Page 2 | 18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

VerbenaGirl · 2022-10-26T21:50:09+00:00

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

Original poster

VerbenaGirl · 27/10/2022 00:06

Babdoc · 26/10/2022 23:51

Do her long term health conditions mean the pregnacy is a risk to her health? And has she seriously considered the impact on her life and future career/study options of having a baby when she is barely out of childhood herself?
Have you discussed termination with her as a more sensible option? Does she want a long term relationship with this boyfriend, co parenting a child for 18 years?

No, our GP doesn't think it is a significant risk to her health. But I do worry about her ability to cope with a child. But she may well prove me wrong, as she can be determined when she wants and has a very kind nature. She is adamant no termination. But I think we do need to revisit this discussion to make sure she's factored everything in. I do think they see themselves together long term. However, location is also going to be an issue.

OP posts:

Twiggywinkle13 · 27/10/2022 00:09

I have no real practical advice but I just wanted to say how bloody amazing a mum you are! This is exactly what she needs right now - support xx

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 00:09

How are they going to afford a baby?

magma32 · 27/10/2022 00:17

Is she making an informed choice to keep the baby? Does she think her relationship will be longterm with the father? If they split up is she expecting to be supported by you with childcare and finances? Or will she be working? Is the bf definitely on the same page and not just an assumption?

Bellabluea · 27/10/2022 00:18

I was 16 when I had my DS many years ago. My mum was so supportive and I stayed with her until I met DH and got married at 22.
we always refer to him as ‘our baby’ despite him being in his20’s now!
It wasn’t always easy. My siblings resented us at times and my mum worked full time but I’d have never coped alone. She helped me emotionally more than anything and later I went to university and now have a great job.
She always says how lucky she has been to have so many years with her grandchild.
well done OP. She’s your dd for life not just 18 years and her baby will be loved as much as she is.

Itisbetter · 27/10/2022 00:30

I think it would be better to help them get a flat together if they’re going forward with the baby.

Moonshine5 · 27/10/2022 00:36

OP nobody knows how they will react unless it happens to them; two things spring to mind it will change the trajectory of your DD life and you may possibly end up being a 'co-parent' at whatever stage in life/ carter you're at. Wish you and your family the best x

Moonshine5 · 27/10/2022 00:37

*career

summergone · 27/10/2022 00:48

I became pregnant at 18 , gave birth when I had just turned 19 I will be forever grateful for the support from my mum . I stayed at home with my ds for 2 years and it was like he was everybody's baby not just mine , my mum dad and sister all helped out because they wanted to , he was so doted on .

alrightfella · 27/10/2022 00:50

How is she/ they going to be able to afford a baby in the long term?

Did she finish her a levels? Will she be able to get a job in the future?

YerAWizardHarry · 27/10/2022 00:53

Another who fell pregnant at 18. I lived at home until DS was 1 and then moved back in again less than a year later when my relationship with his dad went tits up. My mum and sister were the best help and they adore my DS. No way would have I got through my degree and be where I am today without their support

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 00:54

We need to support our children and we also need to give them a very serious reality check when things go tits up. Are you willing and able to provide 100% support for a baby? For fuck knows how long? You have a younger child who needs your attention and a sense of stability. Your pregnant daughter needs to know there are huge consequences for her choices.

hellosunshineagainxxx · 27/10/2022 01:04

You are a lovely mum and it's been heart warming to read the stories on here from teen mums.

Those pushing for you to push her for an abortion are awful. I am pro/choice 100% but until you are actually faced with that decision you don't know how you will deal with it. I was pregnant accidentally but luckily for me I was much older and financially stable but as soon as I found out I knew I could never have an abortion and that would have been the same at 18 as it was at 28 regardless of the circumstances.

Sending you love and strength op

LittleBearPad · 27/10/2022 01:07

hellosunshineagainxxx · 27/10/2022 01:04

You are a lovely mum and it's been heart warming to read the stories on here from teen mums.

Those pushing for you to push her for an abortion are awful. I am pro/choice 100% but until you are actually faced with that decision you don't know how you will deal with it. I was pregnant accidentally but luckily for me I was much older and financially stable but as soon as I found out I knew I could never have an abortion and that would have been the same at 18 as it was at 28 regardless of the circumstances.

Sending you love and strength op

So not really the same circumstances at all then.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 01:09

I was pregnant accidentally but luckily for me I was much older and financially stable but as soon as I found out I knew I could never have an abortion and that would have been the same at 18 as it was at 28 regardless of the circumstances.

