DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

I became a grandma via a child of a similar age. I remember the shock, but actually it’s turned out great. The baby became the love of my life and he’s now a gangly teenager doing really well at school. It’ll be ok. In my case the parents actually stayed together.

You absolutely should not be making this decision for her or pushing her into a decision that suits you. If keeping the baby is what she wants to do then she needs to be supported.

I got pregnant at 17, my mum was of course disappointed and extremely worried but never once did she tell me what decision to make or sway me in any direction, she was there for me to talk to and made it clear that she would support me with whatever decision. I made the choice myself to keep my baby and of course it was the best thing I ever did. I went back to college and finished my A Levels, got a job and worked my way up to a senior level and now have a solid career and great pay. It wasn’t without its hardship but what parent finds juggling parenting/relationships/career a breeze? My DS’s dad and I split not long after baby was born but we managed to make it work and co-parent just fine. Even if dad isn’t about, single mums can still absolutely smash life.

Your daughter sounds like she has ambition and great intentions, even though she will be a teenage mum. That’s the sort of energy you should encourage.

If my mum had swayed me to have an abortion, I probably would have, it was at a time that I was so impressionable and scared and wanted someone to tell me what to do but thankfully, nobody ever did. I am so so thankful that my mum is my mum and let me choose my future. Set your boundaries of course but be there for your daughter, she needs you. I for one am rooting for her!

You can't actually do anything and don't try forcing her into something she doesn't want todo. You tell your not bringing this child up ask if she realises the cost of having a child and then let her make her decision.

@merrymelodies

I don't think you can "do" anything, OP. Her body, her choice and all... At least your DD has plans and goals for her future. I admit I'd be less than ecstatic if it were my DD (who's of a similar age) but I would try to be supportive. Knowing me, I'd probably be banging on about the enormous (and lifetime) responsibility that bringing a child into the world entails and how expensive it is, etc, etc.

I am trying to be supportive and not to push her into a decision. I just feel like whenever I do that I just get called patronising and she's like 'I know it will be hard I'm not stupid' but I think she is very naive. Tbf she is doing quite a bit of research and attempting to plan which is quite impressive but I don't know how long this will last, whether she will stick to her plan and whether her plan is just really naive

I have a friend who became pregnant at 17. Sat her A levels whilst heavily pregnant.
Excelled in her results. had the baby in the July. Went to uni in the september.

She got a really high degree, an immediate job with the local council and rose through the ranks. She is very senior.

It was hard, her Mum made it clear that she would not look after the child for her. She was lucky to receive childcare through the uni. She also worked part time to support them

I don't know how she did it.

I know there will be many that don't have this determination or opportunity but it can be done.

It’s not just having a baby that’s she’s going to find difficult, a baby is relatively easy. It’s having a child. Before and after school, school holidays etc. it’s a juggling act for older parents with money and an involved second parent. Maybe talk more about the things she’s going to miss out on, girls holidays etc.

@HellToTheNope

However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare.

And you will do if you don't spell things out for her very, very clearly.

You tell her now that she will not be living with you and you will not be providing childcare. If she wants to be a grown up now, congrats to her, she's been granted her wish. If she foolishly chooses to become a mother at her age, she has to deal with the consequences.

I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

You are not taking anything away from her, you are simply stating your boundaries.

I would much rather that she lived at home rather than lived in social housing and I don't want to lie to her and I know if she were to have this baby that I wouldn't kick her out. I probably should be firmer with telling her I am not going to do all the childcare but I have told her that

But it’s not the end of the world and it can be done. There’s a lot worse things to happen than getting pregnant.

I know someone who recently went away to uni with a baby and they had halls specifically for that. It worked out well the full time nursery was paid for. OP she might beable to do that at your local one?

@HollowTalk

Her boyfriend won't be seen for dust once he gets to uni. She really needs to factor that in.

I know, and tbh I don't really blame him. He's been reasonably honest about it and said that he is going to go to uni and focus on that and he isn't going to make huge sacrifices

I had my son at 21 and so obviously older than your DD but it was difficult keeping friendships when I didn’t always have childcare to join in with the things that my friends were doing and there were opportunities that I couldn’t access due to having DS. There will be so many nights out and experiences that your DD will have to miss out on being a student with a baby/child and she’ll say it won’t matter but when her friends are constantly going out without her and planning holidays and trips that she can’t go on, you can guarantee she’ll think differently.

I think a lot of emphasis is put on “having a baby” but, as you know, becoming a parent is a lifelong commitment, and with the dad going to uni and having already made his feelings clear, I can see you having to step up to co-parent this child.

