I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

[shmiz]

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

There was a case a few years ago where the mother of a 14 year old girl who had cooperated with her daughter by allowing her older boyfriend to stay over. The judge excoriated that woman for being so slack. The age of consent is there for a reason - protection.
I have seen loads of girls (and boys) who get in too deep and can't handle it at that age: loads of tears when dumped, when exams are failed, when other boys flock round because they think the girl is available. As a matter of interest, what would you say if daughter turned up with a man of 21? Does he get to stay? Or 2 or 3 different boys over a year or two? Or worst of all, will you take the blame if it all goes wrong and she accuses you of causing it because you never stopped her when she was so young?

You’ve done everything you possibly could. But ultimately, if they want to have sex, they will. She’s a credit to you that she came to you with her worries though. No way would I have told my mum any of that at her age! You sound like a lovely mum OP

Hi all! First time posting! I went for an early scan today and was told all well and good (thankfully) however, I just noticed on the scan report that it says “FH was detected” lots of conflicting things come up when googling. Is this something I should be concerned by?

thank you :)

The age of consent is there for a reason - protection

Absolutely, for both parties.

You could I think be charged with Child Abuse. Because DD is only 14 and you are helping and assisting I think your position if things go wrong and police or SS became involved would be weak
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dear God let's turn this into s complete drama!!
Absolutely no way would op beccharged with child abuse!
Do you actually work with teens. I dont mean in a school but in another capacity?
I do. Teenagers having sex with a similar age boyfriend in a relationship would not mean op would be prosecuted on this scenario. The courts would have to be open 24hrs a day 7 days a week prosecuting parents if this was the case(read mum's more like!) If bf was a lot older and had groomed her then he would be charged and hopefully prosecuted which is only right and does happen.

You haven't let her down- I massively respect you as a mum for allowing her to have a boyfriend, have the door shut etc as my mum did for me. It's so important to have an element of trust, and rather she had her first time in a bed than in a dodgy field or car somewhere!! It's great she feels like she can talk about it with you too- as others have said, take her for the pill/ contraception, have a chat & keep your relationship as open as poss.

it’s gross to think about and I just can’t imagine that teens having sex would be anything other than horrendously awkward and crap, especially for the girl, but in my school 14 was probably the age when my school friends started to become sexually experimental. However there was real range in that - I didn’t have a boyfriend til 6th form and that wasn’t unusual, but it also wasn’t particularly unusual for people to be dating in school and having sex at 15/16.

From my experiences at school I think I’d be worried about potential fall out if they break up and there is a lot of chat - unfortunately does still affect girls more than boys and with social media I would be really worried about people chatting shit -and also if the relationship could
potentially become a bit obsessive or develop into something a bit controlling. When I was at school a couple of the ‘established’ relationships that started in about year 9 turned a bit sinister at 6th form when the boys - and it was the boys- started cheating/lying/trying to dictate whether or not their girlfriends went to university. Of course not all of them were like that but I do agree that it’s a big investment of emotional energy at that age and it can get a bit intense. Not much you can do other than keeping talking about it though!

@SammyScrounge

What your talking about his mothers allowing adult men to stay and have sex with their daughters. That is statutory rape. You can’t possibly compare a 21 year old staying to a boy a mere one year or less (so the same age really) having sex with a girl of 14.

The age made those cases not the fact that teens had sex behind a closed door.

This is quite interesting re having sex later.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/millennials-lose-virginities-later-age-26-a8340156.html?amp

And this says 18 is average age.

motherwellcheshirecio.com/2020/04/05/virginity-peer-pressure/

I am of course aware than many teens go to parties, snog, start sexual activity. It progresses. At what age, though? You want a 14 year old being fully sexually active. I don't have dd's admittedly. But I wouldn't want it for a child so young.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

No offense but look at the nature of the site you’ve pulled those figures from. They’re clearly catering to mothers with your beliefs surrounding sex so of course they’re going to say normal is later. Reality is (as most on her remember and know) loads were having sex usually starting between 13 to 16 (13 14 being on the younger side but not uncommon by any means).