Yet ironically the circumstances could not possibly be further apart, could they? FFS. 🙄

SandyY2K · 27/10/2022 01:12

It's good you're taking it so well.
I'd be devastated if it was my daughter pregnant at 18 and no job and unable to support herself, never mind a baby.

I watched 16 and pregnant and teen mom with them and they saw how having a baby at such a young age, would ruin their lives... as the one holding the baby.

All the best.

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 01:13

Is she going to get a job? Surely if she is well enough to have a baby she can get a job even if only a few hours a week. She needs to take on some responsibility and not leave it to you, especially if it is going to impact your finances

hellosunshineagainxxx · 27/10/2022 01:14

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 01:09

I was pregnant accidentally but luckily for me I was much older and financially stable but as soon as I found out I knew I could never have an abortion and that would have been the same at 18 as it was at 28 regardless of the circumstances.

Yet ironically the circumstances could not possibly be further apart, could they? FFS. 🙄

You missed my point. My point was that until you are pregnant you don't know how you will emotionally feel about a termination, regardless of the circumstances. Many people would have terminated in my position as it was a new relationship and I was also at risk of redundancy

hellosunshineagainxxx · 27/10/2022 01:16

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 01:09

I was pregnant accidentally but luckily for me I was much older and financially stable but as soon as I found out I knew I could never have an abortion and that would have been the same at 18 as it was at 28 regardless of the circumstances.

Yet ironically the circumstances could not possibly be further apart, could they? FFS. 🙄

You missed my point. I feel like people aren't good at comprehension sometimes on here like they skim read maybe? I said my circumstances were different quite clearly.

My point was that until you are pregnant you don't know how you will emotionally feel about a termination, regardless of the circumstances. Many people would have terminated in my position as it was a new relationship and I was also at risk of redundancy and also recovering from hospital illness but I couldn't do it

oakleaffy · 27/10/2022 01:20

LittleBearPad · 27/10/2022 01:07

So not really the same circumstances at all then.

Show quote history

The differences between 18 and 28yr old who is financially stable are immense!
What a ludicrous comparison to make.
28 yr olds have a matured brain..18 yr olds are still essentially 'Kids' themselves.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 27/10/2022 01:21

I think you sound amazing and supportive. Of course it is the right thing to welcome your daughter to stay at home if you are able to, much better than the extra expense and stress of a separate flat. Babies need more than one, more than two people even. It takes a village.

It will definitely affect your other daughter but not necessarily in a bad way. If she can keep her own room and have a desk and a good set of earplugs you are halfway there.

Babies are a lot of work of course but bring so much joy as well at any age.

beachcitygirl · 27/10/2022 01:26

My step son and his gf got pregnant unplanned when they were both 17 disaster all round. Except it wasn't - fast forward 16 years, they are still together, married, still happy 3
Kids and a lovely home. She's has her own business and he is in a great job with a high salary.
Some people it's the making of. She is a fabulous woman & a brilliant mother. Happy well
Adjusted kids
Good luck OP xx

Weepachu · 27/10/2022 01:27

You sound like a lovely mum.

Would she be able to get a council flat? You may have to bend the truth a bit and pretend to “kick her out” but that’s the line many less worthy sounding people give who haven’t paid into the system (as I imagine you have, given by the way you write).

Best of luck and I hope it works out well for you all.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 27/10/2022 01:27

I was 18 when I had my DD. Not with father, did a runner, I lived at home with my parents and siblings. Everyone adores her even now at 28.as a pp says about their family, she is the apple of their eye.
I did evening class exams, went to uni, started nursing, met my now husband.

My family were amazingly supportive and I would have massively struggled without them. Me and DD would not have had the lives we have without them and for that I am eternally grateful.
She has gone on to uni and now working in her chosen field, with a family of her own X x

VivienneDelacroix · 27/10/2022 01:27

18 is young, but young parents are often brilliant. My cousin had her eldest when she was 16, she's still with the dad (now her husband) and the "baby" is 19.
My friend had her children at 18, 19, and 21. She's a fabulous mum, and again, is still with her partner and very happily married now that the children are 16, 15, and 13.

And I will always remember a friend of mine whose 18 year old daughter got pregnant and the whole family rallied round. Daughter and baby lived at home, boyfriend would stay about half the week - they were such amazing parents, supported with so much love by my friend and her husband. The daughter had a home birth with her mum there and breastfed successfully even through a pretty nasty infection because she benefitted from the wisdom, experience, and support of her mum.

Good luck to your daughter and all of you.