Is anyone else feeling like you now want to escape the home life & parenting rut, even though you love your family?

[Calafsidentity]

I have put this question in the 'teenagers' category because I am looking for responses from older parents of teenage DC.

I don't know whether I am having a Shirley Valentine moment, or this is a response to Covid and everyone wfh, or menopausal fatigue, or four years of fairly "difficult" teen behaviour which is thankfully improving now or, is this depression, or a mixture of all of these things , but ...

...I feel as though I am "done"! Like I am squeezed out and have nothing more to give. I have always been a conscientious parent, I worked hard at it as it didn't come naturally, but now I feel restless and want to do different things with my time. I feel like I have no spousal or maternal patience left and I just want everyone to look after themselves now. I feel ratty and irritable whenever someone comes to me with a problem!

I should add that I love my DH & DC very much and of course I know you are never done with parenting really! And I love spending time with my DH, especially when we're alone, but he's always working because he's at the pinnacle of his career and loves his job. And of course I will still support my youngest practically and emotionally. I love spending time with my DC too when we are relaxing together and interacting as "adults" together.

My youngest is now a young adult but is still at home attending university and so the house is running pretty much like a more relaxed version of when she was at school. My DH cooks a lot. And I do his laundry and mine. DC do their own. I so !oat of the cleaning but I am going to hire a cleaner. But this is not really about housework. I am done with the whole "living with the routines appropriate for a family unit" regular meals and early nights and "weekends". I know this sounds mad and I have never been the world's biggest rebel, so I am surprised I feel this way tbh! I am bored now by everything that comes under the title "domestic".

I want to stay up late, watch what I want on TV, have some moments alone, eat what I want without having to consider everyone else, go to bed when I want. I don't want to have to "plan" anything: meals, housework, medical appts, only stuff that is fun.

I work pt in a pretty unfulfilling role that I've been fine with for many years but suddenly want to break free and change that too! I don't want my DH saying "What time was it when you came to bed last night?" I feel constrained by family life even though I love them all to bits.

I am normally reliable, conscientious and pretty boring. What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

Judy, I’m not sure tbh. I’m looking forward to downsizing, moving back to the countryside (moved into town for secondary schools/teenage life because I’m a lone parent and it just seemed easier).

Then I think … what if DC needs to come home post uni because they can’t afford market rent. Career choice/talents is in the arts which doesn’t pay well.

Where I live now (small market town) is 35-55 mins from two major cities = work.

It’s very tricky isn’t it. My siblings have all had their kids move back home post uni for between 1 and 5 years.

Downsizing won’t free up cash to help them either as it is more expensive where I want to move back to. It’s just where I want to be.

I’m a member of a spa and take myself off after work a couple of nights a week and for half a day at weekends with a book.

I try to go twice a a week for a swim but the half day (all I can usually fit in) with a book and lunch by one of the pools definitely helps.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Mine are 15 and 16. I feel exactly like you but I'm not menopausal yet. I want to live in a van and wake up on a cliff top looking at the sea, or buy a field and stick a caravan on it and rent out spaces for campers, I want to be free. I love my dc very much. They're not hard work, I don't even cook every night and they do loads of chores, I just don't want family life anymore. I want to live in Bali, I want to take up rowing. I don't even know what I want but I don't want domestic anymore.

Me too @DragonOverTheMoon me too!!

Billybagpuss. You are very welcome. Some of your posts on the teen boards have helped me a lot over the years. And I agree with you about the "forgiveness" thing. Of course we forgive them overall but it's not easy to shift gear sometimes from being fire-fighter ~ shock-absorber all those years with an almost seige-like mentality (one of mine was very difficult) to sympathetic, interested, font of wisdom when they are making big life decisions and need guidance or practical help as a young adult. And it can be very lonely when you don't feel you exist in your own right as much as you exist to facilitate everyone else's needs.

ShortShinyBobbafett. It's very difficult when every one of our major life decisions is governed by the potential needs of our DC and partners. Do you know what, I think this is your time now, and if you want to move to the country then you should. Yes it might inconvenience your grown DC a bit more then if you lived in town, but this is your opportunity right now. A 30 minute commute isn't the end of the world either! You don't want to move to the country when you are too old to make the most of it. Your dc have their whole lives ahead of them but we have limited time left now to do what we want! If that's selfish then so be it!

