Is anyone else feeling like you now want to escape the home life & parenting rut, even though you love your family?

[Calafsidentity]

I have put this question in the 'teenagers' category because I am looking for responses from older parents of teenage DC.

I don't know whether I am having a Shirley Valentine moment, or this is a response to Covid and everyone wfh, or menopausal fatigue, or four years of fairly "difficult" teen behaviour which is thankfully improving now or, is this depression, or a mixture of all of these things , but ...

...I feel as though I am "done"! Like I am squeezed out and have nothing more to give. I have always been a conscientious parent, I worked hard at it as it didn't come naturally, but now I feel restless and want to do different things with my time. I feel like I have no spousal or maternal patience left and I just want everyone to look after themselves now. I feel ratty and irritable whenever someone comes to me with a problem!

I should add that I love my DH & DC very much and of course I know you are never done with parenting really! And I love spending time with my DH, especially when we're alone, but he's always working because he's at the pinnacle of his career and loves his job. And of course I will still support my youngest practically and emotionally. I love spending time with my DC too when we are relaxing together and interacting as "adults" together.

My youngest is now a young adult but is still at home attending university and so the house is running pretty much like a more relaxed version of when she was at school. My DH cooks a lot. And I do his laundry and mine. DC do their own. I so !oat of the cleaning but I am going to hire a cleaner. But this is not really about housework. I am done with the whole "living with the routines appropriate for a family unit" regular meals and early nights and "weekends". I know this sounds mad and I have never been the world's biggest rebel, so I am surprised I feel this way tbh! I am bored now by everything that comes under the title "domestic".

I want to stay up late, watch what I want on TV, have some moments alone, eat what I want without having to consider everyone else, go to bed when I want. I don't want to have to "plan" anything: meals, housework, medical appts, only stuff that is fun.

I work pt in a pretty unfulfilling role that I've been fine with for many years but suddenly want to break free and change that too! I don't want my DH saying "What time was it when you came to bed last night?" I feel constrained by family life even though I love them all to bits.

I am normally reliable, conscientious and pretty boring. What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

Weewillywinkle that's a very interesting point about our own "mothering blueprint". Mine was very dutiful. She didnt work and her home was everything. She kept it beautifully right to the end.
Maybe that's where my guilt comes from?

Several pps have talked about dc returning after university. I must admit that the thought of this does worry me a bit because people easily fall in to old patterns. It musn't be easy for young adult dc either of course. I think if this does happen, we would have to arrange it so that it was on very different terms.

but nobody looks at me with an expression of utter contempt

I am sorry to hear that your family behaved so poorly towards you DDIJ

I feel the same. The day they all grow up and eff off I will wave them away happily. Including DH. I’ve given them 20 odd years of every fibre of my being. Off you fuck my darlings mother is spent.

@DDIJ

They really didn't. They would make mess and I would tell them not to make mess. I would try and enforce rules and they would ignore everything and I could never get a handle on any of it. They would just drop rubbish next to them and if I said pick it up there was this look and the look said everything. The real failure was me. I am happier now and I believe they are too.

Well they could have behaved much better. I dispute it was your failure! I hear you about the constant picking up after people too.

I know someone who had the same issues at home and it was her dp who set a bad example to the dc.

This thread feels like I’ve found my people! I have 3 dc - 15,13 and 10. I do love them dearly and always wanted to be a mum, but I’m definitely not someone who has or can devote all my life to being a mother. I am lucky to have a job (which I can do part time) which is completely different to my home life and very fulfilling. I’m so not good at being a home maker. I’m ok at activities and engaging mentally but so not good at other bits of it. I’m so glad my children are getting older.

I also need permission to step back a bit and stop feeling guilty if I do things just for me. I feel ground down by 15 years of life admin that I am crap at. I do devote a lot of time to making sure they are ok and I don’t think that’s always been good because now they are all very dependent on me and say they don’t feel safe unless I’m there.

I feel like there is so much more to me than this person I now. I hope it’s not too late to be all the other things I thought I would be. I dream of time on my own but luckily my DH has no problem with that so twice a year I do get to have a few days away on my own which I love. I plan all the time for what I will do when they are old enough for me to start again.

I hope this ramble makes some sense! I know I am lucky but I also feel stifled.

