Is anyone else feeling like you now want to escape the home life & parenting rut, even though you love your family?

[Calafsidentity]

I have put this question in the 'teenagers' category because I am looking for responses from older parents of teenage DC.

I don't know whether I am having a Shirley Valentine moment, or this is a response to Covid and everyone wfh, or menopausal fatigue, or four years of fairly "difficult" teen behaviour which is thankfully improving now or, is this depression, or a mixture of all of these things , but ...

...I feel as though I am "done"! Like I am squeezed out and have nothing more to give. I have always been a conscientious parent, I worked hard at it as it didn't come naturally, but now I feel restless and want to do different things with my time. I feel like I have no spousal or maternal patience left and I just want everyone to look after themselves now. I feel ratty and irritable whenever someone comes to me with a problem!

I should add that I love my DH & DC very much and of course I know you are never done with parenting really! And I love spending time with my DH, especially when we're alone, but he's always working because he's at the pinnacle of his career and loves his job. And of course I will still support my youngest practically and emotionally. I love spending time with my DC too when we are relaxing together and interacting as "adults" together.

My youngest is now a young adult but is still at home attending university and so the house is running pretty much like a more relaxed version of when she was at school. My DH cooks a lot. And I do his laundry and mine. DC do their own. I so !oat of the cleaning but I am going to hire a cleaner. But this is not really about housework. I am done with the whole "living with the routines appropriate for a family unit" regular meals and early nights and "weekends". I know this sounds mad and I have never been the world's biggest rebel, so I am surprised I feel this way tbh! I am bored now by everything that comes under the title "domestic".

I want to stay up late, watch what I want on TV, have some moments alone, eat what I want without having to consider everyone else, go to bed when I want. I don't want to have to "plan" anything: meals, housework, medical appts, only stuff that is fun.

I work pt in a pretty unfulfilling role that I've been fine with for many years but suddenly want to break free and change that too! I don't want my DH saying "What time was it when you came to bed last night?" I feel constrained by family life even though I love them all to bits.

I am normally reliable, conscientious and pretty boring. What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

Sorry for hijacking your thread @Calafsidentity

I obviously needed a good moan! 😬

@Comedycook

I actually think in the UK now we parent for too long. You're burnt out and fed up of it. I don't blame you. Dh is a child of the 70s....he moved out of his mum's house at 17. Her job was done.

I do think the pendulum has swung too far in favour of everything being organised around the needs of DC. There's far too much pressure on mothers to be perfect nowadays. Perfect parents, perfect employees, perfect cook and house-keeper, perfectly trim and fashionable.

And I wouldn't want the 1970s parenting of benign neglect that I experienced if I were to raise DC again, but there is a balance to be struck between that and the intense involvement in every detail of your child's life that is expected today.

No wonder we are burnt out!

Yes, totally agree!

@ChiswickFlo

Sorry for hijacking your thread *@Calafsidentity*

I obviously needed a good moan! 😬

Please don't apologize. Your "venting" is more than justified!

Men seem to still have so much more freedom don't they?

I think it's the juggling we do. My husband helps but does one thing at a time (no problem with that per se).

I bet most of us are doing multiple things: trying to work, putting on the washing, calling X to chase up the refund for the item you returned, finding your son's rugby shirt etc. That's what makes me start to feel frazzled and resentful.

If I pass some of the admin my husband's way, he takes bloody ages to get round to it. Which I can't help but feel is a diversionary tactic. Although my need to get things done promptly is my weakness equally.

Yes.
Dh works (hard) but has time for his hobbies and weekend jollys.
He also doesn't really have the mental load of family life.
The 1st 4 weeks of the 1st lockdown were so grim...
Dh was at home, and took over the living/dining area with his work screens.. ds2 was in the study in the morning doing his remote schoolwork, ds1 was in the study in the afternoon doing his remote a level work which left me my bedroom or the garden.
I felt like a prisoner in my own bedroom...
I went for a lot of walks!
I really feel for those who are still wfh who are struggling with the lack of space :(

@abc4321

I think it's the juggling we do. My husband helps but does one thing at a time (no problem with that per se).

