18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

I don’t think they’re awful at all. OPs daughter is very young, in a fairly new relationship, not in good health, it doesn’t sound like she’s in a position to support the baby, there’s a younger child to consider as well, finances are tight, there’s other issues in OPs life and OP isn’t convinced of her daughters ability to cope with a baby. It sounds very much like a lot will fall to OP. Abortion is an uncomfortable topic for many, including me despite being pro choice, but in those circumstances, I would hope my daughter would choose to have an abortion.

OPs daughter is going ahead and OP seems ok with providing support. I would do the same for my daughter, I would rather her live with us than with a boyfriend she’s only been with 5 minutes, but it doesn’t mean I would think having the baby was the best decision. Lots of things are less than ideal in life though.

OP, I think it’s only normal you feel overwhelmed and in panic. Have another talk to make sure she is absolutely sure she wants to keep it with no pressure from her boyfriend. Talk about the practicalities. If she’s sure, then lots of talking and planning including the boyfriend and his parents hopefully. You’ll get through it because if she’s determined to have the baby and you rightly support your daughter, there’s no other choice than to get through it. She’s not the first, she won’t be the last. It’s not what you hoped for but it will be ok. 💐

OP, I have a 18 yr DD and I am imagining myself in your shoes. You sound incredible but you need some support, I'm sure. If you can, imagine life in five years, where your grandbaby is just part of the natural rhythm of your family. Until then, try to take it one day at at time.

I wish you well, I wish your DD well and best for a healthy baby. It will eventually be okay, though there may be some bumps along the way.

My DH was born when MIL was 19. She lived w/ her parents and he was incredibly close to GPs, who adored him (and spoiled him!). He's got lovely old fashioned manners and appreciates tradition. It did him a world of good to have a young mother who could play ball with him and older GPs who helped raise him. My family was the opposite, with my mother getting married in her mid 20s, having children later after getting her degrees and a job. Both of us grew up well, despite those differences.

Me and my DDs benefit from my DH early whole family nurturing. It can work out.

@VerbenaGirl She will get through it, your family will get through it and when the baby arrives the love you will have for her/him will be so overwhelming that any/all of your fears/worries will just instantly become lighter.
My mum had me at 16... her entire family gave her a hard time and told her she was ruining her life and that she wouldn't be 'mature enough' to raise a daughter, they completely cut her off and left her to do it all alone.. fast forward 27 years.. im a Cambridge graduate, completed my PhD and have just received an award for my research in my area of medicine - I worked hard to make her proud, because she's always made me proud.
Now my family deny ever telling my mum that she was ruining her life and like to brag about their granddaughters success ect.
You sound like a fantastic mother, she has you as her role model throughout this. Support her decision either way and it will all work itself out.

Can you imagine how hard it'll be for an 18 year old?

For some. Not all. I've seen much older first time parents struggle more than I and some other friends did at a much younger age than they. There are many factors to this. But it does her a disservice to make all the assumptions about young (adult) mothers. She needs your support but she needs to feel as though you think she can be competent. It's also a time for her to enjoy, regardless of her age, don't spoil it for her OP. (Not saying you will but some of the comments on here, really!)

but that’s the line many less worthy sounding people give who haven’t paid into the system (as I imagine you have, given by the way you write).

Er... goodness where to being with THIS? I'm speechless.

*begin. Not being.

Because on Mumsnet you must never help your child out in any way once they turn 18. It's simply not the "done thing"

Meanwhile in the real world...

OP I was living at home when my younger sister fell pregnant at 18. It wasn’t expected, nor ideal. But she knew immediately that she didn’t want an abortion and everyone was supportive of her choice. 10 years on, she’s happily married (not to the dad, thank fuck) and my niece is the most lovely little girl. BIL dotes on his step daughter (though he gets a bit annoyed at the “step” prefix) and the three of them have a beautiful life. In the beginning, my parents and siblings rallied round to help, and my sis was an amazing mum. Our support was more emotional than anything, but I’m personally grateful that I got to be a relatively big part in my niece’s early life.

IME, lots of people will proclaim to be pro-choice but it comes with the caveat that the pregnant woman should make the choice they think they would have made. Tell them all to fuck off an you’ll be fine.

Is DD what might be called 'vulnerable'?

Is there any element of BF taking advantage in this situation?

No advice, but you sound so supportive and lovely, they’re very lucky to have you.

I wish my mum was still around to talk to you. I put her through the same. I was pregnant just as I turned 18 and was still living at home. My boyfriend worked so hard, and I worked full time throughout my pregnancy, and we managed to get a deposit together to secure a mortgage on a house. Different times now, I know. But for reassurance, I managed fine. I married the boyfriend (17 years ago now!) and we now have 4 wonderful children. I struggled through university, juggling babies and part time work with a law degree, but I graduated and became a lawyer. We moved abroad, I packed up work and retrained to become a teacher. I’m currently doing my 2nd PhD, which in all honesty, I doubt I’ll finish, but life wasn’t over when I became a mum, I had new purposes.

