Is anyone else feeling like you now want to escape the home life & parenting rut, even though you love your family?

[Calafsidentity]

I have put this question in the 'teenagers' category because I am looking for responses from older parents of teenage DC.

I don't know whether I am having a Shirley Valentine moment, or this is a response to Covid and everyone wfh, or menopausal fatigue, or four years of fairly "difficult" teen behaviour which is thankfully improving now or, is this depression, or a mixture of all of these things , but ...

...I feel as though I am "done"! Like I am squeezed out and have nothing more to give. I have always been a conscientious parent, I worked hard at it as it didn't come naturally, but now I feel restless and want to do different things with my time. I feel like I have no spousal or maternal patience left and I just want everyone to look after themselves now. I feel ratty and irritable whenever someone comes to me with a problem!

I should add that I love my DH & DC very much and of course I know you are never done with parenting really! And I love spending time with my DH, especially when we're alone, but he's always working because he's at the pinnacle of his career and loves his job. And of course I will still support my youngest practically and emotionally. I love spending time with my DC too when we are relaxing together and interacting as "adults" together.

My youngest is now a young adult but is still at home attending university and so the house is running pretty much like a more relaxed version of when she was at school. My DH cooks a lot. And I do his laundry and mine. DC do their own. I so !oat of the cleaning but I am going to hire a cleaner. But this is not really about housework. I am done with the whole "living with the routines appropriate for a family unit" regular meals and early nights and "weekends". I know this sounds mad and I have never been the world's biggest rebel, so I am surprised I feel this way tbh! I am bored now by everything that comes under the title "domestic".

I want to stay up late, watch what I want on TV, have some moments alone, eat what I want without having to consider everyone else, go to bed when I want. I don't want to have to "plan" anything: meals, housework, medical appts, only stuff that is fun.

I work pt in a pretty unfulfilling role that I've been fine with for many years but suddenly want to break free and change that too! I don't want my DH saying "What time was it when you came to bed last night?" I feel constrained by family life even though I love them all to bits.

I am normally reliable, conscientious and pretty boring. What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

Thank you sleepymum50 that's such a helpful post.

If I had to describe how I feel atm in one word, it would be "shackled" or "tethered".

It's not boredom (well it is extreme boredom with domestic matters) and if anything I have a stronger awareness of who I am now, which is what is causing the problem. I'm full of plans and interests and things I want to do! I am no longer prepared to let my wishes to be come second, third and fourth to everyone else I suppose. But it's not a conscious decision I don't think, it's a sudden need.

And I can really identify with the guilt bc my DH has worked doggedly day in day out for us all without a word of complaint. He does enjoy it, but like all jobs, it has its stresses.

I don't want to abandon him!

Just fabulous TammyOne

A spot of assassination between breakfast and lunch would liven things up no end!

@kerkyra

I feel the same. Delight is an understatement when my son said he had got into the army and will be leaving home to start training in a month. That's two down and one to go( eldest of 23 left a couple of years ago) and just leaves my midteen. I've been a nanny and childminder for years and am very maternal but I do long for the day I am more free. It must be hormonal as it's only this year I have felt like this.

kerkyra that's so interesting to read thanks. I'm so relieved to know it's not just me and I'm not going mad!

I suppose one of the issues is that society doesn't really "allow" mothers to feel this way about their adult DC. It's not really spoken about is it, the fact that you might feel relief when your dc leave home.

Tbh I felt a bewildering mix of empty nest syndrome combined with huge relief when my eldest went abroad. But I only spoke to my friends about the empty nest feelings if I'm honest because I was fearful of being judged for being heartless.

Love it Tammy!

Shackled sums it up for me OP.

Oh, I hear you!
6 year gap between my two so I have 1 at university but at home and 1 in year 8
Dh works away (usually in pre covid times)
I am also my mums carer which wasn't the plan
My life has become very small :(
I do voluntary work which I find fulfilling and I know makes a real difference to local people
I long to do something creative or worthwhile but...
I'm 50 this year
Maybe I should have a mid life crisis and insist on being called "Delores" from now on?? 🤔 🤣🤣

I'm the same. I've about to start a full time job, having only worked part time on occasions since my kids were born. We're lucky enough not to need the money and my friends think I'm mad but I'm doing it because I want to have a new challenge.

My eldest is off to university in September and I feel it's the right time to step back a bit from the house and chores. It's already proving a bit of a challenge resetting my kids' expectations about doing more around the house but they'll be better husbands and partners for it.

As much as I love my family, I do feel like the family troubleshooter and I want to shed some of my responsibility and feel a bit more freedom. Which makes me think that my new job might be the opposite of freedom but we'll see...!

@ChiswickFlo

Oh, I hear you! 6 year gap between my two so I have 1 at university but at home and 1 in year 8 Dh works away (usually in pre covid times) I am also my mums carer which wasn't the plan My life has become very small :( I do voluntary work which I find fulfilling and I know makes a real difference to local people I long to do something creative or worthwhile but... I'm 50 this year Maybe I should have a mid life crisis and insist on being called "Delores" from now on?? 🤔 🤣🤣

You remind me of my friend ChiswickFlo who has three DC with gaps. She blithely mentioned the other day that she had been doing the school run for twenty years

It must be very tough when you are caring for an elderly parent too .

