I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

[shmiz]

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

You must be a great mum for her to have told you.

Teens will have sex and you can't watch them around the clock. The worst part though is that it was unprotected sex- I would be quite strict that if they aren't mature enough to be using appropriate contraception then they need to seriously consider if they are mature enough to have sex.

As another poster said, make sure she knows she doesn't always have to say yes. If she wants to have sex again that is fine as long as she uses contraception (pill/implant/depo plus condoms), but if she chooses not to that's fine. And even though you know she's having sex you certainly don't need to facilitate it- help her get contraception sorted but insist on doors open at home, try not to leave them home alone that often etc.

Make sure she knows that getting pregnant or getting an STI could have a long term negative impact. Even if she chose an abortion it's going to impact her a lot.

But her being sexually active is not a failure for you or her. She's still the same girl she was before.

@Amantha00

It would cause a few raised eyebrows at my place, and maybe some questions.

.It’s a parents responsibility to protect their child until they are of a suitable age. Leaving them in a bedroom with a door closed is putting them in a dodgy situation. How is that protecting?

They can’t control what she gets up to outside the house, but she should be protected within the house. Legally they are on dodgy ground

You can’t stop them having sex but there’s such as thing as enabling.

And in my 27 years working in safeguarding and teaching this is negligent.

Just to echo PPS, you're doing a great job!

My Mum never spoke to me about this and I'd have died of embarrassment if she did! My own teen is also sexually active and I'm so glad he feels comfortable talking to me about it.

All we can do is make sure they are prepared and taking precautions. I also wouldn't beat yourself up about allowing them in the room with the door shut etc, if they want to do it they'll find a way!

No - it's not something their friendship group do, it's nothing to do with parents deciding. In fact, none of the 15 yos I know have parties, in various parts of Ireland. My DD and her friends are sporty, and also go for long walks, get coffee, that kind of thing.

Not sure what you mean about pressure / kissing - sure, lots of people want to be kissing boys / girls, but lots don't. I didn't. My DD and her friendship group (male and female) don't, yet. That's what I meant about pressure - I felt pressurised to, she doesn't.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Lol legally negligent for a teenager to be behind closed doors with their friends?

Cant leave teens together with a door closed because it’s not protecting them?

good lord get a grip - doing the things you suggest is a good way to raise a young adult who resents how controlling you are and either rebels fully against it or is living in fear of you catching them growing up.

Legally absolutely nothing will happen to the parent whose teen had sex with another teen behind a closed door. Please show me the convictions for that.

And one of my friends started having sex with her boyfriend at that age. They are now 43 and still together. They have three children and the first wasn't born until she was 29.

Lots in my school were having sex in Y9, it wasn't unusual then and I'm sure it's not now.

My DS is about to go into Y9 and I think he's a long way away from having a girlfriend but we've talked about contraception, consent etc as I've always just introduced it bit by bit in an age appropriate way.

I certainly wouldn't allow him to have a girlfriend in his room with the doors closed until they were both 16 but I wouldn't expect them to leave the house if I was popping out for an hour and leaving them alone.

Are you saying I’m making it up?

Maybe it is my age ? Or the sort of group we were ? Although DH was also a virgin until university. The only one of my close group who wasn’t still a virgin when she left school had been abused. So not technically a virgin but she’d not had a partner. I was the last at 23, but a couple were 20/21 and the others first year of uni. I went to an all girls school, so that may have been a factor too ?

@EarringsandLipstick

none of the 15 yo you know are going to parties because the 15 yo you know are your daughters friends. A lot of 15 year olds go to parties.

And there is no way none of your daughters male and female friendship group don’t want to kiss and do sexual stuff - cmon talk about naive. Think - if your giving off the vibe that parties and kissing are wrong they’re hardly going to be open with you as a parental figure about it are they?

Parties, making out, sexual exploration - totally normal for 15. And the idea of no one in a whole friendship group doing it (much less thinking about it) is laughable.

It's not a disaster and communication is good. Help her get the pill. Condoms may be a good idea re STDs. And an STD test perhaps.

I think it's a perfectly reasonable question under the circumstances.

No-one is forced to respond

Surprised at the naivety of some women on here thinking most 15 year olds aren’t wanting to be sexual and starting to explore that. Also truly shocked that anyone keeps doors open with friends around or boyfriends. Heck I wouldn’t have even expected that in 1950.

Do you think she wants to continue to have sex with him? Twice in a month doesn’t sound like much (if they enjoyed it, if you see what I mean?) and I’d be worried she’s doing it because it’s expected now they’ve done it once. Sex should be fun, and make you feel good. I’d prefer not at 14, but it’s fairly common.

2x types of contraception def a good idea, but just check in in her first. Being on the pill might increase the expectation that she will have sex.

Condoms, the pill, celebrate the fact she’s had her first time with someone she cares about, that she felt safe, and DO NOT tell her Dad! Don’t make it about you!

This would bother me. I sound be most unhappy. There's a reason why the legal age is 16. Unprotected sex twice in the last month is not good, plus they've only been going out 4 months. I'd be talking to her, a lot. Asking why she's not using condoms.

