Is anyone else feeling like you now want to escape the home life & parenting rut, even though you love your family?

[Calafsidentity]

I have put this question in the 'teenagers' category because I am looking for responses from older parents of teenage DC.

I don't know whether I am having a Shirley Valentine moment, or this is a response to Covid and everyone wfh, or menopausal fatigue, or four years of fairly "difficult" teen behaviour which is thankfully improving now or, is this depression, or a mixture of all of these things , but ...

...I feel as though I am "done"! Like I am squeezed out and have nothing more to give. I have always been a conscientious parent, I worked hard at it as it didn't come naturally, but now I feel restless and want to do different things with my time. I feel like I have no spousal or maternal patience left and I just want everyone to look after themselves now. I feel ratty and irritable whenever someone comes to me with a problem!

I should add that I love my DH & DC very much and of course I know you are never done with parenting really! And I love spending time with my DH, especially when we're alone, but he's always working because he's at the pinnacle of his career and loves his job. And of course I will still support my youngest practically and emotionally. I love spending time with my DC too when we are relaxing together and interacting as "adults" together.

My youngest is now a young adult but is still at home attending university and so the house is running pretty much like a more relaxed version of when she was at school. My DH cooks a lot. And I do his laundry and mine. DC do their own. I so !oat of the cleaning but I am going to hire a cleaner. But this is not really about housework. I am done with the whole "living with the routines appropriate for a family unit" regular meals and early nights and "weekends". I know this sounds mad and I have never been the world's biggest rebel, so I am surprised I feel this way tbh! I am bored now by everything that comes under the title "domestic".

I want to stay up late, watch what I want on TV, have some moments alone, eat what I want without having to consider everyone else, go to bed when I want. I don't want to have to "plan" anything: meals, housework, medical appts, only stuff that is fun.

I work pt in a pretty unfulfilling role that I've been fine with for many years but suddenly want to break free and change that too! I don't want my DH saying "What time was it when you came to bed last night?" I feel constrained by family life even though I love them all to bits.

I am normally reliable, conscientious and pretty boring. What's wrong with me all of a sudden?

My DS has some SEN. He is 15 and these last few GCSE months are awful. He's barely hanging on in school. No playstation in his room as he would be on it at night, so we have to endure the noise in our living room. I'm moving it to his room at the end of June ! I care for my mum and am so tired at night but DS is still full of energy (despite doing high energy sports).
DH just had an operation so is Always In the Living Room.
I am irritated and needy of peronal space

I loved Easter when the kids were little. Cute outfits
Excited faces
Lambs and farms
Egg hunts
Nice dinner on the Sunday

Just gave mine their eggs. Ds said thank you graciously but dd had to be reminded to say thanks and eye rolled through dinner. No nice activities. Due her period this week so we are in dementor territory

At least I have dh to go out with 🥲

Good morning everyone! I hope you are having a good Easter break!

Here is the new thread that's developed out of this discussion, where hopefully we can help, encourage and support one another to be a bit more selfish and prioritise our own plans after two decades of parenting and 'wife work':

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/4532459-Parents-of-teens-young-adults-pursuing-our-own-priorities-after-two-decades-of-parenting?watched=1

Look forward to seeing you there!

Btw, I apologise in advance for thread title; sorry I couldn't think of anything more inspiring!

I can totally relate to this. My boys are 15 and 12 and over the last couple of years I have become more laissez faire. I also regularly have my Dad staying with us for two weeks ish at a time. Big back story, he is not easy, wasn't involved in our lives really for 15 years, saw him occasionally. Subsequently my boys dont speak to him, we live in a town house luckily and they have their own rooms. DH and I have a mattress in the lounge so that DS2 can have his own room.

I am bored of working to suit everyone else, I am self-employed, DS works shifts, we have a dog (he is the light of my life btw), sick of druggery, having to think about washing, whats for tea etc. That said, I know I am lucky that my boys are quite independent. I dont drive so they have been used to public transport for a long time, although DH gives them lifts.

Agree about the menopause thing, have been on HRT for a year, but think we are too quick to point the finger at that. I'm trying hard to pursue my own interests at the moment cause my world has got smaller. I've joined a book club, although had to miss the first one cause I was ill. I've also booked to go to the Dopamine Exhibition in Kensington in a couple of weeks, nobody else in the family likes going up to London to do things.

Right, I'm off to join the other thread.

I know you've said you don't want to put this down to menopause, but that is one of the prime causes of this. Oestrogen is the caring hormone and once it starts to reduce you just don't want to be bothered anymore.

here

I joined a support group at work and this is one of the first things we discussed.

That's another great article OberthursGrizzledSkipper!

I am very much open to the cause of this being hormonal in addition to other factors like length of service, boredom, lack of fulfilment, shifting relationships, needing a new direction etc. As discussed below, I think it is a combination of factors.

After all, men have mid-life crises without the same hormonal shifts (I think they experience some lessening of testosterone though don't they?) so it can't just be biological factors that catalyse these changes in sentiment amd direction.

What's interesting in that article is that it's the reactions and perspective of other vested family members who characterise the menopausal mother's behaviour as "moody" "she's gone nuts" "her personality has changed massively" when it's not the woman who has changed but just that she's finally said "I'm not available, sort it yourself".

This is me ! I have a young adult and a teen and lately I just want to do things for me? I want to sit on my own in the eve with a glass of wine, eat what I want, go to bed when I want, do as I please. I was even dreaming about one day having my own apartment somewhere,

I get this , 100%

'Length of service ' thats it, for most of us here its 20 years or so, and we are all drained, with not much left to give .

@ChiswickFlo

Yes it is tbh I believe I'm one of the sandwich generation...stuck between caring for kids and elderly parent(s) Would be easier if we were closer but we just aren't:( May have to go back down later as she's started coughing...just out of a 6 day hospital stay for sepsis The 15 hour wait in a&e was fun :(

That sounds very hard. You have my sympathy. Hope your Mum does't have to go back to hospital.

My Dad lives 200 miles away but comes to stay with us for a couple of weeks at a time. He nearly died of a live aneurysm last year, v scary. That said its scare number 5 that he's had .Big back story, but my boys dont really speak to him. All v difficult. In essence being part of the sandwich generation isn't fun. Due to geography , my poor Sister has to do more than me. I do everytihng I can and always will (partly for her sake), but I feel your pain.

I think it has a lot to do with the peri-menopause/menopause and changing hormones. I have young dc and a teen and I find my teen a lot easier in terms of patience and energy levels (I am definitely in the peri-menopause).

I feel as many of you have described and just want to take care of myself and crave alone time. This isn't possible given my dc are young and I don't want to wish time away. I have two goals I'm working on - one longer term and one shorter term, when the shorter term one is completed, I will put another one in its place (it involves being creative or getting fit but whatever it is, something for me).

Many of my friends are experiencing the sandwich generation and it sounds very difficult. Fortunately, I don't currently have this extra layer of stress. I'm trying to keep life as simple as possible by being choosey about what I do and therefore not doing too much (fortunate also, that I am not working...this must be a huge pressure for some).