18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

@Cheeeeislifenow There are some nasty comments on this thread.

There are some people who don't like hearing the truth.

with the fallout for her stupidity

It's not 'stupid' to become pregnant when using contraception! It's not 'stupid' to keep a baby (at any age)! Most accidental pregnancies occur in older women anyway but we just don't hear about it. Fact.

I would be bloody furious.

It's lovely that you are being supportive buy in reality who is going to pay for and look after that baby?

Assuming op you are in you mid 40's are you able to afford to give up work /reduce hours to help out.

And you poor dd2 it will massively impact her.

I know I sound harsh but I would possibly step back from quite so supportive and give you DD and her bf a reality check. It all very easy to want to keep the baby when your DD doesn't need to deal with the implications of their actions.

Even if you do step in and help out, your daughter possibly needs to make this decision based on the harsh reality of life.

DD1was 18 when she had our much loved DGS . Both her BF and his family said they would be there and be supportive . Lasted until DGS was 6 months .
DD and DGS lived with us until he was 10 , I went part time to help with child care while DD worked FT .
It was hard . Very hard . But we now have an amazing bond with DGS16 .
So long as you are prepared for BF ( and family) not being as involved as promised, I am sure it will be ok . Good luck !

Oh OP I feel for you. What a shock. It is very young. But just to give a positive outlook. My younger sister got pregnant at 17. Lived with my parents for the first year. We all absolutely doted on that wee baby. 24 years later she's still married to that boyfriend and that baby is a delightful young lady. It'll be hard but it can work out with supportive parents like you.

@OdkinsBodkins It's not 'stupid' to become pregnant when using contraception!
Do we know she (or her BF) was actually using protection?

It's not 'stupid' to keep a baby (at any age)!
It is when you have no income and a serious health condition.

Most accidental pregnancies occur in older women anyway but we just don't hear about it.
If we don't hear about then how do we know? You make no sense.

Fact.
Because you say so?

The negativity on threads like these really surprises me. It's not ideal to have a baby at 18 but so many people seem to think it's a disaster and awful - I can't really understand why?

To my mind having a baby at 18 has huge positives - for one thing all the adults involved are younger and have more energy, which is needed for a baby. Being young also means that everyone will have the massive advantage of being with that child for many more years than they would had it been born later - I think many people overlook that. Having young, involved and loving grandparents is a huge bonus for a child. This baby also means that your daughter won't have the heartbreak of unwanted childlessness - I would much rather my DD have a wanted emphasis on wanted baby at 18 than get to 36 and realise it isn't going to happen because something has gone wrong along the way. Having a baby early means you can build your life around the child, rather than having to fit them in later on, which can be much more difficult, especially with an established career. I think if my mum were honest she'd say she would now have loved me to have a baby at 19 while I was at home, when I first met DH because instead I had a baby at 27 (and another at 30) while living in another country and she hardly gets to see her grandchildren.

I know a few young mums and while they did have some tough times I know none of them would change it and in many ways they had a better time than older mums - largely down to the advantages of being younger (do not underestimate the physical pluses of being young) and having supportive families.

A baby isn't a disaster, it's a new addition to the family, an actual person. I do wonder sometimes if the negativity is due to hangover from the time when having a baby at 18 'out of wedlock' brought shame on the family and was seen as a huge failing. There seems to be an expectation that a teenager having a baby draws disapproval. Aren't we beyond that at this stage??

Try and focus on the practicalities. Make lists of what you all need to do and tackle them bit by bit. Look into what benefits she can claim and where you can source items she will need. You can get great used items at a really good price so don’t need to spend a fortune. Clear out space in your house as much as you can to all be as comfortable as possible. Talk about roles and responsibilities around feeding, cleaning up, bath times. I’m sure there’s a lot to think about so by writing it down and talking it through you will feel more in control. Also talk to the midwife and health visitor teams they might be able to offer support and advice even at this early stage.
Think ahead to when DD2 will be doing exams. How old will the baby be? Can the mum and baby stay at the dads house some of the time then to create more space for you at home for example?
On the plus side the baby will be surrounded by lots of love and support. Yes night feeds etc are hard and there will be lots of juggling to do but it will be an amazing addition to your family. Good luck to you and your family.

When I was at school, a friend became pregnant at 17. She kept the baby (father wasn’t involved) and stayed with her mum for a year or so. I know she needed the support of her mum as I sometimes saw them out and about. TBH, at the time I wondered if my friend was coping. However when the baby was a toddler, my friend went to uni and took the baby with her as there was a crèche and special support.

So, firstly you’re a great mum supporting her, secondly I think it’s best she stays with you not get her own flat, and thirdly, with thought and careful steps she can still live her life and not be ‘disadvantaged’ by this. The only thing I would worry about would be her being tied to the father of her baby and that holding her back by impacting her thoughts and plans.

I was your DD2 - my sister had a baby in her late teens, while I was taking exams. It was a huge change, obviously, but it didn't have any lasting negative affect on me - having my own room helped I guess. I was at school during the day too.

The relationship between my sister and her BF didn't last beyond the birth of their child but give your DD/BFs relationship a chance (maybe this'll be the one to beat the odds!). He's working and he and his family appear supportive...all that will help your daughter through her pregnancy.

I will say that my mum carried a lot (A LOT) of the load, even as a kid I could see that. So I agree with others who've said that supporting your daughter to develop a career will massively benefit her (as it would any young woman just starting out in life) because with health issues and a baby she will face more challenges than most young women her age. But plenty of people face challenges and overcome them. And again, she's just starting out, she'll get there! PP mentioned teaching your DD1 to drive - that gave my sister a lot of freedom.