Great idea to have a regular retreat like a spa too!

JudyGemstone I don't know! So much depends on the individual DC and your destination. I certainly think it would be difficult for school age teens (unless they attend boarding school for sixth form) . Among the DC of my friends I know of one highly intelligent and very mature sixteen year old who has gone to study in a different country to his parents. And I know of older teens at uni in the same country as their parents who have had mh problems and had had to defer a year and needed rescuing. It would make a difference too if you were located in Europe in a destination where they could travel and stay with you fairly easily during the holidays, as opposed to you trekking around the outer reaches of Peru

All of these are difficult decisions but I doubt there has ever been a time in history when parents were expected to nurture their offspring so intensely and for so long! (Someone will come along now no doubt and tell me that there has!) Don't we deserve a squeak at enjoying our own lives again, before we get too elderly, after more or less two decades of parenting?

RiverSkater I'm sorry you had that experience. I was the youngest out of a large family and can very much sympathise. That's a very good point too about us demonstrating to our teen girls that we can strike out from drudgery and go and do something different!

wonkygorgeous I think your post should be framed and hung on the wall where they store Mumsnet classics! . It articulates so perfectly what so many of us are feeling!

Just read through this whole thread and now I don't feel so alone!

I totally understand feeling like everyone else's needs come first. I don't think they even realise that's what I do, they prob think cooking and grocery shopping are my hobbies or something. I had DD1 when I was 23, which isn't that young in the grand scheme of things but it means that I didn't have that much time between being a student and being a mum and now I don't even know what I'd do if I could do anything I wanted.

I recently signed up as a volunteer at a photography exhibition, that's the first step towards getting a life again! I always wanted to be a writer and I do write as part of my job but it's mainly web content for SEO purposes not novels I'm kind of thinking about that at the moment.

I have COVID (obviously nowhere near as bad as chemo as a PP upthread) and just wanted the general household tasks to become someone else's problem for a couple of days, but they were all "too busy" except DD2 who cleaned the kitchen but then refused to do it again because it wasn't fair that DD1 and DP weren't doing anything. It's made me rethink a lot of things tbh.

Have a lovely Easter weekend everyone

@AIPS the craft idea sounds excellent. I actually bought the paints but then feel guilty to spend my days off painting and not tidying up! But the mess never gets any better so maybe I should just make a space for the painting.

@NoraLuka I also started to volunteer at a local music venue but I think I’ll have to wait until DS10 is a bit older until I can be a reliable volunteer. Lots of things seem to happen very last minute and I still have to plan ahead.

I expect that my children will have to come back after Uni but at that point they will be house mates and I will not be their slave anymore (that’s the plan anyway!).

Good for you NoraLuka I hope you enjoy your volunteering position and don't give up your ambition to write! And I hope you recover quickly from Covid and feel better soon!

I am very sorry but I think I may have missed that a pp had chemo - I read some of the posts very late last night - I will go back and read them again when I get back home tonight.

@Hellandhighwaters I wasn't attacking your living arrangements. You honestly don't have to justify it to me.

@Calafsidentity yes house shares are a thing. Plenty of professional house shares advertised. All my work colleagues who aren't coupled up and don't have dc house share. I am more than prepared to force my dc out into house sharing, I'm sure uni will be a great preclude to that. I might tell them I have started naked Thursdays so don't come home

I too missed that someone was on chemo. I’ve just finished it, 18 long months of low dose chemo and working full time because if I don’t pay the bills no one else will.

Sorry you’ve got COVID Nora. I had it recently and my lovely child moved to their father’s house for two weeks leaving me home alone - charming.

I think you have to start creating a life at some point. Apart from my gym/spa membership, I play golf once a week, badly. I also need to get back into another sport I used to do but it is just the time commitment I’m not sure of.

I find having an only child both a blessing and a curse in some ways. I don’t like to leave them home alone too much. Imagine looking back and thinking that your mum was either at work or out all the time. Not that they particularly want to do anything with me but it is a fine line.

Having said that I did get sick of staying in so as not to leave them home alone, but when you spend night after night in one reception room with them choosing to sit in another one it’s like?? My time has come!!!!

I've scored a minor victory today - both my husband and I were doing chores all morning, he came in and started to make his lunch so, instead of doing it myself and making my lunch after, I dragged him into helping cook the kids' lunch.

