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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

255 replies

shmiz · 04/08/2022 10:38

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

OP posts:
Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 16:18

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor there are many other places

Some of the best sex I had as a teen was a local field! Learnt a lot about better positions for each type of landscape!!

Gerwurtztraminer · 04/08/2022 16:22

Kindofcrunchy · 04/08/2022 15:59

Good grief, the pearl clutchers on this thread 😂 when my parents and his "banned us" from meeting up for sex at our houses, we just did it in his car. 🤷‍♀️

I know! Back seat of a car was a regular option in my day - we could get a driving licence at 15 back then and for more rural kids in particular, needed access to a car for getting to school, hobbies, sport and social activities. I first had sex in my bedroom when mum had gone to the movies (in the daytime) with my younger sister. One of my friends was having sex after school with her boyfriend in his Dad's garden tool shed/mancave which had a rickety old sofa. Went on for months till his parents caught them (and made her tell her mum under threat they would). Another snuck out at night and met her boyfriend in her parents old caravan parked up behind the garage. One had sex up against a tree in the local park - we all thought that hilarious at the time. We were all 14-16 when this was going on and it was totally normal in our social circles.

Horny teenagers will find a way and you can't be supervising them 24/7, and banning them from seeing each other never works.

Also, why do so many people assume it's the girl 'being taken advantage of' and needs advice on consent? Boys can feel pressured too.

OP is doing a good job in keeping communication open and her daughter trusting her to talk to. Agree condoms are not enough and the pill or alternative is needed - even adults get caught up in the moment and don't use them, less alone teenagers in first flush of lust and raging hormones.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/08/2022 16:24

just because they haven't had a BF doesn't mean its not happening, do you know what's happening at all times, friends houses, parties, in bushes, in the car etc

Yes, I do. She doesn't go to parties or in bushes (what?!) or in any cars bar mine. I do get we don't always know what our teens are doing but in my case, with my DD, I do. I know where she is and who she is with at all times.

I fully expect this situation to change as she gets older, has more freedom, is in the later stages of school, and will adapt accordingly but for now, she doesn't go to parties or any where she could possibly be having sex, and the type of friendship group she has, like ArseintheCoopWindow (great name!) says, are into hanging out together, no romantic stuff. I was a bit surprised actually, as my memories from early teens was being pressurised to kiss boys when I didn't want to, but they all seem much more confident that we were then, and not into this at all.

Amantha00 · 04/08/2022 16:24

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 15:53

@Staynow l work in a secondary school and l think the same as you.

l wouldn’t have let them close the door either. It’s a potential safeguarding issue.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Its really not. It’s two teenagers in a private residence in their bedroom. They can do it anywhere. Teens will have sex in a field or the school toilets.

Who would make a 14 year old have their bedroom door open with friends at all times?

puffyisgood · 04/08/2022 16:25

Well, there aren't many clues but the words "...loads of time together..." and "...he’s like my best friend..." both, to me, hinted that this couple are quite possibly, maybe even possibly, spending more time together than they are with same-sex friends.

That, to me, is very wrong for a year 9 girl.

If you wanted to teach a girl to grow up to be independent/able to stand on her own two feet/make same sex friendships/not jump into the first romantic relationship that offers itself up regardless of quality upon being made newly single, etc etc, spending all of your early-mid teens coupled up would for me be just about the worst way to do it.

IGiveUpalready · 04/08/2022 16:25

shmiz · 04/08/2022 11:19

Wow - cheers folks that is SO helpful !!
first timers for both of them
I'm not sure how I’m going to look at the young man without flapping if he pops over today - let alone think about talking to him about it all yet, need to process and talk with DD and consider that at a later date …
need to act fast with getting condoms and will talk to her about pill / implant etc
yes her dads with us, he works away weekdays, she’s asked me not to tell him because it’s embarrassing, I’ll let him but make it clear he isn’t to broach it with her, as that may jeopardise her talking to me and I don’t want to break her confidence but dad needs to know to support me !!!

I think you have had plenty of advice etc and forgive me as I have only read your comments, but I don't think I would tell her Dad unless you absolutely need support. You clearly have a good relationship with her as she has approached you with her concerns - if her Dad found out, would she still speak with you? Could he keep quiet? Obviously you know them both the best.

Amantha00 · 04/08/2022 16:26

@EarringsandLipstick

You don’t let your daughter go to parties?

And lots of girls (myself included) were more than willing to kiss our boyfriends - no pressure needed applying.

notacooldad · 04/08/2022 16:28

The only thing I'm regretting sex wise is I'm not as horny now as I was as a teenager!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 16:28

just because they haven't had a BF doesn't mean its not happening, do you know what's happening at all times, friends houses, parties, in bushes, in the car etc

Laugrable. Mine sits in her room listening to Taylor Swift all day. She’s not going to parties or bushes. She was so scared of failing her GCSE’s she spent most of her evenings working. So unless she’s having sex on her trips to town with her mates, or at her friends houses when their parents are there she’s not doing it.

Not everyone wants to be sexually active at 16. We live in a world of Demi/trans/asexual/fluid. Everyone matures at different rates.