I bet most of us are doing multiple things: trying to work, putting on the washing, calling X to chase up the refund for the item you returned, finding your son's rugby shirt etc. That's what makes me start to feel frazzled and resentful.

If I pass some of the admin my husband's way, he takes bloody ages to get round to it. Which I can't help but feel is a diversionary tactic. Although my need to get things done promptly is my weakness equally.

Yep 💯

Yes, this parenting lark goes on for far too long. By age 12, they are usually capable of doing so much more for themselves than they tend to do. We get burnt out, thinking it's time for us, but society has other ideas to keep women shackled and children infantile for too long.

Just helped ds1 do his SFE application for next academic year
Read and signed the audited accounts for 1 of my voluntary roles
Ds1 needs help later with a video application for a mentor scheme next yest (although it'll just be filming him really)
Dh is making an almighty messing the kitchen (why? Why use every utensil we own each night?...)
Ds2 is going to do some art so he'll be OK
I have 3 loads of washing to put away
I need to book the restaurants for our trip in June
Argh...

Oh, and our remortgage is going nowhere - its been months and we are still not done 🙄

@TwigTheWonderKid

I don't understand why you can't go to bed when you want to?

This has to be the most boring response I have ever read. Yes even more tedious than domestic life.

I understand, I think this is why I'm single and have never lived with anyone outside of my DC and my DM. Once my DC went off to college, it was like heaven! I could come and go as I wanted, I could eat whatever I wanted, if I didn't want to cook I didn't have to, I was only responsible for myself and I LOVED it! For 3.5 years I got to have my house to myself it was the best experience ever. Then she came back after she graduated and even tho she's an adult and works full time, I still feel like I have to "regulate" some of what I do. So it's not as bad as when she was a kid of course but I still miss that "freedom" of doing whatever in my own house.

I veer between “ well what do you expect me to do about it?” and “you’ll catch your death have an apple don’t forget to text when you get there” Oh this is me, TammyOne. My feelings of 'fuck this shit' definitely coincided with the worst of my peri menopausal symptoms. Unfortunately they also clashed with DS having 2 or so very difficult years between 14 - 16. He got involved in stuff that would make your hair curl. Terrible time. Thankfully, he's 17 now, working hard at an apprenticeship he loves and has transformed into a lovely young man who I love having around and I'm happy to do 'Mum Stuff' for again now. He's very independent in lots of ways (probably too much in some ways, that was part of the issue during the problem period). HRT has definitely helped me too. It's DP I have the problem with now.

My eldest is only 7yo and I don't think I'm perimenopausal yet, but I do understand the feeling of being stuck in this domestic role and it feeling suffocating at times. I hate having to be on a family routine and cannot imagine it once they are adults!

In fact as soon as my youngest was two I had a strong urge to get back out, see friends and advance my career after 5yos of pregnancy/ babies/ breastfeeding.

I booked onto 3 great courses for my professional development- all overnight stays, nice hotels ( with spas), met old colleagues there, different cities and it was awesome. I felt guilty at the time spending time and money on myself. Then the pandemic hit and ended my freedom. That has amplified the feeling.

My own mother very much promoted my independence from teen years and I was self sufficient with meals/ washing clothes etc. I'm wondering what your blueprint for mothering was like? What is your friendship group like?

Give yourself permission to break free - adult DC can fend for themselves in all housework/ meals. Book in a holiday away - by yourself or with friends. Shake it up, life is for living!

A lot of what has been said on this thread has really struck a chord with me too, especially in relation to feelings of boredom, lack of patience and loneliness. I have a dd age 22 who is back living at home after Uni and an 18 year old dd who is hopefully taking up a place at Uni in September. They are both lovely girls who have never caused me any real concern, but I am facing a new chapter in my life. I was lying in bed at 3:30am waiting for the younger one to get in from clubbing this morning (whilst dh slept blissfully next to me!) and my thoughts turned to memories of my time as a teenager, with excitement and fun times a plenty. I felt wistful and reflective about my current situation and experienced a real wave of sadness.