I hope you are OK Billybagpuss ? I hope you don't mind me saying but I have noticed that you are usually a very positive and reassuring presence on teen threads but your post tonight seems less so

I had a very dark point around 5 years ago and posting on the holding onto the rope thread on teens a couple of years back really helped me move on, I’ve maybe written and deleted what I posted yesterday a few times. Teens can be horrible, and actually forgiving them and moving on is hard. She’s mostly lovely now, and definitely checks herself when the inner bitch is fighting to come out, but they have so much going on in their lives that as a mum you always want to help them navigate. It would be nice every now and then if they did show an interest in mine, without me feeling like I’m foisting it on them, by offering up the info.

Best things I’ve done in the last 5 years. Scuba (phones don’t work under water) unfortunately covid stalled that but hoping to get back to it soon.
Discovered outdoor winter swimming. Great for mental health.
Got a dog, now someone is always pleased to see me when I get home.

Ps @Calafsidentity your comment actually means so much that someone noticed 💐

This is exactly how I feel, but my kids are still young (3, 9, 10 and 12). It’s a bit sad really. I absolutely adore them, and am obviously very hands on with my youngest (he still comes into bed with me most nights) but I need a break to be me!!

I know what you mean about worrying about older children returning to live at home after Uni @Calafsidentity The pandemic really limited my dds opportunities and her path has been different to what she would have chosen otherwise. She first came back to live with us in March 2020 when she was in her final year at university. She then did her Masters at a local university to save money and ended up doing it mainly online from her bedroom. She has secured a fab first graduate job, but this involves working from home too. She cooks and pays board, but I still do the majority of her washing and ironing. She wouldn’t think to offer to clean the bathroom or put the hoover around unless specifically asked.

She has not got a partner and has been let down by the friends she was hoping to flat share with in September and now says she can’t afford to move out by herself. We have a small house and it can feel very cramped at times with four adults living here. She gets very down about her situation at times which can have a knock on effect on all of us.

In fact I’m very hands on with all of them. They love cuddles and so does dp and I feel utterly touched out.

@ClemDanFango

I feel the same. The day they all grow up and eff off I will wave them away happily. Including DH. I’ve given them 20 odd years of every fibre of my being. Off you fuck my darlings mother is spent.

😁👍

I know this might sound terrible but if my dc come back after uni they'll be told to look for a house share. My home is not their forever home, it will be open to them in times of need but I don't want to live with adult dc. If they needed to stay for x amount of months to save x amount of money for a house I could manage it to help them. But I really want my own space. I don't think it's that unusual to house share.

Can I join? I am sticking with 1 for all above reasons which I feel sadabout as I thought i'd be a natural mum. Turns out im not.
Love dd to the moon and back but at 13 she needs me more than ever and I need me more than ever! Plus perimenopause is looming!

Can you have a discussion with your DD @Hellandhighwaters about doing more around the house? She should really be doing her own laundry and she could have responsibility for eg the bathrooms. My dc are still at school but I stopped doing their laundry in 2020.

I could not agree more; I am so happy my DCs are growing up. My DS has always been very challenging, I have done all I can, but he’s now 18 and I. am just so over it. much as i love them both i would be so happy if they would move out and let me enjoy doing my own thing. agree about the dog also. I got a dog last year and he is the best thing ever. so positive!!

I felt like that a couple of years ago when my youngest was still at home, just stuck and bored with myself and disengaged a bit. It was a real shock to me as like you OP I’d prided myself on being a supportive and engaged parent. Then all of a sudden I just got SO bored of it all, the routine, the being invisible, the humdrum.

Anyway for me what worked was therapy, I had a few sessions and was going round in circles in my head and in the end what made a difference was arty stuff. I just began to do some messy acrylic pour painting and I loved it. I created something and bloody loved it. It reawakened a teeny bit of me and helped. God it felt like the bravest thing in the world though, getting my stuff out, seeing them all go wtaf is mum doing? But doing it anyway - a bit of a reclaim of me.

I do think now that it’s a bit of a rite of passage. Good luck, just do something small, something different today.

@DragonOverTheMoon

I know this might sound terrible but if my dc come back after uni they'll be told to look for a house share. My home is not their forever home, it will be open to them in times of need but I don't want to live with adult dc. If they needed to stay for x amount of months to save x amount of money for a house I could manage it to help them. But I really want my own space. I don't think it's that unusual to house share.