So many of you only seeing the romantic side of this family and the practical way OP is managing it all. But it is often far from romantic IRL.
One way that things can go wrong is if they break up and boy starts bragging about shagging the girl and her mum buying the Durex for them. That could easily happen when he is with his mates or with a new girlfriend.
Story will get around and get back to her Dad. He will be very annoyed by OP's deception.

Teenagers getting together and breaking up is to be expected, if it got worse than that, perhaps in a years time with alcohol involved. Social Services might easily get involved. Shit hits fan, family covered in it!
Child Protection Services face all kinds of things from this gentle family up to Mothers hiring out their 12yr olds. They would investigate to ascertain the limits.
The duty of parenthood is a shared duty. Like the commercial "jointly and severally". Tell her that you must tell her Father. She is your daughter not your mate not your best friend. Duties and obligations not girly solidarity.

You sound like a brilliant Mum OP - a fourteen year old talking to you about this is an achievement in itself! I’d say try to discuss long term contraception methods - pill, implant, depo injection - but also strongly encourage the use of condoms at all times.

@notacooldad.

She’s correct though. 27 years in safeguarding. It could be viewed as neglectful or enabling. Whetherit’s amusing or not. It’s the truth.

The age of consent in UK is 16. As a parent you try and instil this into your kids. You might not always succeed, if they want to they’ll find somewhere, but you don’t close the bedroom door on a 14 year old. You’re helping them break the law.

And it is a law, even though there is minomal
prosecution.

I think it sounds like a lovely and healthy relationship.
yes to long term contraception implant -forget the condos as they are only having sex with each other so no risk of disease.
Main risk is of getting hurt when it finishes t that’s the price for having any relationship worth having.

Just seen the @eatingapie post. At least I am not a total lone voice.
Telling the Father may well be difficult and will change the dynamic. It should change it. OP must take his point of view into consideration. He and his brain and his views are 50% of the decision making, DD will give her views but you both cannot abdicate your responsibilities and leave it to a 14yr old to set the pace. Bloody difficult as that will be for OP+DH. We dodged this situation but we did prepare for it.

I think one of the things about encouraging the use of condoms (besides another form of contraception) is that the boyfriend has to take some responsibility too. It shouldn't all be on her. The sooner he gets used to the idea and feeling of a condom the better - for your DD and other relationships in the future. Too many condom averse blokes in the world spreading STIs and making unwanted babies!

I know it depends where you live but It would be incredible to me if social services would ever get involved in a situation as described! As in I feel like this would barely register.

As for safeguarding, I’d have to report this situation if kid at school told me about it but I don’t think the DSL would take any action unless there was a concerning pattern ie.there was further indications of abuse or grooming. I think they’d probably send them off to the school nurse/Brook as I’m not sure they’d be able to contact home about it…? I’ve always found school safeguarding teams to be pretty hard bitten and pragmatic but again that could be a result of our particular context.

@wandawhy i don’t think you mean me! I basically think it’s not an ideal situation but the best thing is for OP to carry on with doing what’s she’s doing and keep talking to her. I mean horse stables bolted comes to mind. I don’t think involving the Dad is a good idea unless it takes some sort of sinister turn.

I remember being the old maid virgin at 16, all my friends had been sexually active for years! It's pretty normal

No, it isn't pretty normal. Unless there is another universe I am aware of.

OP, i get why you used the word gutted. I've DD's and I am fully preparing for it. But you sound like a caring and attentive mother. All you can do now is help her make the safest choices.

Only advice is get her on the implant immediately. The pill involves her remembering to take it - if she’s forgotten condoms don’t take the risk.

*notacooldad.

She’s correct though. 27 years in safeguarding. It could be viewed as neglectful or enabling. Whetherit’s amusing or not. It’s the truth
In 37 years of working with young people , most of them having sex from the age if 14, including all those with social services have been involved not one case has it been suggested thst the mother should be prosecuted with neglect if she knows that her child has had sex with a boyfriend who is a similar age. If the boyfriend is well over 16 that is a different issue.

forget the condos as they are only having sex with each other so no risk of disease.

that is terrible advice!

Do NOT put your daughter on the pill. No need to fuck up her body whilst she is still a child.

Fucking hell. Some people...