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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Is anyone else feeling like you now want to escape the home life & parenting rut, even though you love your family?

161 replies

Calafsidentity · 14/04/2022 14:17

I have put this question in the 'teenagers' category because I am looking for responses from older parents of teenage DC.

I don't know whether I am having a Shirley Valentine moment, or this is a response to Covid and everyone wfh, or menopausal fatigue, or four years of fairly "difficult" teen behaviour which is thankfully improving now or, is this depression, or a mixture of all of these things , but ...

...I feel as though I am "done"! Like I am squeezed out and have nothing more to give. I have always been a conscientious parent, I worked hard at it as it didn't come naturally, but now I feel restless and want to do different things with my time. I feel like I have no spousal or maternal patience left and I just want everyone to look after themselves now. I feel ratty and irritable whenever someone comes to me with a problem!

I should add that I love my DH & DC very much and of course I know you are never done with parenting really! And I love spending time with my DH, especially when we're alone, but he's always working because he's at the pinnacle of his career and loves his job. And of course I will still support my youngest practically and emotionally. I love spending time with my DC too when we are relaxing together and interacting as "adults" together.

My youngest is now a young adult but is still at home attending university and so the house is running pretty much like a more relaxed version of when she was at school. My DH cooks a lot. And I do his laundry and mine. DC do their own. I so !oat of the cleaning but I am going to hire a cleaner. But this is not really about housework. I am done with the whole "living with the routines appropriate for a family unit" regular meals and early nights and "weekends". I know this sounds mad and I have never been the world's biggest rebel, so I am surprised I feel this way tbh! I am bored now by everything that comes under the title "domestic".

I want to stay up late, watch what I want on TV, have some moments alone, eat what I want without having to consider everyone else, go to bed when I want. I don't want to have to "plan" anything: meals, housework, medical appts, only stuff that is fun.

I work pt in a pretty unfulfilling role that I've been fine with for many years but suddenly want to break free and change that too! I don't want my DH saying "What time was it when you came to bed last night?" I feel constrained by family life even though I love them all to bits.

I am normally reliable, conscientious and pretty boring. What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

OP posts:

Scoobydoobydoo · 14/04/2022 14:37

I have been secretly craving a "home alone" weekend for a while.

Original poster

Calafsidentity · 14/04/2022 14:46

A secret escape pad would be lovely Scoobydoobydoo!

OP posts:

TwigTheWonderKid · 14/04/2022 14:47

I don't understand why you can't go to bed when you want to?

Haggisfish3 · 14/04/2022 14:47

I plan a weekend away for me about every two months. I go adventuring or to see friends or just to chill on my own to satisfy these feelings at the moment!

Haggisfish3 · 14/04/2022 14:48

And dh and I have separate bedrooms.

DragonOverTheMoon · 14/04/2022 14:51

Mine are 15 and 16. I feel exactly like you but I'm not menopausal yet. I want to live in a van and wake up on a cliff top looking at the sea, or buy a field and stick a caravan on it and rent out spaces for campers, I want to be free. I love my dc very much. They're not hard work, I don't even cook every night and they do loads of chores, I just don't want family life anymore. I want to live in Bali, I want to take up rowing. I don't even know what I want but I don't want domestic anymore.

DragonOverTheMoon · 14/04/2022 14:52

And you can't go to bed when you want to when you're in a routine and have chores and dc and partners to deal with. You have to get enough sleep to function and you can't just sleep in the next day when you have work.

Ideal me would stay up all night and then walk up a hill for a sunrise, then go to bed and get up in the afternoon.

TammyOne · 14/04/2022 14:54

Hahaha! Yes. And it’s Ok! I am finally really focusing on my career and full of ambition. I don’t have the headspace for domestic shit anymore. I love my family but I have a lot of plans that are really all about me… I think it’s good thing, I just hope DP can keep up…

Original poster

Calafsidentity · 14/04/2022 14:54

@TwigTheWonderKid

I don't understand why you can't go to bed when you want to?

I can and do occasionally but DH and I share a bed and it wakes him up when I come up late, plus he wakes up naturally between about 4-5 am and he does a demanding job.

OP posts:

LactoseTheIntolerant · 14/04/2022 14:54

I was chatting to a friend about exactly this, this morning. I don't really feel maternal anymore. I still love my dc to bits but am very happy to have a break from them, or for them to do stuff independently. My friend suggested we all start getting a bit like this as they get near to flying the nest as a sort of self - preservation so that when they go it's not too upsetting, I can see that logic! I've got really into a hobby in the last few years which is something I do without dc/dh and out of the house, and I absolutely bloody love it!

Timeforabiscuit · 14/04/2022 14:54

It sounds like you have been putting your own needs, wants and desires on the back burner for many years, I'd start stretching your legs a bit - go for the art exhibition that no one else is interested in, bung what you want on television, go and see the band.

Take yourself out of the equation for the drudgery - they can sort it between themselves now.

Original poster

Calafsidentity · 14/04/2022 14:58

@DragonOverTheMoon

but I don't want domestic anymore.

This is EXACTLY how I feel Dragon

I don't want to travel abroad necessarily but I want to spend long hours creating art in a shed on a rugged coast somewhere, totally alone, eating and sleeping when I want, maybe with a dog

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 14/04/2022 14:59

Me. I'm lucky it's just me and 18 year old ds so that at least I don't have the partner side to contend with. And I have to say he is a very relaxed person to live with. I feel bad for him really as I have checked out of being maternal. I provide rather basic food and do chores in the communal areas of the house, I'll process laundry if he brings it down, I pay for things if he needs them but the emotional side is very low temperature at the moment. I'm hoping that in fact I will miss him when he leaves for uni but I'm afraid what I will miss is the memory of him as a younger child.