I agree with you in principle, but the circumstances in which my dd came back home to live with us arose partly due to the pandemic and also some personal issues. This has made it difficult to put a time period on when she ‘has’ to move out. When she got her first job last year she looked at moving away out of the area, but I developed some health issues and she made the decision that she wanted to stay near to me. However, her friends who live locally had already sorted their accommodation and this meant staying at home a further year. She was going to move in with the same friends later this year, but this has now fallen through and she feels that she has been badly let down and her confidence knocked. She says that she is reluctant to move in with strangers in a house share, which I can understand.

Other than being very housework shy she is mostly delightful company, like her younger sister. I was certainly very happy to have them around last year when I was so unwell.

I'm where you are with teenagers. They are now annoying me. I've done my 20++ years and I want them to be more independent. We have four.

I'm frustrated with our youngest who drifts into the kitchen, drinks all the milk, eats anything he fancies including Ingredients for other meals and drifts back to his computer before needing lifts everywhere.

I put stickers on milk saying not to drink the lot. He will drink three pints a day plus cereal if left unchecked then move onto pints of fresh orange juice.

It's not his fault, he's just being a normal 16 year old. He's polite, smart and clean, has nice friends and good grades at school and is generally a good kid, it's me, I've just run out of patience.

I don't want to be the person who always plans, shops, cooks, and caters.

I've stopped cleaning their rooms, I've stopped picking up laundry, I stopped folding laundry, the next stage is then doing the whole thing themselves.

I want someone to offer me tea, someone to occasionally clean the bath or the loos. Someone to drive me somewhere.

They complain and I say, if you want it done differently then do it yourself.

I tried to stop making meals a few times a week but it backfired. They all separately eat rubbish so go through lots of random food, or my husband caters by getting take aways and it's so unhealthy.

So I'm stuck with the meal planning and cooking bit for a little longer.

I'm just ranting, I know I'll miss them all terribly once they go.

I dream of laying in the garden on a hammock with a cold bottle of Prosecco and a book. No one asking me where XYZ is, what time is food, can X come over for tea, can X stay the night mum? can I have a lift to X, can you pick me up later?

I can't ever have a glass of wine without thinking, which child might need picking up. We live very rurally so transport can be an issue. I'd like a whole bottle!

I fantasise about it frequently. I wish DP would take the kids away for a weekend. I need the headspace. And me space.

I want my own room too. This seems so selfish with a tween and teen but being with everybody in a small house is driving me bonkers.

I dream of travelling, or even living abroad somewhere. Maybe bumbling around in a camper van or something. I can work online if needed, and rent the house out for funds. Perfect!

Except I have a 17 year old and 15 year old, who won’t be able to afford market value rent for a while

Does anyone else think it’s acceptable for parents to move abroad when kids grow up, or should we always be here to provide a home if they need it?

Because I can’t see a time when I’ll ever just be able to make decisions for me, even when they’re fully grown.

God having said that by the time I was about 14 my mum had given up and I basically parented myself. She still fed me (my dad was the breadwinner and dad nothing els) but she had 3 older teens and I was the youngest and pretty much invisible to her. She focused on my dad and her misery In that relationship. I wish she had been able to find herself a life outside the humdrum of family life!

SIts so interesting to read all of these responses, thank you, and hear about the different stages everyone is at. Also great to know that some of you build in "retreat" weekends for yourselves. Great idea!

I can certainly identify with the claustrophobia that some pps have described with themselves and their spouses have been wfh with teens and young adults studying in their bedrooms. That's certainly exacerbated the "tethered" feeling!

Hellandhighwaters our youngsters have really been through hellish times with the pandemic and of course the current housing situation makes things very hard.

DragonOverTheMoon About house-sharing: I went back home for six months after university and that was in the 1980s but I was hardly there because I was travelling and doing various student jobs where I lived on site in fairly basic conditions. My youngest daughter and her friends often say "I don't want to share a bathroom with strangers" and seem more generally squeamish about hygiene and sharing and they look at me blankly when I say I lived in a professional house share in London for 10 years before I got married. It had its ups and downs but we had a cleaning rota and it was generally fine and I met some good friends sharing. Do young adults still do this? I am so out of touch I'm not sure! It seems to me that many of them are "living at home to save up for a deposit on a flat" and miss out the sharing stage. Or is that because it is not affordable to both house share and save for a deposit nowadays?

AIPS thank you, I will. I hear you about feeling disenchanted then suddenly feeling SERIOUSLY bored. Without wishing to sound too "precious" I think if you are a bit of an introvert who could happily sit in a shed all day doing art (like me) then family life can become overwhelming claustrophobic and I can identify with so much of what you have said!

You are welcome malificent7

ClemDanFango