Great if so but it's certainly something to check on. Lots of universities used to have their own nurseries on site which would be perfect for situations like this. Now, though, many have closed as things like that get outsourced instead. Same applies with halls. Doesn't mean help isn't available but I would research it carefully. It could well be the deciding factor about which university she decides to apply to.

@DoctorDoctor

Great if so but it's certainly something to check on. Lots of universities used to have their own nurseries on site which would be perfect for situations like this. Now, though, many have closed as things like that get outsourced instead. Same applies with halls. Doesn't mean help isn't available but I would research it carefully. It could well be the deciding factor about which university she decides to apply to.

This was meant to be a comment on Each and Everyone's post above.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I have had your experience. DD gets pregnant, BF drifts away, DD wants to live at home and go to local college. one year later, DD has left college because she cannot keep up with the work and a part-time job and afford child care. By the time grandchild is 18 months she is in trouble with SS and I have had to retire early to provide child care. It was either that or let the grandchild I (now) loved to to foster care. I raised grandchild alone for the first 13 years. Are you ready to do that?

I am not ready to do that, but I know that I would rather do that than see her have to dropout and not be happy. I don't know what I can do though as I can't force her to do anything. If you were in the same situation again what would you say to her when she first told you she was pregnant?

You have to support her. I fell pregnant at a young age and I was basically bullied into abortion. My mother told me I absolutely could not live at home with a baby and I had an abusive bf atm who was more interested in drugs than anything else. Anyway I was alone and terrified and didn’t know how to manage. Of course over a decade down the line I now realise this was an empty threat. She would never have threw me and baby out… Being a young mum isn’t a bad thing. She could still go on and achieve plenty. Look at the state of the world. U think this is a disaster now but a little baby is a blessing. You will need to just support her choice !

If your daughter watches Tiktok, there is a woman who attends university in the UK with her baby in lectures. She's quite informative and open and answers questions for women in similar circumstances. She doesn't romanticise it at all, might be worth her searching and having a look?

Your daughter wants a baby because her ‘life is a bit boring’ - remind her what she said. A baby is not a substitute for a fun life.

An abortion she doesn't want is just as likely to ruin her life. the mental health impacts would be huge.

I had several friends who have made a huge success of their lives despite having babies in their late teens. In each case the common feature was that their parents supported them (emotionally and practically) to further their education and start their careers.

As hard as it is, she does get to make this decision. I would be terrified. With life experience we know how hard of a path this is, but we can’t protect our children from everything.

It’s good that she still has university as her goal. Try to keep her focused on that. For now, I would sit down with her and make a very detailed budget. She needs to understand the realities of what she is about to do. Being a parent is incredibly expensive and time consuming. If she wants to be one, help her start planning. Be clear about your limits for assistance. I personally would want to help, as long as my dd was still in education, but that would be a condition of my assistance.

All you can do is help her look at the practical aspects and support her in whatever she decides. Does the local uni have childcare available? Help her look into costs of childcare, housing etc.

I wouldn’t let the baby father off the hook so easily, tough shit that he thinks he won’t be involved as he’s too busy having a blast at uni.

I would make sure he, or his parents, are involved with childcare and certainly financial support, even if you have to get a CM order.

She'll get full funding for childcare at uni, taking her right through to when gvt funded hours kick in aged 3. Student Finance is pretty decent as a single parent too; I am in my third year and have managed my finances well enough and will be finishing with a few k in savings (as a parent, she won't be assessed on your income). As she is over 16, she can claim benefits for herself and baby on her year off. So, she should be fine financially.

I was a bit older than her (pregnant at 20 instead, but nothing further than GCSEs), but never found having my children hard. I loved them intently from the moment I knew of their existence. Never felt I missed out: the life of my friends (holidays, festivals and nights out) looked bloody poor in comparison to having enchanting tiny people who adore and need you. Parenting isn't always easy, but nothing worthwhile is.

Tell her what you will and won't help with; talk to her about the things you found hard, like those fearful nights where you've been awake 36 hours cradling an ill baby, or when you're drowning in 6 differet sets of vomit covered bedding; talk to her about CHILDREN! Babies are piss easy once you accept you don't sleep, children though, they're a whole different ball game.

Don't dispair though: there is so much worse in life than a baby. And don't think that you can do anything. Beyond the support you are willing to offer, this is for your daughter alone - what you want doesn't come into it. And remember, for all you are worrying about her future, ballsed up mental health due to an unwanted abortion she felt forced to have is likely just as changing and damaging as a wanted but unplanned pregnancy while young.

Oh OP, this is so hard and I'm sorry you're in this position.

