the fuck out - and all because he was too lazy to clean up after the cat.