Is anyone else feeling like you now want to escape the home life & parenting rut, even though you love your family?

[Calafsidentity]

I have put this question in the 'teenagers' category because I am looking for responses from older parents of teenage DC.

I don't know whether I am having a Shirley Valentine moment, or this is a response to Covid and everyone wfh, or menopausal fatigue, or four years of fairly "difficult" teen behaviour which is thankfully improving now or, is this depression, or a mixture of all of these things , but ...

...I feel as though I am "done"! Like I am squeezed out and have nothing more to give. I have always been a conscientious parent, I worked hard at it as it didn't come naturally, but now I feel restless and want to do different things with my time. I feel like I have no spousal or maternal patience left and I just want everyone to look after themselves now. I feel ratty and irritable whenever someone comes to me with a problem!

I should add that I love my DH & DC very much and of course I know you are never done with parenting really! And I love spending time with my DH, especially when we're alone, but he's always working because he's at the pinnacle of his career and loves his job. And of course I will still support my youngest practically and emotionally. I love spending time with my DC too when we are relaxing together and interacting as "adults" together.

My youngest is now a young adult but is still at home attending university and so the house is running pretty much like a more relaxed version of when she was at school. My DH cooks a lot. And I do his laundry and mine. DC do their own. I so !oat of the cleaning but I am going to hire a cleaner. But this is not really about housework. I am done with the whole "living with the routines appropriate for a family unit" regular meals and early nights and "weekends". I know this sounds mad and I have never been the world's biggest rebel, so I am surprised I feel this way tbh! I am bored now by everything that comes under the title "domestic".

I want to stay up late, watch what I want on TV, have some moments alone, eat what I want without having to consider everyone else, go to bed when I want. I don't want to have to "plan" anything: meals, housework, medical appts, only stuff that is fun.

I work pt in a pretty unfulfilling role that I've been fine with for many years but suddenly want to break free and change that too! I don't want my DH saying "What time was it when you came to bed last night?" I feel constrained by family life even though I love them all to bits.

I am normally reliable, conscientious and pretty boring. What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

This thread has really reasonated with me. The last few months I’ve felt bored, burnt out and exhausted. I’ve got a 13, 12 and 9 year old. My 12 and 9 year old both have Sen. I’m not entirely sure either will ever leave home. I look back on all the dreams I had and my world feels so incredibly small. I’m in a job that is hugely unfulfilling but fits around the kids. This is when they’re going to need me the most and I’m sure I have anything to give. I feel like the sacrifice is constantly mine and my needs don’t register. Especially with my DH. I long to run away and just endlessly walk.

I felt like that and also felt like I'd had all the fun sucked out of me. I gave zero fucks about a lot of things and wanted to escape often. HRT has changed all that and the old me is back - thank god!

@awonderfuladventure

I felt like that and also felt like I'd had all the fun sucked out of me. I gave zero fucks about a lot of things and wanted to escape often. HRT has changed all that and the old me is back - thank god!

That's interesting awonderfuladventure! So what's the verdict everyone? Should we opt for HRT, ADs, dog-ownership, a cottage or caravan by the sea, divorce, a new job or enterprise, a new hobby or sport, or gin? Or all of the above!

I must admit I always resist reading those "Menopause; new woman, new me" type articles (they usually appear in Good Housekeeping-type publications) with gritted teeth and think "why isn't just being ourselves good enough"? Why do we have to change our wardrobe, dye our hair and launch a mini-enterprise involving organic hemp in order to be acceptable to society? . But obviously that attitude is where I have been going wrong!

Joking aside though, it's good to know that I am not the only one feeling this way and it's been great reading everyone's contributions to this thread. As there are so many of us, I thought maybe we could support one another moving forward on a new thread perhaps, if anyone is interested? I don't know about anyone else but I could certainly do with a bit of support and confidence to help me branch out in to my new activities as no one in my immediate family is particularly interested as they are all busy with their own projects.

I could start a new thread under this topic titled "Parents of teens, moving forwards ...life after DC" (that's a crap title) but that sort of thing if anyone wants to join in? Please let me know! And can anyone suggest a better title please maybe?

Have a good Easter everyone!

I'd like to be on the new thread.

And I enjoyed the Caitlin Moran article so much that I made my husband read it. He was rather nonplussed but I thought she articulated the dilemma of loving your kids but hating the monotony that goes with it, well.

