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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

393 replies

VerbenaGirl · 26/10/2022 22:50

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

OP posts:
OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 07:55

but this young woman wasn’t going or doing a job even without a baby.

This isn't all that relevant. Not having a job just after A-levels due to some health problems and now a pregnancy is not an indicator of outcomes overall. She is not being described as lazy, a layabout, totally out of touch, or entitled.

Rainallnight · 27/10/2022 07:56

OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 07:55

but this young woman wasn’t going or doing a job even without a baby.

This isn't all that relevant. Not having a job just after A-levels due to some health problems and now a pregnancy is not an indicator of outcomes overall. She is not being described as lazy, a layabout, totally out of touch, or entitled.

Fair enough but I’d be interested to know what her plans were before the baby.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/10/2022 07:58

Sounds like you are doing all the right things, good to hear the boyfriends Dad is supportive - meet them as soon you can.

Realistically the relationship probably won’t last, so alongside the pregnancy focus on getting your daughter’s health on track as best you can and back into work or training so she can support herself and the baby eventually. Gently, make it clear to her that she cannot assume the relationship will last.

You are going to need to be very involved in the next couple of years, but if you focus a good deal of your time on helping her build a career it will be much better for her, the baby, and you and your DH in the long run.

The risk of disruption to DD2 is high. Is there a relative she can stay with if it’s all too much? Make sure you get some 121 time with her every week, and that she has somewhere quiet to study.

RampantIvy · 27/10/2022 07:59

Fair enough but I’d be interested to know what her plans were before the baby.

It's not always that easy to make plans if you are in poor health.

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 08:00

Then is having a baby a good idea @RampantIvy

Ellmau · 27/10/2022 08:00

Do her long term health conditions mean the pregnacy is a risk to her health?

Another factor is, long term conditions often get worse, so having a baby now may mean she doesn't feel desperate to do to later when it would be more of a risk.

OP, you sound brilliant and your DD is lucky to have your support.

gogohmm · 27/10/2022 08:00

Sounds like his parents are involved too which helps. Once she's had the dating scan I recommend meeting up with his parents and discussing with the parents to be the best solutions. Your dd getting into the workplace part time for a few months is also really important so that she has something on her cv before the baby is born - if she can't manage a part time job, how can she cope with being a mother?

SellingFairytales · 27/10/2022 08:01

It's not always that easy to make plans if you are in poor health.

Or look after and financially support another person for the next twenty years.

OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 08:18

I’d be interested to know what her plans were before the baby.

Wasn't it "getting her health condition(s) sorted out and then making appropriate plans thereafter"? People with health conditions can work, go to college, go to university. With baby or without. So the goal is the same. With baby. Not easy at any age and moreso with a surprise pregnancy in the late teens but still being overegged as a problem on here.

OP not having a dig at you here as you sound great and like you are thinking about all the implications on your family and it must've been a shock. All support to you. PM me if you like.

lawandgin · 27/10/2022 08:18

It's obviously less than ideal, but like many PPs, my aunt had my cousin at 16. She lived at home for a bit and then moved into a (council) flat (70s). The cousin was the child grandparents never had (not my real grandfather but they only one I ever knew). Cousin was adored by the whole family. Aunt married a different man when cousin was a teenager, went on to have a further 2 children and has a perfectly normal life.

However, life is different these days, especially in terms of housing, so it's likely DD and DGC will be at home with you for some time.

Abortion is a valid choice - but if she's discounted it, then she's made her choice.

As long as she's alive to the realities (as much as she can be) then being there to support her is the best thing you can do. And it sounds like you'll do very well at it.

Dd2 is also likely to need support.

Good luck to you all x

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 08:20

It’s not being overegged as a problem. It would appear the only way it will work if the grandparents make huge sacrifices.

JaNaJanice · 27/10/2022 08:21

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OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 08:22

This is also factually incorrect:

Your dd getting into the workplace part time for a few months is also really important so that she has something on her cv before the baby is born - if she can't manage a part time job, how can she cope with being a mother.

She should be focusing on her immediate needs health- and pregnancy-wise, and indeed with her BF on their overall relationship and plans so that is less likely to fail. And with practical matters such as housing and arrangements, with her family's support as it is being offered.

Work and education can come after the birth and postnatal period when she's ready and has support from Access to Work or wherever else (long term health conditions often count legally as disabilities and I suspect this is what the OP was talking about there).

FleecyMcFleeceFace · 27/10/2022 08:24

I would be concerned - as I am sure OP is- that if dd needed to be supported into a parttime job, how will she cope with fulltime motherhood. She sounds like she has no experience of independent adult life (not so unusual for 18!) and was still very much a child in the home who required her parents' support.

Any forward planning has to assume that boyfriend will not be around for long. He might, of course, but I don't think him sticking around for long can be planned on.

Ideally she should start working straight away, if her health allows. She should have at least some experience of working life and something to reference in future job hunting. Even if only for a few months.

I fear this is not the OP supporting her daughter so much as the OP essentially having another child, and that the vast bulk of the emotional, practical and financial aspects of having a child wiĺl fall on OP.

That's a big shock, and a lot to take on.

