18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

You’ve made a lot of assumptions based on a couple of paragraphs. You have no idea

Support is all she needs right now. My situation was different to hers but I had children young but gave me so much drive and determination also the same for my husband I have no doubt we wouldn't be where we are right now if it wasn't for the want to give the absolute world to my children. Also I have spent time with parents much older who are in no different situations, a lady in her 30s divorced and went back home with 2 small children and had no job and still doesn't 5 years later. Her age doesn't determine this situation, she will figure this all out but what will make it easier is the emotional Support from you. In two years time this will have all been figured out and your family will be settled, its just getting through this rocky stage with lots of choices to make. Best of luck. Give her a cuddle, she'll be wanting you right now.

This brought a tear to my eye,your Mum sounds absolutely lovely.

Her boyfriend lives 40 mins away and can’t drive? How have they been seeing each other up until now?

Honestly OP, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. They’ve only known each other since the start of the year, your daughter has never worked and didn’t finish her A Levels. How can they ever hope to support a child? Your daughter needs to focus on her health and her long term education and career before she thinks about starting a family.

Why is she opposed to having an abortion? Surely that would be the sensible thing to do.

It is good you are supportive, but I think it is your job to give your daughter some honest facts and stats about her desicion. The odds of her staying with the boyfriend are low. Especially given she knows him for about 9 month before getting pregnant. She hasn't experienced living with him, they haven't managed finances with him..she needs to plan on the basis of him not being of any practical help. Then at 18, with health condition, she will be left alone with a child. Yes, it is all good you are keeping the roof over her head, but then what? Is she going to live with you forever and you are going to pay her bills? You say she has a health condition, will she bit fit to work, rush around with childcare pick ups etc?
At 18 she might have a rosy view on 'I want to be a mummy and I will be with the love of my life forever' but she would at least need to know the brutal practicalities of a significant life choices limitations she will always have because of her decision

Honestly all those saying dd1 living with you when baby is here will negatively impact dd2 haven’t had to even consider or live this. I have. When expecting ds1 I had no option but to move back to my mums where my sister (who was 16 at the time and just sat her GCSEs, I was 24) was just about to start her A-Levels. 2 weeks later I went into labour, my sister was my birthing partner (she insisted). DS1 and I lived there for 2.5years and while it wasn’t ideal we all made it work. My sister came out with A* in her A-Levels and ds1 was and still is the apple of their eye.

How will she provide for this baby? Or will this be another person living off benefits for years? Ridiculous idea to have a baby at 18 when you aren't working.

Congratulations to your DD and your family. It will be fine. You will support her (much as a mother supports any daughter when they have a baby), and your other DD will be fine. You will love your new grand baby and things will work out.

Ignore people trying to push for abortion. Your Dd doesn’t want one, sounds like she’d regret one, and unless you as a family are totally unable to manage, doesn’t need one.

OP I know a few women with adult children now, who had a baby at 17/18. All of them coped and while I am sure there were tough times, this is true whatever age you are. Parenting can be difficult at any ages, but having a mother like you will make everything easier for her. When my dd was a baby I used to take her to a local Children’s play centre. There was a girl there who was around 18 and she was an incredible Mum, really calm and gentle with her little boy, sensible, clever and thoughtful. I was the age of her Mum, and I was so impressed that I still think of her sometimes. Young mothers can be really good mothers.
I had babies in my forties as I got married later in life, my Mum was too far away and too frail to help. She loved my dds very much and also would have liked a more active role in their lives, being a younger grandmother has advantages for everyone, not just negatives. My Mum would have loved more years with her Grandchildren.
Also three of my closest lifelong friends are still with their boyfriends from 18 . We are in our fifties now, so teenage relationships do sometimes succeed. It sounds as though your dd and her boyfriend have good support around them, and that will help hugely whatever happens with them.
I can see the worry re disruption for your younger dd, but it isn’t uncommon for women to have a baby while also having a teenager.
With your dd’s health, some conditions can affect pregnancy and GPS are not always clued up. If it is a thyroid condition in particular then she needs careful monitoring to make sure her levels are fine, (my GP wasn’t great with this and could have put my pregnancy at risk). Autoimmune diseases can calm down during pregnancy. Diabetes will monitored with care though.
Best of luck to all of you OP.

