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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD is pregnant, not sure what do

380 replies

penguinmoonwalker · 26/03/2022 22:25

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

OP posts:

merrymelodies · 26/03/2022 22:33

I don't think you can "do" anything, OP. Her body, her choice and all... At least your DD has plans and goals for her future. I admit I'd be less than ecstatic if it were my DD (who's of a similar age) but I would try to be supportive. Knowing me, I'd probably be banging on about the enormous (and lifetime) responsibility that bringing a child into the world entails and how expensive it is, etc, etc.

SelkieQualia · 26/03/2022 22:34

You can't make her have a termination. You can decide that she is not living in your house with a baby, and you can make it clear that you will not be doing the bulk of the child care.

M0rT · 26/03/2022 22:36

Realistically there isn't anything you can do, so take that weight off your shoulders.
She will have to make her own decisions from now on and live with the consequences. (I'm not being critical here I just mean she's too old for you to swoop in and fix everything)
I'd be very clear with her that the support she believes she has is housing and emotional.
You won't be babysitting for her to work/study and maybe once a month for socialising. If she has an assignment deadline or exam you'll step in if necessary but that will be that months babysitting used up. So she probably won't be going on the exams are over sessions, hanging out with uni friends outside uni creche hours, the student price nights out once a week etc etc
You love her and want her to be happy but you will be a grandmother not the other parent.
It could be the making of her, some young women make fantastic single parents and it drives them on to succeed.

HellToTheNope · 26/03/2022 22:39

However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare.

And you will do if you don't spell things out for her very, very clearly.

You tell her now that she will not be living with you and you will not be providing childcare. If she wants to be a grown up now, congrats to her, she's been granted her wish. If she foolishly chooses to become a mother at her age, she has to deal with the consequences.

I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

You are not taking anything away from her, you are simply stating your boundaries.

MissM2912 · 26/03/2022 22:44

What you do- your her mother and you put your arm around her and tell her you will support her no matter what decision she makes and if she does decide to keep it you help her develop a plan on what the next couple of years will look like and what external support will be available. There are far worse things can happen in life than a baby.

waltzingparrot · 26/03/2022 22:50

Do you work op?
Can she actually afford childcare when you are at work and she's at uni? She'll have to drop out if uni if not.

Flickflak · 26/03/2022 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 22:53

Her boyfriend won't be seen for dust once he gets to uni. She really needs to factor that in.

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/03/2022 22:56

University’s have grants that cover childcare and it doesn’t need to be paid back. There’s no need to worry about that. She needs to look into it and apply.

Thewindwhispers · 26/03/2022 23:01

Obviously you wouldn’t have wanted this, but the situation exists. Your grandchild, teeny tiny though it is, already exists. If you bully her into an abortion when what she wants is to keep the baby, I think that’s awful and something she’s unlikely to forgive or get over herself.

Yes it will be loads of work. Yes the father will be useless. Yes it will change your life also. Yes it sucks that this happened before any of you were ready for it.

But that teeny tiny grandchild already exists.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 26/03/2022 23:02

@M0rT

Realistically there isn't anything you can do, so take that weight off your shoulders. She will have to make her own decisions from now on and live with the consequences. (I'm not being critical here I just mean she's too old for you to swoop in and fix everything) I'd be very clear with her that the support she believes she has is housing and emotional. You won't be babysitting for her to work/study and maybe once a month for socialising. If she has an assignment deadline or exam you'll step in if necessary but that will be that months babysitting used up. So she probably won't be going on the exams are over sessions, hanging out with uni friends outside uni creche hours, the student price nights out once a week etc etc You love her and want her to be happy but you will be a grandmother not the other parent. It could be the making of her, some young women make fantastic single parents and it drives them on to succeed.

Good post.

How will she fund the year off? I take it you work? I would make it clear as said above that it won't be a case of you coming home from work and taking over the childcare so she can go out. Nor will you be doing the childcare while she goes to uni. Help is one thing but not giving up your own life.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 26/03/2022 23:05

@Thewindwhispers

Yes it will be loads of work. Yes the father will be useless. Yes it will change your life also. Yes it sucks that this happened before any of you were ready for it.

But that teeny tiny grandchild already exists.

It's a clump of cells. If we're going to talk bullying, stop telling OP what she has to do. She can spell out consequences and set her boundaries. Her daughter can make her own choices but in the full knowledge of those boundaries.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2022 23:06

I would say I'd support her choice but not enable it. I'd have a calm conversation with her and be very clear and honest about what my input would and wouldn't be.