There's a reason why the legal age is 16

I’d love to know what that reason is. It could just as easily be 15 or 17, it’s all a bit arbitrary.

@Amantha00

This isn't what the thread is about so I wish you'd stop picking on my DD's experiences - OP started the thread for support with her own DD and her situation - but as you have commented, I'll reply.

none of the 15 yo you know are going to parties because the 15 yo you know are your daughters friends. A lot of 15 year olds go to parties.

I'm not sure why you keep making stuff up. The 15 yos I know are not all my DD's friends - they are from different locations around the country and some are colleagues' DDs, some are DDs of college friends - not linked to my own DD at all. I guess it may be reflective of the particular cohort of people I work with and know, I don't kno.

Of course a lot of 15yos go to parties. Just none I know. And there's nothing wrong with either scenario.

And there is no way none of your daughters male and female friendship group don’t want to kiss and do sexual stuff - cmon talk about naive.

Not naïve - at the moment, none of them do. My DD is really open and I'm open as a parent. I have two younger DSs, and can see that they are already interested in girls and suspect their situation will be different by 15. All fine.
Teens, like people in general, are all different. They decide what they want to do sexually, at different times and stages. My DD and I speak openly about relationships and sex - I'm not saying being in romantic relationships at 15 or not being is good or bad - just reflecting different choices that teens make.

Think - if your giving off the vibe that parties and kissing are wrong they’re hardly going to be open with you as a parental figure about it are they?

This is so offensive as well as annoying. You are again making stuff up. Where have I said parties and / or kissing are wrong? I've explicitly said the opposite. I'm only saying - my DD doesn't do either at the moment (and that was a follow on to a suggestion that I didn't know what she might be doing when at parties etc).
She's very open with me. I am with her and all my DC. I have no issues about them having age-appropriate relationships, or sexual relationships in time. Stop making crap up.

Parties, making out, sexual exploration - totally normal for 15. And the idea of no one in a whole friendship group doing it (much less thinking about it) is laughable.

For some 15 yos - yes. For others - no. And neither is inherently 'right' or 'wrong', so stop suggesting it is. And I am correct about her whole friendship group - this is exactly how they are, whether you believe it or not.

What's 'laughable' is that you can't see that different teens and groups of teens, in different locations, might make different choices.

I'm horrified at the number of posters saying 14 is normal.

World of difference in maturity between 14 and 16.

no one in our school was having sex at age 14. Very very few at age 16. Our age group were 17.18/19 before our first encounters.

At 14 we were giggling talking about snogging!

I can't imagine being an adult and remembering my first time being at age 14. It's really quite sad that we are seemingly fine with children having sex.

@Amantha00

But not everyone has the same experience. Why are you doubting that people are different than you? Or if teens aren’t shagging wildly it’s due to repressive parents.

Its just not true. Do you have teens? They’re all different and individual. Mines not interested in parties. If she wanted to go she could. Plenty of 16 year olds are at it, but lots aren’t.

Some are just quiet and shy and home birds and some aren’t. Just like adults. I don’t think every student in my y10-13 classes were at it like rabbits!

It was a sliding scale, more in Y13, but even then not all of them.

Also, the main reason I would not be encouraging this in the slightest is the connection between the risk of cervical cancer and how early you start having sex.

I've read through a few pages and no mention of this?

You have to be 25 before you get a smear. Could be 9 years of something festering inside of you and by the time you get your first smear, you're beyond help. This has happened. Far too many times.

14 and a child is clearly no age to be taking on board this concept.

They’re having sex, it’s not ideal. But it’s done. My mother quizzed me as she knew I had a serious bf. I couldn’t pretend otherwise and was petrified I was pregnant at 15 - the condom split. She in her wisdom decided to ignore me until I got my period. The feelings of shame I still hold from that even though they do not belong to me are enormous.

This sort of attitude will not help a sexually active child.

@Blossomtoes
There are very good reasons. If you look it up.
Why do you think? Think about what age IS ok. 11, 12, 13? You may think a mature 15 year old is ready. They may well be. But the law states 16.

First of all, most of us as parents agree, that whilst young people do/may have sex, ideally for emotionally maturity, they Probably don't have the developed emotional maturity enough to cope with sex and what it means and a possible relationship, under 16.

Plus consent is a very interesting issue as well. Not just sexual consent, eg also consent re medical issues. Do you think an under 16 had the maturity to decide re and GA for an operation? Consent is a big big thing, in dealing with anything medical. Do you want an elderly person who isn't competent, mentally, making decisions about medical treatment? Then their family arguing that they weren't mentally capable of giving consent. Tricky subject.

I had sex for the first time at 14 in similar circumstances as your daughter. I was way too young and remember being ashamed of it by the time i was about 18. I was a pretty reckless teen to be honest and thought i was much more grown up than i was.

If it were my daughter (and mjne is 14) i would be exploring with her what made her do that. I defo had some self esteem issues going on and i would say my boyfriend at the time did too.

The sex is one thing but the serious adult relationship is also concerrning.