She's lucky to have such a supportive mum.

I wasn't much older (though much more independent) when I had my first. It was the making of me. With plenty of support and long term planning, she will be fine.

There's no need to push her into a termination she doesn't want. Would be horrendous for your relationship and her mental health. For me it was very much a heart over head thing.

DD2 will also be fine. It's a baby, not a tornado.

My life was a total mess when I was 16/17. I came from a broken home and had lived through my mum having multiple relationships/marriages. I left home at 16 and got in a VERY unsuitable relationship with an abusive alcoholic 10 years older than me who I thought I loved. Got pregnant and had my DD at 17. By the time she was 7 weeks old I saw the light and escaped so was a single mum from then. I did have some support from my mum but we don't actually get on that well so was mainly on my own, and I'm not going to say it was easy.

Fast forward to now and DD is 21 next month, I've been married since I was 27 and have another DD and a truly wonderful husband. I've got 2 degrees and a job I love and live a happy life. Obviously at the time abortion was the most realistic option considering my life circumstances but having my DD was the making of me, truly.

Through all this garble what I'm trying to say is that if you give your daughter love and support, I'm sure she will be absolutely fine, and you sound like a lovely mum xx

You sound very supportive op.

I got pregnant at 18 and my mum wasn't emotionally supportive at all, tried to force me to have an abortion when I didn't want to, stayed distant and gave me the silent treatment etc. I had no choice but to stay living there throughout pregnancy and until my Dd was 8 months old but I never felt so alone despite being in a house full of people so please be there for her, which I'm sure you will be.

I had just finished my a levels when I fell pregnant, I had only own baby dad for a few short months - I was on the pill! He was initially supportive but went a bit sour as just wanted to spend all his money on booze. He also only lived 3 minutes down the road and he wasn't around much, my point is that even though your daughters boyfriend lives 40 minutes away, it doesn't necessarily mean disaster.

Is either of them learning to drive? I passed my test when I was pregnant at 18!

I had a job but had to leave as I was v poorly in pregnancy, I was only on a fixed term contract anyway. ex earned enough for a while but when that went sour, he cheated, I left him and I had no choice but to claim benefits for around 2 years, there's no shame in that if needed.

do you think her boyfriend will help support them financially? Or at very least baby?

my son is 11 now, we got our own place, a cheap 1 bed flat when he was 8 months and went from there!

a few pp's have suggested that her and her boyfriend should find a flat, but we all know there's a serious shortage of housing right now both council and private and more so no affordable housing, I think it's unrealistic right now, it's really not as simple as finding a flat these days and one that's affordable.

but overall, despite not having an easy start the baby I had at 18 is now nearly 12! I don't regret it at all, I have a loving dh who I've been with since DS was 1, we have another Dd, we own a home and my life couldn't be any more different to when I was 18!!

Nothing practical to add but you sound like an amazing level-headed mum @VerbenaGirl .

I saw the title and thought there'd be a ton of awful experiences and opinions about young parents but I've been blown away by all the postive, honest and heartwarming stories. It goes to show things can work out when there is support even though things are difficult.

If your Dd is anything like you OP (it sounds like she is) then she will be absolutely fine. You're overall reaction and springing into action is commendable.

My niece was a young mum and she and her bf thrived in a positive environment with supportive parents. They now have two DC's, have a successful business and DN is training to be a paramedic. It's hard at times but it can work. Their resilience and energy is enviable and has rubbed off on their DC's.

Well done OP and good luck. Your DD and her BF are very lucky to be surrounded by such level-headed, sensible parents.

@VerbenaGirl I was pregnant at 19 and still living at home with parents. My own education had to pause but everything has turned out great. I own my own home and have a profession. Now he's a teenager he likes that I'm younger than the other Mums!

Don't panic, just be there. I appreciated my parents not making it into a big thing- I was anxious enough! They just supported me and made me feel like I could do it.