Oblomov22 · 26/03/2022 23:10

She sounds incredibly naieve for someone about to sit A'levels. Would you say she was also emotionally immature and unworldly wise? Ds1 told me that most of his friends who are sexually actively had already considered the options if their girlfriend was to fall pregnant. You might have to spell out some home truths and also the financials, to at least make her think!

StrayGoose · 26/03/2022 23:10

@Skiptheheartsandflowers I see more "telling the OP what to do" in your post than in @Thewindwhispers

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 26/03/2022 23:12

@Skiptheheartsandflowers well we don't know how far along the ops daughter is and tbh it's more than a clump of cells from about 6 weeks

Original poster

penguinmoonwalker · 26/03/2022 23:12

@waltzingparrot

Do you work op? Can she actually afford childcare when you are at work and she's at uni? She'll have to drop out if uni if not.

Yes I work full time. I think she has looked into it and there is some grants and free childcare she can get through the uni and I think it would be possible, but I am not convinced that when it comes to it she will want to

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/03/2022 23:13

I have had your experience. DD gets pregnant, BF drifts away, DD wants to live at home and go to local college. one year later, DD has left college because she cannot keep up with the work and a part-time job and afford child care.
By the time grandchild is 18 months she is in trouble with SS and I have had to retire early to provide child care. It was either that or let the grandchild I (now) loved to to foster care. I raised grandchild alone for the first 13 years. Are you ready to do that?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/03/2022 23:14

Ime how YOU handle things now will be how all of your futures play out. I had a dc just before I was 18. Didn't speak to dm until the very end of the pregnancy.. Tbh our relationship never recovered.. At 50 she has missed the last 20 years of my life. And my dc's..
Support in silence op!! Keep your opinions to yourself.. Help her plan on paper. Let her see how she will manage and how she may struggle. Be there. Listen. And love them all. Even her bf! She will love you for it.
And congratulations dgm!! My own dgm was immensely supportive and bursting with pride when dd was born. Our relationship was amazing.

AskingforaBaskin · 26/03/2022 23:16

But what will she do during her time off?

How will she afford the increase in electric, gas, water, contribute to rent, clothing, equipment?
Is there room for the baby?

Nursery for my child is £57 per day so how will she afford the above and that on top?

I would break down the costs and say this is what she will need to pay per week/month and say you won't interfere but then she needs to work it out and get that money over to you.

Original poster

penguinmoonwalker · 26/03/2022 23:17

Its tough as I've told her I am not going to be a parent to her baby, but I know that if she were at the point where either she dropped out or I had to be then I would rather do more to help her than for her to have to dropout. And I think she kinda knows this

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 26/03/2022 23:18

I agree with the poster who says support her choice but you do not need to enable it if it impacts on your life which it will if she lives at your house. If you don't want this then she must look into what other options are available.

AliceMcK · 26/03/2022 23:19

First of all there is nothing wrong with being a teenage mum, most women in my family were teenage mums, my own mum was 16 when she had my DB. But none of them had anything handed to them, they made their own choices and had to survive on their own.

My questions to your DD would be:

How do you expect to do A levels with a baby, let alone university?
Who is going to pay for childcare?
Who is going to pay for university?
How do you expect to get assignments done with a baby?
What if any assistance do you think the father will give?
Where are you going to live?
Have you put your name down for social housing because they have long wait lists?
Do you know how much your going to need to live on? Do you understand what she has to pay for, rent, bills, food, childcare, nappies, formula etc…

I’d tell her if she wants to make an adult decision to have a child she needs to take on adult responsibilities. You don’t have to kick her out but she needs to understand it’s not your job to be responsible for her decisions.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 26/03/2022 23:25

[quote StrayGoose]**@Skiptheheartsandflowers* I see more "telling the OP what to do" in your post than in @Thewindwhispers* [/quote]
Nice try. I've said 'I would..' and 'You can..' as possibilities. Not the same as emoting about the teeny tiny grandchild to put pressure on. But I'm happy to agree to disagree. I'm sure you have plenty of friends with a similar posting style and syntax to agree with you.

Back to the practical issues. Talking through the details of the finances is good and may help her work out a plan.

aylis · 26/03/2022 23:26

I think all you can do is support her but set and maintain firm boundaries, for your own sake but also hers. What form your support takes is obviously up to you but with the baby’s father pretty much out the picture she’ll probably rely on you for the bulk of it.

It doesn’t need to be a negative experience. Of course she doesn’t know how hard it will be and she probably is naive, most of us are about the realities of motherhood regardless of what age we do it.

Gingerbread might be able to help with support and advice.

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