My success is down to my mother and father’s initial support. The world told me that I screwed up my life, most people judged me and looked down on me. I used to overhear comments about how people would feel sorry for the poor baby I was carrying, how I’d be better terminating. How my relationship with the boyfriend wouldn’t last, he’d leave me and the baby etc. But my parents stood by me and supported us. They taught me through their actions how to love and nurture children. My children are late teens now, they’re out of this world amazing. I couldn’t be any more proud. They’re kind, intelligent and lovely little people, they tell me anything and everything. I didn’t mean to make this about “me”, I just wanted to show you that your daughter may thrive. I wanted to tell you that you sound great and I think that she is very lucky. I know it is a huge shock for you. I’d be a ball of emotions if my similar age daughter told me she was pregnant. I’d wish for her not to be. But like my mum was, and like you will be, I’d be supportive.

Just a big hug to you and your family. Stay wonderful x

Although not quite the same we had a similar situation in our family.

The way you have supported your daughter will never be forgotten by her - even though it’s hard you have done something really positive by walking alongside her and not being critical.

Our just 16 year old daughter ( the younger sibling) took it in her stride. It affected her massively in that she had to share her sibling (we were the parents of dad but he and his partner came to live with us for eight months while they saved ), we went from three of us (as they were older than your daughter but still young and had been in a flat for a couple of months) to five of us. The dynamic in the house changed. But it worked out fine. They all have a great relationship. She is now doing A levels. It has definitely affected her - but she sees the positives and knows we’d support her because she can see we supported them.

I know it’s your daughter going through this, but take care of you and you husband too. Don’t underestimate the effect it will have on you. It’s draining emotionally and you feel their struggle. But you will manage because she have shown the type of person you are already.

Try to make sure your younger daughter gets lots of love and support too and make time to take her for coffee or shopping as you would have had this not happened so she knows she is special too.

I am waffling now - but we have a lovely granddaughter who has brought us all so much joy - whatever else comes along - she is worth it. You will feel the same in a year I am sure.

x

As long as your dd knows that once the grandchild comes along, they will be the priority, not her. At least that is what I told my dd.

I bet it was an 'accident'. 🤷‍♀️

Those pushing for you to push her for an abortion are awful. I am pro/choice 100% but until you are actually faced with that decision you don't know how you will deal with it. I was pregnant accidentally but luckily for me I was much older and financially stable but as soon as I found out I knew I could never have an abortion and that would have been the same at 18 as it was at 28 regardless of the circumstances
The comparison you are trying to make is ridiculous. What was the point?
Regardless, abortion is a valid choice. Probably the smartest one for the teenagers involved but the decision to get pregnant in the first place means it was never going to be an option.
Realistically, the OP will be raising this child, neither seem capable of doing so, and the relationship will probably end at some point. The OP seems fine with that and that's all that really matters here. I wish them well.

Personally, I feel we are failing our girls but that's just me. Still so many to whom having a baby so young is the best they think they can do.

We were 18 when I got pregnant (after 3 months together - First time we slept together. Was on the pill, used a condom which split & took the morning after pill)! We’ve just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary and renewed our wedding vows. DD that I was pregnant with at 18 has just graduated.

OP

Nothing practical to offer but I used to work with a Dr who had her child at 17 mid A Levels.

My own life, I seem to have lived in 'the wrong order', so I had a good career and then at 32 went to uni. Things don't need to go in straight lines.

It's not just 'a baby' though is it? It's her grandchild, her own flesh and blood.

Surely most if not all women would support their own grandchild if the parents couldn't do it for whatever reason?

Personally, I feel we are failing our girls but that's just me. Still so many to whom having a baby so young is the best they think they can do.

I agree with this.

When making a decision and talking about the baby, I think it’s important that your daughter and her boyfriend understand that this is their choice and their responsibility. You can offer support without doing it all for them otherwise you’ll end up looking after a baby without any choice at all.

I would unequivocally not be encouraging my 18yr old DD to have a baby. Have you floated the options with her? When I thought I might be pregnant at 21 my mum discussed abortion with me in a grown up and matter of fact way; I was grateful as that's what I wanted but didn't want to seem like 'a bad person'. I wasn't pregnant in the end but was very grateful that she made it clear I had her support to have an abortion if I wanted/needed. At the 18 she has the rest of her life ahead of her to have a baby, just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she needs to go through with it.

If she is intent on having the baby there's no way she and her partner should be living with you. Support her to find the options open to her via your local authority. Making it clear she can't live with you may clarify things for her and make her realise this isn't the best idea in the world.