Oh and my siblings were fine! It's all going to be ok 😊

As someone in poor health and who had to put my dd in nursery as I was too ill to care for her, I am wondering how your dd will cope. The pregnancy does not sound like the hard bit for your dd. I am thinking about everything after.

Have you discussed this with her? I know it’s hard to understand the loss of energy and total exhaustion to anyone, who hasn’t been through it. Your dd may be facing this long term rather than at the beginning.

Do you know how difficult it is to get a flat these days @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy? There is a shortage of rental property just about everywhere. Even students are struggling to get second and third year accommodation.

It's heartwarming to read all these anecdotes of successful teenage pregnancies, but these are all just anecdotes, and I realise the OP has posted on here because she is being realistic about how hard it is going to be, especially as her daughter has some ongoing health issues.

It’s nice to read the success stories on here for teenage mums but I bet there are many more stories which are not so successful. Also the success stories involve the mums ensuring they completed their education and got jobs. Is this likely with your DD @VerbenaGirl

And has she seriously considered the impact on her life and future career/study options of having a baby when she is barely out of childhood herself?

Oh this imaginary thing, the world has changed, people can go to university with babies (and childcare funding) now you know and quite frankly could a generation ago although it is easier to do that now. And also to same PP, she's 18, not a child (and 16 is the age for autonomy in healthcare anyway) so no Mum should not be 'discussing termination' with her (especially in a biased 'this would be best' kind of way), unless she broaches the subject herself.

@Babdoc Do her long term health conditions mean the pregnacy is a risk to her health? And has she seriously considered the impact on her life and future career/study options of having a baby when she is barely out of childhood herself?
Have you discussed termination with her as a more sensible option? Does she want a long term relationship with this boyfriend, co parenting a child for 18 years

These are common sense questions that need asking, and the sooner the better.

I would be very concerned that she’s setting herself up for a lifetime of economic instability if not actual poverty. She’ll be a 19 year old single parent with a long term health condition with no qualifications who has never had a job. Is the plan for you to support her forever?

People can go to university with babies but this young woman wasn’t going or doing a job even without a baby.

My mum was 18 when she had me. She had excellent support from her mum (not so from her dad, who buggered off with his secretary, or my biological father, who played no part in my life). I was brought up in a stable and happy home by my mum and stepfather. Have been extremely successful in life.

So it can work out well, as pp have said. I do have to say that my mum never got a job and has been a housewife all her life. But that may be more of a generational thing, she is a 40s baby, and also my granny was also always a housewife.

Re the effect on the next child's exams. I was living at home and doing a very tough university degree at the time when my little brother was born, and stayed living at home, still doing the degree, until he was 4. I did fine. I had my own room so studied there, and also spent a lot of time in the uni library, which was actually very good for social contact and students helping each other.

You sound like a great mum and your DD and her baby will benefit from that.

PS pleased to hear you don't have this dreadful idea of having to kick kids out/force them to make their own way when they are 18. It is awful. I didn't leave home until 26. My stepdaughters are 28 and 29 and, as they are still at uni, we support them. Because they are our family.

these are all just anecdotes

Well no they are not if it is the person speaking about themselves, they are facts. There are plenty of good outcomes from teenage parenthood.

Most poor outcomes in terms of life chances for teenage parents are to do with factors like lack of support, poverty, ill health that isn't dealt with, poor housing, low expectations. As she has support and housing and so on, there is no reason to suspect or assume that she will have a poor outcome that will 'ruin her life' as people tend to put it, as a starting point. And if there was more evidence of a difficult starting point, then the role of everyone around her is still to help her not to end up in a situation of poor outcome. It is not to have 'opinions' about what she should do about her baby, her body and her life.

18 is adult. She should be treated like and adult and supported like an adult. To make her own decisions about the way forward (in all ways). Supported being the key word here.

BF's Dad sounds great by the way. Ditto OP. Not so much some of the other posters.

But she wasn’t living like an adult when she got pregnant. She’s being fully supported by her mum (which is totally reasonable at 18 but let’s not pretend it’s the same as ‘adulthood’)