What are dd's future employment or education plans? Has she felt well enough to do any work towards that, even at home?

I'd say, for next steps: dd finds a job and possibly learns to drive, if she is well enough and you live in an area where driving is important. Meet with boyfriend's family and get a sense of the practical and financial support they can offer.

All the best, OP. The baby is coming, that's a fact, and now it's a question of how to help the baby and dd into the best life possible, while doing the same for dd2 and hopefully yourself. Wishing you lots of strength.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/10/2022 08:27

This isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a family. You’ll all cope. It might be the making of her.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 27/10/2022 08:29

My dd2 had a baby sooner than we would have hoped.
I found the key was to keep dialogue open. Keep in place aspirations for financial independence, just further along than expected. Let's face it, at 18 its not the end of the world, she still has bags of time in her favour.

Eweknowwhat · 27/10/2022 08:34

@toomuchlaundry It’s not being overegged as a problem. It would appear the only way it will work if the grandparents make huge sacrifices.

I agree.
Meanwhile the rest of us will be supporting another family on benefits.

OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 08:37

Gently, make it clear to her that she cannot assume the relationship will last.

I agree with this. But I don't think now this minute is the time for that discussion. It'd be destabilising and undermine her BF and his good intentions and their relationship. In a year's time when the baby is born and midway through what would otherwise be maternity leave would be a sensible time for her to decide what to do next and how (bearing in mind the cutoff dates for apprenticeships or university and nursery places) and for realistic discussions like this to be instigated by Mum if it seems necessary.

Not underplaying the need for career progression and pensions especially for women in a system still loaded against us but no-one now aged 18 is going to suffer irreparable harm if they don't start their post-school career immediately so long as they are making plans and progress within a year or two, it's more than 50 years until their retirement age!! And primary carers get protection in terms of NI towards their state pension. Babies aside, people get ill, go to the wrong employment or uni and have to start again. All normal, all not the end of the world, all Not need 'fixing' Right Now.

By the way there is always the Open University, working from home, and work and training can be adapted to be hybrid working or part time as a Reasonable Adjustment. 3/4 of this discussion thread seems to be embedded in the mid-twentieth century. I'm going to leave the thread now as this 3/4 is starting to make me very cross.

beachcitygirl · 27/10/2022 08:38

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OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 08:39

Meanwhile the rest of us will be supporting another family on benefits.

You win today's prize.

Lifelessordinary1 · 27/10/2022 08:41

Firstly, congratulations on becoming a Grandparent in the near future - a new baby in the family and especially a first Grandchild is always a real blessing - please try and approach this as any other pregnancy and not see it as just a problem.

I had two children whilst in my teens and i have a lot of friends who were teenage mums. a few stayed with their parents but most like me got our own places - but it was a different time in regard to the housing market. (i bought a house two days after my 18th birthday which is less than an hour from Central London and it cost £7500.)

We are now all in our fifties and have all had happy and productive lives. Most including me went on to go to university as mature students (also a different time though when it did not put you in much debt) But i would never have gone to university if i had not had my children so young i was simply going out and getting drunk etc.

So whilst the world is a lot different in terms of the support it offers people and your daughter may need to stay with you for financial reasons, she should not need any more support than any other first time Mum. All of us are alive today as a result of generations of teenage parents - it used to be the norm. If she can move to somewhere with her partner that is not too far away from you then that could be good regardless of whether they stay together long term.

If she remains at home, you will need to set some boundaries over caring for the baby - so she does do it all and you only step in when she is ill or desperately needs a break like you would if she was an older first-time mum. She is entitled to benefits in her own right and should not be financially dependent on you, and you would need to ensure that she is managing her money and you are not subsidising her any more than you would expect to for any Grandchild. There is plenty of time for her to pay into the system in a few years - i calculated once that i have paid back in taxes way more than double the amount i ever claimed in benefits and both my children went on to work and pay into the system as well. One was a teacher she is a SAHM now and other is a firefighter

Your daughter is an adult and with two sets of supportive Grandparents as it sounds like there is she will be absolutely fine, and they will manage being parents as well as any other set of new parents as all those generations of teenage parents before us did. I have had a glorious life and so did virtually all of my teenage mums' friends.

This is a hiccup not a disaster.

Eweknowwhat · 27/10/2022 08:42

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Cheeeeislifenow · 27/10/2022 08:42

she is intent on having the baby there's no way she and her partner should be living with you. Support her to find the options open to her via your local authority. Making it clear she can't live with you may clarify things for her and make her realise this isn't the best idea in the world

so punish her basically because you don't agree with her choice.
when people are pro choice, we need to respect..just that..choice, sometimes people choose to keep the baby.
support is what is needed, once the choice has been made.

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/10/2022 08:43

There are some nasty comments on this thread.

OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 08:44

just further along than expected.

I agree with that whole post.

On this point it is actually just as likely that she will be more financially independent - possibly in a couple with the BF who IS in paid work and training - and soon enough in her own right, before many many other young people in their early to mid 20s. Responsibility is often a springboard to actually getting heads screwed on financially and otherwise because needs must.

Yep, I'm getting my coat now.