Amantha00 · 04/08/2022 16:28

@Gerwurtztraminer

No reason to think either are being taken advantage of - less to think it’s an issue of consent.
yes teens can be pressured or worse but the reality is most of the sexual activity engaged in by teens is done so with gusto.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 16:30

@Amantha00

Do you work in safeguarding?

Honeysuckle9 · 04/08/2022 16:31

I’m not being pearl clutchy and realise this is far too late but clearly don’t let them have the door closed

Blueberrywitch · 04/08/2022 16:32

You’re an amazing mum OP and I’m sorry that you’re feeling ashamed about this! I would never in a million years have told my mum I was sexually active, I think she thought I was a virgin for many more years than I was. Maybe it’s a year or two earlier than you thought it would happen but the main thing is she trusts you to talk to you about it, it’s also with someone that she loves and has a friendship with, that’s special and positive.

Just keep her full of ambition for her future, keep her bonds with her girl friends string, and then boy dramas won’t be able to throw her off course.

Blueberrywitch · 04/08/2022 16:32

*strong

RightMessUp · 04/08/2022 16:34

I was 14 and my boyfriend was 14. We dated a good long while and had a lot of fun and lots and lots of sex 😅 I have never regretted it. I told my Mum and she thought I was too young but she was always supportive to me. I went to the GP to sort contraception.

We were extremely careful with contraception though and never ever took any risks. We used the pill plus condoms. I'd be really worried about you daughter risking pregnancy. That's really stupid and immature.

Are you going to speak to the boyfriend?

Blueberrywitch · 04/08/2022 16:35

I agree though with PP I wouldn’t tell her dad unless you needed his support. Just keep her confidence for now.

Blueberrywitch · 04/08/2022 16:36

I would also be worried about the unprotected part though, when I was 15 and having sex I was OTT with the protection!!

GretaVanFleet · 04/08/2022 16:41

Looking back to my own school years. The only people who never had boyfriends or girlfriends until 18+ were the weird and/or ugly children.

Same applies into adulthood. It's not a badge of honour that your teen has never had a boyfriend, if their friendship circle is also all in the same boat the odds are, they're the weird ones

What a crock!

willybumpoo · 04/08/2022 16:41

the majority of us were still virgins until we left school at 18.

I think this is quite unusual, IME the majority of my friends and wider circle at school were 16 or 17 and in 6th form when they had sex for the first time. So obviously older than OPs DD but it would be seen as fairly unusual to start uni as a virgin (nothing wrong with that of course)

Amantha00 · 04/08/2022 16:42

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 16:30

@Amantha00

Do you work in safeguarding?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

No. Are parents all supposed to work in safeguarding before they let their teens have friends around? Are they supposed to supervise their teens and their friends at all times? Because that doesn’t even happen at school.

wandawhy · 04/08/2022 16:42

I understand you are managing this very practically. It is great that DD can talk to you.
It is difficult to believe that you would get away with this if it came to Law.
She is a child. She should not be having sex. That is as far as the Law goes.
You could I think be charged with Child Abuse. Because DD is only 14 and you are helping and assisting I think your position if things go wrong and police or SS became involved would be weak. It would be difficult for a barrister to argue for you.
What could your defence be? Others may come here and shoot me down but I really would be interested to hear the legal side.
Personally I think you are wrong in not telling your husband her father. It is not fair to take her side against him. It is not right to deny him the chance to be a parent to his 14 yr old child. That is wrong of you. Parental duties are to each other They are the adults. It is not for one parent to side with a child over something this serious.
Every other thread has a comment "He should be taking 50% share of parenting".
It applies even if vaginas are involved.
You will find you need his support if things go wrong.

Amantha00 · 04/08/2022 16:44

I would keep this between the two of you. She came to you for a reason - because she felt you as her mum and another girl would keep her secret and not tell dad. Unless she continues unprotected I would honestly never tell him, what good would it do?
They’ll probably break up anyway. Just make sure she uses protection from now on.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/08/2022 16:45

wandawhy · 04/08/2022 16:42

I understand you are managing this very practically. It is great that DD can talk to you.
It is difficult to believe that you would get away with this if it came to Law.
She is a child. She should not be having sex. That is as far as the Law goes.
You could I think be charged with Child Abuse. Because DD is only 14 and you are helping and assisting I think your position if things go wrong and police or SS became involved would be weak. It would be difficult for a barrister to argue for you.
What could your defence be? Others may come here and shoot me down but I really would be interested to hear the legal side.
Personally I think you are wrong in not telling your husband her father. It is not fair to take her side against him. It is not right to deny him the chance to be a parent to his 14 yr old child. That is wrong of you. Parental duties are to each other They are the adults. It is not for one parent to side with a child over something this serious.
Every other thread has a comment "He should be taking 50% share of parenting".
It applies even if vaginas are involved.
You will find you need his support if things go wrong.

I agree.

Amantha00 · 04/08/2022 16:46

@wandawhy

there is zero chance of OP being charged with child abuse ffs. Do you realise how common teens of this age having sex is? Sometimes it’s 14, sometimes 15 or sometimes 16. But three quarters of the school will have had sex before they graduate.

Folklore9074 · 04/08/2022 16:46

Think you’ve done really well OP. I was 14 like your DD and no way I could have spoken to my mum. Condoms and implant/coil/pill would be a good next step. I think banning anything/anyone is hopeless at that age. You need to keep communication open and be supportive.