After the pandemic, I am grateful for the opportunities opening up again for my girls and the social life they’re having, but feel that in contrast my life is just a bit of a treadmill. I am about to change my job and intend to take up a new hobby, but I don’t want to think that I’ll feel this way for the rest of my life. Perhaps these are things you could try too OP? I do think my feelings are related to the peri menopause and will hopefully pass with time.

Me too OP, single parent to a 16 year old who is hard work. I work long hours in a job I love.

Teen is lazy and cba most of the time. Responsible for own laundry and the dishwasher. Has a tutor for some subjects and a mentor to keep them on track - GCSE results will be telling because I don't think they do enough work to get into the sixth form of choice.

When I first got divorced the thought of sharing DC made me want to weep - these days I put the bloody 🇬🇧 out when they go to stay with their dad.

Dinner tonight is dressed crab, a few crackers and grapes and four gins in a tin ✅.

I'm also done with term time holidays because I travel on a budget and am sick of the over inflated prices. Once I am home alone I will be having last minute hols here there and everywhere, I reckon I will get five/six trips a year for the price of two weeks in the school hols!

Loving that dinner ShortShiny!
See I don’t think everything can be attributed to peri meno. I mean, it’s a time of change, yes, but really I think the weariness of domestic duty and mothering is simply down to length of service. I’m not a perfect mum, but I’m adequate with moments of brilliance, like most of us. But whoever mentioned thd smallness of life is bang on. Pleasing ourselves for a change is incredibly liberating and it should be celebrated. It’s funny how men seem to settle into mid life and just want routine and comfort whereas most of the women I know are branching out..

Length of service...that's it!

rubhanangall.com/

This is my new favourite holiday destination, it’s a mile walk from the car, my dc choose to stay home.

I once told dd she’d broke me, which she had I literally had nothing left to give. She answered ‘I don’t care’

We get on ok now but I’m much less available. She’s trying to buy a house, I don’t remember the last time she asked how my day has been.

@TammyOne

It’s funny how men seem to settle into mid life and just want routine and comfort whereas most of the women I know are branching out..

That's an interesting point. Most Women shoulder the burden of housework/ childcare/ routine and lack freedom compared to men.

Me too. DC are only 11 and 14 but I'm feeling fed up of the routine of everything. Was really glad to lose the school run last year and am doing my best to get them to be independent, eg they (well dc1) basically do their own laundry. Some things get washed a bit too frequently and the leather school shoes have had a trip in the washing machine, but never mind.

DP is in a super stressful job and is talking about retiring in a few years and travelling around the world (we're only mid 40s so this is optimistic) and I'm thinking I want to do more with my career after 15 years of treading water (changed companies but not progressed much) and also go on yoga and cycling weekends away without needing to be around to make sure the homework gets done.

Yes, I do. And this is the point where my dc's need me more.
Only 6 years until they should both be at Uni. I'll be taking a week off work.

I want to live in a cottage by the sea without any clutter. Two teenagers 16 and 13.

I hope you are OK Billybagpuss ? I hope you don't mind me saying but I have noticed that you are usually a very positive and reassuring presence on teen threads but your post tonight seems less so.

Interesting about some women wanting to rev up where some men are happy to wind down. That must have something to do with lots of men having worked through, where some women have
had to put their career on hold for periods of time.

ShortShinyBobbafett you sound like you have things well sorted Funnily enough I was dreaming of spaghetti vongole tonight instead of the sausage and mash that dh and my dc like!

It sounds petty, but dh always buys red wine by default when I prefer rosé and white wine nowadays. And he buys white bread when I prefer brown. But funnily enough, when I go shopping, I manage to buy what everyone else likes. It's little things like this that "kills the spirit" over the years.

And yes it's definitely about length of service and the sheer weariness of having done a particular domestic task thousands of times before!

Inspired by this thread, I am definitely going to change things up a bit Hellandhighwaters

About 3 weeks in to having DD4. I've always said that if my DH and I divorced, I would be the one to move out, and he would have the children.