Sil cancelled visit as our dd wants to be a man.

[Moomoola]

our lovely dd has been getting more isolated from us. On sun she left a note and ran off to her friends house for a few nights to think things through. Friend 17 is having hormones to be a man. Dd threatened the same. She wears a breast binder. They are going out together and there is much subterfuge and lies. We’ve never said anything as far as we are aware, dd onv thinks differently.
Yesterday Dh told his sister who livesabroad and she has immediately cancelled them all coming to stay tomorrow. She doesn’t want her 14 dd to be influenced as she is going out with a girl.
it’s so sudden, we’ve been excited for months. She’s telling her dd it’s due to strikes. What do I tell mine?
do I say strikes or do I tell the truth - it’s a consequence of you leaving us a note and running off.
it’s been horrible and now what should have been fun is depressing and there’s also no reason for dd to come back now when she finds out.
also what do I do with dd?!

Thankyou once
day 9. I’m not sleeping, feeling anxious all the time. Dh is the same and he hasn’t had a rest for his massive project at work next week. Maybe I go round? No longer know.

Thank you, buying the book x

I would do nothing except be with the discomfort you are feeling. Just let it be. It's so hard to sit with anxiety but so important. There is little influence you can have now. Just wait for next move.

Agree with @Onceuponawhileago it's horrible but I think going round will further 'bond' her with them vs you, and perpetuate the 'see its only us who listen to you and know what you want'.

Thanks everyone.really appreciate it.

Thanks everyone. I chatted with a therapist who said what you two just have- don’t be too eager, she knows you love accept etc, ( we’ve told her a lot anyway). don’t go round, it will be embarrassing ( I agree).
if we stop contacting her, we are no longer giving them anything to push against and in theory like you said, the gloss will wear off. Hopefully now especially the excitement of Xmas and the yucky reality of new year kicks in.
so the last text was me asking for a chat, her saying,’ I need more time’ and me saying ‘ok’ on Thursday.
haven’t contacted her since. A whole day! Feels like aeons.

we don’t know whether it’s right to change the lock? In theory we don’t want her sneaking in to get stuff and sneaking out. Presumably she’ll need her school uniform
but don’t want her to feel we’ve locked her out deliberately. We can say I lost my purse .

so tired of plotting!

Dear OP. That's great. Two things are happening:

You are playing the long game and not being reactive thus placing burden of management on other mother- exactly what she does not want. She will be the one to get your daughter out.

Secondly you are settling a little so you have better oversight and it seems self regulation. The calmer you are yourself the better this will be.

I would start to think about the boundaries you both want in place if your daughter returns. Essentially she has held your entire family to hostage so that's not allowed any longer.

Think about how you will name her? It's absolutely your right to call her what you wish.

Will you require professional intervention?

Is she allowed leave to her friend again?

She must also recognise the impact of her actions on your family- especially your son who is an innocent party. She does not get away from recognising this. Old enough to want a sex change = old enough to own her mistakes.

Etc

once upon thank you so so much for your intelligence. And your pointers on how to move forward, lots to consider that hadn’t occurred to me.

day 9 and tonight we had a ‘what are you up to ‘ text about 7. We both resisted answering. Very hard! But yes, we thought if we immediately answer she’ll feel all reassured and possibly stay longer. By not answering we hope she’s having a crap night and a bit if reality might start to creep in.

I’m so hoping she’ll be home soon.
we will of course be cocenend that she sneaks off again. Neither of us can live on eggshells like that. And no, This cannot possibly be a healthy relationship from what we’ve seen.
I don’t know how to instill boundaries. I don’t want to say,’do it again and you can bog off’ I want to say,’ leave properly with thought and preparation’
I think we do need professional guidance. I guess I will need to be very calm and explain what she’s put us through. I guess I need to understand her views too. I’d love to explain why this isn’t a healthy relationship.
no idea if this is possible.

Dh believes using her new name further solidifies her in this identity. Ds thinks it’s stupid.
I agree but she’s been called this by everyone except us for a year or so now. Thanks stupid school guidance teacher nobhead. So maybe if we call her by her new name she will trust us more, and then we can move on. Maybe We will all try and avoid calling her anything, or use a pet name , thanks pp.

Dh suggests taking her away. I want her away from this friend and to see life has more to offer. I think that would be very hard on son, and Dh though.

im imagining it will all be happy families. It won’t.
thank you so much, I really appreciate your time and advice.
I hope you and everyone has a positive year.

New Year’s Day, day 10. Since dd sneaked out of the house.
waking up every day to such anxiety. I’m so tired of feeling like this.
i need to get everything calm and ordered today. Dh has loads on at work, I don’t even know if I’m going to work.
drank far too much.
last night she texted and it sounded like she missed us. And was building a bridge.
do we text her today? What do we say? I want her to know, oh so many things.
I guess if we don’t text her she might start thinking about us as in missing us rather than escaping from us.
Dh holding on to me taking her away for a while, he’s repeating it like a mantra.
cannot believe this.
thank you so much for your support everyone.