I frequently have moments of wanting the whole world to fuck off and leave me alone. Teens here too plus menopause.

Oh I am there too! My absolute hate is having to think what to cook when I absolutely can’t be bothered and given the choice I would have a bowl of cereal and a yoghurt. I do do less and less now and feel zero guilt and I often declare dramatically to have retired from boring child related life admin (although I still have to do it for one child)
On the plus side my dd is back from uni and we’ve just had nice walk in the woods and SHE bought ME an ice cream so that’s nice 😊
Having adult kids is great generally

I can 100% relate.

Mine and 21 and 17, and I’m also pre menopausal. I’d like to fuck off in a camper van , by myself. Maybe the dog could join me too.

My plan this year is to teach my younger son to cook for himself, then I can bugger off for a week or 2 whenever I want, and he won’t starve.

I think it's to do with the emotional connection we have with our DC,when they're living in the home with us I know my head is full of thoughts and worries about how to help them etc,its very consuming. Once they have left,yes we may worry a little and think of them sometimes but I can put it out of my mind!

Their father doesn't seem to worry at all( divorced),it's so unfair.
I do dream about living in Corfu and sometimes can see myself renting a bedsit in the middle of London for a few months just to see what it's like 😄

"I don't want to travel abroad necessarily but I want to spend long hours creating art in a shed on a rugged coast somewhere, totally alone, eating and sleeping when I want, maybe with a dog"

I keep fantasizing about a cottage by the sea with a cat and artist studio! I think it's being middle aged with teenagers. My husband is a bit peeved that he's not included in my fantasy 🤭

sashagabadon do you mind me asking how your family have reacted to you doing "less and less" in the home please?

My DH has good-naturedly mumbled the odd thing about running out of clean underwear or what's for dinner and has commented on me staying up late sometimes, but otherwise he's been ok-ish, especially when I explained that we are moving from adult>parent situation to 3 adults sharing a house with 4th staying for holidays.

Surprisingly it's my DC who seem to resent the fact that I am not taking care of all of their practical needs any more. One of them keeps saying "well so and so's mum still does this or that for my friend" .

It's natures way of making you let go.

Mine are 14 and 16 and my eldest has been particularly challenging. Ds still to go through the worst

I love them with all
My heart but they give very little back so I often need time to myself to recharge from the grumpy ungrateful dementors

Yes it is tbh
I believe I'm one of the sandwich generation...stuck between caring for kids and elderly parent(s)
Would be easier if we were closer but we just aren't:(
May have to go back down later as she's started coughing...just out of a 6 day hospital stay for sepsis
The 15 hour wait in a&e was fun :(

I no longer cook each night :) (although I've just made a crumble...)
They either cook for themselves or dh does it
I wash up :)
I do laundry but don't put away - their job to put their own clothes away!
I iron probably once every 6 weeks the bare minimum I can get away with :)
I do the grocery shopping (online)
My issue is the mental load, really
The constant worrying/stress
Everything is left to me in that regard for both this household and mum
It's utterly exhausting tbh
Have researched and booked 2 holidays for this year
Still sorting one of them
Last year oversaw major works on house
Year before that moved mum into her flat- facilitating that was literally all I did for 4 months :(
It's everything
If I don't sort it it wouldn't get done - birthdays, Xmas, holidaus, sorting new mortgage rate etc etc
I knowmy dh and kids are grateful for what I do but I'm starting to feel quite begrudging:(

@ChiswickFlo

Yes it is tbh I believe I'm one of the sandwich generation...stuck between caring for kids and elderly parent(s) Would be easier if we were closer but we just aren't:( May have to go back down later as she's started coughing...just out of a 6 day hospital stay for sepsis The 15 hour wait in a&e was fun :(

I'm sorry ChiswickFlo that sounds really, really hard. . Do you have any siblings who could help?

Ha!
I have two.
They do nothing.
I told them last week I'm no longer available at weekends.
It has not gone down well 🙄🤣

@ChiswickFlo

Ha! I have two. They do nothing. I told them last week I'm no longer available at weekends. It has not gone down well 🙄🤣

Well done for making a stand!

15 hour wait in A&E? That’s bloody awful

@Jovanka

15 hour wait in A&E? That’s bloody awful

It really was I knew it was sepsis (she had it last year) and knew she would need admitting Quite traumatic really My brother went out to a party and my sister was "ill" 🤷‍♀️ I only wanted a break to go and get something to eat

Sadly should hsve done it years ago!

I actually think in the UK now we parent for too long. You're burnt out and fed up of it. I don't blame you. Dh is a child of the 70s....he moved out of his mum's house at 17. Her job was done.

I can really identify with feeling burdened by the mental load.

Year before that moved mum into her flat- facilitating that was literally all I did for 4 months

YY, it took months helping to sorting my eldest's accommodation abroad, even though they did a lot of it themselves, I was required to counter-sign leases and sort insurance and do admin. And I helped with some of the furnishing just because .... I felt thoroughly exhausted by it at the end. Not to mention the long drives and expensive visits staying in crummy b&bs nearby to show support. And even that was a lot easier than helping an elderly parent to downsize, as I've done that too!

It was full on, not helped by covid of course
Dealing with our local council is tricky at the best of times - with them all working from home it was really not functioning asit should
Paperwork not done, keys not left....nightmare