18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

Not my DD @Pipsquiggle, me.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname

The headline of the article was
99% of Women Say They Feel Relief, Not Regret, 5 Years After Having an Abortion
Nearly all women in the study — including those who had difficulty making the choice to end their pregnancy — said it was the right decision 5 years later.

Magazine article here:
www.healthline.com/health-news/study-finds-99-of-women-say-they-do-not-regret-having-an-abortion

Actual paper here:
www.ansirh.org/research/ongoing/turnaway-study
For the study, researchers from the University of California San Francisco and Columbia University looked at data on 667 women across 21 states who participated in the Turnaway Study, a 5-year project that examined the health and socioeconomic effects of abortions.

@CornishGem1975 - very sorry to hear that. I am sorry I got my wires crossed. I hope you got or are receiving the help you need

two experienced parents

Who were just as inexperienced when they had their babies unless they worked in childcare or something, so this makes no sense. To be completely honest my friends who have had babies at older ages and hence 10-20 years older than when I and some of our other friends did are as equally coping/not coping as us younger ones were at the time, and they also have back ache and are completely knackered which we were not. They quite often express shock at the change in lifestyle after being footloose and fancy free for a longer time first, haven't always got as much in assets as you might think due to having been footloose and fancy free and are now struggling with bills especially childcare whereas we rode the wave of easier times financially. These are things they have willingly shared with me unprompted by the way. The point is no perfect age or stage to have a baby and people should stop being so bigoted, patronising and sanctimonious towards younger parents who are in fact adults.

The disgusting views on trying to impose abortion, more or less, are beyond the pale and as others have said this is NOT what pro-choice is. Obviously. The clue is pro-CHOICE.

Thankfully while some have been showing these true colours on this thread, others have been showing theirs by talking sense and giving the OP lots of sensible advice and encouragement.

Sorry to hear from those who have had bad individual experiences though, I am not talking about yourselves at all. It's important that these things are said if the sayer would like to share them. for those that need them.

supporting doesn’t have to mean giving up our lives or livelihoods to look after a teenager’s baby

Course not.

But why are people assuming that the OP or her daughter are themselves assuming that the OP will have to do more childcare than any other grandparent? 18yo parents can look after their own babies unless they have some additional needs, with or without the involvement of paid childcare. On the other hand there are plenty plenty of threads about much older parents who are having trouble with their own parents or in-laws because the expectations about how much visiting and childcare and overnights will be given or granted are mismatched. Age of the parents and age of the grandparents are just two of many many factors.

Honestly some of this thread is completely bonkers.

And no wonder quite a lot of young people in society behave more immaturely in some ways than generations before them, if they are being infantilised as much as some people on here would like to infantilise them!

I fell pregnant with my first at 17. He didn't ruin my life, he made it. Don't take other people's situations in life and can't them in a bad light because it doesn't suit you. OP, @sandyy2k please don't keep mentioning abortion if she's told you she's made up her mind. She will have thought of her options and has made her choice. Yes this will effect everyone in the house but not necessarily in a bad way. Nobody knows what the future holds. My son is now 8 and I have 2 girls also by a different dad, my now fiance. He's raised him since he was 2. I did everything for my son with help from family of course, yes it does take a village. Ultimately she is the mother, you sound like a great mum and I'm sure you will show her the ropes and be supportive so she can be the best she can be. It's not the end of the world I promise

Also can I add. At 18 after a 3 day labour and emergency c section I was the only one on my ward who seemed to know I had to feed, change and actually pick my baby up when he cried rather than just taping on the cot. Young mums don't get enough credit and are nearly always dismissed. Even 9 months ago at 26 years old with my 3rd i was made to feel like I was too young and surely this was my first..

You must haves been very unlucky then - on every ward I’ve been on after having my three we all knew we had to feed, change and pick up our babies - even though of us in <gasp> our thirties. What an odd thing to claim was down to you being 18 years old.

@SirChenjins with respect to @shas19 I actually witnessed a similar thing whilst walking through the wards as I had a side room. 2 older mothers constantly buzzing for the nurses to help them, the pain was terrible etc etc and their husbands demanding support whilst a younger mother was cracking on with things post section. It’s obviously easier to recover if you’re younger but these 2 women seemed determined things were far too difficult as if they’re the only women to of had csections before.

And with respect to you both, how about you don't make sweeping generalisations about women who have just given birth based on your own experiences of being in hospital? I presume you don't particularly appreciate the sweeping generalisations that are made about teenage mums based on their ages - it works both ways.

Recovery does get harder as you get older. At 22 I bounced back very quickly from a c section. Walking around after 2 hours, self discharged the next day and went to Tesco on the way home. I’m not sure I could do that now at 37, though I’m generally still fit, well and active (in no way old and decrepit).

ultimately though, your recovery time doesn’t really impact how you’ll parent for the next 18 years. I don’t think age has a huge baring on whether or not you’re a good parent despite what mumsnet would have you believe. I’ve known good and bad parents of all ages.

You made a sweeping generalisation. I corrected you through my experience. Yes I was young, he never ruined my life. Also I don't think I did get unlucky as on each tike out of the three children I've had, I've always witnessed at least 1 older woman not have a clue what to do with their baby. It's quite shocking.

I had my first at 19 and went on to graduate, have two more kids and build a proper career. It's tough but with the love and support you sound willing to give your DD, that new little family unit may well thrive. There are many positives to being young parents and a long and close relationship with the grand-parents can be one of them for example. Best of luck to all of you!

Your a good mum just keep supporting her. It's not the end of the world even if it wasn't planned.
I am sure everyone will adapt to a new baby in the home in time.
See how things go and if not working after baby born speak to your DD. Speak to the council. Everything will be fine but congratulations.

I don't know why this post just popped up for me but I wanted to say that I had my first baby when I was 18. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, it wasn't. But my child was so loved, we are both successful (as in, I wasn't held back career wise) and my family, after the initial shock, adored her (and still do!). My mum was just amazing, she was so supportive and such a wonderful nanna to my my DD, i often think of how I would have managed without her. You sound like one of those mums too

@VerbenaGirl you are a great mum
Some hard to read replies so I stopped reading.
Your dd and her bf are the ones to make the decision what to do.
Just support them as best you can
Dd2 needs support also and space to study which I'm sure you will be there to support her from reading your posts and your probably worrying about uni funds for dd2.
Student finance will be available for course fee and maintenance for accommodation depending on your earnings.
Would dd1 be able to manage on her own with baby if bf and you are at work.
Hope everything works out

What a wonderful supportive mum you are