TammyOne · 14/04/2022 15:00

Oh Dragon Bali and caravans sounds amazing! I’m in! That post sums it up for me. I just spent years and years being near school, working in a safe job, doing the mum thing, putting everyone else first.. and I’m still dutifully doing the things., but I my head I’m working abroad and learning how to sail or fly a helicopter…

ProfYaffle · 14/04/2022 15:03

I can relate so, so much! I feel like I need to take myself off to a cabin in the woods for a month to get over the past few years. My eldest is off to Uni in September (fingers crossed) and I know I'm supposed to be sad but I can't wait! It feels like the shift in the equilibrium we all need as a family at the moment.

Hoolihan · 14/04/2022 15:05

I feel exactly the same. I want to run away. In my case I think there's definitely a sense of getting older, time running away and thinking 'is this it?'. And maybe I feel a bit trapped as I can't see what significant changes I can make for the foreseeable future. We won't move house, I can't seem to get a new job (despite trying), the kids are both settled in education for a good few years yet and need support/stability, our marriage is fine but unexciting tbh. I just feel...stuck. And frustrated, a bit drained, a bit lonely? Craving change and freedom and adventure. Menopausal women of the world unite .

Jovanka · 14/04/2022 15:06

When my DC were about 4 and 2, I remember a woman at work having a moan about a problem her 18 year-old DD was having and mainly the fact that she was coming to her mother with it. I clearly remember thinking, but the DD is still so young, she needs her mother, why doesn’t she want to help? Now my DCs are teens and now I know why

DragonOverTheMoon · 14/04/2022 15:08

I would love to be an artist living in a lighthouse by myself in cornwall, 'arting' away! Or an author. Something solitary. I would have told you all that I was an extrovert years ago, and yes I do love my friends and family, but I have such an urge to be free of it all.

@PermanentTemporary I miss the younger versions of my dc too. They were cute.

@TammyOne yes the drudgery of responsibility with dc and jobs. I want to pack it all in and say fuck it. Fuck all of it and sell it all and go and live my best life

Original poster

Calafsidentity · 14/04/2022 15:09

TammyOne that's a very refreshing attitude, thank you! I've allowed others to set the agenda for far too long!

Very interesting LactoseTheIntolerant maybe it's hormones? A chemical reaction? I've seen it written on here that teenage boys start to smell a bit "off" to their mothers to facilitate a similar reaction

Thank you Timeforabiscuit I am not an emotional person normally but felt a bit tearful reading that. You've clarified what I wanted from this thread; I suppose I am seeking "permission" to assert my own 'wants' for once. As a mother and wife, it's so easy to fall in to the habit of quickly assessing how it will affect everyone else before you make a decision to do something. I will literally start with an art exhibition over the Easter holidays!

OP posts:

sleepymum50 · 14/04/2022 15:14

Can you sit down with a piece of paper and try to organise your thoughts? Or perhaps there is a book or website that will do that for you?

Is it boredom/do you feel like the “go to” for everybody else/ the children leaving home and opposite of empty nest/ you don’t know who you are any more/ your headspace is taken up by everyone else/ awareness of only having one life./etc etc.

If you can identify and place in order, perhaps that will lead to an action you can take.

Ie get the cleaner/have a weekend away from home/ new hobby/ etc.

I am older and my Dc have their own lives. I feel I want to go and live alone in an isolated Croft. But no matter how much “me-time” I take it is never enough.

I think my problem is that after decades of raising children, supporting a working husband and running the home and all domestic admin, I can’t seem to stop all those things crowding in my mind. Whatever I do, I always feel guilty I should be doing something productive. Anyway I think that’s my problem, and I’m sure it’s the same for many others.

You just need to drill down to see if you can work out yours.

Original poster

Calafsidentity · 14/04/2022 15:15

@PermanentTemporary

Absence makes the heart grow fonder PermanentTemporary

Seriously though, I also worry that my youngest has drawn the short straw as I'm conscious that I am not parenting as intensely as I once did. Having said that, they don't seem to mind the "hands off" approach too much!

OP posts:

kerkyra · 14/04/2022 15:17

I feel the same. Delight is an understatement when my son said he had got into the army and will be leaving home to start training in a month. That's two down and one to go( eldest of 23 left a couple of years ago) and just leaves my midteen.
I've been a nanny and childminder for years and am very maternal but I do long for the day I am more free.
It must be hormonal as it's only this year I have felt like this.

Original poster

Calafsidentity · 14/04/2022 15:19

@TammyOne

I can identify Tammy! I felt suffocated doing the school run at times but did it for years as there was no one else available. So many times I just wanted to break free just for a day! Now I have that feeling X 1000.

OP posts:

TammyOne · 14/04/2022 15:21

Thanks, I’m trying to see the positives. In reality I feel quite guilty sometimes at making my plans for when the nest is empty, and vaccillate between smelling my boys heads and clutching them, Beverley Goldberg style, to my bosom. I think they are getting confused as well, as I veer between “ well what do you expect me to do about it?” and “you’ll catch your death have an apple don’t forget to text when you get there”
I genuinely love my kids even as smelly young men, but its been so many years since I could be a selfish wanderer ( and boy did I wander!) and I’m getting impatient. I think DP will just get swept into whatever happens next, I’m finally seeing the benefit of having a laid back ( horizontal) man! Meanwhile the kids will be in equal parts confused and horrified for a while when the person they knew as mum becomes a helicopter flying assassin…

ProfYaffle · 14/04/2022 15:25

"I suppose I am seeking "permission" to assert my own 'wants' for once." This is me. I need the dc to get on with it more and dh to stop acting like a 3rd child too

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