Fabulous, I’ll be there, due a namechange but I’ll keep a look out.

I’ve had a gorgeous few hours out with a friend, came home to a sink full of dishes, three cups, four glasses and four plates, for one and all the blinds shut.

‘Teen quickly told, I am not Mrs Patmore and this is not student digs, deal with it, now!

Does anyone else’s teen close all the blinds, drives me absolutely potty!!

Count me in a new thread. Link it here when you've done it OP.

@ "I'm not Mrs Patmore"! Love it!

Great, thanks for responses, will set up new thread after Easter and post link on here! It will be good to be able to support one another.

I hope everyone has a bit of a break this weekend in the meantime!

Point taken Ionlydomassiveones and well made.

@Calafsidentity

Point taken Ionlydomassiveones and well made.

Also, I think a lot of women become subsumed within family life without realising its happening, as they are constantly fire-fighting or responding to the "here and now" rather than planning ahead strategically. And then all of a sudden they look up and their dc are teens and they think "where is my place in all of this now"?

@Ionlydomassiveones how does that work in RL though? I'm a sp. I have to do a school run due to my ds going to a really good school that's out of county. He gets a mini bus there but the pick up point isn't walking or a normal bus ride away. I luckily share it week on week off with another mum, but I can't stay up late and go to bed when I want when I have to leave my house at 7.25 on my on week. Even without a school run, how do you manage late nights and work? I can't function on shit sleep, I'd love to not have to work and do what I want when I want but I'm stuck working and paying the bills.

Again, medical appointments and the shit stuff. If I don't arrange dentists then my dcs teeth don't get looked at. Their dad doesn't do things like that. I'm lucky if he actually pays maintenance or has them. He goes months without seeing or paying for them. It's all on me (bar the few months every year when he acts like a dad). I could ignore shit that isn't fun but then my dc would be neglected.

I've got 3 more years until youngest is 18. I don't do a massive amount for them. But I'm still having to live in society and not neglect them. I am trapped in society by work and child rearing responsibilities. I want to be free, but I also dont want to live off grid and live in the mud. I need a lottery win.

I get it Dragon! I moved into town for secondary just because it made life easier (for both of us), factoring in a rural school run out of catchment or even on the school bus which doesn't allow for after school stuff makes things really (even more) tough.

I organise absolutely everything too and am the person who does all hospital (regular), doctors, dental appts, arranging, driving to and from, taking time off work, telling the school office etc..

I get up at 6 and go to bed after the news at 10 at the latest apart from a couple of nights a month when I go to the pub.

I'm not sure that is really much difference to pre DC though, apart from that I used to get up at 5 to commute a fair distance and having a drink with colleagues was a more regular thing.

I was thinking about this earlier, I think it is feeling like you have to be around/can't do too much on impulse because (in my case) I would be leaving a teen home alone even more than I do just through working and for a couple of nights a week.

I've found my people!

@ShortShinyBobbafett I can't move as the other one is at a local school. I've got one in yr 10 and yr 11. Dd is doing gcses next month, then ds will be next year, then dd will be doing A levels and then ds will be. I am trapped for 3.5 years.

Sorry for the pity party. I'm not actually a sad sack, my life isn't that bad, I have no issue with doing things I want to on an evening as I have two of them and they get in well. I don't have it half as bad as others. I'm moaning about feeling trapped with the dc I chose to have. My life is lovely, it just feels stifling. That's why I dream of van life and freedom.

But yes Bobbafett early bedtimes are a must, we have to treat ourselves like children to function, to be a wage slave in the system, to think we're free because we have nice houses, cars and clothes.

Sorry have had a few gin fizzes in the garden and am rambling now.

I get it Dragon, I live in a beautiful place, lovely house, nice car etc., etc., but have to keep on keeping on - it’s a choice isn’t it. Downsizing and working part time or seeking a less stressful job isn’t for me just yet.

My life is nice too, I love it mostly.

Great article, thanks for sharing.