Good morning @Moomoola take each day as it comes. Text your dd back and keep it light hearted, talk about your plans for the day & ask if she'd like anything for tea the next time she comes home rather than asking when she's coming home.

Your dd is feeling defensive about her new life and confused as well so she needs to feel safe with you. Her head is being filled with shite by the other family so you need to stay strong.

Get in touch with the Bayswater Support group as it's run by parents who have gone through similar. Your dh needs counselling and needs to find a less aggressive form of communication with your dd. He is in shock which is understandable but also being dismissive of her beliefs will also play into the hands of the other family. You both need to box clever with these people and all of you need therapy.

Thanks jingle bells our friend, teacher nd mum of three teens said all 12 - 25 year olds she knows are very hot on calling people the correct pronoun. It’s incredibly rude/ hurtful not to and they quickly correct her. She stressed it’s a whole new world and we won’t get anywhere by fighting it.
I’ll call her anything she likes to get her back and into counselling ( for all) .
dh said he’ll not refer to her as anything. He’s read enough to see it’s affirming, I say she’s already affirmed. Friend says we can’t fight the entire fashion. If that’s what it takes to make her feel safe with us do it. I agree.

the trans thing is all so aggressive and no one seems to have a sense of humour about it.

im wasting time reading random posts on mn. And I keep returning to this thread.
I don’t know whether to text her back with out plans. It’s not like we feel like doing anything. I guess I’ll make the home cozy and cook a roast.
miss her.

I feel you so much OP
I didn't like my name at all when I was a teen. I still don't like it now in my 40s. But I never thought about changing it. It was never a thing. We also called some tomboy girls "Bro" for fun. So it's understandable some teens of these days want a different pronoun.

Can you and your DH accept this demand (using pronouns and name as she wishes) in exchange for no hormones and no running away? Something gotta give and getting her home and no long term changes should take priority.

Yes that’s a good idea.
I think if it keeps her feeling we support her then it’s no biggie.
i think that’s the least of our concerns, Dh quite stubborn and concerned it will affirm.
Dh continually debating what to do, going over and over same old stuff.

Hi OP
What would you both think about talking to a counsellor trained in mediation about this.
There needs to be an agenda hammered out to discuss what everyone wants. Third party facilitated would be best.
For the current text scenario I'd keep it breezy and just say yeah, you are doing x, y and z.
Always keep it open. My guess is her questions will drift into 'coming home' territory so be ready for that. In response to that I'd be saying ' this is a really difficult situation with so many things to discuss, whatsoever you suggest? ' always try lead it by her but have an agenda to discuss.
If I asked you both to write out what you would like to discuss and what your issues are what would that list look like?

whatsoever you suggest? - typo- what do you suggest?

Just called her. I was texting her a breezy what are you up to and accidentally deleted the whole thread of conversations. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing but i will meet her tomorrow at 11 in theory.
I said we were all missing her and we would love to talk and sort this out. She said she’s staying there, I asked how long and she finally said ‘ I don’t know, months?’
we are utterly devastated.
Dh is concerned they will keep her there . I do not know how to keep doing this.

how do I talk to her tomorrow?
I said we love you and I want to know what’s you’re thinking so we can best support you.
I also said it’s been a horrible Xmas, dads devastated and brother has had an awful time. She may have sounded sad but is so cold.‘I’m staying here’

I don’t think we’ll get her back.

Months? Oh no.

Do not offer or agree to pay any money towards her upkeep.
I'd also wonder about stopping any allowance if she is no longer with you.

As I learned with my 16/17yo (different issues) you have very little leverage once they hit that age.

Try to keep communication open, organise fun things your DD would enjoy and do them with your DS.

At this point it might be best to be seen to be trying with the new name. You can drop it into texts 'Hi Sam, I saw this xxxx and thought of you' that kind of thing?

Thanks teen so nice to hear a friendly voice. I’m referring to her as her new name.
I won’t be contributing to her upkeep.
i may have muffed it, got a bit tearful on the phone, tried not to.
wasn’t cool and breezy.

a counsellor trained in mediation about this.

There are no counsellors trained in this. The whole therapy world is hopelessly captured, and it is expected by the professional bodies that therapists affirm - if they don't, they will be accused of conversion therapy.

If you get a therapist, make sure you get one that is explicit about doing exploratory therapy, because then they won't affirm or deny - just explore (as they are supposed to do).

I would also not pay the other family for her upkeep or pay for your daughters clothes, phone contract, activities or similar.

@Arseulaundress that's incorrect. There are counsellors who are also mediators. Both different skillsets but both requiring the ability to maintain middle ground. The issue to be resolved here is good for mediation.
See www.janemccann.co.uk/
as an example.

I would probably pay for the phone as stopping that could be viewed as major hostility.