My advice would be to tread extremely carefully around doing anything to persuade DD not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

A termination is obvious a big decision, and although it may be the best option in this situation any decision will be likely to leave some residual guilt (to be clear I don't think she should feel any guilt, but in all likelihood she would).

IMO this type of guilt is often redirected at someone else, and if that someone else is you it could cause deep damage to your relationship with DD.

God, when I think a) of the potential father of any baby I might have had at 17 and b) what a naive melon I was, it’s terrifying to think that I could have been allowed to have a kid. I think one of the main things to highlight to her is that it won’t just be hard with the father not on the scene, but she will be linked to him forever and at least for another 18yrs have to consult him about the way she parents. I’m sure he’s very nice but it sounds like the relationship won’t stand the test of time and if would be so much better if he became a fond memory and not someone she’s battling with about child support five, ten years from now or tolerating at a graduation ceremony in 2043 whilst actually wanting to hit him with a shoe.

I was terrified at the idea of pregnancy at that age and, I hate to say it @penguinmoonwalker but one of the main reasons for my terror was that my parents were very clear with me and my sister from a young age that they weren’t going to have us living with them with our babies. Not in a wicked fairytale parent way, but just in a “this isn’t our job, if you have a baby you’re looking after it/paying for it/doing the hard yards on uni etc”. There had been form for a couple of generations on both sides of our family for teenage mums where they lived with granny and it all got complicated for various reasons (including for my mum, who was born to a 15yo mother). My parents are lovely grandparents to my kids now- born when I was in my 30s!- and fwiw despite it sounding harsh, I think their attitude was correct.

You can’t make your DD have an abortion, obviously, but you need to find a way to drive home the realities of having a baby to her somehow. Weirdly, and I watched this because I had a baby of a similar age at the time, but I might see if I could find all the episodes of Teen Mum U.K. for her to watch. It was on MTV and there have been about five series of it. Despite the fact that it was meant as a kind of fluffy reality show, my God did it highlight the bleak realities of having kids at that age: No money, no education, no prospects. Without exception the relationships all either broke down or were hugely abusive/unhappy. The girls were all so lonely and had a really bad time of it once the initial excitement wore off and their friends all moved off to uni/were going on exotic holidays/were getting fancy jobs. They also all experienced badly and showed really well how fucking awful kids sleep is… they all struggled and talked about very frankly how their whole lives revolved around getting their kids to go to and stay asleep. Most of them going through this with shitty partners who weren’t supportive or no partner at all. If I had a pregnant teenage daughter I would be showing her that show- binge-watched- and having some very frank conversations about the reality of her new life.

I’d also be challenging this assumption that only those with no support have abortions/it’s a last resort. This article highlights famous women who had abortions and their experiences. It’s a really smart decision for a lot of women, especially those who are ambitious or have ideas about what they want to do recreationally (like travel or experience working in a different place) Jameela Jamil said she wasn’t ready for a baby “emotionally, psychologically, and financially” as a teen and doesn’t regret it. Una Thurman said of her teen pregnancy: “Choosing not to keep that early pregnancy allowed me to grow up and become the mother I wanted and needed to be…” whilst Stevie Nicks said about the abortion she had in 1979: “If I had not had that abortion, I'm pretty sure there would have been no Fleetwood Mac," Nicks said. "There's just no way that I could have had a child then, working as hard as we worked constantly. I would have had to walk away." Abortion can be really positive and your daughter needs to have that message hammered home to her.

Good luck to you and your daughter @penguinmoonwalker

I was a teenage mother and as much as I love my child yes, I regret it and if I could go back I'd have done things very differently.

First off my relationship with my mother wasn't good, yours sounds much better and that's important.

The picture in my head was totally unrealistic and the reality of a baby was terrifying. I thought it would sleep then give it a bottle then repeat, I was totally unprepared for getting less than 3 hours sleep a night and trying to function the next day. Friends say they'll be there but they'll be off to uni living their lives and your daughter will be watching them enjoying themselves on social media when she's doing a 4am feed.

I did my A levels and got excellent results but I had to wait until my child went to school to be able to go to university and it was a totally different experience than others because I was juggling being a parent as well.

I'm 40 now and I'm footloose and fancy free because my child is in their 20s but all of my friends have primary school children and are at a totally different stage of life than me and sometimes I feel like an outsider when they are talking about school events and play dates etc.

Looking back I didn't listen to anyone and had some ridiculous ideas of what life would be like and never imagined how hard it would be. Being a single parent on benefits is hard and I choose between eating and heating many times and I sat and cried because I felt as though I wasn't giving my child the best start in life.

Maybe start a new thread asking people for their experiences being a teenage mother and show her the reality, I don't know if it would have helped me but I was stubborn and thought I knew best, maybe your daughter will be different.