There was some resistance with a pointed comment that he'd need to pause making his own lunch (which involved microwaving some soup so hardly a big deal). As I was having to wait to make my own lunch too. But it felt good that feeding the kids wasn't my sole responsibility when I'd been working as well.

I lived the dream for about two months, two and a half years ago.

DCs were both working or studying elsewhere, I had just ended a five-year relationship because I was starting to feel stifled by his needs and dependency, so I had two weeks of travelling by myself (doing and eating exactly what I wanted, when I wanted - bliss!), then a few weeks of having the house to myself and freedom to only cook when I felt like it, went to lots of films, plays, talks, weekends away and so on.

But then my elderly parents took it in turns to have major health crises (not for the first time - this has been going on for a couple of decades), then covid hit, then younger DC hit a very rocky patch and came home, and it all went to pot a bit.

I am still dealing with an awful lot of family stuff I can't get out of because if I don't do it, no one else will. But I have plans for the future, and they involve not clearing up anyone else's mess, and not having anyone else depending on me for their physical, emotional or financial wellbeing. I have had getting on for 25 years of prioritising other people's needs above my own, and I think that is plenty.

The problem is that family life is touted as wholesome and wibderful when really i find it's mire like family "life"/ strife. And that goes for my doarents aswell as my dc.

Typos!!!

Wonderful*
More*
Parents*

I'm sorry, despite reading back, I still haven't managed to find the pp who is, or was, going through chemo, but sending lots of strength and best wishes to you! It must be so hard going through what everyone else on this thread is going through and having to cope with serious illness on top as well

And that applies to you too ShortShinyBobbafett - you sound impressively stalwart and capable and anyone else on here who is dealing with physical illness

I feel a bit embarrassed about whinging now considering what so many of you on here are going through. Serious illness, Covid, bereavement, marriage break ups, difficult teens, infirm elderly parents, adult DC moving back in, DC of different ages with different needs - you really are all amazing!

I hope your plans come to fruition exexpat that must have been really hard having tasted freedom briefly and then having to adapt back to the rigours of supporting everyone else. Hold on to that dream!

Bravo abc4321 small steps is the way to go!

DragonOverTheMoon @ naked Thursdays!

It's been really refreshing hearing that others feel the same. I love my kids dearly, but, as someone said, i20 years of domestic grind takes its toll.

It's inspiring to read about people's passion to explore new avenues, even though we're not spring chickens..

Btw I've just done an hour of clearing out a basement room, which I am doing in increments. Isn't it interesting that so many of us spend the early years of child-rearing, feathering our nests and collecting stuff! And then when we have older teens or young adults we don't want to be bothered with housekeeping any more and we start decluttering and downsizing and jettisoning everything! I wonder whether this cycle is driven by hormones, socialisation or peer pressure, or pure practicality? Maybe a bit of each?

I feel bad now because the poster going through chemo is actually on a different (although similar in some ways) thread that I was reading just before this one www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/4499068-So-draining-living-with-teenagers?pg=10 I'm sorry to anyone who spent time looking for that poster - I had that person in mind when writing my post and felt bad for complaining about a fairly mild case of COVID when someone else was having chemo.

Not to worry at all NoraLuka it's so easily done!

Has anyone posted a link to this article by Caitlin Moran yet? It makes a lot of sense to me (even though I never did the drugs she's talking about...).

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/caitlin-moran-me-drugs-and-the-perimenopause-mpzn2cdh2

A particularly relevant extract:
"You don’t want to run a household any more. You don’t want to be endlessly encouraging, loving and kind. Who, when sober, does? You meet up with your coven of similarly menopausal friends, all of you stoking each other’s fires of outrage and talking about how you will spend the next 30 years of your life, not in service to others any more, not doing the invisible work that is taken for granted. You are, as you head slowly towards your pension, rebelling."

Goodness exexpat!

I love Cartland Moran! That's certainly timely ...do you think she bashed it out having seen this thread?

Oops I don't know where Cartland came from

Caitlin! Sorry!

@Calafsidentity

Goodness exexpat!

I love Cartland Moran! That's certainly timely ...do you think she bashed it out having seen this thread?

No, it's from a couple of years ago, but it stuck in my head so I dug it up again!

Ah yes I'll blame not checking the date of the article on my menopausal brain