I've just read this bit from an article in the Women's section of the Guardian. The article by Philippa Perry addresses the concerns of a mother with young DC but some of it is relevant to our situation I think:

"The paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott was the first to point out how normal it is to feel resentment towards our children at times. It’s not surprising you can wish you weren’t a mother – it’s 24/7 with no days off. Somebody once said that having children was a bit like watching football: you suffer 90 minutes of nothing happening, but your team scores a goal in the last minute and you come away euphoric and say it was a great match. You will forget the standing for over an hour in the cold and the boredom, and cling on to the joy.".

I think there's a lot of truth in that!

But, more importantly, the article goes on to say:

"Being a mother isn’t being just one type of person. You are you. None of us is set in stone – humans are more flexible and changing than that. Forget the categories and don’t file yourself away."

Happy Easter everyone!

I’d love to join a supportive thread. I thought the toddler years were tricky but I suspect navigating the teen years is going to be something else entirely especially with the two with special needs.

I have found this thread so helpful. I felt like I was heading straight into some sort of midlife crisis and that I was alone in feeling utterly burnt out.

You are very welcome Ohquietone I'll set it up shortly ... .

@ShortShinyBobbafett yes down sizing isn't for me yet either. I am thinking about a far less stressful job though. Have just read Gabor Mate's new book when the body says no, the hidden cost of stress.

@Calafsidentity I love Winnicot. He's the man who said you only need to be a good enough parent 30% of the time in order not to fuck your kids up (paraphrase).

I'd love a supportive thread too! My friends have younger children and are impressed by the way my teenagers manage to feed and dress themselves (most of the time) and can be left home alone. I don't think they really get how teens need parental input too, and how they are better at arguing about their human rights etc. than toddlers!

Also DD1 is at risk of having to repeat the year (not UK, repeating the year is a very real possibility here for people who don't put enough effort into their schoolwork). I have tried nagging/not nagging/offering help/trusting her to get on with it and nothing has made any difference. I know some would say leave her to fail so she learns and that sometimes works but it also sometimes leads to kids dropping out completely and that would be such a shame - it's not easy to get back into education here if you get your act together later, so I'm quite stressed about taking the right approach.

COVID has given me time to sit on the sofa reading or painting and thinking about life in general. All the hobbies I'd like to do, even exercise has to fit in amongst everyone else's things and that needs to change.

I'll check back this evening for our new thread. I always meant to check for the hanging on the rope thread but never did - did it just end (was on there under another name).

I've got a day of driving to see family for lunch (with teenager) and then back to plant three small trees, a couple of perennials and a ceanothus I bought last week, plus potting on my seedlings. Wondering if DC might help!

@ShortShinyBobbafett

I'll check back this evening for our new thread. I always meant to check for the hanging on the rope thread but never did - did it just end (was on there under another name).

I've got a day of driving to see family for lunch (with teenager) and then back to plant three small trees, a couple of perennials and a ceanothus I bought last week, plus potting on my seedlings. Wondering if DC might help!

That sounds like a lovely day you have planned Shortshinybobbafett! Have a good one!

I think the 'holding on the end of the rope' threads carried on for three or four threads until they fizzled out.

Sending you a pm NoraLuka as I went through something similar with one of mine! It's very stressful!

I am busy today but will set up new thread tonight or tomorrow morning! Have a good day everyone!

Yes I have fully exploited Winnacott's "good enough" philosophy over the years DragonOverTheMoon

Just typed out a whole long thing on why I’m joining you lot and it’s disappeared! Maybe I will later. Suffice to say I’m pissed off with it all right now.

This made me laugh:
Why do we have to change our wardrobe, dye our hair and launch a mini-enterprise involving organic hemp in order to be acceptable to society?
Absolutely! We are also expected to be cheerful and nurturing while our ovaries shrivel and our inner voices yell fuckofffuckofffuckoff
I am going thru meno quite early and have been on HRT for ages. It’s good in that it stops me murdering someone, but I’m getting increasingly irritated at it being regarded as the only solution to female midlife burnout. Maybe, just maybe we are actually fed up because we have been mumming so long!
Personally I have never been a martyr, I’m often quite selfish, and I rarely provide lifts (lucky to have some public transport here!) I’m almost dad-like in my attention to dentist appointments and dealing with school, but it is the worry, the responsibility, the nagging about everything from filthy bedrooms to GCSE’s, and I too am trapped in a place that’s too expensive and boring for the next 3 years… I guess the trick is to start now, focusing on our own thing, whatever that means for us.