I always describe my nephew as "the first man I fell in love with", it hit me like a juggernaut when I met him for the first time. If your post and responses are anything to go by both your DD will be just fine!

You'll cope, I know a couple of people who had babies when they were 16, still at high school. It didn't ruin their lives, it was the making of them. Those babies are now in their 20s and they both have amazing relationships with their mum's. One thing both these people I know have in common? Amazing supportive families. Neither were wealthy at the time so it isn't that they just threw money at things (though they are comfortable now). There was no rush to kick their daughters out, neither relationship with the baby's dad's lasted, they both went on to marry and have more children though.

I guess it's a shock and not ideal but it isn't the end of the world, a new life is on the way, focus on supporting your daughter and the positives, not the inconvenience/disappointment you feel.

In all honesty I'd be talking to her about a termination.

I know this is not your decision but everything about this is so wrong.

She barely knows the boy- dating for 9 months.
She has other health issues.
He's working but training (and only 18 too?)
They have no real income.
They don't drive.

Everything is stacked against this child being given a sound start in life with two, mature parents.

The odds are their relationship won't work out anyway. It's very early days, they live 40 mins apart, they have no transport.....

They may be 18, but in terms of development and being able to support themselves, they are still children.

What sort of life will she have with a baby? On benefits for a long time? Asking you to be a childminder?

Is she going to continue her education and get a career so she can support herself and the child?

Do you have a partner and what does he think?

@EleanorRavenclaw Try and focus on the practicalities. Make lists of what you all need to do and tackle them bit by bit.

Why should this fall to OP?
She isn't pregnant.
It's her pregnant DD and BF that should be stepping up to the plate and getting a taste of reality.

I find it funny how on mumsnet every single teen mom went on to escape poverty, establish a brilliant career and find a stable relationship. Of course only those who are happy with the outcome are willing to share their stories. The single moms who struggle on benefits and never went back to school are hardly going to talk about it here, are they?

OP, look at actual statistics. Not mumsnet anecdotas.

Having a baby at 18 is choosing to play life on hard mode. Is limiting your choices. Is directing your resources away from yourself before you've had a chance to establish yourself as an adult and gain stabilty, self-sufficiency and emotional maturity.

I would gently encourage her to think long and hard about this.

I know all the focus is on DD1 on this thread, but all I can think about is DD2. Things are going to be so, so much more difficult for her to study and achieve now, thanks to choices she didn’t make or have a say in.

It's true people don't read properly here, it's frustrating. I understand the point you were making and feel the same way. Sorry you keep having people making a counter argument to a point you never tried to make.

It's a very young relationship - not even a year together - which is nothing at their age.

If this was a young couple who were together longer, had some income, were already at uni etc and could use a creche on site, maybe it would be a go-er.

But this is not how they are.

OP as long as your DD is prepared to be a single parent, and struggle for years juggling studying and childcare, then fine. But realistically she will not be with this boy and you will be doing a lot of the childcare.

How does that fit with where you are in your life? And your H? Are you ready to be full time grandparents in your 40s or whatever age you are?

Hi OP,
Just wanted to say that I had my DS at 18 unexpectedly and due to having a supportive mum like you, I managed to get my degree, masters, and get in to my dream career. It would've been a disaster without the help of my mum! If she can live with you I think that will really help her as she's probably going to have a bit of a rough ride for a couple of years.
I moved out when pregnant with an abusive partner but then moved back in with my mum quite quickly after the birth. My DS is now 10 and him and my mum have an amazing bond. Wishing you all so much luck and happiness x

That's great @lavenderlove But truly- you are not Ms Average.

Most young girls who are single mums at 18 do not achieve what you have.

Many are supported by their parents then the state.

For every one post like yours, there are dozens (not posted) where young women are finding it hard to cope.

Read the other threads on MN where single mums talk about the problems they have.

I think the crux of this post is the short time they DD has been with the boyfriend.

Very very few couples who meet at 17 are together for life.

Some are - and yes, they will pop up here to say that- but statistically, no they are not.

You will be ok. Lot of people to love the baby. MN is very pro termination for teens but there are some teens who make fantastic parents. One of my friends had her eldest as a teen and her kids are all lovely people.

Agree that of course it will have an effect on DS2 but have you been taking any notice of the current climate… It won’t be easy for them at 18 to just rent a flat!

It sounds like you are being very supportive.

I am glad you are going to make sure she gets all the information.

What I can't understand is that she was on contraception, so actively trying NOT to get pregnant but it sounds like she is flat refusing to consider an abortion.

Basically I knew 3 x 18 year old girls who accidentally got pregnant in the first year of uni. All of them were on contraception. All of them had abortions and then went on to have a family at a later stage when they planned it, more financially secure, established a career and in a stable relationship.

This.

I would be furious, OP.

Prepare for your house to be buried under an avalanche of colorful plastic, your sleep to be disturbed, your bills to rocket and your worries to increase tenfold. All because two children want to have a go at parenting.

I’m always shocked at how little thought people put into bringing another child into the world. Like it’s an itch to be scratched instead of the most responsible choice you will ever make towards another human being. It should only ever be attempted if you are in a position to offer that new life the best start possible.

Good luck. You will need it.

The main message that comes through over and over again is grandmothers having to raise their grandchildren, provide a home, provide childcare, finance their daughters choice. DD2 will likely be fine but are you up for another 20 years of parenting OP? If not then you need to manage your daughter’s expectations.

Wow! For one this is not OPs decision, it’s her DDs! The stress she will put on her DD and their relationship, if she keeps bringing up termination will be huge, especially if she has made her decision.