So your daughter was unable to finish her A levels due to health issues & you are trying to get her support so she can work part time, again due to long term health problems.
I don't think she's in an ideal place really to consider having a child really.
If she can't cope with A levels or getting a part time job due to her health then how will she parent a child?
You might find yourself parenting 3 children - your two DDs & a grandchild.
I think it's a difficult situation all round but maybe you need to gently point some facts out to your DD1.
It would be hard enough for any 18-yr old but her life has already been changed by her health & throwing a baby into the mix might not be the best for her.

The initial shock will pass.

i just want to say congratulations.

You’ve done the best thing by reacting so calmly. Wish my mum had been calm when I announced I was pregnant at 16! Though I guess it’s a big thing so can understand why some mums are far from calm in that moment. I sat my GCSE’s when pregnant. I took a year out and started my A levels when DS1 was around 1. I really got into one of the subjects and with everyone else thinking about uni’s I decided to do a degree in a city which was around 90mins door to door travel. It wasn’t easy. But I enjoyed it, and I had such drive to make his life better. I eventually moved to london for a job after graduation, just us two, and went on to have 2 more children. I’ve progressed in my career and I earn more than most of my old school friends. A teenage pregnancy doesn’t mean your life is over or you’ll be living the kind of life people think about when they hear teenage mum. I had all those comments and more and that’s what drove me on during those difficult days doing a degree, two part time jobs and a long commute.

My baby is nearly 30 now and we are very close. It’s great we are close in age and if my DD (14) told me she was pregnant of course I’d be disappointed but I’d make sure she knew it didn’t mean that her life was over. Big hugs to you both

I think you handled that first conversation brilliantly. Your poor child, what a pickle.

One thing to find out urgently is if your dd is on meds that could be incompatible with pregnancy.

In her shoes i am sure i would be seeing this pregancy as a neat solution, after missing out on the post-A level pathways, a cute baby may feel like a direction and purpose for her. Plus if she is in love with her boyfriend... passion can be so strong at that age. Her boyfriend might feel differently when baby arrives. Or he might step up. Good idea to involve him and his parents so you can see which way the wind is likely to blow and keep him on message to stick around.

How about a round- table with BF and his family. To discuss where will baby live, how often can dd and baby stay at bf's house, can bf afford to learn to drive and get a car, what are the other GPs willing to do to help and support. All together, calmly, planning and not getting stressed ideally!

Then meantime at home you maintain that dd1 still needs to get a job and this is now urgent as she will need to start getting ready to support the baby. Pregnancy isnt an illness so if she was going to start work, she still must. The choice isnt "baby or a job because you missed out on education". She should be doing both baby AND a job.

If she is able to stand for long periods of time, hairdressing could be good - she can do it in people's homes and at odd hours eg evenings and weekends, which would mean her BF can babysit whilst she works. Don't let her make excuses, make her be practical. What jobs will work around a baby? She can get a basic minimum wage job for now until the baby arives then have a longer term plan ahead of her.

Babies can be very cheap as you can get almost everything free on Freecycle and FB if you ask kindly. Gently make sure your dd knows this will be a Budget Baby. Talk to her about reusable nappies and get her to research the costs and how you can soak and clean and dry them.

Get dd1 to think about her bedroom space. What will have to be got rid of, to fit the baby in? The main thing is the cot. Can dd1 sell some of her things to generate some money to buy things for the baby?

Dd2 i would worry about with a baby in the house. Can she go to a local libary to study at weekends? Would the BF's family let dd1 stay, or would relatives of yours do similar, for several weeks at a time if the baby is very disruptive at key times eg mocks and exams? Get dd1 to generate ideas, dont solve it all for her. This is her responsibility, and you are the safety net.

And make sure DD2 has the contraceptive injection.....

*Realistically, the OP will be raising this child, neither seem capable of doing so, and the relationship will probably end at some point. The OP seems fine with that and that's all that really matters here. I wish them well.

Personally, I feel we are failing our girls but that's just me. Still so many to whom having a baby so young is the best they think they can do.*

You're talking absolute shite 😅

My DD had a baby at 18 - he has been the absolute making of her. She didn't go to college, just bummed about after school, in shitty relationships with even shittier boys. I honestly didn't think she'd make it to her 20s she was so unbelievably wild.
Then she fell pregnant - I admit I wasn't thrilled, till that point she'd hardly been the poster-girl for maturity and I fully expected the responsibility to fall to me, but once my GS was born she turned her life around.

She is an amazing mum, I'm so, so proud of her - she works, has just completed college with distinctions and has started uni this year. On top of that she's fought over the last year to get my DGS the support he needs at school (ASD), got her own home and has spent the summer making it lovely for her and her boy. She's made it all look so effortless -we all adore my GS, life is infinitely better with him in it!

We would only be failing 'girls' if we all adopted your attitude and written them off before the pee stick dried!

I doubt dd2 will make the same mistake with her sister's example right in front of her.
But contraceptive injection for DD1 straight after birth (as soon as allowed) sounds a good idea.

How did you end up in a position where keeping a baby at 18 with poor health and no job ever seemed a possible option for your daughter to imagine? Is there something else going on in the background?